Hi all. My BW for 3 years held on to the hope that their really wasn't anything physical between me and the OW. Well 2 days ago she was told the truth. I perpetuated the lie in hopes of holding on to what was left. Figuring the whole story would destroy us. I'd would rather live with the lie then lose my wife. So for 3 years she struggled to figure why would a man she had known for 25 years look elsewhere.

She knew their was more then just the phone calls. She knew but I was persistent, until 2 days ago. I realized that this marriage had no chance unless I came clean. Boy, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You see, my BW is one of the most beautiful woman on the outside and inside. She's the one that socially inept people come up to at parties because she makes them feel comfortable. I took the wind right out of her. I killed that thin layer of hope that I didn't betray her, totally.

She would visit MBs but was too embarrassed to post. She felt stupid and felt like an idiot for believing me. So I thought I would post. In true fashion she was concerned for me. She told me that some of you folks can be mean to the WS. Bring it on! You can't knock me down any lower than I already am. I am posting to get help on surviving this crisis. I am posting so she knows I love her with all my heart.

Welcome to MB Rick!

The vets will be along and you'll get your due.

I wish you the best of luck. But hard work is what brings good luck so I hope you are prepared.

Welcome Rick, you did the right thing by coming clean. You are right that the lies were like a festering wound that would never heal without the truth cleansing it.

Your wife is going to have a long, hard road in front of her. Not only does she have to deal with your betrayal, but she gets to deal with 3 years of lies while you defrauded her into staying in a marriage for your own selfish reasons. What about what she wanted? Did you ever ask yourself if maybe she would choose to leave the marriage if she knew the truth? Didnt she have the right to make that decision for herself? Or was your only consideration what YOU stood to lose?

Anyway, enough on that. But I had to comment on the sickening and cavalier way you write off 3 years of cruelty, lies and trickery. For her sake, I hope she is able to overcome the resentment, because many would not.



How about sending her here so we can help her survive this crisis. This is a compound blow that puts her back to Day 1. 3 years of lies won't be easy to overcome.

"MEAN" is committing adultery and then lying about it for years. "MEAN" is playing head games with your spouse for 3 years in order to manipulate them into staying married to you. There are few here that are that mean.

Ok. I'll bite.

Why did you mess around with a beautiful woman to pick another?

If your BW is as you describe her AND she reads here -

Dear sweet betrayed wife. I am so sorry for you pain.

Run away fast.

Get away from this abuser!

Because he could.

Presumably in addition to the grandiose gesture of posting to a forum in which you are anonymous and able to ignore all 2x4's if you want to, you have also:
1. Written a NC letter to the OW for your wife to approve and send?
2. Worked out extraordinary precautions to prevent contact with OW or anyone else sho may take your fancy?
3. Presented proof that you've been tested for and are clean of HIV, hepatitis B, syphilis, herpes, chlamydia and all the other STI's you could have been exposing her to over the past 3 years?

And done all the other things that may help your wife to recover to the point that she can decide if she will ever be able to trust you again?

I am by no means a veteran; but with my D-day just three months behind me, I feel that I have enough experience to say that your BS must have been an absolute basket case for the past three years OR you were so unremorseful that your continued lies seemed like they poured forth from God Himself. My FWH's two-weeks of lies were so tainted by his guilt that I knew there was more to be told. How can she ever trust you again?!?!?!!!! Under the guise of truth, you continued to lie to her! Even with my husband's telling all--which took a little over a month--I am still brought to my knees that he was such a skillful liar for over three years. Both our local MC and Steve Harley impressed upon him the need for total transparency for the healing to begin. Your failure to tell your wife the full ugly truth throughout the past three years has caused her emotional damage from which she may never recover.

So, did your wife stay?

Does she want to remain married to you?

What are you willing to do for your wife besides clear YOUR conscience?

Please ask your BW to post here. There is no need to feel stupid. Who ever expects the one you love and who should be the last person to ever hurt you to be able to do what you have done?

This is going to take everything you have in you to overcome. It is going to take everything she has to overcome. It is going to take a long time. Be ready to do everything she needs you to do and do it willingly.

Some people are able to lie very well. A sad skill. There is no reason for her to feel embarrassed to post here. Ask her to post, she will find all the help she needs to get through this and be able to make a good decision for her future herself.

I was going to suggest an MB weekend, but I don't see one scheduled ???
Someone please tell me that they are still doing the seminars.

There are 3 books on this site that will be helpful if your BW wishes to recover your M.
Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs and Lovebusters, all by Dr. Harley.

Continue to post here to understand your selfishness so this does not happen again.

And yes, please support your BW to post here, so she can deal with her heart that you so intentionally ripped out of her body.

What I can tell you as a BW:
1) tell her evreything, the whole story, every bit that you can remember because she will torture herself imagining what really happened. It will be hard for her to hear, but she needs to know
2)Allow her to question you, be mad at you, question you agian, get mad again, etc. - you owe her that
3) read through all the MB website - be on board to go through all the steps of Plan A without any hemhawing around.
4) Be willing ot prove to her, repeatedly, that you are done with OW by being totally transparent for however long (and it's probably gonna be a VERY long time!) it takes
5)Tell her to post!
6) stop trying to put on that you've done the honorable thing by finally coming clean...the honorable thing would have been to never have had an A - be prepared to eat lots of humble pie

Do you ever see the OW? Do you have any contact with her at all?

If you do, you can't. Total NC is required. First step.

Next step. Answer her questions open and honestly. It's called radical honesty. You are now transparent in everything you do. No secret passwords, no hidden parts of your life...you are an open book from now til you take your last breath.

EXPECT this R to take a MINIMUM of 2 years. Don't get angry with your BW if she still has questions 18 months from now. She will heal at her own pace and your cooperation and true show of remorse will help. Any anger, defensiveness or frustration on your part will prolong R.

EXPECT her to be on a rollercoaster of emotions for many months. She is now grieving what she has lost. She is recalculating her life and putting pieces of it in place. This is a dreadful process.

FIND what is broken inside of you that caused you to do such a selfish thing and fix it so it can never happen again. Protect your wife from your lack of boundaries and establish some that are rock solid. She deserves that protection.

READ, read, read this site. Learn about ENs and LBs.

ENCOURAGE her to post. It will help her. We've been in her shoes and we all thought we wouldn't be.

Seagull post.

So telling your BW the truth was harder than watching her struggle for 3 yrs?


And added to the damage you have already caused her. Just realize you have set her back to Dday 3 yrs ago and the rollercoaster is coming.


Is this a challenge? LOL. Being forthright is not being mean. You can get help here but getting defensive when called out won't help you or your M. Is your BW going to read along even if she doesn't post?

Where is OW? When was the last contact with her?...and be honest because posters won't want to help you if you play games.

Thanks to most of you for your thoughts and advice. Here are some answers to some of your questions. My DW is beside me as I write.

I last saw the OW almost 3 years ago. I have not had any contact other then the NC email after my DW sent her a text.

The affair last about 6 months. The physical part of the affair occured in the last 45 days.

I worked with the OW but moved to a different company almost at the same time of discovery.

I in no way feel honorable in coming clean. Their is nothing honorable in what I have done to my DW.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to to heal this pain. I failed as a man and as a husband but Im here because we think we can survive.

I would appreciate all sincere comments but I'd really like to hear from a vet wayward.

My DW wants to hear from a FBS and how she was able to get past the betrayal. She wants the details of the affair but fears those will remain in her head forever. How are you able to be intimate after knowing it was a PA?

In time I hope my DW will post. She says it's to soon.

Actually you have. Several posters to your thread, including me, are former waywards. Why would this make a difference? You can get just as much help from a BS as a WS.

Mrs. rick, FBW here. I needed the details from my H. Not knowing them nearly drove me crazy as I was imagining all sorts of far out things. The details hurt but the unknown was worse. Plus it made H acknowledge to himself just how cruel his behavior was. Many couples actually experience what is referred to as hysterical bonding where they go at it like rabbits due to the wild emotions of the rollercoaster. The details don't hurt like they used to. Sting every once in a while. One yr out and sex is not an issue and hasn't been for quite awhile. A lot will depend on your H's attitude.

Early on it can be tough. I wanted to get the disclosure period over with ASAP. Might as well hurt all at once then drag in on and on forever.

Sorry you are here. Will be on the look out for you.