My bf and are have been together 6 years and engaged for wedding this summer. We had constant problems with ow in the past, but he proposed and made promise that he would never do it again. In my eyes, he's a changed man.

On V-day, we ended up in a conversation that led him to saying he needed space and he didn't know we just wern't getting along, and he thought it would get better but didn't. When I asked him why he cited financials and why we didn't have enough to get married. Everything seem to be fine.

Out of the blue Sunday I just sensed something and started asking questions which led his Monday morning confession that he was a sex addict. That there was no one else. I don't believe this. He used to have to have multiple women, but he is not heavy into porn or anything like that. And he made a commitment to me that I thought was impossible for him to do so I just didn't buy the sex addict thing. Which led him to tell me about her.

They met at a bar, he doesn't know how long it's been going on, but he wants to do something but he doesn't want to do something. He hasn't done anything yet, but he almost has a couple of times. We had a long discussion - he said he has feelings for her.

I told him that I love him more today than I did yesterday. It just meant so much to me, that he would talk to me before doing anything. He seems real concerned about hurting me and he really seems like he wants to work it out. I know this man very well, and the part that is confussing me so much is his confession and him not doing something because he loves me. He would have never done this in the past.

He's making comments like what if I'm upset with u, what if I'm in a particular mood that causes me to do something I regret. He seems really sad and he says he's confused he doesn't know what he want's to do. And that she has only a little to do with it. He also said that I am more important.

I just need some support - together we have been raising my two children age 9 and 6. This is my family. and sense I am somewhat familiar with MB and sense I was so close to being his wife it just means more to me than a bf.

Also, he said he feels smothered and that we are not reaching our goals (financials) and I never asked him to stay or go - He doesn't want to go... atleast not yet. He said he hopes it works out.

I checked his vm this morning...she was on there. I always check his vm and she's never been on there before. He does not know his vm password so only I can here what she is saying. She said "hi, just calling to let you know I'm leaving work and on the way to your cousins house" I don't think he went. I asked him and came up with some stuff about why I thought his cousins house was the place.

me: 34 divorced/engaged
him: 35 Never married
2mine+2his = our 4 kids
living together for 6 -engaged for 3 this summer (my choice for long engagement because of stuff with ow early in relationship) but since engagement he has had no problems until now.

Maybe I don't need help. Maybe I'm just being needy. I'm so depressed...He's laying next to me at night but still I wake up and wonder if he truly there.

I feel like I'm being a burden by crying- just depressed and overwhelmed with sadness that it just comes out of nowhere.... I don't want him to feel sorry for me. He doesn't reach out to hold me or comfort me most of the time.

Some days he seems so into me (it was actually something that somebody else said that hinted me to ow). Last night he said he loved being with me. I feel like this is all one big mistake and if ow would just go away, we could be fine. I feel like he's just scared and maybe feeling increase smothering because he now needs more freedom to be with ow. But, he did what any of us what have wanted from our WS. WS didn't do it bc they love and they put it on the table. I asked him why can't we just work through it and he said he thought that was what we were doing and that he feels guilt. I just don't know if she will go away. It helps me just to write. I need help with the depression and sadness that feel. I need him. I need not to talk about A. I need plan A. I need to use this A to my advantage to make me better to hopefully make us better. And I resent Plan A. I hate the feel of his hands and knowing she may have felt them too.

RUN.....NOW!

Look - you need to stand back and look at what you've really gotten yourself into here, and what you will get yourself further into if you actually M that man.

Have you ever heard the story about the Scorpion and the Frog?

No. I haven't. It just makes me so sad, that being here in "Marriage Builders". being bf/gf makes everything look so much different.

As bf/gf couldn't I have left an EN unfulfilled and he fallen prey to an Emotional A w/ ow. To me so what we're bf/gf - If we were already married and had made the same mistakes, we'd be going through it anyway. I do feel like I'm rationaliziing. We anyway, pretty much the wedding is off pending this situation and I guess that is what I first need to come to terms with and second because we're bf/gf am I to just Plan B --- move on. After 6 years and never even think twice. I can't help but look at his approach to this whole thing. I honestly, thing that the Emotional A has arrived and he is feeling this overwhelming temptation to do the things he used to do, but he didn't. Or maybe he just wants to give me the time to get over it. I'm confused. He said he's confused. And he said he wants to be together. I have no idea what I am supposed to do.

I can't. After everything we have been through, I probably should, but I just can't. I will anyway, start working more on myself and prepare for the worst and go after the strength to be able to do what everyone thinks I should do so that when everything goes down it won't hurt as bad as it does now. But, why can't he make a mistake and recover just like a H?

Oh yes, I remember the story of Scorpion and frog... just read.

girl, I don't mean to make you feel bad or trivialize the situation just because you're not legally married and I'm pretty new to MB - but- I do know how you feel right now. I don't think marrying this guy is going to make him be faithful, you're still young - find someone who you're not always going to be wondering about. Don't let your kids or his assume that screwing around is the "way guys are". You deserve better!

Thank you. It's nice just to have somebody to talk to.

I guess the good thing is I know that marrying him won't make him faithful. It's like he's falling out of love with me but not quite and I just want him back. We've always been able to recover and I thought because like in Marriage we could fall in and out of love that we were real.

I don't have anyone to talk to. According to popular oppinion, I am not supposed to be talking to him at all, but even if he were my h and that rule were non existant, I can't talk to him about every nook and crannie of what I feel. If we're going to survive this I have to get the thought of him talking or sneaking with ow out of my mind. I want to talk about her and I want to talk about it and I want to know what they do... but I can't do that.

1. He has cheated several times
2. Are you willing to be with a cheater?
3. He is going to cheat again and again
4. He is not ready to be true to you.
5. Why are you valueing yourself so little as to want this cheaterman?

I know you are living with him and raising your kids together, but this is not a good idea when you are dealing with a cheater. He does not love you, he prefers to cheat. He likes having a babysitter and cook around (you) so he can go out cheating whenever he wants to .

Why do women put up with cheating men when they can find a non cheater man who only loves THEM?

B4U- Perhaps you r right. I made mistakes in the past excepting him when he cheated at that time he was not committed to relationship.

He has said that I am the only women he wants to be with, committed and been faithful to me for several years.

Today, he is a man with a cheating past - having the urge to revisit that, likely because it will be easier to get all of his EN needs met.

I am not his cook or his babysitter! He cooks 75% of the meals in the house and prepares plates for my children 90% of the time and not that this matters, but he grocery shops and does dishes. He is someone that had a bad past but that doesn't make him a bad person and I correct me if I'm wrong (please) But I just think that he is making a big step by even saying anything and wanting to stay and work it out. I don't believe that he is doing that for himself, I believe that he is trying (however hard it may be) to do it for us.

Once upon a time, he would lie under a rug if he could - now I'm getting radical honesty.

What I understand here is that when you are H&W, you do what it takes to save your M. In a domestic partner situation like mine, you just quit. I think the fact that we are not H&W is the focual point here. I can not help but wonder if the same situation would get different responses if I was legal W.

hisgirl,

Do not marry a man who cheats on you. He will cheat on you at some point again, think of your pain now, and think of feeling this way again, and again, and again.

A b/f who does not protect you from hurt is a H who will not protect you from hurt.

You are fortunate to be able to walk away from this b/f now. Do not marry him.

girl I think what most of us are trying to say is - you haven't made a legal commitment to this guy yet - given his present and past behavior, why make that commitment to begin with. I have seen D's recommended on MB...especially when there are no mutual children and when you're dealing with a serial cheater. Give yourself more credit - you do derserve better than wondering for the rest of your life if he's being honest with you. And you keep bringing up his recent "radical honesty" - maybe he's just seeing exactly how much you are willing to take. And if your posts are anything to judge by, you're willing to take too much. Do yourself and your kids a favor, move on.

You are all 4 the most part right. Wedding was off b4 I came here. I will not try to marry him in the midst of this. I know I still sound a little stuck on stupid.

But I can't imagine that every marriage started off perfect and that every marriage that didn't start off perfect didn't turn out good.

I understand and have debated the risk.

Not to be disrespectful, but the M certificate is a very small point when you look at what we really have going on. But many are not willing to consider that in this situation.

He has no right to do this to me no matter what!

I would think, based on what I've learned here, that I was not meeting some of his most important EN and I love to LB, so he has the EA, the fact that he is a former cheater makes everything about this worst, but the truth of the matter is what he has done in this case is not really a big deal in comparison.

Run... My mother told me the same thing in so many words

But this man is the only father my S knows. This hurt is nothing compared to what I've already been through and if he made a mistake like anyone could do and he is making an effort to correct it....after all the mistakes that I have made. (forgiving him the 1st several times, and letting him get so close to kids) don't I owe it to myself and my children to see if his intentions are honorable.

I will not be stupid. Any decision I make I am going to make with my eyes open. If I know he's a cheating, lying dog and I marry him anyway, that is something that I will have to deal with and ultimately explain to my kids.

A man is a man is a man, H or not, If I were going to condemn him for being a cheater I should have done that 6 years ago. I have to focus on the exact facts of the current situation. And as it stands he has not slept with another women and I hope he comes through because I am really going to battle for him.

On the positive note, I have not cried since 5 pm yesterday. I've only called him once today as compared to atleast 10 times yesterday and I feel good....for now:(

You guys r right though - I give you that!

HG,

What you should really be thinking about is why in the world would you allow somebody else to treat you this way? He is a serial cheater!!! Some people will cheat even if you are filling their EN's and not LB'ing. In a twisted sort of way you are using the fact that you forgave him before to convince yourself to keep forgiving him and letting him have more chances. What else do you need to see? My advice is to stop thinking about him and to start thinking about you! What is broken inside of you that you would allow this type of person to repeatedly take advantage of you? Wake up!! There are so many good men out there. Why settle for a serial cheater? When you say a man is a man is a man it is another twisted way of justifying what he has done. You are trying to minimize his behavior and say that he is just like any other man and it is ok. Well, he is not like all other men and it is not ok!!!! It's time you stand up and start looking out for you and your children. Kick the serial cheater to the curb and realize that you have self-worth. You do not need him. You can have a great life with somebody else that will honor and protect you and your children.

Sorry to be so harsh because I know you are in alot of pain. But, sometimes it's the only way to get through to someone that has blinders on....

Best of luck.

Mindshare

It's ok mindshare, I like it rough:)

I know I have blinders on plus I'm a debater so I always try to look it it from every angle. I have one more question that I hope I somebody can help me with.

how can he really be called a serial cheater when he's spent the last 3+ years being totally faithful to me?

does it even matter if he does not go further with ow?

And when I said a man was a man was a man, I didn't mean that all men cheat I meant it can happen to BFs and Hs a like.

And yes, because I forgave him in the past, I feel like why stop now, I have come this far and he has come this far. I feel like we're almost there and this is just a stumbling block. Even though I know I was stupid in the past, having done that, I do feel like why now, why should I quit, what is there left to sacrafice, he has my heart, my kids, everything that I value in life I've shared with him.

You have huge blinders on, and if you don't take them off you will be in for a whole lot of He!! in the future.
We all know how devastating this is, so much that words could not even describe it.

Even one before you are M is one too many. Any small sign that a person would let their boundaries down and become selfish to have an A is enough to question the integrity of this person, and their care for you.

A spouse is someone who promises to protect and not cause their H/W any pain. This b/f of yours has already proven he is not there to protect you, and is willing to cause you the worst pain possible.

You have likely been too quick to forgive, and you need to stop now. Yes, you have come this far, so now it is time to stop, end this relationship with someone who has no thought for your heart. He does not have your heart, he has your mind.
What is it exactly that you value?
Certainly not honesty and caring, since this b/f has neither.
He will be a great source of pain and anguish to you and your children.

Open your eyes girl.
What does your family say?





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So I got the goods last night. I made some mistakes that will cause him to be suspicious. So funny, but not. He hasn't really changed his game much, he's doing some of the same things he used to do. Like saving her in the phone under his cousins name. ow, went into vm last night, didn't really leave a msg. just enough to know it was her. But when the vm alert went off he told me it was someone else leaving text. LIE LIE LIE. He is so stupid I was on phone checking his VM before he even finished his lying text msg. story.

So, got the password and I am able to track his outgoing but not incoming (stupid). I can see them and how long they are but not who they're from they could be from me.

He's been calling! I guess I'm not suprised. I checked 90 days of history and this just started mid March. Not even a month, but he's a itching to get in those pants. They seem to miss each others calls often. They talked for 28 minutes on the day he told me he was a sex addict. Other than that their longest call has been 19 minutes. He calls about 3 times a day. But they appear to only talk about once or twice. Here is the kicker. He called her 2 times when we were out at a function. We drink, we danced and he still found time to call her. That hurt.

I feel way different about him today. I'm very torn wanting to skip the carrot and just give him the stick. I feel betrayed and I feel like so what you have been talking to ow for a month. Just stop.

I don't think I can go through with this. I want to plan A but I just think that after everything we've been through I shouldn't have to stand by while he does this. My plan A would probably fail, because everytime I let him slide let me to him wanting to stick the knife in my heart one more time....or perhaps millions. I really want us to work, but I don't see a point in plan A when he knows how much this hurts me. He should be doing the plan A. I don't want to just throw it all away (whatever it is...maybe time and effort). But if he can not resolve to nip this in the bud b4 it goes any further. I'll have to do it myself and I will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did it. He just got off the phone with ow. I have real time. This is not going to be easy, but I think I need to watch and monitor the calls just to make myself see. A part of me still believes in him... in us. I'm just waiting. But the plan A thing can't work because I can't keep my mouth shut. I'm just going to tell him that he can't keep talking to ow everyday and thing that it's going to go away. and that if he stops we can work things out and that if he doesn't I will never forgive him. I have to do this to him because I told him this b4 I told him I did not deserve it and if he ever did it, it would be over. Really talking crazy now.

HG,

You like it rough so I'll say it again. He is a serial cheater!!! Why are you putting up with this garbage??? Are you afraid to be alone? You are worth so much more then the misery this guy will continue to bring to your life. There are good, honest, faithful men out there but you can't find them when you are wasting your time on this one.

Listen, you have told him it has to end with OW yet he is still calling her. You need to set a boundary that has a consequence and then you NEED TO FOLLOW THROUGH!!! Tell him that if he talks to her again then he needs to pack up his stuff and move out. Then, when he does (notice I didn't say if) then you you need to pack up his stuff and put it outside the front door. At this point, you have forgiven him so many times that he knows he can go forward with this and eventually you will just forgive him again. He can count on that. You have trained him this way. Time for a major wake-up call.

If you do not do this then you are going to continue to live with this pain and misery. Why would you want that?

Mindshare

DITCH THIS GUY.

Seek IC for yourself to find out why you think you are such a loser who deserves this piece of crap B/F.

Raise the bar on yourself and you will raise the bar on the next B/F.