MyRev, I see your point but PSUB's MIL and SIL have been valuable allies to him during this whole mess. The OWH in my sitch does all the family functions with OW's side of the family since most have disowned her due to her adultery. It makes it even sadder since he has so little time now with his DD and he has to burn it up taking her around to both sides of the family.

That said, count my vote as another one for starting a new tradition. Is there any place in your town that does an Easter egg hunt for kids? An Easter parade perhaps? Check in your local community paper to see what's going on. Some of these things are quite a blast and your kids will enjoy it.

I wouldn't do the in-law thing if your exWW is going to be there. The main reason being that it will set a precedent and even if she doesn't bring this particular OM, down the road she'll bring somebody and though you won't hate that guy nearly as much, it will be uncomfortable.

PSU,

I think starting the family traditions is a good thing. I also think you are actually missing something very important in your considerations.


1. Have the in-laws actually invited you to their Easter get togethers? If not you are definitely not going.

2. If they have, is exW and Om going to be there? If so, it is a no go because you don't want to expose your kids to more drama.

3. What do your kids really want to do? If they are not really fired up about in-laws right now, definitely start your own traditions, and even let them help you.

4. Even if all of the above answers point toward going, I think that given that this has happened so recently, and the wounds and scars are so fresh, that a time out from the in-law traditions is a good thing to do. You could tell MIL and SIL if they actually invite you, that perhaps this year is too soon but that you definitely want the kids to keep in touch with the cousins, and their grand parents.

I understand MyRev's comments, but I don't think getting divorced means they kids now only have one set of grandparents or family. The real issue is how are they treated by these people and are they accepting of YOU as well. IF they are not, then the issue is clearer.

My vote...start your own traditions, but see if in the future there is some good and healthy ways to keep grandparents and family in the kids life as well. Perhaps it won't be in the same way or same time as it was, but hopefully something constructive can be arranged.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I think you misunderstood my perspective.

In my case ... I took the kids to my family's functions ... and exW took the kids to any of her family's functions, and neither of us ever crossed that line. I was no longer a part of her family, and she was no longer a part of our family. We knew the boundaries and never crossed them ... and the kids had two full sets of grandparents and families that they interacted with.

I know the older I get, the less I have any use for drama ... and having exes attend opposite family events ... for whatever reason ... just lends itself to needless drama.

[quote=PSUBIKER

My dilema is this. I want exWW to feel the full consequence of divorce and also start my own holiday traditions. But, on the other hand I still want the kids to see their cousins. Now that we are divorced, I feel kind of awkward showing up at the in law's houses with the kids for holidays while exWW is at home. Anyone have any advice? [/quote]

Are you in Plan B?

MyReV,

I guess I did. I understand what you are saying.

JL

Thanks all for the suggestions and advice. I'm leaning towards doing my thing with the kids - the point being is if I take the kids to the exWW's family events, then she's excluded from seeing her family. Plus, in mid March I took the kids to one of their cousin's birthday on exWW's father side.

The way I look at it, I need to encourage the kids seeing the relatives on the exWW's side of the family, however, because of the divorce, it is really up to exWW to take the kids to see relatives near holidays when the kids are with me. After talking with some relatives, I think a good rule of thumb for me to follow is if it's a birthday, family reunion, etc but NOT a holiday, I'll do my best to facilitate getting the kids there if it falls on my weekend. However, holidays are known well in advance and it should be up to exWW to work with her family around the holidays.

Let me see here... You're on good terms with xWW family. OM is banned.. right? Will things get awkward if xWW comes by... alone?

Have you gone plan B with xWW? What is the present situation? Have you given up with xWW? Details!

OM is pretty much persona non grata from exWW's entire family. As for plan B, I'd like to call it trying to get to plan I which is plan indifference. Now that we are D'd, it's not that bad.

She's pretty much turned herself into POSOM. The 4th was DD's 4th birthday. WW had her over the weekend. I called exWW at 3:30pm on the 4th to wish DD a happy birthday. No answer so I left a voice mail to have DD call me so I can wish her a happy birthday. No return call. This and the whole gambit of her values shift to match that of POSOM has made her very unattractive in my book.

Right! So you are in plan FU! Fair enough.

A few updates. We've had a busy weekend with the kiddos. I had them over Easter. I took them to church and went to the park and rode bikes in the afternoon. exWW called while in church to talk to the kids. I texted her and told her we'll call in 30 minutes. We did.

Yesterday the kids and I went to the Strasburg RR and PA Train Museum. The kids had a GREAT time. exWW called while there and wanted to argue about how she has no money. Oh well...

I received a call from exSIl yesterday too. She's pretty tired from all of the drama - not that I blame her. She wants me to reach an agreement on the property division and the custody without going through the courts. For the property division, they are afraid that exWW will get screwed if we go to court and she's not represented. I wasn't planning on using my attorney for property division - numbers are numbers.

As for custody, that is a very different story. As you all know, we've had a 50/50 shared arrangement filed with the courts since December. With exWW moving away, that is out the window and to be determined. I told exSIL that exWW has actually spent MORE than me on attorney fees throughout the divorce and it's really not my problem if she didn't use her A wisely. Plus, exWW has a sister who's an attorney. It's not like she didn't have the resources to navigate the family court waters herself. It's just another example of exWW not taking responsibility for her. Oh well...

No money? How sad. She had everything and she threw it all away. Now she has zip and is crying for money. I so hope you get custody. In know you're looking at 50/50 but I still wish they were with you. She's a nutcase. You know she will always ask you to drive the kids out there, because she won't have gas money.

There is something strange in me that would love to hear how "Oh well..." came out in real life!

If she called me about money, I would tell her. I will only ever have one answer to your request. I loved you, you betrayed me, I gave you everything I had, You left me for a scumbag Alchy, and now your hurting for cash. You chose the life of trailer trash. You need to keep up that persona. It works for you. I would sooner cut off my hand then to give you a dime more then what the court forces me to.

Too Funny!!! That would be an excellent response!!!

update

Bump.....

PSUBIKER....how about an update

Not much to update other than I am QUITE sore from the weekend. I drove out to Pittsburgh for a bachelor party weekend where we played paintball, steak house dinner, then the bars.

I was the only one at the bachelor party who was divorced. At the bars it was a VERY good environment for a single man. However, all of us were good and we ended up talking about the consequences of drunken one night stands at the bars. One guy had a daughter with a stay at home mom. We were talking that a one night stand could cost him upwards of 200K if he were to divorce. Very sobering for WH's to be when it is put in that perspective. No one was thinking anything of the sort but it ended up being good bar conversation!

As for the exWW, I did some digging on what to do about schools etc. After my research, I sent her the following:

ExWW,
>
> I called Current School District and there is a major issue with DD4 and preschool next year. Basically, the problem is neither one of us reside in the district and because of her age, she is not elligible for school choice. This will be a problem in ANY school district in the state. Having a PO Box in town does not cut it either. DS6 is not an issue because you just need to be a Delaware resident to go to the Charter School. For DS6, Current School District is being very selective with school choice and he would not be eligible based on our situation. As for DD4, I called the school where Speech Therapist teaches at. Some information I got from them was:
>
> 1. It is in Red Clay School district which includes Hockessin, Greenville, AI Dupont, etc.
>
> 2. If any of us are a resident of the school district, we are automatically elligible for the pre-K / speech program
>
> 3. If not, we can still enroll her in the 5 day 1/2 day program similar to what she would do at Current School District with DS6 Old Teacher but we would have to pay tuition which is $1500 for the school year plus this would include the speech therapy. This comes out to $125/month for the program.
>
> 4. If she goes to a daycare center in the district, she is elligible for the program and we do not have to pay tuition even if we are out of district.
>
> With DD4's speech, DD4has made a lot of progress over the last few months. Speech Therapist has done a good job coordinating with the school. DD4 really likes working with Speech Therapist and works really hard while at therapy. I think with DD4 getting 4-5 days a week with Speech Therapist she would have most of her speech issues solved by the time she starts Kindergarten.
>
> PSUBIKER

ExWW sent me the following reply:

call to discuss I am not talking to a pc regarding the wefare of my kids education .

I didn't know they were HER kids! Well, email is printed out and filed in the "exWW has no interest in being a cooperative co parent file"

Translation: I am not giving you anything in writing to use against me.

Exactly

Hi all, still no thaw in the custody front. Right now, exWW and exSIL are no longer talking since exWW threatened to harm exSIL. Because of this, no way in heck am I talking to exWW unless it is via email! Anyways, she does not want to communicate unless it is via phone or face to face. So, the other day I sent her this :

exWW,

Please put in writting a proposal for the kid's schooling that addresses the following:

1. Maintains continuity with DD4 current speech program. Both teachers have really started to notice significant improvement in DD4 speech and interaction with others. DD4 is extremly comfortable with teacher and really likes working on her speech with her. We have a year to get this taken care of before she starts kindergarten. I am not comfortable with starting over again with new instructors.

2. Maintain as much continuity as possible with DS6 schooling. He seems to really like PCA and has his friends there as well. Teacher hasn't reported any issues that are out of the ordinary for someone his age either.

3. Maintains the 50/50 visitation schedule as we've had before that doesn't require either of us driving 4-6 hours a day just to shuttle the kids from home to school. Both kids like to spend a lot of time with each of us. They are always very excited to see me when I pick them up on Wednesday after a 5 day stay with you. Likewise, I'm sure they are the same way with you when you pick them up on Moday after they're with me for 5 days.

4. Won't require us to go through this same exercise again in a few months when your short term lease is up and you find another place to live which may or may not be in the district your are currently in. This is not being controlling. This is trying to maintain some semblence of stability in the kid's lives as well as being a meaningful part of their lives.

As you all have said, she doesn't want anything in writing.