In Jan, wife told me she wanted a divorce. Times were bad.
In Feb, I found out about OM.
Wife ended her affair and started NC in Mar.
Now says she is committed to trying to make our marriage work (although sometimes I think maybe reluctantly for the kids/guilt).
Has maintained no contact for about 3 weeks.
Says she has no positive feelings for OM now.
Does say she reflects on it and feels sad (not sure what that means).
Says she fell out of love w/me prior to affair and still feels that way.
Doesn't know if she'll ever love me again.

So, she says she's willing to make the marriage work but hasn't really done anything in that regard. We do get along much better and she's taken divorce off the table. Her withdrawal symptoms have greatly diminished. However, I'm still frustrated by doing so much good for her and maybe only getting a hug in response.

She gets real put off when I bring up the affair or working on the marriage so I'm not sure how to better meet her needs or if she will even let me do that. I am being a super nice guy, although sometimes my sadness shows through very clearly.

Looking for some advice on what to do or not do. It's hard being in a marriage with someone you love who is ok with a platonic relationship and meets none of my needs.

Thanks for the input.

Without knowing the details of how long the affair was.

I don't believe it's been long enough for her to come completely out of the fog. I personally would give it more time and keep on doing what you are doing.

But this isn't my area of expertise as I haven't had a chance for recovery yet.

arkhawk1, 3 weeks is nothing. We are six months into recovery. My WW is still showing signs of withdrawl. Are you in Plan A ? Read up on Plan A big time. There is a great thread on what it is all about. Bottom line..You are in for the long haul. Expect nothing...for a while. 3 weeks on the time scale of recovery is not even a drop in the bucket.

In the meantime, make sure there is total NC. Recovery is meaningless otherwise.

Hawk: What methods are you using to verify no contact?

Have you:

- keylogged her computer
- got all her e-mail passwords
- GPS her car
- track her phone calls AND texts
- know here whereabouts 100% of the time

Yes, 3 weeks is a very short time when it comes to the fog and withdrawal.

My advice would be to keep rocking Plan A and verify that NC is kept. Don't trust her...not yet. Verify, aka SNOOP!

Make sure she is NOT seeing the OM secretly. Many times after DDay the wayward spouse will take their contact deep underground to continue getting the *high* of the affair. Verify that she is not still communicating with him.

Has she sent a NC letter?

You need to be patient and have a plan. Hang in there.

Yeah, I figured I still have a long ways to go. I was encouraged to see all of the major withdrawal symptoms like depression, anger, and crying go away and she has come out of the fog some by saying things like "I was blinded by the affair and it consumed me, I said things I didn't mean".

But, in my mind, I've not even started recovery yet. Although I am doing my best and avoiding the LBs, I'm still waiting for an overture by her to get things moving. Just looking for some hope that it will come....soon I hope.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone's comments. Pretty lonely going through this and single-handedly trying to put this marriage back on track (and repress my feelings). Thank you for your encouragement and advice.

arkhawk, do you have a plan of recovery for your marriage? Right now she is still in withdrawal but will draw TO YOU as she withdraws from him. However, it also means you will need to have a plan of recovery. ARe you familiar with the MB concepts? Do you have any of the books?

I've read HNHN and SAA and most of the articles on this site. I'm doing my part the best I can but she's not at the point where she wants to talk about details of recovery without it becoming a negative conversation.

ark, that is pretty normal at this point so don't let it upset you. The only thing you can do right now is NOT lovebust and watch her like a HAWK to make sure that contact really has ended. She will most likely come around.

I am not being clear enough; as she withdraws, she should become more receptive to a plan of recovery. As long as contact really is ended.

This soon after d-day and NC you are probably filled with questions and she is probably very reluctant to talk. That's normal. As a BS you'll need answers to your questions and you'll need to talk things over. Eventually she'll come to understand that in order for you to heal, she has to be patient and answer your questions and engage in those conversations with you. But she is not yet ready for that.

If you push, she may feel like being around you is a non-stop assault about "The Relationship". She needs to know that most time spent with you is happy, good, and rewarding.

Perhaps the two of you could POJA a way to address this disparity. Many couples find it helpful to set aside a couple of evenings a week for "Relationship Talk". That way the BS knows that in a couple of days they'll be able to ask questions and talk about the marriage, and the WS doesn't walk around wondering when the next barrage of questions is going to begin.

Another thing that might help you is to write down things that are on your mind as they occur to you. Leave them written down for a day or two (at least 24 hours) and then review the list before bringing up any of the topics on the list. You'll find that many of them are unimportant, even though they seem urgent when they first occur to you.

I agree with the others - you need a plan in place to verify NC.

She saw me looking at this site yesterday and got mad because I was reading a note about an affair and she said it threw it all in her face again. It made me mad b/c I was trying to educate myself to save the marriage.

We had a tough conversation after that. She said she understood why I was looking at the site. She admitted that there are times when she wished the affair had worked out. That she thought I was a great man and couldn't figure out why she couldn't fall in love with me but that she wanted to and was trying to. She said she's been miserable in the marriage for a long time. Said I didn't understand b/c I was happy (I wasn't happy, content maybe, but also committed).

She said she was the bad guy and should take her punishment (by feeling empty in the marriage). I told her I didn't want her to stay for the kids, or guilt, or if she didn't love me or if she was pining for someone else. Told her to go chase the OM. She said no, that she couldn't have him.

I was so mad, but I told her we are where we are so we could decide to work on moving forward or hold on to the resentments of the past. She said she wanted to build a relationship that our kids could mirror in their lives but that it was hard b/c she wasn't in love with me.

I felt bad after the conversation because I thought it might have had several LBs in it. She said she didn't feel negative about it at all, but didn't want to discuss it anymore. Since then, she's been extremely nice to me. However, I'm getting to feel indifferent quite often.

I'm quite discouraged today.

In the past week or so, I've come to feel very indifferent about whether this marriage works or not. After all, My Wife had an affair!!!! How could she do that! And, she says she doesn't love me. My kids would be better off without the negative influences of her lying, cheating, betraying, lack of commitment, etc.

Although she says she is trying to make herself love me so we can make our marriage work, I feel that she is staying out of guilt, or for the kids. I do not want to be married to someone who doesn't love me or constantly thinks about what might have been with someone else.

I'm getting zero needs met (not even a peck on the cheek). Meanwhile, she is being treated like a queen. I feel like I no longer have a wife, just a roomate that takes advantage of me and spends all my money. But, I found that I can be a great single parent if I need to be.

Anyone else feel this way?

Art, like so many others out there. The offending spouse says ILYBINILWY. Does she work. Or is she a stay at home mom? Personally, if she doesn't appreciate what she has......take it away from her. Close your joint bank accounts and credit cards. Tell her that she can move out. Tell her that her lack of love for you is effectively killing your love for her. Tell her if she isn't happy with you.....Leave. Go live with your family or friends or the OM. Tell her in no uncertain terms. "If I'm not #1 in your. I want my freedom to go find the woman that will think of me as #1. You need to get up in her grill. Sorry but she sounds like shes spoiled rotten.

She needs to experience life without you, to find out if she really loves you. But its a risk for her. Because I don't think you would be on the market that long b4 another woman would jump up and say "IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM I'LL GLADLY TAKE HIM, AND I WILL ROCK HIS WORLD".

She works but makes very little money - only does it to stay busy.

I have been thinking exactly what you are suggesting. Basically, if you don't want to really commit then walk away, not just from me but our family, and never come back.

I do want to give it some more time. The Plan A has been extremely effective so far. She has said that I am a great person who provides well and a great father. However, she just doesn't feel romantic love for me.

I figure I will wait until the end of May at least before I do anything of that sort.(our anniversary and the kids will be out of school).

I'm torn. I see folks on here that see progress after many, many months but a part of me doesn't want to have to do that when she's the one who walked away and won't put much effort into salvaging what's left.

ark, if you can hold out until May you might do a few things in the coming weeks to improve your state of mind should your wife's withdrawl/self pity attitude continue. Have you consulted and attorney to find out what your right are? What is the plan if she doesn't get on board after May? If she does, what are your boundaries? Are you taking better care of yourself? Eating right, getting enough sleep?

You can still do Plan A but you need to look out for yourself too.

Art, read chucks thread, Yes there is progress. But a lot of the time a WS will keep his/her nose in the air like they are doing the victim a favor by being there. Your wife may very well love you but will not humble herself by giving you physical love. Thus keeping up her rebellious nature. As far as being a good provider, that is insulting. She is very happy to be married to your paycheck. Oh yeah and she will keep you around for the ego strokes from you loving her too. She should be required to win you back. A marriage is only worth as much as what you are willing to do to keep it. If you want to wait till the end of may, its up to you. But I would rather see you bring her to crisis so that by then, you could have a better wife. She cannot understand what she is losing if she hasn't lost anything. She needs to see what single motherhood is like with a low paying job. And trying to make ends meet. Again, all this is my opinion and there are plenty here that will disagree with me.

I am in much better shape now than a few months ago. Of course, I am frustrated. I am sad, not so much out of self pity now, but because I say goodbye to 13 years of my life, my dreams and plans, and I'm concerned for my children's uncertain future.

I think that since I've come to grips with the reality of my situation and gotten past the severe emotional period, I am now indifferent. I've made myself a better person, better husband and better father. If she doesn't want to be part of that, fine. I don't plan on being miserable my whole life. I want the marriage to work and will do anything to make that happen, but I need to see she is committed as well.

Tomorrow I will probably feel differently. I will probably find something that tells me to keep trying and that there is a lot of hope. But today I'm discouraged because she doesn't love me.

That must be torture. You must have a lot of patience. What she doesn't understand is. That while her attitude is understandable (though not right) She is a complete imbecile if she thinks that a man is going to settle for a platonic relationship, when he could just dump her and find someone that will actually love him.

As I have said many time. A man judges his marriage by the act of making love. If she will not make love (not sex), There is no marriage.

You are filling her needs for communication, but you aren't getting anything in return.

I want you to think on this. Exactly what would happen if you told her you were separating bank accounts, because you don't let "friends" have financial access to your money. Only you wife. This would be a shot across the bow. She needs to think that you are pulling away. She needs to be in fear of losing you. What is the worst thing that can happen? Do you think she will pack and leave if she doesn't have your money? I doubt it. Just think on it.

That's a good attitude. I'd still look into consulting an attorney. It never hurts to be aware. Now that the severe emotional period has calmed down, it may be a good time to think over what you will do in either scenario. Write it down as it's easy to forget things when your mood swings.

I sense a lot of confusion in her. 4 weeks of no contact that I know of. Last week she said:

- you are a great man and a great father, I don't know why I cant love you like a wife should

- I am trying to be in love with you

- sometimes I wish the affair would have worked out - it showed me something I knew never existed (deep, deep conversation?)

- I don't want to hurt you. I am the bad guy, I should be the one punished and push down these feelings of misery.

- I told her I wanted us to have a marriage that our children could mirror in their lives - she said she wanted that too.


However, she makes little effort to spend quality time with me. She does call me to say hi. Occasionally I get a quick hug. Nothing more.

I think she is upset she cant have the OM and guilt is keeping her in our marriage. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. She has recognized the Plan A changes.