Hi everyone,

I found this website to late in my relationship. My husband and I got divorced after being together for 18 yrs and married 14 yrs. I found out he was cheating and was completely devasted. I moved out and filed for divorce. We both were unable to speak to each other when things were taking place. However, we now realize that he had a nervous breakdown (mother passed away, he was nearing his military retirement after 23 yrs of serving, new job prospects, new housing location, etc.) anyway he had an affair and left him. Once the divorce was finalized (about 5 months later) we were able to speak to one another and have become friends. Of course he lives with someone else and so do I yet neither of us are happy in our situations. We write and text each other nearly everyday. We have discussed getting back together but just briefly. We live 3 hrs away from each other now and uprooting and changing jobs is not an easy task. My questions is, how did we mess up and end up where we are and how to we move forward. We have learned so much in the time we have been apart (emotional needs, love, care, listening, etc.) everything we didn't do at the very end. How do we come back together? We know we don't want to grow old with the people we are with but the economy puts us in a very odd situation. Any help or suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to MB.
Personally, I don't think you can move forward since you both seem to be involved in romantic relationships with someone else. You need to get out of those first. Also, I'd be just a tad concerned that your ex is repeating his infidelity patterns, only this time, you're the other woman. You two are having an emotional affair.

I know the economy stinks right now, but could you find a same sex roommate, so that you could break up with your live-in boyfriend? Even then, I wouldn't suggest you jump into a relationship with your XH. Often, there are reasons why the divorce happened that go beyond infidelity and making a snap decision when faced with infidelity. These reasons will resurface once your relationship with your X is subject to all the stressees of everyday life.

Further more, unless your X behaved in radically different ways from his normal mode, I'm not buying the nervous breakdown. Nervous breakdowns are like my friend's ex who came home from work one day in new clothes in a style he didn't wear. He proceeded to root around in the closet, and said he couldn't find the Scotch. Where was the Scotch. She told him there wasn't any because he didn't drink it. He claimed he always had a glass of scotch when he came home from work. That's the sort of radically different thinking that would suggest your X did have a nervous breakdown as opposed to deciding to cope with stress in a very self-indulgent, selfish way.

So, if you're not happy in your situation now, the answer isn't getting back with your X. It's changing your situation, being on your own, and taking time to really figure out what's going to work best for you. It may be that you get back together with your X, but you may choose something different when you're not full of the fog caused by an emotional affair and an unhappy romantic situation.

Forget this until you both end your current relationships and move out.

Thanks for the messages. I'm taking it one day at a time and I see where I do need to separate myself from the roommate and the XH. It's just a matter of when and how....

It's difficult just to forget this. As you put so kindly in the thread. There is a major emotional tie here. We talk/text every single day. If I ignore him and try to stay away then he contacts me and just when I think he isn't he does or I give in. It's just horrible.

Scarlett:

I'm not divorced. But Flamingo, (my BS) would have reacted just like you did on discovery of my affair. She would have thrown me out, instead of her moving out, but just the same.

Three days before discovery day, she found MB. And she told me. And I spent six hours learning about MB, and affairs. I ended it with other woman, and OW called Flamingo and outed me. My Affair had gone on for 4.5 years. I give you this info so you know where I am coming from.

You state that you moved out when you discovered the A and you were divorced 5 months later. That was real fast. Your WH did not have a nervous breakdown, many things happened at that time, but he still made choices. He made a choice to go to an OW. All other factors that he claims are irrelevant. Justifications for his behavior.

TheRoad stated that you should forget about this until BOTH of you have ended the relationship that you are in. THis is very solid advice. End your current relationships to find out about reconnecting with your XH. You are lying to your current BF, just like your WH lied to you before the divorce.

You can not make these lifestyle choices that you have been making on a "whim" Throw WH out. Move in with someone else. Move away. Take new jobs. Time to make a plan.

You were married to your WH for over 20 years. There is a lot of history there. There was a good man in there I presume. Had you known about MB on the day you discovered your affair, maybe you would NOT be divorced today. Or maybe you still would be. You state that you have learned alot, I presume from MB, about what may have gone wrong. How much has your WH learned?

If he has learned nothing. Then its a fools plan to persue reconcilliation.
If he has learned something, then its still a fools plan.
He has to have learned EVEN MORE than you have to have any chance of your relationship ever working in the future.

Yes, its all on him. Your here, and can learn more. Buy Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs. Those books expand and guide all that you can learn here at MBDB.

But, in order for you to continue ANYTHING with your WH, you have to end your relationship with your BF. Move out, or he moves out. End contact with him. You need to approach this with honesty and open eyes.

And you can look at your WH with a clear head. He lost you once, he probably thinks he can have his cake and eat it as well, once again. THat's why HE should be the one doing all the work here. Ending his relationship with his GF. Making amends to you, by showing you that he is remorseful and contrite, and actually changed. Not just words. Actions.

Texting all day means NOTHING. It means that you are the objective. And he means to capture you. And if he does, what happens then?

There are many threads here about couples that divorced quickly after Dday, and then remarried. Some worked out, other did not. So protect yourself. And end it with your BF if you think that your going to do anything with your EH. There are plenty of threads here about X's cheating with thier X's on the new partner. Those are sad to read also.

For many years, my BS hoped for the "get out of marriage free card". MB pulled that trump card from her. We have a wonderful marriage now....

LG

I agree with the advice given...first end current relationships, then see each other (living apart)...you will need to address the problems you had or you will be facing them again.

I have an idea.

First you both must end the current relationships. Then you BOTH should do the reading here, and really discuss what you have and are learning. There is a plan here for rebuilding a marriage, and it can start while you are married or even after divorce. There was a lady here a few years ago, that remarried her H, after being divorced for several years and her affair going on until her divorce.

However, she learned, she changed, her H healed, and they are happily remarried.

You can do the same and frankly if both of you learn the approach to marriage found here, use it, and set up and maintain good boundaries, you could have a good marriage once again.

It is really up to you, but step one is to end the relationships you are in. You are hurting two other people because neither of you are committed to them, and because your full attention isn't on them. If you want to recover the marriage, your full attention should be on the task at hand.

I don't know if your H had a nervous breakdown, or was severely depressed or just under a lot of pressure and made some bad decisions. None of that really matters. What matters are his boundaries now, and how he plans to protect them, a relationship with you, and himself.

Please do the reading, point him in this direction, and let the actions speak for themselves.

God Bless,

JL

Hi everyone,

I got rid of my live in BF! Sad, but such a relief on the other hand. I own a home so it's going to be tough doing some of the things around here but I know I can do. It's to costly to hire someone (like cutting the grass, change the oil in the car, etc.) I will manage.

Oh, the reason I moved out is that after 8 months of wondering what was wrong with him, asking, pleading, begging, etc. and no response from him. Other than he had allot of thinking to do but in the mean time he was out late and night, sometimes not coming home, not answering his phone, just completely out of the norm type of behavior, always had late meetings. One day he said he had a 2 week work trip to go, so I decided to move out and get the house up on the market before we lost the opportunity to sell. This was right before the wave of foreclosure properties and we were suppose to be moving South anyways once he actually retired.
I had a feeling he was up to no good, something in your gut tells you and that is when I got extremely angry and decided to move and put the house up for sell. I have never been so angry in my life! It was a complete NIGHTMARE during that time frame.

Well, I know one thing my EX-H says his done allot of soul searching and continues to search every minute/every day within himself. It's hard hearing some of the things he has to say. About himself and realizing what he was going through and what he put me through. Especially, when his Mother was dying of cancer. Then she passed away, I seemed to be his target of anger. Right during the same time he was retiring from the Military and I was going to college. Everything just seemed to fall apart and neither of us saw it coming. It's really sad to look back and now I see it PLAIN as day but then I never saw this coming.

Some days he e-mails or text. We live 3 hours apart from each other so it just makes communication rough sometimes. I don't know where we are going but we are making some small changes.

Thanks for all the advice and any pointers you all give me will be great. His not read to come on this site, thinks it's just BS...but I keep telling him it isn't. Stubborn military minded men!

I would suggest you enter couples counseling and do some work before you get back together. Also, are you sure he wants to get back with you? He may have mixed feelings.

Thanks MowTin...He/we do have mixed feelings. We are not sure IF we want to get back together. Some days yes, some days no...but more so because we are scared and don't know what direction to move towards. We are making small steps. I have left my ex-bf and he is in the process of leaving his live in gf. Only time and God will lead us in the right direction for now.