Short Version: I've been championing commitment despite changing feelings in the 3 months since my wife left me for another man and suddenly find my own feelings changing. With a free lawyer prepared to fight up to two years, I was ready to drag it out and give her every opportunity to come back. Now I'm not so sure I want her back and am almost scared that she might come back if I give her 2 years. How do you decide how long to fight (especially after refusing to sign papers and telling her we should both be committed despite changing feelings)?

Less-Than-Short Version: Wife of 5 1/2 years left three months ago for an ex-boyfriend with whom she'd already been having an affair for two months. She has expressed no interest in reconciliation since the very first "I don't know" when I calmly confronted her with evidence of the affair. She even moved in with him a little over a month into the separation. I've done everything I know to do (notes, gifts, Christian marriage books, individual Christian counseling, this website, etc.). I have expressed all along that I'm committed to the marriage whether she is or not, that my love is unconditional, and that God can still restore our marriage. Even so, she told me she filed a little over a week ago. My attorney is a good friend of mine that has agreed to represent me for free and he insists that we can drag out a divorce for up to two years if we like. My initial intention was to do so at the very least to buy her time to come to her senses about the mistakes she's made, to come back, and to reconcile.

That said, three months into separation and I'm slowly beginning to heal. I'm getting used to life without her, I'm tiring of the abuse, and now I've crossed paths with an ex (also going through a divorce). We traded stories, laughed about old times, and agreed that it would be best if we didn't talk any more. She is praying for reconciliation in my marriage and we both want to make sure that our paths crossing doesn't play a role in how our marriages play out. Even so, remembering that friendship gave me hope of life after my marriage, whoever it may be with. As a result, I'm starting to doubt just how long I want to drag out a possible divorce.

I'd feel like a hypocrite to suddenly agree to sign papers I told her I wouldn't sign, so I feel I have to fight to some degree for a while, but how long? I don't know if I want her back or not anymore, but I also want peace at the end of the process in knowing that I did everything that I could. I don't want to wonder if she would have come back if I stuck it out just another few weeks, months, or the maximum amount of time I could. Also, at this point, not knowing if I want her back anymore, I'm almost a little scared that she might come back and am fighting the urge to just put up a minimal fight and be done.

How long should I drag this out? Obviously, I won't sign the first set of papers, but I don't know how long it's worth hanging on when I see hope and light at the end of the tunnel without her. Any advice is appreciated.

First advice, stop seeing old flame.

Follow that advice for the next 100 years, or until your wife sees the divorce to it's final outcome.

In the mean time, you don't have to make any decisions, just be the best husband you can be, eliminate any love busting behavior and meet as many emotional needs you are enthusiastic about meeting.

If she comes back, continue to meet needs and avoid LB's. If not, you are trained for any future relationships.

But at all costs, avoid the old flame.

Already stopped talking to the ex. No question that could mess with my head and that is part of why I'm here. I guess my question is more about how hard and long I have to fight for my marriage if and when I decide I don't really want to be married to her anymore? Her infidelity justifies my pursuit of divorce, but I feel I've painted myself into a corner by remaining committed in spite of her infidelity. Obviously I can't pursue other relationships right now, but do I have to continue to wait it out indefinitely just because I talked big for the first few months of separation? I know better than to just follow feelings, but can I never decide I've had enough, agree to the divorce, and move on?

Why do you have to decide?

Even if you don't go along with the divorce, it will eventually happen if that's what she wants.

So you could just decide not to make it easy, and see how you feel when the final day comes.

Your feelings will swing from one extreme to the other, so why decide today? You may feel differently 6 months or 6 minutes from now.

I did.

There were times when I wanted to save my marriage more than anything and times where I wanted absolutely nothing to do with my former wife.

Ultimately, she ended the marriage, and has to explain to our child why she divorced a man who loved her.

Why our daughter asks me, she hears the same story, I was never in favor of the divorce, but I had no way of stopping your mother from having her affair, nor stopping the divorce she wanted.

Your mother was loved, but apparently it wasn't in a fashion she appreciated based on her actions.

You're absolutely right that I don't have to decide. I like your approach and that is exactly how I've envisioned it all along. I guess now I just am starting to think I might not want her back and I'm fearing having to make that decision if she comes back while I'm dragging it out. If she comes back and I don't want her anymore, do I have to take her back because of the stance I've taken up to this point? Even if I don't, would I have the heart to turn her away when I don't want her back anymore? I understand this website is all about saving marriages, but at what point am I okay to backtrack on my commitment to an unfaithful wife that has already filed for divorce?

You do not have to make the divorce easy.

Do you know about plan A and plan B?

You should do a plan A for six months if you can. Do not do it for a day longer. If you can only do it for three months that's better then not doing any plan A.

Read up on how to expose then expose OMW, WW's parents and her siblings.

Is this a work place affair?

The more you tell us the better we can tailor advice.

I think your running into you ex has complicated your feelings. Please try to separate your feelings from what you are doing. I wholeheartedly agree that until things are settled one way or another (and even for a period of time afterwards) there should be no contact with the ex. Right now your focus should be on what to do with this marriage.
It sounds like you are a committed Christian. As such, you should be aware then, that God can restore a marriage. It does not always happen like that, however. Provision is made in the event that one does not keep their marital vows. Forgiveness and reconciliation would be the preferred step over that of divorce, but the choice is left to you and you would not be wrong to divorce. However, you made a premature commitment to your wife that you may have a difficult time honoring. You told her you are committed to the marriage, regardless of her actions. What if she were to hold you to that? What would you do then? At the time, you wanted to save the marriage no matter what. Now, you are tired of everything, and understandably so, and you're not wanting to continue with it. What if God had in mind to restore your marriage? Well if that were to happen, you can rest assured He would also take care of your feelings...and hers too. But until you see that likelihood, I wouldn't worry about it unduly. My advice would be to continue with the commitment to the marriage and see where that leads you. Since she has already filed, it's likely she will continue with the divorce, and in that event, the decision is already taken care of. I would let her know at this point, that should she continue the divorce, that once it is done, it is done...you see, you told her otherwise, so if you change the terms, she needs to be made aware of it. And if the divorce takes place, I'd give yourself a period of time to heal before considering another relationship, we need time to discover who we are apart from this person, and to deal with any baggage brought on by their cheating, etc. You might discover you like being on your own after all!

I know I don't have to make the divorce easy. I intended to make it quite difficult, but I just don't know if I care enough about getting her back anymore to be that stubborn.

I've more or less done Plan A for 3 months and have significantly decreased contact the last couple of weeks. Moving a lot closer to a Plan B sort of naturally.

I was thinking about exposing the affair to her parents and possibly people at their workplaces, but I don't really see that doing anything besides driving her away and causing bitterness. Not sure if, when, or how to do that.

It's a workplace romance in that he comes in her office occasionally for work, but no, he does not work there daily. Even so, quitting that job is something I'd insist on (as well as cutting off all friends that enabled her in the process) if we are ever to seriously consider reconciliation. Thanks.

You need to expose to both families, friends, and her workplace. If she's going to go through with this, let her have her consequences. It's not about retribution, go read up on Plan A & B. I would also issue a Plan B letter asap.

No, you are not required by anyone to continue pursuit of a recovered M. And I don't believe that anyone here or elsewhere will think less of you for it. I spent a few months working hard in Plan A and then a few in Plan B before I no longer had any desire to recover my M. I was actually afraid that my WW would meet the requirements of my PBL because then I'd be obligated to try and R. My intermediary said something very important to me, which was that I was free to change my mind. Plan B is not supposed to be indefinite, it is only supposed to go until the A ends or until the BS loses all their love/desire for the WS, whichever comes first.