Ok all you 2x4 carrying vets. I split up w/ the GF a few weeks ago, it was more mutual than anything so don’t hit me too hard. Secondly, I apologized to EVERYONE. Anyone effected by the retaliation, lost relationships, inlaws, outlaws, and ultimately to my fWxw for all that I said and did in retaliation for her waywardness including my own waywardness. Here is the question. She is still reeling from all of it related to her A and my RA. I have offered to begin a SLOW process of reconciliation, but for now I feel its best to just do little things to show her I’m here for her. I’ve given her money, called to check on her at times, told her jokes, given her small gifts, offered to take the children if she wants to go out, gift cards, financial advice, etc. Am I taking the right approach? Can a BS who went WS himself do what is necessary to mend the original WS who then became a BS? Any little ideas of things I can do to comfort her, but not come on too strong? Is it just too screwed up and I’d be doing her a favor to leave well enough alone? I’m at a loss, because I’ve really healed and turned things around in my life. I want to help her now.

Sorry, but I just don't see it. You still appear to be a "train wreck" ... just looking for a place to happen.

If it were me ... I'd leave my XWW alone ... and move on with MY life.

You really need to learn how to END a relationship ... and keep it ENDED!!!

MR,

I know I deserve that for saying some of the things I have over the last 9 months. I really cut out all the partying, agreed to end it w/ the GF, started spending A LOT more time w/ my kids and a little w FWxW. More than anything, I used this forum to vent as I believe a lot of BHs do(a la Krazy). You are right in one way, my world was rocked. I was a well grounded, smart, educated individual who has bounced back from a lot in my life. I will tell you honestly that only about a month ago did I really start to stabilize. It got that bad. That’s when I talked to FWxW and we both held each other and cried over all that had happened. That’s when I began to turn the corner. When you see the pain in someone you love, regardless if it was self-inflicted, you will snap out of it. That’s what happened w/ me. Now back to my request, what little things could I do here or there to show her I’m here for her and can help her heal and at the same time, move myself more down the healing path. When I’m with her and talk to her I feel like it’s the old days. I really don’t feel any hurt when I’m w/ her now? Is that a sign I’m improving? I’m not asking for smart a answers, but for real guidance.

DUDE

Short answer to your question--I really don't think so. You should back off and leave her alone if that is what she would prefer. Have you asked her?

Just curious: Why did you turn the tables and become a WS yourself after feeling the horror of knowing what it feels like to be the BS? Was it just you being vendictive? Or, entitled? Just honestly curious.

I think you should ask your wife what she wants and then try to give her that.

Probably more vindicitive. If it had been a one-time event and a confession no way I would have retaliated, but a LTA, and me confronting a year before DDAY, nope the resentment was too much. I still regret it though, but I understand why I snapped.

Dude, you have asked this question about a dozen times a dozen different ways. You don't need anyone's permission if you want to try R with your ex. Myself, I would not but I'm not you.

Frankly, if I were your ex, I would just want you to leave me alone so that we BOTH could get our sh*t together. ALONE. Neither one of you needs to be thinking about anything to do with relationships right now.

Focus on your kids and leave everything else alone, at least until next year.

Baby steps, Dude, baby steps.

IMO, don't put pressure on her or you, or rush a romance or give yourself a time table.

Try listening to her. Take a deep breath, relax a little, and just be quiet. Just enjoy the NOW. Don't think about the future...just enjoy the NOW.

And if it feels like old times -- well, we know what happened. It needs to feel like new times with your best friend.

Another suggestion: Recheck your priorities. Try this -- God first, wife second, kids third. OK -- she's not your wife anymore but you get what I mean. Don't make youself one of your top three priorities.

See how that goes. Try to focus on simple things. Like being a good man.

BABY STEPS BIGTIME...I agree...We are both focusing on the kids. DUDE

I have been very hard on you in most of my posts to you.

Here's the deal; I just haven't seen you being honest with your xW or with yourself. You appear very self centered to me. Sorry!

If you want to reconcile, spend some time out of town with xW for say.... 4 days and lay all the truths out on the table. 4 days of RADICAL honesty ought to do it. If you both want to recover after that then lay out a workable, detailed plan for a marital recovery and begin immediately.

If after 4 days either of you decide it's a no go..... then leave it alone and leave her alone.

But stop with all the games and just get gut level honest with each other.

Dude,

Remember I said do us all a favour and go back to your WW? Thanks for obliging!

To answer your question - I think SMB is most qualified to answer - but IMO the answer is yes