It was March of 2006 when I found this place after I tapped our phone and discovered my wife's physical affair. We're still together after years of trying to get through this. I thought we were doing pretty good - I didn't lash out at her as much, the topic almost never came up, I didn't trigger too bad, etc.

And then while looking for socks in the laundry room yesterday, I found a cellphone stashed away. So she has been involved in an emotional affair (steamy text messages, nudie pics sent back and forth) with somebody completely different from the first guy. The last affair killed me. It's been 24 hours now, and I still haven't even shed a tear this time. I guess the first affair killed me, so this one I'm just numb to. I talked to the other man today, and he apologized and said he had told his wife, and that it just happened. I know, I've heard all that.

So part of me is relieved that they hadn't had sex yet (according to them, so I won't ever really believe that), and part of me is just plain ready to throw in the towel.

Really, is there any hope after a 2nd affair when the cheater was supposedly so sorry after first affair, swore to never do this again, etc. She knows how bad she's hurt me, but she doesn't want us to split up. It's horrible. I mean, it's taken me 3 years to build up trust to this point, and once again I'm blindsided by betrayal.

I'm really ready to throw in the towel, but I know it would destroy our kids. I'm just afraid that if I don't get out know, she is going to destroy me.

Thanks,
Chris

Hi hurtsrealbad,

Welcome back. A sorry welcome at that.

What happened in the first A, I mean things like did you do Plan A, expose to everyone, MC, set up boundaries?
I'm wondering why this R failed. Any insight???

Promises don't count.

I definitely feel your pain. how old are the kids? In my first marriage my wife had multiple affairs. We reconciled after the first one I became aware of but eventually she did it again. I don't know the answer, only you will. if your spouse won't remain faithful you are in a pretty tight spot

The point is. It won't destroy your kids. I know because I was one of those kids at 5 years old. Been with my wife for 30 years. Your kids need a better roll model then a skanky mom who will continue to have affairs. What did she say when you confronted her?

hurtsrealbad,

So sorry you find yourself here--again. You may be numb now, but get ready for the tsunami of those old feelings.

Did you follow the program last time--the carrot and stick of Plan A? Did you identify her (and your) emotional needs at the time, and work at meeting them? Any counseling?

What's gone on in the interim between the two affairs?

Lots of questions, but we won't know where to start without that information.

Once your brain starts working again, you'll have to think long and hard about whether you want to attempt recovery again. Serial cheaters are tough nuts to crack.

So very sorry you're back in that awful place.

Right Here Waiting

I wouldn't even consider R without a polygraph this time. You need to know WHO this woman is and WHAT she is actually capable of.

And I would expose to the OMW now.

So did you confront her yet? What happened?

Well, to answer some of the questions - we did not do marriage counseling, we really didn't do the Hartley plan A or any of that either. I tried to muck through, kept from killing the other guy, only became slightly alcoholic, and I was pretty much withdrawn and distant since the first affair, so once again she was vulnerable to this happening.

She doesn't want to lose me, but she tells me she needs more from me - more love, attention, etc. Well, the first affair pretty much made me give less of all that stuff, and now this 2nd one I'm pretty sure is going to make me give even less. I mean, at this point, I really have no hope.

The other man and his wife have both been told.

Thanks for all the responses, but I probably won't reply for a while after this message. I got a lot of stuff to figure out.

Chris

So, the first A was not dealt with, meaning there was no R plan in place, for either of you.

If you have any feeling at all of wanting to rebuild, do phone counseling with the Harley's, both of you. It is ill advised to not make any decisions of finality while you are an emotional train wreck right now.
Do the online course. We took the seminar, best $$$ we ever spent.
It is possible to R and have a better M if both parties are willing to put forth 100%, if your WW is wanting to rebuild, you are already half way there.

Out of curiosity, if you were here on MB during the first A, did you not get a plan/support or did you not follow a plan that was given.
I'm not pointing a finger, I really am just curious as to how this second one could have been prevented.
We learn from hindsight.

Chris,

As you can see, you never really recovered from that first affair, so your marriage was still vulnerable. In fact, you couldn't recover by withdrawing and trying to sweep everything under the rug.

Either you didn't read the plan that is outlined on this site, or it was so counterintuitive to you that you thought it wouldn't work, or that you couldn't make yourself do what it required.

It will be that much harder to do it now that you've been blindsided again, but if you want your marriage to work, you MUST. If your wife really wants the marriage too, you are WAY ahead of the game, but you've got some catching up to do.

Read, read, READ about Emotional Needs (which neither of you have been meeting) and Love Busters (which both of you have probably been committing). Both of these things made your marriage vulnerable, and saving your marriage involves changing your behavior. Both of you. Simple as that. (Simple, but not easy.) But first, you must both commit to it and believe it's possible.

What have you got to lose that you haven't already?

Get the books His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters and Surviving An Affair (from your bookstore, or through the MB bookstore link on the home page). A WEALTH of information in them that will really open your eyes. Read the books together, and spend a few phone sessions with the MB coaches (also linked on the home page). They cut to the chase and are FAR more specific and practical than most marriage counselors, and their success rate is far higher. They are pros.

THERE IS A CONCRETE PLAN you can follow, and if you're both on board, you WILL succeed. Will cost you a few hundred dollars and a LOT of time, but the rewards are way beyond the cost.

Meanwhile, keep posting here, and see if your wife will too. There is tremendous support here for both of you. Please take advantage of it this time.

We're pulling for you.

Right Here Waiting