[I have a WH like yours. He was the ultimate cake eater. Why?
Because I baked cakes like there was no tomorrow. He will do this as long as you let him.

If you don't want a D, don't file for one, but do file for legal separation to protect yourself financially and prevent him from running off on you and not giving you support. Tell him if he wants the D, he has to do it.

Remove yourself from this triangle before it destroys you. Plan B girlfriend. [/quote]


HI! Was that a post from you somewhere saying that he never got it until you filed? That's what made me start really thinking about it.
He is a total cake eater, not only have I let him- he also has an OW that feeds it. Because they spout venom at each other, he believes NOTHING you say to him. The OW has wrote letters & texted about me "begging him or somehow convincing him to come home" which everyone knows- I couldn't if I wanted to!! If I had that much influence I wouldn't be here today.
I promise you- I may have let him run over me, but I haven't begged him to stay or come back!!! I've begged him to go! When I saw the text last year that is exactly what I said. I've begged you to go, never begged you to stay. His reply was "well, yes. But you didn't mean it" How can he be so darn sure of himself & I'm so darn NOT! LOL
He actually says now that he only agreed to our support arrangements because he never intended to leave!
The separation is a REALLY good idea!! We have a signed MSA but it would really be considered as a guideline. The state we moved from didn't recgonize legal separation. But the one I'm in now does!!! LOL The last time I brought it up he went into orbit. But, hey!! I've asked him to move out, I'm putting his things on the drive tonight. I might as well get all the freak outs over with in one fell swoop!!! Thanks!! Good idea. Is it "final enough" you think?? Or will he just read it as "still hanging on"

OK guys, he's out. Plan B underway. Need a letter. I did text him & tell him that I loved him, hated his actions. Unsure whether D or SEP is the way to go but, I think anything less than a D is going to leave him with the impression that I'm still waiting on him to decide.
He texted back & graciously offered up that a uncontested D was very easy (REALLY!) and inexpensive. OW had looked it up, only about $100!!! Offered to rework his schedule & meet me this afternoon at the courthouse or next week would be fine too. (I've made it clear I'm going, with or without him. If he follows his usual pattern I won't hear another word from him about it.)
I told him Ds were never "easy or inexpensive" but that we had everything worked out, financially & today would be good for me. After that I wouldn't communicate with him anymore unless it was about following MB & reconciliation.
He pulled into the drive, loaded his things (OW free, thank goodness!) & immediately texted to ask why I had "stolen his hangers?"
I wanted to reply that it wasn't me. The girls started removing his things from the closet before I could get in the room. They pulled each thing off the hanger. I stopped them but they had gotten quite a bit done before I could. Ooops. They are angry.
But, it's a Plan B, so I resisted the urge & ignored him. One down, 5 bazillion to go. LOL

Well, as expected- I never heard from him about filing. That's normal for him. Very agreeable & ready to get it done, then- nothing. If I had called or texted, he wouldn't have responded. But I didn't!!! Woo hoo. LOL
He also didn't show for the girls ball practice. I knew he wouldn't, they expected him to. He will avoid us like the plague now. I always wonder- is that guilt? Shame? Trying to avoid filing? Probably a combo of all three. I don't know. I'll just file SOMETHING without him.

OK guys, I really need some advice tonight! Or maybe I just need someone to listen to me gripe!!! LOL
It's been a rough day, of course the girls aren't doing all the great. But I've had a couple unsettling discoveries myself.
I have noticed emails in my spam box from Adult Friend Finder. I don't check it much, but I've seen a couple over the past year or so. I just figured it was spam, but today I noticed the email had an obvious username in the first line. So, I opened it & it's an email saying "hey here are several "hotties" in your town that want to hook up" and the town was where the OW lives. So, against my better judgement, I LOOK. MY WH & the OW are one of the "hottie" pairs. I printed the page I could see, I would have to buy a membership to actually see the entire profile, but believe me- I saw enough!!
Then, I started thinking....hmmm, I remember an adult site on the screenshots from the keylogger. But, they were from her email, so I didn't think too much about it. I go to it- they have a profile there too. There username is his 3 initials & hers, only her last name is "T" which is ours, not hers. YUCK! That place is nasty! I'm grossed out & freaked out. Now, I'm hating myself for looking.

Tonight I took the girls into town- we are in the south- big festival! LOL I've felt sick all day about the adult dating thing & I started worrying that they might be at the parade. It didn't make any sense because she lives 20 minutes away from here but just one of those nagging things.
Dropped them off, said a prayer & started home. My phone rang & it was a friend asking where I was, what I was doing. I told her I was driving home, she asked if I was close to Whataburger. I said I wasn't & she said well, we just stood in line behind your husband & his girlfriend. He's sitting over there now looking real unhappy & squirming alot. NICE. She asked me to drive over & confront, but I told her I'd gone NC & wasn't even going to address the mess. She went over to speak & ask him how we were doing. He told her just fine, and then said "well, as well as can be expected." GRRRRR
I'm so glad the girls didn't want a burger on the way. But, it's a small town someone has already told them so they just texted to say they called & left a VM on his phone.
He's getting braver. Or maybe he's just never got caught.
I need a plan B letter guys, help me!!

Update-I picked the girls up Friday night & headed home. That jacka** and OW were at the bowling alley. Jeez, it's RIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY! We have to drive by to get home. He was parked right in the front row, the doors were open & they were (of course) on the center lane, all hugged up. I had to grab DD by the arm to keep her from jumping out of the car. She was going in. She texted him & he got SO UPSET. Convinced my friend texted & told them. Demands we block her text, insists that I don't "drag them into this" (This is the man that brought the OW to our home when I caught him there & told him he had to leave back in September. She was going to make sure he got his things & I didn't talk him into staying)
I did my absolute best to not speak or even read his texts, but WOW. That's hard!! He called several times, left VM & then texted to say that I needed to call him ASAP, he had to talk to me.
I texted back & said "no thanks, I have no interest in a conversation, if you want to talk about spending time with the girls, talk to them."

htb, did you send the Plan B letter yet? I would get the locks changed and then send him the Plan B letter.

But don't go into Plan B until you are prepared to go really dark. That means you don't take his phone calls and you don't read his texts. He is dead to you. if you say you are ending contact and continue to take his calls then he will know you are not serious.

Are you ready to try plan B? If so, here is a sample letter. I would include in it that he is not to enter the house when he picks up the girls for their visitation and that the girls not be exposed to his skank.

And bravo to your DD for giving him hell about his OW!

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

I think it will also be important to file for divorce, htb. He does not believe you will do anything to stop him and in the meantime, you have to protect yourself from him legally.

Well, I've already changed the locks. I don't have a Plan B letter yet. Needed input, I'll work on that using the example you gave me. I've been gathering D papers, was just hoping someone would offer ideas as to whether D or SEP was the way to go. I totally agree that anything less than D will be read as "weakness" LOL but, since you all are the experts here, I would go SEP if ya'll felt like that was a better option.

Oh honey, they gave him a new kind of hell. It's so weird that he knows they know, but then he freaks out so bad when they confront him with it. I guess I could spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of what goes through is mind, huh?? LOL
I've already told him he can't come in for dinner or to watch TV, if he wants to see them he needs to go elsewhere. He just won't see them & if confronted says "well, your mom says I'm not welcome there" total BS.

Oh, as for the girls around the skank, she's been pushing for it for months cause she wants them to be "a real family and do things together" but they've made it clear they don't want any part of her & told her so the night she showed up at the house. He admitted once in a fog free moment that he didn't want them around her & used the fact that they were still angry as his excuse.
My sweet little blonde twins have both sworn if she gets close enough they are going to beat the skank right out of her & he knows this. Hopefully, we won't have a JS moment anytime soon. LOL

So, I hold off on going dark until I give him the letter? I was wondering how I was going to manage to convince him to meet me at the courthouse & still maintain no contact. LOL

I've been just doing whatever I can to avoid contact. Today, we realized he had my glove & all the softball in his car. My first instinct was "I'll text & make sure he's there. We'll run over & grab them out of the car" But, I stopped myself & just ran to Wally & bought more. I told the girls spending the money would save us in heartache. LOL

Plan B will be interesting, he demands you answer when he calls or texts. The last time I tried it he had my phone turned off within half hour & by that evening he had taken my car keys. He FLIPPED CLEAN, SMOOTH OUT
Once I get it filed it won't be as difficult because he can't pull of some of that stuff. Right?? LOL

htb, why does he have to meet you at the courthouse? You can file and then have him served. You shouldn't have to wait on that.

Just for the ease of an uncontested D. He is in another county, so I either have to get him to sign & agree or serve him in his county, filing contested(Why does it tick me off so to have to go to his ho's county to file???) We've worked out a really comfortable support/alimony deal & if at all possible uncontested would be a good thing.
We are supposed to meet tomorrow at the bank to sign everything. I'm kind of excited. Is that wrong?? (not about seeing him, about having it all signed & filed)
He's still catching hell from the girls. He was stroking out yesterday, still convinced there was NO WAY ANYONE COULD HAVE SEEN HIM!! I ask him if his adulterer super power was invisibility? I know it's wrong but I couldn't resist & it shut him up.

I've got a Plan B letter together, I'll post in a bit. Supposed to meet today & sign D papers. Although considering the note he left in my mailbox this morning, I'm not sure how that's going to work.
One question (for now!!)
dark Plan B means NO CONTACT. Not reading texts, not listening to VM I know. Is it enough to just avoid him at games? The girls may wind up asking him not to come anyway, they are really riding him hard & laid down some conditions that I know he won't follow. But, I know that until they lay down the law, he'll show for every game.

Can you post the letter and let us give you feedback?

And no, it is not a good idea to go to the games if he is there. The purpose here is for you to completely extract yourself from his arena of hell. Not to mention the fact that many a WS uses these types of events to APPROACH the BS and break Plan B.

Do you have your intermediary in line? I would get everything in place before you hand him the letter. That way you have no reasons to break Plan B.

Dearest WH,

It breaks my heart to write this letter. I never wanted this to happen but it has. I need to tell you that I’m truly sorry for my part in creating a situation that led to your affair with H. I didn’t show you that I valued our relationship and let you down when you needed me the most. Now, we are all suffering for that mistake.

I want us to have that closeness, that spark and the fun that we’ve been missing. I ’m willing to avoid past mistakes and make changes that will build a new life for both of us that meet your needs. I know that we both deserve nothing less and I know that we could repair our marriage if only we had the chance. But none of that can happen until you end your relationship with H once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. You are welcome to talk to or see the girls anytime you all want. Please contact the girls directly about visiting them. I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the girls or any other reason, it will need to be through Amy and I will do the same. She will relay the message.

Turning away from you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, partially I’m sure because I know it didn’t have to be this way. I ask you to please respect my decision & please know- it wasn’t done out of anger or spite. I know that you realize the hurt I have endured because of your relationship with Holly, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. It’s time for me to protect myself & the girls from anymore hurt.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship with H and are willing to follow the steps that we discussed to ensure total separation, I will be willing to talk about our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to have the kind of relationship we both want & need. We need to build a new life where we work together to make both of us happy. If we did that, there would never be a reason for us to be apart. I want to be your best friend again, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I’ve always loved you Jim and I always will. From the day we got married up until this day. I just cannot see you, or be around you when you are with H.

I will miss you and I pray in the end we can find our way back to each other.
Love Always,

BW

Good job!! I would remove the above line, though, because it is telling him he CAN visit your home. He should not be in the house. When he picks up the girls, he can honk in the driveway. This is critical, because a WS will typically test your resolve by barging in the house. This is why you change the locks.

Great letter! Are you prepared for his attempts to get through? At first he might try and negotiate a halfway deal like "I will consider dropping Ho if you will speak to me." UH NO. Talk is cheap, keep that in mind!

OK. Yep, when he was gone before it was almost like he was COMPELLED, DRIVEN to COME IN THE HOUSE!!! LOL Even if it was just to step into the foyer & look around. Whats up with that?? Territory??
I am ready for his attempts. I've checked into getting another phone, just in case we go there again. Not going to the games will be really hard for me & the girls. But, he might lose interest & quit coming. And the season will be over in a few weeks.
As for his attempts to get through- I keep thinking "I really don't think it will be an issue, we don't talk at all." Not like we always have anyways. But then again, he has just about worried the fire out of me the last few days. LOL
Trying to get the last of the D worked through & figuring out exactly what it is he wants out of the house.
Had to let me know that he's wanted a divorce for YEARS!!! At least 15 if not 20!! Was just too scared to say it. Poor man, can you imagine living with someone & continuing to have children with them? Move them across the country over & over again. Buying houses & cars. Taking vacations. How miserable must that have been?
Yes, I figured out talk was cheap a long while back. At least his is! He told me today that I was a liar and he couldn't "believe I had sunk to his level & became a liar" I nearly fell over. I know it's wrong but from that point on, every text he sent I answered with "yes, but aren't you a liar? You said so yourself. Why would I believe you?" I just kept hitting resend. I feel bad about it now. But it really seems to be the only thing that stops him. Just not answering infuriates him. If you answer & don't do what he wants he's furious. But making some ridiculous statement over & over shuts him up. Just like asking him if he was invisible over & over.
Oh my goodness!! Is that some of that reverse babble I've heard so much about??? If so- I LIKE IT.
Leaving him with no one to turn his anger on but OW will be a welcome relief. I know Plan B will be hard, but no harder than this mess.

Today is kind of a sad day. I got married 22 years ago today. Also the day WH says he is available to meet me to sign D papers.
Wednesday didn't work out, he texted for hours demanding odd changes that don't actually benefit anyone. Then, he told me he had wanted a D for years but only realized that day- he was afraid to get one! Not any more though!! Then said "You know what, I think I'm just going to be a single man!! I'm going to move by myself!! I'm sick & tired of dealing with women!" (maybe a little turmoil in fantasy land??)
I said, "well i'm totally confused. You have spent the last 4 hours texting that you were relocating without the ho- now you make a big announcement that you just decided to do that??? Makes no sense!"
He came back with "well, really I had thought that we could move together. Not get divorced just for the sake of staying married & live together as friends."
I was stunned. I told him I thought that's what we had BEEN doing and it kinda sucked for me!!
It scared me a little. Made me think he isn't going to take Plan B as well as I thought he would.
Doesn't matter, gotta be done.