Tinkerbell,

I have to tell you that the things said to you so far have only been hurtful to you because you see yourself in the reflection of what has been said.

One thing you have to realize is that the choices you made...and WILL MAKE going forward...are YOUR choices alone. They are not a reflection of the morals, feelings or spiritual condition of anyone other than yourself. You cannot blame what you have done or continue to do on your husband, the OM, his betrayed wife or even the devil. Just as Adam and Eve had the choice to believe what God said for them to do or to feed their selfishness by believing the lies of the serpent, you had a choice to make that went very wrong and went wrong LONG BEFORE you and OM admitted to any kind of attraction.

If you hope to have ANY expectation of recovering your marriage or of doing the right thing and extracting yourself from the quagmire you have let yourself walk into you have to understand that all the attention right now has to be on you, what you did and your actions going forward and must remain that way for quite a while. You have no control over what anyone else does, only over your own choices and actions. You can only control YOU though you have not done a very good job of that recently.

So all of the advice you are going to get will be what YOU should do. And the first thing you should do is to end the affair completely and stop ALL contact with OM. Until that is accomplished there is little to nothing anyone can advise you to do because only that one action will signal the beginning of the end of the affair and your sincerity as far as wanting to do the right thing is concerned. If you want to make things right again, then begin with doing one right thing and follow that with the next right thing to do.

Any time you remove the focus from yourself and try to make it about what your H did or did not do or what OM did or did not do or anyone else you might try to shift the blame or focus off of yourself onto, folks here will hold a mirror of your choices to your face to show you the reflection of what you have become.

Read Luke 13:1-9...

Mark

You say your a christian. In what tangible way are you showing faith. You believe that there is a God. You go to church. Church does not make a relationship with God any more then a marriage certificate makes a marriage. I have a couple of scriptures for you. First is from Hebrews.

11:6 Now without faith it is impossible to please him, for the one who approaches God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

The next one is from Jeremiah.

29:11 For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the Lord. 19 ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you 20 a future filled with hope. 21 29:12 When you call out to me and come to me in prayer, 22 I will hear your prayers. 23 29:13 When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul, 24 29:14 I will make myself available to you,’ 25 says the Lord. 26 ‘Then I will reverse your plight.

You are holding God in one hand and the OM with the other. God is asking you to let go of the other mans hand. But he won't make you do it. He wants something better for you but you are clinging to that which is holding you back. How can he restore your marriage if you don't trust him by confessing everything to your husband so that he can bring reconciliation. The last verse I have is from Romans

8:28

God causes ALL things to work together for good, for those called by him. Those called according to his purpose.

In closing, I have a question. Regarding your husband only going to church because you go, how exactly has your attendance effected what you're doing now?

thank you for the words. the scripture. i know these things to be true and needed to read, hear them...
i will change things today and start fresh.
i am so ready...just feel so undeserving of God's grace..and feel like I am unforgiveable...to answer the last post...yes this affair on an off for the past 3 years has affected my church attendance..we lost our pastor 4 years ago...he had been with us 10 years and was a friend...he left the ministry after having an affair...that is when I thought..this could NEVER happen to me! what an idiot I was!! We lost a friend and an incredible pastor..He asked for forgiveness and although we were devastated...I found it easier to forgive him than I can myself...

Your Welcome.



Then follow the steps that Dr. Harley laid out in that link.


No one is hateful..... maybe very blunt, but you need blunt right now!


Tinkerbell71, you ARE responsible for your spouse! It IS your responsibility to protect your spouse from the type of damage you have selfishly done by having an affair.

Protection is very serious and YES it ALWAYS was YOUR responsibility. You chose otherwise! No one is being mean to you by saying this, just honest in a way that you have not been use to for a long time.

so true..thank you for the perspective..

Watch this

You are not planning on telling your BH are you?

Without exposure you are going to keep the OM in your little secret black book "just in case".

Do you work with the OM?

How are you going to achieve no contact for life?

yes I have to tell him...
no I do not work with OM- he has been a friend for 10 years
unfortuneatly....prior to any emotional involvm...

That is good. It's not easy but it must be done. And he needs the whole truth right from the start. It can't be trickeled out for weeks or months. He is going to have some painfully direct questions about the adultery. You must answer every one.


Does your husband know him too?

The remarks you have gotten are truly given with your best interests, and the recovery of your marriage, at heart. You have made some very poor choices, which you yourself acknowledge. When others point that out, though, it doesn't feel like affirmation, it feels painful and hurtful.

It is very difficult for you right now, but do try to look past the hurt of the comments and see that they are only hurtful because they reflect your poor behavior, which is embarrassing and painful for you to hear about.

The good news is that you can CHANGE yourself, right this minute. It will be very difficult, but you can confess to your husband and ask his help in ending the affair. Yes, he will be hurt and angry -- but truly the hurtful actions CAN be in the past and until he is aware of them then you haven't the strength to end the affair (otherwise you would have) and your H doesn't have the necessary info to forgive you and work with you to build the marriage you two are capable of.

Every day that you delay telling your husband is another day of lies and secrecy. Another day of stabbing him in the heart. You MUST turn to him with this information. Marriages - the good ones, the REAL ones - require honesty at their core and even if you could do complete NC your marriage would remain crippled because of this festering dark cancer at its center.

".I understand that the emotional connection with OM has been putting a bandaid on my rejection from my spouse of 7 years."

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to learn that when OM is truly out of your life, you'll look back and see that your H didn't reject you nearly as much as you currently feel like he did. Right now your addiction to OM makes your H's transgressions seem huge, and make his good points seem insignificant. Your perspective is skewed, but it will improve.

Tinkerbell,

Are you willing to have NO CONTACT with OM EVER AGAIN for LIFE?

That is step #1.

Step #2: Confess to your husband.
Step #3: Tell OM's wife what has happened.

Until you do these 3, there is little advice anyone can give you because until these 3 things are done you are holding onto memories of OM and denying your husband and OM's wife of information about their own lives that is pertinent to their future happiness. You are also maintaining a wall of secrecy between you and your husband that will always prevent you from having a relationship with your husband that can be what God intended a marriage to be.

Hidden sin is still sin.

Mark

.... today (THIS is the ending you forgot to add to your sentence!)

thank you so much...appreciate that...
yes today is the day...I understand.

Let us know what happens after you tell him, and have him come here for support. He is going to need it.

We can help you both through this but #1 is YOUR HONESTY.

We don't do well with bullsh*t.

What time are you going to tell him? You need a plan. Just saying "I'll do it today" makes it too easy to come up with excuses and chicken out. We're behind you, but we will hold your feet to the fire ...

lunchtime today---between 1 and 3pm
I need to fill my mind with more scripture..I am terrified

Before you do .... has husband ever hit you?

a long time ago and he is not abussive...

Have another adult there with you when you tell him ... like a pastor or a therapist.

He has hit, therefore he has potential for hitting again.