Roo,
Friends were exactly what you needed to enjoy your weekend and get your mind off BS. What will you be doing for yourself? Do you have a hobby? Are you involved with any groups?

GG

My IC has been asking me that, too. I'm a social person by nature but don't do lots of social things, does that make sense? Here's a list of some things I enjoy doing:

Reading
Cooking
Being with friends
Watching movies
Doing yoga

Here are a couple of things in the works:

Biking ( a friend is fixing up Schwinn cruiser for me - we're currently scouting for a gooseneck, holds the handle bars to the frame, that's chrome to match the bike)
A PT job
Just finishing up spring semester in school and am taking the summer off. It was really hard this semester, for obvious reasons. I've already registered for fall semester.
I have registered for a local women's group via Meetup.com - I haven't been to an outing yet but they do things like clothing swaps, exercise nights where they watch movies while spinning (stationary bike)
Volunteering - I live near the headquarters of a cause dear to my heart and they have certain nights a month when people show up and stuff envelopes and that kind of thing. I can stuff paper with the best of them and I'd hopefully make new friends.

Do these things seem good enough? I also rollerblade and have always held myself back if no one was willing to come with me. I have to get over that...

I'm so glad you had a nice birthday, Roo. Hearing about your day with various GFs...

It's interesting because a long-time friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in a few years was with me Saturday night. We were talking about the importance of women friends -- and why is it that women often don't rely on them as much as we should? I haven't been a great nurturer of my female relationships in recent years as things like work and kids have gotten in the way. And also when my M wasn't so good, I was embarrassed by it and didn't want to be in situations where I thought I'd have to put on a show that everything was perfect. Now, I believe that if I would have leaned on my GFs more -- when I mistakenly felt I couldn't lean on my H -- I don't believe I would have fallen for FOM. If I would have gone to my GFs and trusted them with my pain and self-doubts, I think H and I wouldn't be going through all of this now.

But woulda, coulda, shoulda...

I'm happy you had good company with whom to share your special day.

Heed my warning... Get ALL the gear and wear all the gear. I took a not so pretty spill a few weeks ago. One of those where passing adults gasped and came over to see if I was okay. Of course the one piece of gear I wasn't wearing was elbow pads and that's where the brunt of force came down. So gear up and get rolling. Don't hold back!

Roo,

Sounds like you had a nice B-Day. So glad to hear.

You mentioned an experiment that you were doing a few pages back on the thread? What was it and how did it turn out?

Mindshare

Roo,
The activities you are doing for yourself are great for physical/outside self aspect. I would suggest working on your inner self. Start searching self-help books on women. The reason is because of how you started your marriage and why you chose the person you did and made decision like having two-year A in six-yr marriage. If you start to look at yourself and what drives the choices you make you will become more aware. Knowledge will help you on your path to better choices. I read some books but won't recommend them because of your age - I do recommend you explore at your local library or book store and start looking through some books and see what captures your attention. What is your major at school?

GG

GG

My GFs are very, very special to me. We've been thorough alot together and they often let me lean on them. They're great ladies.

[quoteI'm happy you had good company with whom to share your special day.[/quote]


Thanks again, L4.

Heed my warning... Get ALL the gear and wear all the gear. I took a not so pretty spill a few weeks ago. One of those where passing adults gasped and came over to see if I was okay. Of course the one piece of gear I wasn't wearing was elbow pads and that's where the brunt of force came down. So gear up and get rolling. Don't hold back! [/quote]

I can't guarantee I'll gear up but I will be careful. I hope you're ok after your fall! No broken bones, just scuffed elbows, huh?

My experiment was/is to stop calling my H to try to engage him. Having me in his face constantly wasn't getting me anywhere so I'm trying something different.

I'm doing the inner self work with my IC. I had a tiny lightbulb moment last week and she switched me from monthly visits back to every two weeks. I have homework due for her on my next visit. She wants me to think about how I thought my marriage would be before we got married and what it actually was.

My major is criminal justice.

Ugh...was cleaning up some pictures on my laptop tonight and came across our engagement pictures. Wow...we were a gorgeous couple.

I agree with you on backing off BS. He really hasn't done much since Jan with you contacting him - so you back off altogether and see if that makes a difference. It's strange - BS use Plan A on WS. You almost have a reverse Plan A. The WW has NC with the BS. It will be interesting to see how he reacts. Was Friday the last contact with him? Put all your stuff away that will remind you of him (at least for now).

GG

He sent me a text message really early on the 2nd to wish me a Happy Birthday and I haven't heard from him since.

His birthday is later this month...do I stay quiet for that, too? That will be hard...

Just send a simple Happy Birthday text. It really looks like he has moved on, but at least you don't seem to hate each other.

Roo,
Have you decided what you want out of the relationship? If you want to send a clear message that you are not going to wait around, then don't send any message on his birthday. If you want to remain friends, then send a txt like 6 suggested. If you still want to try to save the marriage, then you need to stop being "out of sight out of mind." Do you know what you want?

GG

At this point we don't, no. If (when?) this goes to Plan D, all this "not hating each other" may go out the window. We each came into our M with a certain amount of assets and I don't know how all of that will pan out.

In a perfect world we would be cordial to each other through the D proceedings and then have nothing to do with the other after. We have no children. We have no shared activities.

Right now, today, I'm thinking that I'll send the HB text message. We'll see how I feel when H's BD actually comes around.

I feel like a fraud here. My H and I aren't trying to rebuild or recover our M. There are so many BS *and* WS that are fighting tooth and nail for their relationships. I envy them and wish that H and I had a love worth fighting for.

I understand, Roo.

Think of it this way, though. Maybe "this" love isn't what is right for you. Maybe this marriage isn't right for you and your H. I don't know and I'm not condoning staying or going. I'm just listening to you and what you've been saying over the last few weeks.... Heck, over the last few months. Some M's can't be fought for because the sacrifices suffered will be too great. Your strength and energy might be needed elsewhere.

Well said L4...

Roo,

Some marriages were never worth fighting for even without infidelity. Some try to fix what they have while others move on with their life. It sounds like your relationship is really pretty much over. It might be time to give you both time to heal.

As far as feeling like a fraud here...

The ideas and methods learned here can benefit a marriage whether it is a first or a second or even a third. It fixes what is wrong with the person who learns it so that he/she can fix their own half of a relationship.

Think of it as an investment in a box full of tools. Where you use those tools really doesn't matter, they can be applied to any job. A hammer bought to drive nails through siding can be used to drive nails to hang trim around a window. The tools remain the same no matter where you use them.

I know that isn't what you wanted to hear and I'm sorry for that, but there are no magic bullets, incantations or mystic ceremonies that will bring you back together.

You need to understand that the best thing you can do right now is to get yourself fixed. Whether that ever leads to a recovered marriage doesn't matter, it still needs to take place. You need to learn to nurture, maintain and foster a relationship with a husband if you get another chance with this one or ever have dreams of spending your life as a wife of anyone.

When faced with infidelity from a spouse, some fight like crazy to save the relationship from destruction. Some seek only revenge. Some have no idea what to do and so float along waiting for a sign from above or some such that will make their life "all better." Some are actually relieved by the death of the marriage because they weren't happy in the marriage either. But each betrayed spouse has to decide on his/her own what they will do.

You have no control over what your husband does or does not do at all. You can't make him fight for the marriage any more than you can make him an Irish Setter. All you can fix is yourself.

So fix yourself Roo and make Roo the best Roo she can be. Learn what it takes to sustain a marital relationship from the best source I have found and if you do, you will be a better wife if and when you get the chance.

I also get the feeling that you are contemplating giving up as much because you are lonely and are not getting the affection, attention and other ENs met and really are considering moving on not because the fight is too hard but because you want to get those ENs met. I understand this and everyone has this point if they are getting nothing from a relationship or at least not what they need. There really is nothing wrong with this view of things at this point if that is what is taking place because the damage was done long ago and if the marriage ends now it isn't because of what you have done in the last few months but more likely what happened before you found MB.

The only time this attitude becomes a problem is when you are married and take action to go outside the marriage to get your ENs met instead of ending the marriage or fixing it so it doesn't have to end. That really is what an affair is all about and what defines what an affair really is.

So if you are done and no longer wish to fight for restoration in the face of seeming insurmountable odds, I have no issue with your choice. If you want to keep fighting, I'm willing to help in any way I might be able. Whichever way you go, make it a decision and not allow yourself to fall into another affair to get your ENs met before you end it finally and forever with your husband.

Yogi said... "When you come to the fork in the road, take it..."

If you are at that fork and want to just move on, go that way. If you want to keep fighting to win your husband back then go THAT way. You just can't do both and can always chose the end of the marriage at some other point down the road. There are many exits that lead to divorce. You just can't go back and forth between the exit and the highway to recovery in a never ending cycle. Once you take the exit, you are no longer going there and are now going to another place all together.

So be sure you want off the highway before you take the exit. If you want off, then it doesn't ever really get easier.

Mark

I don't think fraud is an accurate word. You have tried but your BS hasn't shown any interest/responding to working on M or R since Jan. A two-year A in a six-year marriage is a huge betrayal. It is possible that your BS has chosen to move on. Did he respond to your txting him on Bday?

GG