Well much needed update, last time I posted he had been served with d papers and was upset that I got a lawyer, we talked I told him I would withdrawl the petition I didn't want a divorce I was just hurt and angry, basically gave him a plan b letter after that and he went along with it, no contact at all for 4-6 weeks.
This week I got a letter from my attorney that he got one and wants to go orward with the divorce, my fault I know.
His attorny wanted to put support hearing off untol June so he can look at everything, but made an offer far less than mine said for temporary support, I won't survive on it so I called wh and asked him what was up.
He promised to take care of us financially and he said your fault, you didn't trust me to pay and got a lawyer so now I got one and you only get what they say.
WE talked for a couple of minutes and he agreed to pay the morgage amount for now, but doesn't want me to touch his retirement or 401k acounts in the future.
So I guess we will have to go to court on all those issues, but I really don't want to fight him, I am going to have to, but I had hoped he would realize what he is giving up, not just the money part, but his home and family and most of all me.
I know I pushed him away with this, but I wanted him to see what his future would be like without us, and he likes it I guess.
I text him the other day about our son and a problem he has and he said can't talk now I am out to lunch with someone.
WEll he has been gone now for 3 1/2 months and has not even seen me or his kids.
I read all the stories on this site and it is strasnge that he is so sure that he doesn't love me our our life that he won't even entertain the idea of looking back.
I really believed we had true love and he was going through something and had prayed he would wake up and realize what he is throwing awy, but alas I will not be one of the lucky ones who gets that second chance at happiness with the one they love.
I think at this point it is too late for him to see it and he has made up his mind that I am not for him.
So I guess I will go ahead with my life and try to find a happy place, but I no longer believe in true love or happiness and I think he took my one chance for true love and waited so long to admit he wasn't happy that I will never get my fairytale.

nail his butt in court
get a pit bull divorce attorney

and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

link

At this point the route has been chosen for you.....I agree with pepper...it's time to document everything....if you can monitor his spending (observe and document do not discuss it with him)....also in the state of california you have the right to half his 401k and retirement.

Also with the length of your marriage you are also entitled to not only child support but to alimony as well.

You got a lot to do lady..from now on only talk through your lawyer......he's sounding vindictive....he may try to use any convos you have with him against you.

He hasn't seen his child/ren in 3.5 months???

What a scumbag, I agree...nail him in court. Get a shark for an attorney otherwise he is going to try to screw you over, that much is very obvious.

I think there are a lot of us who no longer believe in "true love" but now believe love is what you put into it. You do not need anyone to make you happy as happiness comes from within. There are billions of people in the world, and I am sure you can find someone that YOU will be happy with!

You did NOT push him away!

He did that all by his little lonesome!

Stop beating yourself up for choosing a selfish POS. Focus on the part of your family that matters.

He may come back some day, when he sees he can't manipulate/guilt you into taking what he wants to give you. If he does, I hope you will do it from a position of power.

And this is NOT your fault! What a classic dawg. You're better off on your own for now, ok?

Do not give up, it is still early. I am the BS(although I did have an RA) and I'm in the process of heading back to fWxW. I realized after being w/ quite a few OW, those relationships mean nothing. He'll probably miss his kids, then his life, then you. Go along w/ the D for now and use your attorney. It may go to D. It is merely a paper document. Just protect your rights in case he never comes back. I would not give up hope this soon.

I know you did not want a D but then you filed. It gave him opportunity.
How many times have you talked, e-mailed, texted him in that 3.5 months? Truly?
Now you need to stop talking to him and let your atty do the work. He does not decide what you will get...the court will including his 401K and child support and everything.
Go dark, go very dark and as others have said -- document document document

Don't blame yourself. As Pepperband said, have your lawyer nail him.

Take off the gloves, browneyes, and get a meanmeanmean lawyer. You are entitled to your share of the 401K, as you have been his partner for so very long.

He is following the typical wayward mind set. They are all so entitled that they feel they can get off with no consequences. He manipulated you to back off so he could stick it to you. So no more nice, okay?

I think the only way your WS MIGHT see the light is if you show some tough love. Time for HIM to find out what his life will look like without half of his retirement and support to you until you can get on your feet.

Go back to college. Get in the dislocated homemaker program at your local worksource and start planning for the rest of your beautiful life. This is a great time to go to college, and your WS can help in that regard, because YOU have supported him and the children by being there and getting things done for everyone. Now is the time to start thinking of what you want, (besides what you cannot have) you can only change YOU, you cannot change your WS.

Yeah, you freaked out, but a lot of people do.

Pick yourself up and fight for all that you contributed and gave to your marriage and family all these years.

And be the best mom you can be. You deserve better. You are WORTHY!

Use MB to learn how to have good relationships and to recover YOURSELF.

(no I'm not yelling, I'm emphasizing!)

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I hear all of you and thank you all so much for your replies.
I have a lawyer who says I am intitled to 1/2 his retirement and 401ks and support for life.
His lawyer is playing the game to make it less, but mine won't back down.
I was hoping we could come to an agreement so we didn't have to pay a ton in legal fee's, but he wants a fight I am there to stand up for me and my 3 boys. My lawyer also says if he wants a fight he will have to pay my legal fee's.
I have a good job, a great family and good friends, he has never been close to his family and can't rub 2 friends together if he tried, but he is having fun I think.
He knows he will never have alot of money again, but he says it is worth it.

browneyes, my heart goes out to you!! I can relate to so much of what you are going through and I know it is so hard to think about how to be firm about legal issues, when you are still so sad about the loss of your husband, lover and friend.

Take the advice of those who have gone before and take the best care you can of yourself each day. I have faith that it will get better for all of us in this situation, but I know it hurts so much!

BF439

UPDATE
Friday ws was supposed to finally go see my son play baseball and take some pictures for him,but it ended up raining all day adn got cancelled.
I came home from work all 3 kids were home and I started to bake them cookies, when my cell rang and wh said he was down the street and was coming over.
2 kids left the room and one faked sleep and I was looking really good so I answered the door and let him in ( I didn't know what else to do as I hacwn't seen him in over 3 months)
He told me I look great, I said thanks and continued to bake my famous cchip cookies and basically ignored him and he tried to talk to the boys.
Then he asked me if I would like to go out and eat with him, I must say my heart was pounding, but I said okay, but I want a steak and a margarita, he said sounds good.
WE took off and tried one of our favorite places, but it was closed so we went to outback.
WE ordered and he asked me what he should do about the boys.
I told him they are hurt and angry and he needs to show them love everyday, not once a month.
The liquar started getting to me a little as I don't eat much and I looked him in his eyes and said " Look at me, you can look your whole life and never find someone like me" He said I know that.
Awhile later he said listen and on the radio was one of our favorite groups playing one of our favorite songs and he said thats wierd they never play them anywhere. I said It's a sign from God, he agreed, but said he didn't take me out to talk about us, just the boys.
He took me home and kissed my cheek.
Oh well don't know what to think.

What Plan are you in?

If I were you I'd be wondering about his motives, especially since your attorney has revealed what a nice settlement you will get.

Proceed with caution. Red Alert! Red Alert! Shields up!

Charlotte

Yep.

HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. HE CARES ABOUT HIMSELF. THE WHOLE THING WAS ABOUT MAKING HIM HAPPY.

Your not there to be his Psychiatrist or couselor to help him with the boys.....He is such a BIG BOY that he made his own decisions regardless of how anyone else felt. Now he had to deal with them on his own. He can put his Big Boy pant on and deal himself.

Stop giving him his fix BE. He's just going to use you to get what he wants from you.

WEll once again I guess I was wrong I thought maybe he was starting to see his way home.
He has agreed to pay more than the law says he has too, and has already signed the house over to me.
Iwas thrilled that for the first time since this started we were able to be together and talk without all the ugly things getting in the way and also it was the first time he has seen me in a very long time.

Yesterday wh called my youngest son and asked him to have dinner, first time in almost 4 months. He agreed.
Knock at the door a half hour before my son gets home from baseball so I assumed it was my sister and there he was again.
He came in sat down and was so nice while waiting for my son and then they left to go to dinner.
I was strong and acted happy, but fell apart alittle when they left, so I weeded my garden for awhil.
Mt other 2 boys wanted to play Yatzee so we did and in came son and wh, he said gotta go see you later and left.
My kids waited 10 minutes and pulled me out back to show me the new barbaque he bought me for mothers day.
I am really trying not to put to much into this, but it was a dream bbq costing over $800, why would he buy this for me?

I personally would tell him to take it back. If he doesn't, sell it on Craigslist and then send him the proceeds. Are you supposed to be in Plan B?