I finally “GET IT”…The problem since DDAY has always been thinking why would someone(WS) trash their lives and every else’s around them? Knowing while its going on the A really means nothing compared to their life, marriage, reputation, etc. I’m such a logical/analytical person, I could never understand this and it hindered my recovery to some extent. Then it hit me!!(Epiphany)

I would currently like to fix my broken M. I’ve spoken to FWxW about it, but she is intensely working on fixing herself which she claims has to be done before we could ever work on the M. So, I know that working on my M is the RIGHT thing to do, spending time w/ her, being a good H. It’s what I’d like to do, but its not possible as the other party is not willing or able. In the meantime, I receive calls or texts from “friends” wanting to go out. I realized that I find myself so tempted to go hang out w/ these people, even though I know its not the RIGHT thing to do, but because they are pursuing, while the other M partner is off(working, finding themselves, hobbies, whatever is occupying their time), then I’m inclined to engage in that “other” relationship. Especially, when I tell the “friend”, “well, I really want to work on my M. I’m just waiting on my S to get on board”. Then they say, “That could take years, they may never come around, move on, lets go hang!!” and so I do. I think its similar to the rationale of a WS. They want to do the right thing, but they are being pursued, while the M partner is sidelined by whatever distraction exists at the time.(working, hobbies, friends, family, sports) This is relevant to the repentant and the non. If, one of these “friends” starts filling my ENs to the point I no longer want to work on my M, then I really have moved on in a way, maybe completely. Just like some of the WS that “run off” w/ the OP. They allowed someone else to fill a void that eventually displaced their S. I can see the dilemma that a WS faces. They know deep down what is right, but the temptation can be extreme, even though the destruction so large. In my case, I am probably destroying the future M(family) I see with FWxW. It’s the same thing, only prospectively. I can be patient, wait for the XS to end whatever the destraction is at the time, or allow someone else to move in. That is the "choice". Is this plausible? Does it make sense? It really seemed to make me understand the WS “thing” better, at least for my situation.

DUDE

Dude,

First off - you do not have a marriage to work on. You divorced your wife. She is now your ex-wife.

Second, you need to make a decision and stick with it. It doesn't sound like you are willing to put in the effort to win your ex-wife back. If you move on simply because she wants time to get her stuff together you will likely run away anytime the going gets tough in the future.

Hey Dude, my concern for you right now is that you seem to be needing more from other people than you probably should. You are wanting your XWW back, and/or wanting to fill the void with other people. That's the problem - that empty void. It's understandable - I think all of us BS's feel like this for a long time after D-day. I'm not sure if it goes away right away for newly recovering marriages or not, but those of us on the D path, it's an all consuming black hole.

I also found myself analyzing and over-analyzing wayward behavior. Trying to figure out the logic in it helped me feel like I was making sense of the whole disaster. Unfortunately, there really is no logic in the wayward mind. Again, maybe those with "F"WS's get through this. My XWH is still an active wayward (well, in the sense that he's still living with the OW that he left me for). He still spews out garbage, though I don't see him often to listen to it.

In any event, you want to get past the feeling where you are making a choice between waiting for the X or allowing someone else in. You need to reach the point where you can feel whole on your own. This is where you don't ever "allow" someone else in, but rather, you "invite" them in and even if they decline the invitation you are ok with it.

And whether that person is your X or someone else, I don't think it makes a difference. As a BS, you need to heal, with or without your M. If you read some of the recovery threads, many BS's still have a hard time well into recovery, even though the FWS is fully on board and doing everything they can. Even then, the BS needs to heal before the M can recover.

Are you sure your XWW is really interested in reconciling. It seems to me that the concepts of working on oneself and the marriage are not mutually exclusive.
With a history of cheating, can you trust that she is not just putting you on hold while she explores other options? The, you have a repeat of what went on during the affair. You put your life on hold and she shops for options.
If you want to wait, I'd put some cap on the time you wait so as not to waste additonal years of your life. She may never want to do the required work.

Dude,

I've posted this to you before, but you REALLY need to learn how to END a relationship and keep it ENDED. By your own admission, you have never been able to do this ... for some twisted reason ... you feel a need to keep a connection with failed relationships.

Are you suggesting that I try desperately to keep it all business w/ FWxW and not do anything reconiciliation wise. At least to PROVE to myself I can let relationships go?

Dude,

MyRev is right, I mean really really right. You have not ended the relationship with exW and you have not ended the relationship with "friend". You really cannot have a relationship with either while having a relationship with the other. This is called "fence sitting" and you like any good WS are mastering it. Not a really good thing to be good at in my opinion and clearly not in MyRev's.


It is time you did what my old football coach told me to do. "DamNNNN boy, don't just stand there, do something wrong right once in your life." Which means make a decision and do something even if it does not turn out like you want and/or expect.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

On top of that, I'm pretty sure I recall Dude telling of how he has remained freindly with all of his exGF's he had prior to the M, which probably didn't help the state of the M pre-A.

Personally, this is a hot button issue for me, as I've always felt that once you end a romantic relationship ... ITS DONE, and if it was a M, that includes any continuing contact with all of the ex-in laws also.

IMHO, you give a relationship ALL of your energy while in it, and then you move on clean when its over, so you are able to give ALL of your energy to the next relationship. No one deserves to have to share their spouse (significant other) with past lovers or their families.

So, YES, Dude ... I think you should give WxW (and all your EX's for that matter), and her family, ALL the space in the world, and move on with your life to a new CLEAN relationship without dragging all of these skeletons with you.

I don't often agree with what you write but I do agree with the above. I think anybody likes being pursued. Its an ego boost and feels good. Especially if you are not getting in your current M. I would be lying if I said having some 20 year-old hot secretary hit on me at work would do nothing for me. However that's where boundaries come in and deciding if its worth risking your M and family over for a little bit of strange.

Dude,

There is another phrase that describes what MyRev is telling you. The phrase or term is "baggage". When it is mentioned that people bring "baggage" into a new relationship, it is usually exactly what MyRev is talking about, the inability to fully commit to the relationship. It is why so many second marriages fail, people bring the "baggage" from the previous marriage or even earlier relationships into the marriage and the new partner has to deal with lack of focus, lack of real commitment, and being viewed as the "same" as the previous people in your life.

You need to drop the "baggage"...all of it.

God Bless,

JL

Dude,
Okay - let's see if I get this. You now understand how temptation can run your life because you have been in those shoes the last few months with all the "friends" you've been with. Now you understand what the lure is for WSs? You have now decided that you no longer want to be lured. You feel guilty that you didn't handle it better with your fxWW and now you have grown up and want to deal with the relationship that maybe you didn't want to deal with - hence the divorce. Am I on track? If I am then you need to let your fxww continue to work on herself as she has told you. Ask her out on a date and start to really get to know her. Just as she is evolving as a person, so are you. You both will need to start at the beginning with dating and see where it goes from there. But ask yourself what is the real motivation here for you to want a relationship again with your fxww?


GG

Dude,

I am sorry, but i really don't see where you are going with this. She said she doesn't want to commit to being with you now. That's that for now.

After all she did to you, and your responses, don't you think it's time to just take a break from all this...stuff????

SWW

I would have to ask Dude,

What is new about YOU?

I mean, what would you offer your ex-wife that would be new about you - and what would you be able to say that would be completely different about a renewed relationship with her?

Here's why I ask:

1. She says she is working on herself. That tells me (and you) that she is not prepared to enter a relationship at this point with you - or anyone - and should be a red flag to ANYBODY who talks "relationship" with her. If a woman (any woman) tells you this, you should be going in the opposite direction. Yet, you insist on pursuing her. You need to explore this about yourself before going further with this - and find out why you are attempting to enter a relationship with (any) a woman in this emotional situation or this stage in her life.

2. You are admitting that you do have feelings for another woman. You have not yet squared away your own situation with regard to the infidelity and your own abilities to handle intrusions and pressures from others into what you say you want to be a monogomous relationship. IF this ex-wife is a woman you truly want to pursue, and IF this relationship is to be absolutely the singlemost important priority relationship in your life - OTHER WOMEN HAVE NO PLACE OR INTRUSION WHATSOEVER. There is no place for them, and when they approach you for friendship, time with you, or even a game of foosball, the answer is - "I am in a relationship and must respect that. Thanks anyway." You simply are NOT there, Dude. You are

a cake-eater

and your situation is that you are a divorced man who is looking back with pain and feeling as though there were missed opportunities and missed chances. And you see how you handled things badly here and there. And you are feeling that pain - and you cannot go back and change anything now.


What you CAN do - is fix yourself now.

3. You have seen the light - you do see how waywards think. Why? You are thinking like one, in a way. So you do understand, but you're single, and at this point you have some things to sort out.

Because you are single, the work you have to do is to focus on those things you did do wrong in your marriage. Outline them, in writing. List them clearly, and commit them to memory. Talk about them with your friends, and do this openly and honestly. Because this way you will come to OWN them - and be much less likely to repeat them.

And you need to look at your behavior right now - because you need to figure out how much it mimicks a wayward. If you can see it, you can gain lots of ground in making yourself a much better man in the future. Your idea of going back in time, perhaps to fix what you did wrong, isn't possible. But you can learn from your mistakes and commit yourself to never making the same mistakes again.

That's the hardest part = because we tend to carry the problems of the first relationship into the second, the second into the third, and so on. Look carefully at the problems, and YOUR contributions to them. Because you will NOT carry forward what your ex-wife did. You WILL carry forward YOUR OWN STUFF.

That, in a nutshell, is BAGGAGE, DUDE.

Don't carry it.


SB

SB,
Awareness is the first step towards improvement. Excellent Point!

GG

VERY good thoughts schoolbus..DUDE