What are some things that work for other couples out there to do when there are moments of struggle during the week? When BH has triggers, I am trying to make sure that I am there for him and ask about what he is thinking about and if I can do anything for him or if he wants to talk it out. What other advice for triggers do you have? Also, when the discussions get "heated" what are some good things to do to bring down the temperature. I will be the first to admit that until recently I have not been empathetic. I can honestly say that I don't think that I have been empathetic a day in my life before this and I am truly trying to learn how to be. I am also really trying to see things from his perspective and not mine all the time and I have really tried to set aside the "need to be right" all the time, but that is a slow process.

One thing that our Pastor has suggested is that we both try to recognize that things are heating up and that we take a break from it and come back to it. Many of the books that we have read suggest the same thing but I think both myself and my BH think that we are walking away from each other when we do this and that makes us even more mad. Any suggestions.

I truly think that we are on our way to recovery. We have our feet in the door. I am so excited about that. But, I still need help and advice on how to comfort and support my BH. I love him, I do. More then anything and I want to make sure I am showing him in the best ways possible that I do.

Then tell him the whole truth. Include emotional affairs, where you didn't sleep with the guy. Also where you only kissed the guys and don't really "count" them as affairs. Also, tell him about the guys you have met and talked to and made out with but didn't really have full-on sex with, but considered having sex with.

Tell him everything. He needs to know about all of the things you have been doing, because in order for the marriage to be solid, he has to know the truth. If you do not give a full confession, you will be back to square one within two years, if not divorced.

Your husband must know the truth of his life. He CAN handle it, if you have the courage to finally admit everything.

And no, I do not for one single moment believe you have told him everything. I have an instinct about these things, and somehow sense that there is a hold-out position with you. GP deserves to know everything, and if I were him, I would not live with you until I knew the other thing.

I'm with GP on the polygraph requirement.

SB

Lindz,

Want a short cut to all of this? Print out the Personal History Questionnaire and fill it out truthfully.

How to be empathetic? Give the poor husband a nice clean divorce. Why continue to use the man while you mess around with others? That is pretty cruel.

I totally agree. You, like Coho and Muted Sparkle have this cute, light inquisitive nature about you on this board. To me it sounds almost valley girl, "Like, I know he is, like, totally hurting and all, and I so, like, want to help with that, ya know? I mean like, how do i deal with it, ya know?"

This guy is destroyed!

You did it!

I have no confidence whatsoever that you have the fortitude to stick this out and do what is really involved to change yourself and your life and attitudes. I hope for the sake of your husband I am wrong, because I don't think he can take another hearthache.

Good luck Goldpig, guard your heart.

I did fill this out already, honestly, I might add, and we have gone through it.

I am sorry that you feel that I am a "valley girl" and have a light attitude towards what I have done and to this site. I do not have a light attitude what-so-ever. And, I guess I understand where you all come from with judging me but please do not compare me to other WS on this site. I am me, not them. I am asking for your help and advice on how to help my BH and I don't think that suggesting Plan D is helpful advice. I am not trying to be defensive at all but I am still writing on this site, not because I am trying to use all of you or trick you, but because you have been there and can give advice to what works. Plan D is not good advice for what I asked help for.

I understand that I destroyed my BH. I KNOW that. I take complete responsibility for my actions and what I did. It is not my BH fault. I know my BH can't take another heartache. He won't have to. I have confidence in myself. That is one thing that I never have had and when you talk about changing oneself that is something I have had to work on. I know what I have done and I know that I destroyed my BH and my marriage but I am asking all of you for advice, constructive advice.

I just want to set the record straight that I have not had any contact with any OM since 4-21-08. Please don't imply that I am continuing to mess around on my husband and use him because I am not. I continue to come to this site for advice because everyone here has been through this one way or the other and so please, I really want advice.

Within the last 3 weeks, yes 3 weeks, you have had an amazing transformation:

The last month has been awful. All self inflicted. I have created new heartache for my goldpig22. We have now had so many d-days that I have lost count. I can't say d-day #4 like on my signature line but it should say... "I have decided to murder my husband daily with lies and deceit and only I know how fix things". What a load of crap that is. As of today, you no longer believe anything that comes out of my mouth. Understandable. I do not deserve to be trusted.

OK.

What adds to this mess is that I have chosen not only to be dishonest about the PA that started 2-8-08 but also about the EA/PA that started with a completely different man towards the end of march 2008. It has become apparent to me in the last 2 days that I have not had boundaries for at least 18 months because this man and I became friends and began that friendship by talking about the problems in each others marriages. Sick, he was a married man.

Yes sick.

Why should he give me a 7th chance... I have no answer for that. All I can say is that I am human and have made multiple mistakes and I am hoping to be forgiven someday for them.

Why indeed? I see you are hoping to be forgiven.

What I can say is that I am human and humans make mistakes. No one is perfect.

Ah, here we go. No one is PERFECT, right?

However, I do not only care about myself. I care for so many people that I actually have a hard time prioritizing who I should be giving my #1 importance to. I understand, that person should be my spouse. But, I do have a very serious question... should I be making sure myself is healing and whole before I try to save this marriage or do I throw everything into my marriage and worry about the repair of me later?

I see how much you care.

I scheduled an amnio so we could get the paternity results before baby gets here. We had that done yesterday. It was very scary but GP was there with me and we were supporting each other through it. I let him decide on if he wanted to do it after the baby got here or if he wanted me to have the amnio. We decided to go ahead with the amnio and as I reflect on it, I am very glad that we did because when OUR child is born I want him to look at her and know that she is his and not hold back any love for her.

How noble of you to let him make the decision to have a risky procedure like that happen to ease your conscience.

admit that I have not been good at doing that. I really have started to work on it though in the last few weeks. I am trying so hard to consider my BH in my daily activities, thoughts, conversations, etc... Until the 2nd A was revealed I had been selfish and was only going about this half-a-- but it is amazing what you yourself can do and change when you allow yourself to give up the selfishness for the other person.

Wow, amazing things happen when you think of someone other than yourself.

God and our Pastor have helped us so much and I am renewed with strength every day for my marriage. I love my H more then anything and I am working diligently on changing behaviors that lead to me having multiple A's.

Uh Huh.

I just wanted everyone to know that we got our paternity tests back and as I have been saying since the beginning... My H and I will be parents hopefully in about a week (or less!). My A's ended on 4-21-08 as I said they did and they did not continue one day past that.

See! I told y’all that that was the last time I slept with other people. One gold star please.

What are some things that work for other couples out there to do when there are moments of struggle during the week? When BH has triggers, I am trying to make sure that I am there for him and ask about what he is thinking about and if I can do anything for him or if he wants to talk it out. What other advice for triggers do you have? Also, when the discussions get "heated" what are some good things to do to bring down the temperature. I truly think that we are on our way to recovery. We have our feet in the door. I am so excited about that. But, I still need help and advice on how to comfort and support my BH. I love him, I do. More then anything and I want to make sure I am showing him in the best ways possible that I do.

Now that we are all friends and cozy-like, tell me some secrets to make him happy "girlfriends…"

I am sorry that you feel that I am a "valley girl" and have a light attitude towards what I have done and to this site. I do not have a light attitude what-so-ever. And, I guess I understand where you all come from with judging me but please do not compare me to other WS on this site. I am me, not them.

I am so misunderstood, please feel sorry for me after this abuse, don’t judge me.

Sorry, Lindz. I hope you are sincere, I really do, but my bullcrap meter is redlining. I hope you are being real, but this is 3 weeks since d-day what, 7 or something?

I am sorry if you think I am too blunt.

Just like MutedSparkle and Coho the real reason you write on this site is because your BH's read here. It is the perfect place for you to continue to lie and manipulate them.

It's sickening.

Three peas in a pod. Every single one of you called out on lies, every one of you denying the lies over your childrens lives and every one of you caught lying again and again.

Manipulation as only Satan could accomplish!

Like I said, please don't compare me to them. I am me, not them. I have read many of their threads and yes, I understand that many WS are similar but please don't compare WS. Each of us is our own person. I continue to come to this site because all of you have been through this... I don't use this site to manipulate or lie to my husband. I actually want sound and good advice. I will keep trying. You can 2x4 me all you want. I deserve it but I keep coming here because I need to learn how to help my BH when he is struggling. I know that the #1 way to do that is to be radically honest, and you make fun of the fact that it has been only 3 weeks but for someone who hasn't been honest in over a year, 14 months to be exact, that is progress. Not enough I understand but it is progress.

sickwithworry ~

I did not have the amnio to "ease my conscience". I knew what the results would be. AND, my M.D. said that if it would have put me into labor as far along as I am the baby was healthy enough. I went off of the medical advice of my doctor as to what was best. I did the amnio because I want my husband to look at his daughter and KNOW 100% that she is his and so he could connect with her immediately instead of internally waiting till the test results come back. It took over a week for those results to come back and I am sorry but I didn't want him not connecting with her for that long. I posted what the results were to the paternity because for months many of you accused me of continuing my A's and that you were sure that the baby was not my BH's. That is the only reason I updated you. It had nothing to do with "easing my conscience".

AND,I am not looking for "secrets". I am looking for advice. That is why people come here. I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I did this. I am looking for advice to try and learn the best ways to save my marriage and ease the pain for my BH. I don't think you are too blunt but I truly do want advice and help.

lindz,

I have not posted to you before, and I don't post often, and the reason being is for the way people are treated around here.
I am a BS, and I can tell you I don't hold any grudge or desire to take my anger out on someone like you.
You made alot of mistakes and we all know that, but now you are trying to make those up and move onwards with your relationship.
You have alot of courage to come and post here and I applaud you for sticking with it!
I congradulate both you and your H on the baby that is coming, and I am happy for you both that it has worked out the way you hope.
Keep on being open and honest with you husband, don't hide or omit anything from him, and once the baby arrives remember to try and set aside alittle time to be with each other, because it will be easy to forget to do once you have the baby there.
Ultimately all that is important is that your H starts to believe and trust in you! It doesn't matter what the people feel or think, you only have to be accountable to your husband and your soon to be child.

All the very best to you!!

Of course you're not like them.....you're sooo speshul!

You all 3 have knowingly put your husbands through hell.
You all 3 have knowingly manipulated the people at MB who tried to help you.
You all 3 have knowingly used MB to further manipulate your husbands.
You all 3 have knowingly lied to maintain that manipulation.
You all 3 have knowingly sworn you were being 'completely transparent'
At least 2 of you have admitted continued sex w/OM. Care to make it 3?

Yeah, you're different.

Take the polygraph. Enough bullchit excuses about being pregnant.

Lindz, does Goldpig want you to do a polygraph? If he does, then there is no reason on earth that you should not give him this. If your baby is due in a week? month? I say get it done sooner rather than later when your hormones are REALLY going to be out of whack.

Hi, Lindz.

Not sure if you remember me. I posted to you when you first came here in January when I begged you, based on my own experience, to tell the whole truth and nothing but ALL of the truth. I hope you have indeed now done this as you claim.

I've held back since you've returned because I feel my recent FWW experience has been used against me by some recent WWs. I’m a sucker all right, but I'm posting now because you’re right in that you are not Coho or MS or any other WW. So if you're serious about trying to learn why you cheated, why you lied about it for so long, what you can do to prevent it from ever happening again, and if you're serious about truly wanting to help GP heal, then I'll offer you words from my experience. I’ll do so by trusting you to be true to your words here – that you are completely committed to GP and your M.

Please do not prove me wrong.

First, I have to add this disclaimer that I am not a vet and I am not an expert. My words come from my experiences as a FWW which are still very fresh. My H and I are not recovered and my H is not healed. But I’m determined to try to change these things.

Some have posted to you in ways that you may interpret as mean-spirited, bitter, and self-righteous. And there are some people whom I believe can't post a seemingly constructive thought no matter what the topic is. But those folks are the rare exceptions. The majority who post do so because they want you to clearly see the damage you have done to your H, your M, and yourself. Their intensions are to make sure you have no tinted glasses on, no fog before you, no fuzzy past memories, and no excuses for your actions. And this is fair. You are not here to be coddled and stroked. If your words are true, then you are here to learn, to help GP, and to help your horrifically damaged relationship.

You will see there are a very few who post to WSs seemingly for the sole purpose of taking you as low as possible. There are many who post to help you understand the pain GP may be going through as they tell of their experiences to help you see, feel, and comprehend as best as you can (and you and I will never fully understand) how deep and how long-lasting the hurt of a BS is. And finally there are those who post constructive criticism and solid advice to help GP heal and perhaps recover your M.

You'll see the differences in the agendas of the posts rather quickly.

Remember this though, Lindz... Just because many want GP to heal and want your R to succeed if that’s what you both want, it doesn't mean they'll handle you with Kidd gloves. They'll give it to you hard so you can see it for what it is. This isn't LaLa Land, the place of kicks and giggles, hats and horns. This is a place of work where the consequences for your words and actions are real. And because it’s reality, the rewards are real too IF you’re willing to work diligently, honestly, and humbly.

So much for all of that…

If you’re still with me here and you truthfully want to work at this, I have something for you.

I was fortunate to meet with Steve Harley a few months after I revealed my lies to my H. I talked about it on my thread in Recovery, and am copying parts of it here from 1/29 and 1/30, in hopes that it can help you:

==================

…He gave me solid things to think about regarding how to help H heal with the four steps to healing: why, what, validation, and plan…

Many hit-home moments during the call. One I'll share now is that he said a marriage should have no boundaries. The ideal should be a relationship where we don't need to put up boundaries and where we trust the other to not push where we feel a boundary is necessary. I think this is so cool. I lacked boundaries for so long that it was insightful to hear a year ago that I need boundaries to stop how I've been treated, and also how to hold them. Now to hear it could be possible (should be possible) to not need them with my spouse? Wouldn't that rock?

4 steps to healing a BS:

Why - Why did this happen? Why did I not protect my weaknesses -- my weaknesses being my emotional needs? When my ENs weren't being fulfilled by my H, why did I not protect myself and allow another man in to otherwise satisfy these? Having unmet needs, neglect, abuse, are not the answers to this, by the way. These excuses are not the "why". One can suffer these injustices and still not have an affair. I have to look at why I failed to prevent the OM from satisfying my ENs. Why did I allow him to fulfill my ENs? My ENs are my vulnerabilities to connectedness. Why did I make my ENs vulnerable to the OM thus allowing myself to connect with OM in ways that should be reserved for my spouse? I have to understand my ways of connectedness and why I didn't safeguard them. The WS needs to dig and learn this.

What - What happened? Mark1952 actually addressed this very thoroughly earlier in my thread here and put it much better than I ever could so I encourage you to read that. (When I'm logged in, it's on page 15, dated 12/19/08.) I have to know what sequences of events, what environments, and/or what factors were involved that put me in the position where I was forced to either protect my weaknesses or make them vulnerable.

Validation - My H needs to get to the point where he believes that I understand how my thoughtless actions affected my BH. Not validating my hurt. But that my BH's feelings -- whatever they may be -- are validated by me and that BH believes this.

Plan - This is where the extraordinary precautions come in that you've surely read about on MB. What is my plan to ensure that this never happens again. What will I avoid, do, say, practice, share, etc. to protect myself and my weaknesses going forward?

Once H and I have gotten through the healing from this tragic infliction as best we can, THEN we can work on our marriage. You can't run the race until you heal the gaping leg wound. Heal the wound first -- clean it out (painful), apply the appropriate medicine and therapy, let it scar over (as it will never disappear), then run the race. If you don't properly clean the wound, infection will happen and will most certainly make things worse down the road.

As much as I want to get back to the race (our marriage), I have to do everything I can to heal my H's wound first.

==============

I know your baby is due in a week or so, Lindz, and while I am worried about GP, I am also worried about that child you’re carrying. Please take care of yourself. You've talked about taking a poly after the birth and how you're looking forward to proving you can be trusted again. I'm sure GP is looking forward to that too. But I would think that he also wants his baby girl and his W to make it through this delivery without any concerns or complications.

Good luck to you.

-Looking4

Lindz,

You wrote,

I did fill this out already, honestly, I might add, and we have gone through it.

Good if you are being completely truthful with the personal history you should not have a problem with the lie detector, if not it is just another lie. I thought I could game the test, but the operator knew almost immediately.

I think you asked about about types of questions, some need to be catch all broad questions, like "is there anything else you have witheld from your husband he would object to or might object to you but have not told him" If the questions have a narrow range GP might suspect you are evading again.

Good Luck
NJ

All that from Looking4 says seems so elegant.

Elegant is how people fall into affairs. They romanticize, they feel special, they manage to make every little thing about 'feelings'.

Lindz your husband doesn't need elegant today, he needs the damn truth.

Real people wake up with morning breath, pass gas, leave the seat up, forget birthdays, forget to take out the dog and the like.

We are real people. Treat your husband like a real person and don't lie.

You know I've been calling you on lies for months. Are you done?

If so, poly up! Stop with the crap that GP doesn't 'want' you to or 'I'm pregnant'. You sound like MutedSparkle.

You've cheated on this guy months into you marriage, you won't fool him forever!

I know that I could not fool him or lie to him forever. That is why I completely came clean with him. I plan on taking the poly. I was not the one who decided that I was not a candidate at this time. YOU and my BH could call the examiner yourselves if you want to see that I am not lying that I can't take the test. I WANT to take the test. I don't have anything to hide. I am sorry but I don't agree with you that you think what Looking4 said was "elegant". Nothing about an A is "elegant". Anything that can damage a marriage is not "elegant" whether it be A, mental abuse, physical abuse, neglect... anything. And for the last 2 months I have said that GP WANTS me to take the test so I set it up and I am absolutely not using pregnancy as an excuse not to take the test. That decision was not made by me.

Yes, GP wants me to take the poly and I ABSOLUTELY plan on doing so. I am not the one who decided that I couldn't take it right now. I was told by the examiner that after the baby comes is when the poly should be taken. I want it done sooner then later but the company that I am using for the poly said that the baby has to be born first.