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When friends bring up the topic of adultery in general conversation...what do you say or do you say nothing? Do you own it or avoid it? Is the BS and the FWS in agreement how to handle this? Does it depend on who the people are?



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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If they don't know, have no need to know, then there is no need to tell them about your situation.

If you can talk about it in general and want to then do so. If not then do not.

It is what is best for you.

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Hi b_r...

We share our story with people anytime that we feel like it might be able to help someone...If they are just conversationally bringing up the adultery of others (ie: movie stars) we make our negative feelings about it known, without sharing our story...

Mrs. W

ETA: Yes, we do think it's something that must be POJA'd...

Last edited by MrsWondering; 05/17/09 04:34 AM.

FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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I'll have to talk to H about this and maybe should have some time ago. Of course the topic is uncomfortable but if I ever saw someone who needed help I wouldn't be embarrassed to share with them. Not sure how H feels. I guess part of it for me is if he own his A and is truly sorry then it shouldn't be the elephant in the room. And I do wonder if when our children are grown and looking at M themselves if this experience was shared with them and their future spouses if it would make a difference and not have them begin M with the "it will never happen to us" attitude.

Thanks for the responses.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I don't think there would be any reason to tell your kids. Why burden them? Is any of them an OC? Why make them carry your burden.

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My children already know and neither is an OC. They are both under 10 so they probably won't remember too much by the time they are ready to marry themselves and at this age their understanding is limited. I guess I see it as if H or I had used drugs, had a teen pregnancy to deal with, ended up in jail for something, etc...that we'd want our children to avoid those same mistakes by given a personal account. We all know that getting pregnant when your 15 isn't a good idea but it still happens to many because they don't think it will happen to them no matter how many times they hear it. But would it make a difference to see a real, live example that is close to you? I think X seems more real to people when they see it first hand versus just hearing about it.

I don't see it as a burden...more like just another way to keep them on the right path and think about how their choices affect others.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Some kids say look at that famous person they were crazy wild, but then they stopped. So I'll be crazy wild then stop like them.

Why set yourself up to be a crazy wild roll model?

Does a parent have to say they did drugs to say drugs are bad to their kids?

If a girl got pregnant at 15 it's kind of hard to hide the fact when she is 30 and telling here 15 yo DD about the dangers of premarital sex.

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Originally Posted by black_raven
When friends bring up the topic of adultery in general conversation...what do you say or do you say nothing? Do you own it or avoid it? Is the BS and the FWS in agreement how to handle this? Does it depend on who the people are?
We haven't discussed this, never thought about it until now.
I wouldn't have any problem telling someone if I thought it would help them and yes this would have to be POJA.
And another yes to as to who they are.

Haven't had to worry too much about this yet, many of our social friends I think have had their phones disconnected. wink

Our kids know, it's changed them for the better, not at the time but ....


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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My friends all know so it never seems to be part of the conversation. I have noticed a couple are starting to repeat A related jokes around us tho.
I always make my dislike of infidelity known, and sometimes Flick will too.


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Because all my TRUE friends know my views on it, it rarely gets brought up.

But I am vehement about it ...


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Double post.

Last edited by MarriedForever; 05/18/09 05:33 AM.

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Depends...I told one girl who was telling me a story about her married SIL whom she encouraged to find a MM to screw since she was in a "loveless marriage".

I was so shocked and appalled that someone was ENCOURAGING someone else to actually LOOK for a MM to screw that I told her what we had been through and asked her to please, PLEASE stop this. I told her she had NO IDEA the pain she was encouraging someone to inflict on another woman.

Other times I have just said nothing...it all depends if it was a general convo about affairs.

FWH has told people when the situation warrants it and he feels what he's been through can help someone else. That's happened to him a few times.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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>I was so shocked and appalled that someone was ENCOURAGING someone else to actually LOOK for a MM to screw that I told her what we had been through and asked her to please, PLEASE stop this. I told her she had NO IDEA the pain she was encouraging someone to inflict on another woman.


I think I woulda taken that one behind the shed.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
>I was so shocked and appalled that someone was ENCOURAGING someone else to actually LOOK for a MM to screw that I told her what we had been through and asked her to please, PLEASE stop this. I told her she had NO IDEA the pain she was encouraging someone to inflict on another woman.


I think I woulda taken that one behind the shed.

I wanted to, believe me. I never thought of her the same after that conversation, I looked at her in a MUCH different (read: disgusted) light.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Hi b_r,

Sorry to threadjack but I must just apologise for not having emailed you. I seem to only snatch a few moments at work for private stuff and my hotmail account is playing up and not letting me reply. I will write soon!

On topic: I do not talk about my H's adultery when adultery comes up in conversations. I think that doing so would turn my own situation into another fascinating account to be gossiped about. I think that the only reason I would talk about it would be if a good friend had just found out and I could talk about H's affair, and my MB knowledge, to help her. That has not happened yet.

I agree with you about telling the children when they are older and entering into marriage themselves. My daughter knows of the affair, but nothing at all about the details. I told her once, after H and I had a furious row, that her father had been seeing someone else. She did not want to talk about it and I never brought it up again. However, I think that talking about the affect of the affair on me, the marriage and the children's lives, at the time of the affair and during our difficult recovery, would be very good for them in their own relationships. I don't see why or how it would burden them. If their father carries on as he seems to be now, working hard to repair the damage he has done, I would be telling them how proud I am of him and that they should be, too. I would tell, them, too, that I am glad that I stayed through this most difficult of times and that their father and I worked for, and achieved, a better marriage.



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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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i always express my utter disgust at adultery no matter how it got brought up (usually seems like it is XYZ movie star/entertainer is getting divorced b/c of adultery). i used to not really care as i feel 'gossiping' about movie stars/entertainers is a waste of my time, but now i make sure everyone around me knows i utterly despise adultery.


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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Having suffered through three DDays and who knows how many OMs, whenever the subject comes up I'm banging on the anti-affair drum LOUDLY!

It's about doing what's right, not what *feels* right. You put that ring on your finger and you pledge yourself to that person before God and everyone. Done. Period. Nuff said.

If you are abused, neglected, not ENs getting met, then divorce that person...and only THEN do you sleep around. Until then, suck it up and work it out. Geeeeze...


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"

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