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I would suggest trying melatonin for the sleeplessness ... it's in the vitamin/supplement section and is a bit more "natural" than the other PM stuff you can get over the counter...

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Yes, it is normal. I used melatonin with magnesium, then Advil PM. I still had the same problem. I was emotionally exhausted by the end of the day, so would fall asleep easily, but would wake up at 3:00 in the morning, wide awake. I think this is anxiety related, not so much the stress. It is the uncertainty you are feeling. My father gave me some tryptophan (do they get it from turkeys?) he says it's a sleep aid and a mood improver. I haven't tried it yet. I dunno, I'm willing to try anything, but can't say whether or not these things work. Thankfully sleep is not the problem anymore.

I sleep just fine now. It's strange, I just got used to not sleeping during 'The Troubles' but now I am enjoying fairly regular sleep. I've had some dreams about WW lately which has been weird. I often wake up sad. I miss that feeling of waking up excited about the day. I'm sure it'll be back eventually.

Dear god that's hard that she's asking you point blank. I didn't think she would. In the end, Coho kinda tested the waters again to see where I was, but I think sensed that I was at the end, and she just gave up, or whatever. If she wants to recover her marriage, let her try. Tell her to spend the next 5 months working her tail off at refilling your love bank, while you give nothing back. I doubt she will.

I'm glad you're sticking with your guns, I know it's extremely hard. It'd be easier in the short run to just make it all better. You would be selling yourself very short in my opinion.

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Zen: You should see her at ball games. She sits at end of field even when none of my relatives are at the games. When relatives are around she really avoids them and leaves immediately after the game. Ashamed.

I think she holds hope that I might giver her another chance somewhere down the road. She's said more than one time she hopes that we can be friends after all this is over. She's really got no one to talk to besides the counselor, a co-worker and her BFF. However...

BFF: I'm sure her hubby is VERY upset at my STBxWW for all this crap. He's pretty black and white guy, and the BFF told me he'd probably do her physical harm if she ever had an affair. Can't imagine he's got much sympathy for my STBxWW.

Co-worker: She's probably the most supportive, but she really thinks highly of me, as does her hubby. The four of us were looking to take a cruize next spring. And the Co-worker doesn't know that OM is Dr.X from their hospital. Uh oh...

Mother: She's pretty much a beotch. Wife can't stand her, so family support is few and far between. Her brother has called our house a grand total of 4 times in the 18 years we've been married. Sister knows we are divorcing, but doesn't know the whole truth...and she's not close with my WW.

I can see her creeping towards the depths of rock-bottom. I keep my distance and keep a scowl on my face. I'm not showing her emotion, just indifference.

She asked if we could talk today about a temporary order -- she's willing to grant me house and kids until we can work more on long term solutions to this divorce. I'll keep you all posted...


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I would let co worker know how the OM is.

Does WW sis and bro know? If not then expose.

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Aside from medications for sleep issues, you could check out yoga and specifically yoga breathing. Yoga breathing can really help with sleep issues. Of course, there are other benefits to yoga and yoga breathing. I remember my boyfriend breaking up with me when I was a teenager. I went to a yoga class and came away feeling very relaxed...it really helped back then.


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Originally Posted by LawfulGood
Zen: You should see her at ball games. She sits at end of field even when none of my relatives are at the games. When relatives are around she really avoids them and leaves immediately after the game. Ashamed.

I think she holds hope that I might giver her another chance somewhere down the road. She's said more than one time she hopes that we can be friends after all this is over. She's really got no one to talk to besides the counselor, a co-worker and her BFF. However...

BFF: I'm sure her hubby is VERY upset at my STBxWW for all this crap. He's pretty black and white guy, and the BFF told me he'd probably do her physical harm if she ever had an affair. Can't imagine he's got much sympathy for my STBxWW.

Co-worker: She's probably the most supportive, but she really thinks highly of me, as does her hubby. The four of us were looking to take a cruize next spring. And the Co-worker doesn't know that OM is Dr.X from their hospital. Uh oh...

Mother: She's pretty much a beotch. Wife can't stand her, so family support is few and far between. Her brother has called our house a grand total of 4 times in the 18 years we've been married. Sister knows we are divorcing, but doesn't know the whole truth...and she's not close with my WW.

I can see her creeping towards the depths of rock-bottom. I keep my distance and keep a scowl on my face. I'm not showing her emotion, just indifference.

She asked if we could talk today about a temporary order -- she's willing to grant me house and kids until we can work more on long term solutions to this divorce. I'll keep you all posted...

LG,

I am sorry to hear you are still consumed by her and the hope that it will work out maybe one day. At least it seems that way to me.

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LG, SWW has pointed out what we can all see in your posts: you are consumed by everything WW is doing. She may or may not hit "rock bottom" but meantime, you really need to be taking care of YOU.

I'd like to encourage you to read TMTS' (TooMuchTooSoon) posts. He did a great job of shifting the focus back to HIM. He became a person that he was proud of, and who he knew would be OK - with or without his WW. Following his situation was inspiring. Perhaps you'd feel the same.

Stay strong. You can do this.


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Thanks for feedback people. I am taking care of me. The more she is away from the house the more strength i gain. I'm headed to gym today again, and spend lots and lots of time around my support peoples (brother, sister, parents, neighbor friends and here).

I do not feel sorry for her. She tried to tug on the heartstrings saying she's envious of my support people, that the kids seem only to talk to me about their troubles, that the kids come to my side of the bed at night when they are sick, not hers (always have...). She whines about all of this yet is unwilling to make any changes in her work schedule. This is her bed, she gets to lie in it.

She can't/won't talk to her mom or dad about things. She's not close with her sister. She has BFF, Co-worker and Affairage doc friend in another state.

My strength and resolve grow stronger every day.

Last night we had a little sit down to figure out temp custody and house possession. She asked if she could have kids on weekend and I stay somewhere else. I said absolutely NOT! I'm not leaving this house, I'm not sleeping elsewhere for any reason.

She said this house is just as much hers. I replied, I did nothing wrong, I'm NOT sleeping elsewhere. It's rare that I ever jump her chit, but when I do she knows I mean business. She knew I meant busines last night.

talking to attorney today.


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
I would let co worker know how the OM is.

Does WW sis and bro know? If not then expose.

I'm not exposing to co-worker or STBxWWs partners in the pratice...may jeapordize her employment.

Sister and brother know we getting divorce, but not sure they know all the details. Doesn't really matter to me as they are not close at all. Her brother has called us a grand total of 4 times in 18 years of marriage. I did expose completely to her parents.


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LG,

Well played with WW last night ... it feels good to take back some measure of control over your life, doesn't it???

You are also correct on continued exposure ... it serves NO PURPOSE at this point in time. Focus on negotiating the BEST possible custody arrangement and property settlement, while WW keeps her job so she can pay CS and alimony.

Exposure is preached here too much, IMHO. It is a double edged sword that is VERY effective at breaking up an A, but the remaining baggage makes recovery more difficult for BOTH parties. The WW's public reputation has been ruined over a private matter, and the BH has to contend with the humiliation of all these people knowing that his WW had chosen another over him.

I suppose if a BH really wants to save the M, then it is NECESSARY to break up the A first and foremost, but I'm beginning to think that "IN SOME CASES" its best to use the "threat" of exposure to gain/assure NC and/or in a D situation, to use as a negotiating tool to obtain the best possible settlement.

In your case, I think the best oft quoted advice here is ... "If your enemy is self-destructing ... let them."

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I agree about the exposure.

If a person is going to plan D, then EVERY card in their hand should be held very close to their chest.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
LG,

Well played with WW last night ... it feels good to take back some measure of control over your life, doesn't it???

You are also correct on continued exposure ... it serves NO PURPOSE at this point in time. Focus on negotiating the BEST possible custody arrangement and property settlement, while WW keeps her job so she can pay CS and alimony.

Exposure is preached here too much, IMHO. It is a double edged sword that is VERY effective at breaking up an A, but the remaining baggage makes recovery more difficult for BOTH parties. The WW's public reputation has been ruined over a private matter, and the BH has to contend with the humiliation of all these people knowing that his WW had chosen another over him.

I suppose if a BH really wants to save the M, then it is NECESSARY to break up the A first and foremost, but I'm beginning to think that "IN SOME CASES" its best to use the "threat" of exposure to gain/assure NC and/or in a D situation, to use as a negotiating tool to obtain the best possible settlement.

In your case, I think the best oft quoted advice here is ... "If your enemy is self-destructing ... let them."
I agree with your lawyer and MyRev. Exposure is needed to end the affair when your goal is to recover the marriage. When your plan is to end the marriage, the tactics are different. I also agree that you should not have to leave that house for visitation. She does not need to be in your home alone. Should could be setting up surveillance and snooping. She has exposed you enough and cannot be trusted.


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Worked out today for first time in a while. Still having trouble sleeping. Seeing my doc tomorrow for STD/AIDs tests, talk to him about anti-depressants (although I'm reluctant to get on them).

Spent about 2 hours with neighbor friend just chatting. It's good to work on me, to take care of my needs and look at things I need to do to be healthy.

Attorney is okay with joint-legal custody and me getting sole physical custody. He's even okay with her coming back to house to visit kiddos and hang with them, but says we can revisit that at later date if needed. He's seeing us right on schedule...which is good.

We now have to wait and see what STBxWWs attorneys do.

Now, back to me...waht other good things can I be doing for myself? Exercise, working on photography, stuff around the house, talking to friends and family, letting all the emotions out, not spending time / paying attention to STBxWW needs or concerns.

Strange to focus on me, but it feels oddly good.


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Originally Posted by LawfulGood
Worked out today for first time in a while. Still having trouble sleeping. Seeing my doc tomorrow for STD/AIDs tests, talk to him about anti-depressants (although I'm reluctant to get on them).

Spent about 2 hours with neighbor friend just chatting. It's good to work on me, to take care of my needs and look at things I need to do to be healthy.

Attorney is okay with joint-legal custody and me getting sole physical custody. He's even okay with her coming back to house to visit kiddos and hang with them, but says we can revisit that at later date if needed. He's seeing us right on schedule...which is good.

We now have to wait and see what STBxWWs attorneys do.

Now, back to me...waht other good things can I be doing for myself? Exercise, working on photography, stuff around the house, talking to friends and family, letting all the emotions out, not spending time / paying attention to STBxWW needs or concerns.

Strange to focus on me, but it feels oddly good.
When I went through my divorce to my first husband, I was a mess for at least a year. Appetite was gone. Had difficulty sleeping more than a few hours/night. Had a terrible time focusing. It was impossible to read a book or watch TV. I think that your body is an organic and spiritual being. There are things that your body, mind and spirit need to feel balanced. These are some things that helped me:
1. Feed your body the healthiest food that you can. This will help the chemical aspect of your physical body.
2. Don't eat right before bed. It can disrupt your sleep.
3. Exercise moderately early in the day. If you exercise too close to bedtime, it may disrupt your sleep. If you over-exercise it causes additional stress and you immune system is already stressed.
4. Avoid all mood suppressors like alcohol or unnecessary medications.
5. Avoid depressed people. It is much easier to drag someone else down than it is to pull them up.
6. Go to bed at the same time every night.
8. Get up at the same time every morning.
9. Get showered and completely dressed to your shoes every morning first thing.
10 Keep a journal and write out your thought and feelings. Write down the things that you are grateful for. Write down the things that make you happy. Make goals for the future. Make a plan to achieve them.
11. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or church.
12. Church - lots of prayer or meditation - whatever works for you.
13. Be out in the sunshine. It is a mood enhancer. Open windows, go outside as much as possible.

Last edited by stillstanding2; 05/18/09 11:09 AM. Reason: added a couple that I forgot

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Maybe change your diet and start eating better, take vitamins if you don't. Go out and get some new clothes. Do normal routine-maintenance stuff if you've been neglecting them, like going to the dentist.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Some great advice, SS2. I think I'll follow that too. I am having a horrible time focusing too. I haven't watched TV in weeks. Reading is tough too. A lot of the daily things that gave me pleasure seem to be kind of flavorless. I find that being around people is pretty good medicine. I've also found that spoiling myself a little is very nice. Think of some of the things that you may have put aside for the sake of your family and your marriage. Of course you have to consider your daughters with any decisions you make, but you don't have to consider your wife, and that is kinda liberating, especially after giving so much for so long. Here are a couple things I've done already:

- Buy yourself some new clothes. Something only you like. Maybe in a color she hates... (just kidding - sorta)

- Meet with friends for lunch, it breaks up your day and stops the obsessing for a bit.

- Looking at vintage motorcycles again after a 12 year break.

- Take off and go fishing/hunting in the middle of the week.

- Reengage old friends who you may have lost connection with while concentrating on your family.

- BBQ. A lot. Invite everyone you know.

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Originally Posted by broken_soul
Maybe change your diet and start eating better, take vitamins if you don't. Go out and get some new clothes. Do normal routine-maintenance stuff if you've been neglecting them, like going to the dentist.

Me and STBxWW started doing workout program a while back, eating better, and I've changed my clothes. I like the way i dress now, even though it's stuff she likes to see me in. I feel more confident in these clothes, so I'm going to keep wearing them.

She stopped working out and doesn't eat as well since her surgery. Tough beans. I'm moving forward. One day at a time.

Hopefully all this hand-wringing and gut wrenching will subside and I can continue to work on ME. I think my biggest worries are about the financial things. I worry that she will try to bleed me dry and give me nothing.

But after supporting her through undergrad, medical school, internship, residency...leaving four great career paths to support her medical training and practice...and being a stay @ home dad for four years...I think I'm going to be well taken care of for quite some time.

I need to stop obsessing about the $$$ stuff and just continue to work on me. Thanks for all the input and feedback. Helps a ton!


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
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Oh, look up the word 'liminality'. That describes where I am pretty well. It's not a bad place to be, because I think the brain is very much ready to absorb some important lessons. The downside is a feeling of uncertainty and drifting. I am experiencing really high highs, and really low lows. As you start concentrating on your own happiness, I think will see what I'm talking about. I think if you do the right things, the highs start outweighing the lows.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liminality


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I'm in a definite pinch money-wise as well. But frankly, I'd rather struggle to pay the bills than try to 'work' with WW. I would like to have zero financial connection to her, or as close to that as I can get.

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Wow, that was strange...just spent past 1.5 hours in basement with STBxWW. She was going through bills, statments, etc., making copies for both her and me. And I was looking up estimated values on household goods (TVs, camera, guns, furniture, etc.). Strange and undeasy truce.

At one point she held up her retirement account...it's dropped a ton in last year. She said, "I'm going to make a joke...probably not in good taste...but you'd have been better off divorcing me last year when this account was higher."

We both laughed a little...

We will prbably have to sell the house. Can't see how she can afford to pay this mortgage and have $$ left for an apartment or house on her end. Sad, cause we love the neighbors. Oh well, it is what it is...

You know, she doesn't look attractive any more. The character flaws are starting to show through. Funny how what I perceived as an inner beauty made her outer beauty more attractive. Now that I think about her and OMs, about lies, deception, etc., she's just not attractive.

She retained attorney today. We came to agreement on child custody and parenting plan. I'd still like her to sleep out of the house, but her attorney said she shouldn't leave the house...not yet any way. So I might be stuck with her for a little while. Ug.

But if she's not going bat-chit crazy or turning in to the wicked witch of the west, I might be able to live with her in the guest bedroom for a while.

that's all. Off to sleep...or something that resembles sleep for a few hours.


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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