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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 1
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ruguy Offline OP
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 1
Hello
It’s been a strange and rough year in my relationship.
Will make it short and right to the point:

I met my girlfriend at the time about a year and a half ago. I was going through a difficult time recovering after the divorce back then and she was there to support me. For the first 6 month, I did not make any deposits to our love bank account. I was locked up dealing with effects of my depression almost every day and did not or was not capable to meet or fulfill any of my girlfriend’s emotional needs.

By the end of the 6th month, we were living together and I started showing the signs of improvement. Once I became more attentive, I was overwhelmed by this incredible “Gut feeling” that something was happening behind my back. I was simply overwhelmed with it. I was dealing with it for about one week.
I woke up in the morning and saw that my girlfriend just minimized her e-mail instead of logging of. I dove in it and found the reason for my feeling right away.
She met the man 5 years prior to us meeting each other. They dated for a long time and were in love but something did not allow them to take their relationship to a different level. They separated but never stopped being good friends. What I discovered were current love letters to each other. I also discovered that they’ve met on few occasions while I and she were dating.

I confronted her that same day. At first she did not want to admit everything, trying to find out how much I’ve learned by reading their emails. After learning that I saw all, she was crushed. I informed her that I am leaving her and she begged me to stay, saying that they are just friends and nothing physical took place. Well, I could not find any evidence of the sexual encounters either. She wrote him an e-mail, thanking him for being a good friend and told him that she will not be talking to him or see him again. She handed me all her credentials to make it easy for me to snoop and told me to do it for as long as I have to.

Ever since then (for almost 12 month now) I’ve been snooping on all her records (phone, emails, etc.) no evidence of communications at all. I don’t have this gut feeling now either. However, found myself of becoming a snoop maniac instead.

We became a husband and wife end of last year. And I am still obsessed with snooping. I ran into MB site and started looking for advice. I realized that I did not know enough of my wife history with that man and that created a vacuum for my suspicions. I learned that I needed more information from her on what went on before we met. When asked, she was extremely uneasy and had a very difficult time telling me any details from the past. I do not know what to make of this, so maybe you can help.

On the overall, our relationship is great. Sex, recreational and romantic. Its all there.

I just find myself not being a step closer to trusting her.
Ultimately, I would like to find a way to start trusting her and stop snooping because it is not pleasant for me at all.

Thank you for any advice

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945
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Last edited by gg615; 05/18/09 06:42 PM. Reason: samde post twice

D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 945
Your wife has to be O&H with you. Print out the article (link below) and give it to her to read. I would suggest you both come here and learn the concepts. It is early enough in your M where you can learn how to protect and nurture the M. Maybe you don't trust her because she hasn't really dealt with why she was in contact with OM from past. Maybe the question is - when your M is vulnerable is she going to run back to him? If you were secure in your M you wouldn't be afraid of this.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Last edited by gg615; 05/18/09 06:41 PM.

D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated

Moderated by  Fordude 

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