Jewelsos,

On that "you have it better" note -- somedays I think I do, others I don't.

For the first six or seven weeks, he WAS here. I honestly don't think he was actively cheating. But he (obviously) never fully set his mind to R either.

Then, two weeks ago yesterday, I made him leave after some events occurred.

On the one hand, now I don't have to watch him do the things he was doing. And I don't (so much) thing he is capable of cake-eating in our current arrangements.

However, with him gone, I have no way of "snooping" anymore (short of hiring a PI, which I DEF canNOT afford right now). So my mind is CONSTANTLY asking "What's he doing now?"

On the note about the kids and protecting them: I DEFEND THAT FOG-WASHED MAN EVERYTIME MY DS3 SAYS ANYTHING! I don't know if I necessarily should or not, but I do. He just turned three, so he is old enough to understand that Daddy isn't here anymore and that something is not right. But he is not old enough to understand the why's of it all. Honestly, I think this is about the hardest age for DS3 to be drug through this all.

Is there ANY point in sticking with a Plan (whether A or B)..

Or do I just gather my junk together and follow H's Plan D??

That depends on what YOU want.... Have you done a Plan "A" yet? Just because he filed.. doesn't mean he will go through with it..

If you WANT the marriage STALL the D.. the affair WILL end... 97% of them do once they see the "light of day"

If you haven't done a Plan 'A" and want the marriage start ASAP.. Read about it first..

This is VERY hard.. But YOU CAN DO THIS!!
I'll try and read the rest of your situation and see if I can help more.. GOoD Luck and Prayers Frank

There is no sign of A.

I honestly believe that A ended with initial NC on DDay.

He just "doesn't know if he loves me anymore" still..

It's like the fog never cleared..

He still talks to me with such anger and vengeance.

Plan A only enabled him to treat me like a doormat.

And then he walked out on me.

Ugh..

I keep going back and forth.. and back and forth..

I love my H, the real H. Not this fogwashed crazyman he has become in recent months.

But my REAL H. The one that I met 8 years ago. The one who I fell in love with. Who I married. Who I had two absolutely perfect (though slightly tempermental, lol) boys with..

The simple thought of D'ing my H breaks my heart, for I know that he is still in the fog. I know that my REAL H isn't the one doing all of these hurtful things..

But if he refuses to accept that THIS is not really him, and that he really isn't thinking clearly, but rather his mind is clouded with fog and poor judgment, and he refuses to wash it out..

What other choice do I have?

There is no way to speak rationally to this foggy WH. I love him dearly, for I know what lies in his soul. And I am strong enough to see past the fog and have made a conscious effort to NOT allow HIS fog to cloud my judgment and feelings.

But I fear that if I don't just accept what is -- that he has filed for D and that is what he "wants" -- then I will only be setting myself up to get completely screwed over in the settlement.

I am lucky (and I use this term VERY loosely) to have just witnessed, less than 2 months ago, the power lawyers and drama can plan in a divorce. I watched my BIL and his now XW hash it out with each other, casting EVERY vengeful stone they could lay their hands upon.

I don't want to be either of those parties.

I don't want a divorce. Plain and simple. I think that WH is still WH in spirit (though not physically, right now). And that the foggy man who is being tempted by his twin brother's newfound "freedom" is the one who wants the divorce.

But I am scared that if I Plan A him, rather than putting up my defenses and building my arsenal for this D, I will be left with nothing but the clothes on my back and an empty soul.

I am sure I sound desperate and lost now. Like there isn't a Plan.

Honestly, I am. And there isn't.

ANY ADVICE?

If you don't want a divorce, ask your attorney to make it take as long as possible. He may clear the fog before then. If you can't afford an attorney, to to www.unitedway.org and ask them to connect you to someone. You do NOT have to make this easy for him.

At the same time, make sure you are Plan Aing like crazy. Every time he sees you, you are gorgeous. You are making all his favorite foods when he visits, even if he's not eating. Get in shape. Start doing the things he always said he wished you would do.

I sent a request to UW after I got that link, cp. I never even thought about that. THANK YOU.

So I have a question about Plan A:

I have made sure to always be happy and look my best and smile and yadda, yadda, yadda...

But I think H seems to be taking it the wrong way.

He told MIL (who told me) that I am "acting like I am better off without him" because I seem so happy and I appear to have everything in order -- I love my job, the kids would rather be with me, the house has been immaculate, everything "seems" great.

So he thinks that I am "happier" with him gone.

So -- ANY thoughts?