OK, hmmmm, is there supposed to be jealosy or is there supposed to be trust?<P>As a SO, should I say something when when my SO, appears to be too close to others for my comfort? isn't that going against trusting? isn't that not allowing her to be herself? if she is doing that to get me jealous, isn't that manipulative? I did both, but the crap started to fly when I voiced concern over getting too close to someone, and I was right. then i let her do what she wanted to do, since she gave me crap, and it got worse.<P>so what is the right path? i think it varies by person. my mom told me that if a SO tells you what you can and can't do, that's crap. My mom askes my dad to do stuff, but she never tells him not to be himself. and so I adopted that model. My IL's sit and worry, and tell everyone what to do, and what they should do, and how it should be. two complete opposites.<P>so which is right? I think the key is to find someone like ourselves, who have similar values, and similar personalities. that way, they understand us much easier than total opposites, or they don't make the wrong conclusion.<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited November 08, 2000).]

nikkilynn2,<P>I saw this very early in our 15 year relationship and realized that she was a real extrovert (quite the opposite of me). I never said anything and it was something I accepted. This was HER and that was all there was to it. Had I said something, she would have taken offense to it. She LOVED me letting her be her.<P>Jay

Point taken guys, I guess I would have been upset if everytime I spoke with a member of the opposite sex, he got upset, BUT<BR>I had a different situation, I told my husband I didnt like the way some of our friends were "too close" and didnt want to offend them. I would have liked it if he had come and said please dont do that to my wife. Or at least would have voiced concern as well, I just thought he was niave, but I almost wonder sometimes, and I am trying not to slam him, that he thought he was so wonderful , I would never find anyone else even remotly attractive. I really just thought he didnt think I was very attractive and that noone else would want me.

so , I guess it is a no win situation, maybe the only way to be sure of anything is openess and honesty as to what you expect from your spouse in relation to this. wouldnt it be nice to know all the boundaries that were acceptable?

no, its just something to learn. do you want someone that gets jealous easily to remind you that he still loves you?<P>is that a trait you admire? do you admire being rescued from other guys? how far would he be allowed to go before you started to feel resentful and controlled?<P>just curious.<P>as an example, my inlaws displayed caring as staying up all night until the SO came home, sitting up worrying.<P>i came from a family that trusted, and realized that you couldn't do a damn thing where you weren't, and that the phone call would come, whether you were awake or asleep.<BR>so why not get some sleep.<P>so which is right?

Free2Me,<P>Just a quick comment on the infamous "honeymoon period". I am not really sure if it exists anymore (or if it ever existed in the first place). My wife always looked for it as well - she made me think there was a problem with us in that respect for some time....until I began asking other newly married couples and some older couples who have been "around the block". They all kind of concurred that the "newlywed year" is somewhat of a myth. That the newness is great, but there are often a lot of hurdles to overcome the first few years of marriage - top among them is learning to live together with someone who may have complete opposite ways of doing things.<P>But you hear these same people always kid around about being newlyweds... Maybe that is it, maybe everyone thinks they should have a newlywed year and if they don't, they never admit it and try to cover it up through humor? Unfortunately that sometimes does damage to a new couple in that they may be looking for this time and then when it does not happen they begin to question their new marriage....<P>Any one else have thoughts on this?<P>Mike

actually my honeymoon year was one of the best, i made the honeymoon travelling last two years, with some minor gliches. Its when the kids started, and I changed careers, that the trouble started.<P>but I saw two or three <redflags> that I did question the relationship, but generally let it slide. all in all it was pretty great!<P>but that was the last of it, really.<P>

Oh yes, the perfect couple!!!<BR>Problem is I believed it for 22 yrs....<BR>I no longer believe it at all, but he does. What a mess.

What an interesting question!!<P>Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. Or they told us how good we looked together . On the outside, at 27, married, 3 kids, 2 jobs, 2 cars, and totally involved in our kids lives, a lot of our friends, family and neighbors were amazed.<P>In front of other people, he treated me much better. It was when no one was around that he would say things that to THIS DAY, people don't believe he said if I were to tell them.<P>I will admit this, we were 17 when we got together, you don't know your in it "forever" at that point. You don't know what you want, or need in life. So we were just way too young. Kids came and we made the best of it. We didn't want to give up.<P>He tried very hard to change for me for many years, but I really think guys in their twenties, just aren't ready for all that responsibility. I kept waiting around for him to grow up. I waited 11 years. I think he has a few more years til he gets there!!<P>I am interested to see how many people were thought to be the perfect couple, I know how shocking it is when you run into people and they say "NOT YOU GUYS"!!!<P>Now I'm in a relationship, where all my friends think I have the 'perfect guy' and we're the perfect couple. The only thing I do know is we have both been thru this same affair business and we definetly are smarter and more aware of the commitment any relationship, married or not, actually takes.<P><BR>Prayers and hugs,Dana<BR>

We were the perfect couple....and I hope we will be again someday! When I would tell friends of our current problems, their jaws would drop! <P>I had a former neighbor call me a few weeks ago and tell me about her troubled marriage and her counselor told her to find someone who had a marriage she admired and talk to that person, and that is why she called me! She said her and her H. always admired how we treated each other and how happy we seemed to be! She said it appeared we had the happiest marriage out of anyone she knew! I didn't even know what to say to her! <P>It just goes to show you how very quickly life changes and how extremely grateful we should be for all the good things in our lives!<p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited November 09, 2000).]

Bumping another notable thread regarding the "perfect couple." Hits close to home.......

Not really helping with the legal stuff, but it's so interesting how similar our stories are....

Me and my wife...were the fairytale couple. Everything was seeminly perfect and then she snapped.

Our life was far from a fairy tale but we were the couple that was pointed to as what a long term marriage should look like. Coming up on 33 years together NO ONE could believe we were so close to divorce and NO ONE who knew my wife could believe she was having an affair.

3 years later and we're in pretty good shape but some of our friends never seemed to recover from OUR problem.

We were pointed out as a good couple. One of my friends told me lately that from all couples he knows, ours was never believed having faced such kind of problems.

In hindsight, our relationship was as rotten as it can get due to affairs from both spouses.

But hopefully, through MB, we can become a good couple now. We are still together in spite of all but my former friends are either split (affairs) or living in a lie (one S had A, other does not know).

In fact, right now we are probably in the process of losing our mutual friends (the one recon6mo mentioned living in a lie where one S had an A), and the problem for them seems to be OUR changed attitudes about marriage which they cannot accept for obvious reasons. Now we have talked a lot about our affairs and this seems to pose a very direct threat to this affair of hers to come out. And when we meet they are doing their "best" to be better that us (by saying that THEY have NEVER done anything like THAT - implying that THAT is affairs and now talking openly about them). I understand that their world where we were a "perfect couple" is vanished, but I haven't experienced it before that the place of a "perfect couple" (US) is taken now by another "perfect couple" (THEM) and this rationalization works just fine for them... Lovely, isn't it?

Among our friends and family around our age we were together the longest and everyone looked up to our marriage..thought we were the perfect couple...Never ever though my WH would treat me the way that his has and cannot beleive that he is saying that he never loved me and was never happy...

They get to see and hear for themselves the fog and the alien that has taken over his brain...and they are all running scared that their marriages will fail...They feel if he and I didnt make it, Who does? ...I kinda feel that way too...

That's one of the things that has made this so tough, is that our friends and family looked at us as perfect. We were very good at putting up a wholesome perfect front in public, but at each other's throats in private.

One or two people could tell, though.