I married a great friend whom I have now betrayed. I still love him, but have found myself falling out of romantic love with him and being irritated or upset with him, his actions, and words most of the time. Through a social circle, I started hanging out one-on-one with a new male friend. Before I knew it, we were talking and hanging out constantly, and proceding to 'date' for six months!

About my marriage: My husband and I have known eachother for almost 20 years. He's my first love, and we married young, during college. Passionate first few years, focused on school and on being together. We were great friends, had overlapping social circles, spent a lot of time together, had a healthy sex life ... fell into a deeper and deeper love for one another. I'm not sure when things changed. During the last few years our work schedules, activities, and personal interests have limited our time together. I've found myself living with a roommate more than a husband. I found myself flattered when another man complimented me or paid attention to me, rather than annoyed. I started to plan activities for just H & I. When I asked him to do things with me that we used to enjoy together or that I knew he enjoyed, there was always a reason whey he couldn't. I started fighting for his attention with the tv, computer, and even the pets! I started to notice that our kisses were impersonal, sex unemotional and undesired. I started being treated like a roommate or sibling. The compliments, encouragement, praise, and respect went out the window, replaced by negative slights, complaints about domestic responsibilities and sexual desire. I found myself continually upset with him, but would keep it to myself, just focusing on being the person I should be and the person I wanted him to be. I thought selfless actions, effort, sweetness, desire to do things together, etc would be reciprocated. After at least a year of that, I realized it wasn't working, he wasn't changing, my desire for him hadn't increased, and I was constantly let down or hurt. So, I spent six months letting him know bit by bit things that bothered me or how his actions mad me feel insulted, degraded, or undesired. This only resulted in long drawn out conversations, with the conclusion that I was the one who needed to stop taking things so personal and know that he loved me.

About the man I have found myself in love with:
I am short on time ...
He is a gentleman, we relate on every level, have similar interests and passions, and he loves me like I've never been loved before. When we're together, we spend time focusing on just one another. I'm always happy and never find myself irrated or trying not to take things personal. Sex is amazing and more than I thought sex could ever be. The first few times were better than I'd had after years of marriage. It's beyond that though. We compliment eachother in day to day life. We have spent time together doing hobbies that we both enjoy. He holds my face when he kisses me, and opens the door for me. I have spent weekends with him and see myself being happier with him than I have ever dreamt possible. I can talk about work for the first time and we're on the same page. We talk about everything and there's just this understanding. Ahh. I have so much more to say.

Ok. I have broken off the affair and am focusing on trying to make my marriage work b/c it is the right thing and I made a promise that I don't take lightly. My husband and I are trying to love eachother for who we are today, and date again. It's been a few months and it's going okay.

Anyway. What does a person do when they find the love of their life when they are already married?

Please let me know if you have a similar story or can relate.

Have you ended all contact with your other man and does your husband know what you have done to him?

Why is this


written in the present tense?

If you are doing all the above "when we're together", how has it "been a few months" that your H and you have been trying?

You have not been trying if you have been in contact with OM.

This board focuses on much more than relating stories; it works on building marriages. Are you sure you want to do that? Why is it "the right thing" to try and make your marriage work? You say that you do not take your vows lightly, but your affair shows otherwise.

Does your H know how you feel about OM, and that you relate to each other on every level and that the sex is better than you thought it could be? Does he want to work on the marriage despite knowing these things,or does he not know?

Your OM is not a gentleman, by the way.

The notion that he is a gentleman who loves you is an illusion. A gentleman would never have an affair with a married woman. What he did was degrade and use you, not "love" you. A man who really cared about you would never ask you to have an illicit affair with him. He got you to pull your panties down in a despicable, filthy act of adultery, an animalistic act no better than 2 pigs getting it on in the pig pen. A despicable act based on fraud, thoughtlessness and deceit.

There is nothing beautiful and romantic about adultery, my friend. It is vile and putrid to everyone except those living in the fog-stench of affair fantasy. To rational onlookers, it is ugly and nasty. It is a needy, cloying, married woman degrading herself by taking her panties down in a vile act of ugly adultery for a man who has respect for her.

Is he married too? Are there more victims in this drama besides your husband?

As Sugarcane pointed out, this is a forum for marriage building, not fantasizing about stinky affairs. You will get help rebuilding your marriage, but you won't get help romantizing something so despicable.

Of course you do, because the time that you sneak away to be with each other has no real life intrusions. You most likely don't spend your week-ends in places where anyone would recognize you (and let the secret get back to your H and his wife or girlfriend-or your families) so neither of you are in your real environment.

Also, you have time to talk about each other and gaze into each others' eyes because you don't have to discuss real life issues like bills, jobs, taking the pets to the vet, etc.

The grass isn't greener on the other side-it's greener where you water it.

This is a good place to be IF you really are interested in saving your M, but it will take a lot of hard work. You should read everything on this site, starting with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and Coping with Infidelity-how affairs should end.

First and foremost, you must tell your H. He deserves to know the truth-because it is his marriage that has been violated. He deserve to be able to decide if he wants to stay in it or not.

I asked earlier whether your H knows the strength of your feelings for OM.

Reading your post again, I see what johnstwin sees. You do not mention ever having told your H about the affair. You say that you tried to discuss your own unhappiness, and that this resulted in long conversations, at the end of which your H concluded that you needed to learn to be happy with what you had. This does not suggest that you told him about the affair. Does the poor man even know what has been going on his life, that his wife is having sex and spending weekends with another man (who holds doors open for her)? Does he know, when he tries to court you again by going on dates with you, what he is fighting against?

Does he know that he needs to take an STD test? You have made him take risks with his sexual health. He is now exposed to the diseases of every sexual partner that your OM has ever had, without his consent. Has he been given this information so that he can protect himself from further risk?

You say you're not sure when things changed.

They didn't!

You decided it would be fun and interesting to drop your panties for a man whose association with you, a MARRIED WOMAN, shows he is anything BUT a gentleman!

Sounds like you are pretty mad at your husband. But your posting here is a pretty courageous act - not sure if you know who you are likley to meet here? We are marriage builders.

You must want things to be different with your husband. If he starts to metaphoricaly "holds the door for you" and finds new ways to satisfy you sexually, that could be a good way to help build your marriage. But an affair doesn't help you build up your marriage, nor help you become more loving to anyone. Because it's based in deceit, it can't be real for you beyond a certain point any more than using pornography on the internet. Sure, it can feel real for moments, but leaves you feeling empty, sad, and disrespected. At some level you know it to be true (that it's artifical, superficial and that you are being used (and using someone else)). If it was "ahhh- so much more", then you probably wouldn't have broken it off nor come to Marriage Builders. But you have come, you asked for help and support... and you are welcome here.

You have probably not come here to happily tell about the virtues of your instinct pleasures, since at some level you know it's beneath you and your true desires. We are human not because of our passions and instincts, but we are human because we can master and control them. A dog, when it feels the slightest thirst instinct, will drink from the toilet and think nothing of it, no matter what's floating in there. And we're mammals too and can indeed become hydrated by doing what the dog does. But we don't. We are capable, and we can put our instincts on hold and wait until we get a glass and pour water into it from the tap. If your water is shut off or there is a problem with your plumbing, and there is only a drip coming out, do you go thrust your head into the toilet and take a long slow drink? Sluuurrp.... Ahhh...... there's so much more in there! No, we don't.

I don't mean to insult you but just to draw a comparison with your choice to follow your animal instincts. Yes I am characterizing your affair as drinking from the toilet. Now at this point you are following your higher calling, you have hopefully lowered the seat and closed the lid on your affair and stood up and come for help.

You are not among enemies here, people don't want to humiliate you or break you down. We are friends of marriage and marriage building and yes, do like to expose affairs for what they are. Ugly, stinky toilets filled with human waste. In your most desparate need perhaps you thought it was a reasonable thing to do... but you know that it's not. And... no one drove you to this, you did it to yourself. Thus it's not your husband's fault you did this. It may be his fault that you felt neglect and pain and hurt of every type. From the sounds of things, he neglected your most basic emotional needs and left you parched!

I don't know what this OM is all about, but since he knew you were married, he held the "seat" - not the door - open for you and invited you to drink with him.

There are things you can do now to increase your chances of helping your marriage. Listen to the people here and do what they say. If you can save your marriage you must "wipe off your mouth" and "brush your teeth" figuratively and go to your husband now.

-Learning 2 Love

Gentlemen do not date married woman.

Does your BH know about the affair?

What does he know?

If they will cheat with you the will cheat on you. I have seen it happen too many times.

L2L I LOVE your analogy!
Yes, this man is not your friend or a good potential mate for you. What he has done is disrespected you, your H and your M. He is NOT the love of your life, he is the ruination of it, along with your help of course. Please, listen to the advice here. Ditch this OM and turn back to your M. Nothing good will come of this A. It just won't.

Your story - in some ways - sounds so like mine that I could have written it. I was the WW too. I don't have time to write now but will later. I didn't know if I would ever be "in love" with my H again, but three years alter here we are! I'll be back. DON'T LEAVE. You're going to get some 2x4's here - we waywards deserve them - but stay around. You'll get help if you do.

Yep, I could have written this one too. "We have so much in common. He's my soul mate. We were meant to be together. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

It isn't true, any of it. It feels true, when you're deep in the fog, but it won't last, trust me. It never does. A relationship based on cheating and lies and pain and deceit can never last.

I get the impression that you haven't told your H about the A yet. You need to do that first. He has a right to know. Then, you need to sit down and write a NC letter and let your H read it before you send it. The only way your M has any chance of R is if you never have any contact with the OM again. You can save your M, if you really want to. I know it doesn't feel as though you can ever love your H again, but you can. Once you have NC with the OM and the fog starts to clear, things will look much better. You have a lot of time invested in your relationship with your H. Do you really want to throw all of that away?

LC, I can sorta relate to some of the things you've said --
e.g., finding yourself flattered by attention/affirmation from the Other Person; lack of recreational time spent w/spouse; appearance of divergent interests between you & spouse; frustration of feeling like you're competing for attention w/ work, TV, books, etc.; stronger, more intense feelings w/OP than you've had w/your spose in years; etc. Also, your tale sounds even more like some of the things my OW used to tell me re: her feelings about me vis-a-vis her husband & their marriage.

I didn't start out looking for an affair, but at some point I decided I liked all those feelings you mentioned, and so I shifted my boundaries & did stuff I never throught I'd do. Almost trashed my whole life. And today, 10 months later, I thank God daily that he set things up so that my OW's husband found her out, so that I had to finally make choices & chose to come clean to my wife & to beg her forgiveness, and started trying to earn it & save our marriage.

So far, so good; but there've been lots of ups & downs for both my wife & me. It's a road that's hard to see sometimes, and there are days when I've had flashbacks & "memory triggers" that've caused me to remember those feelings w/OW & how "fun"/fulfilling they seemed to me at the time. It takes discipline to snap yourself out of those memories & to keep your eye on the context in whihc they were created -- deception & lies. Some days it's easier to wallow in recollections of the past & the "rush" you got from it, than to take the next steps toward your future.

You asked "What does a person do when they find the love of their life when they are already married?" There are a lot of us who can deconstruct that piece of wayward-think, I'm sure, but first, before taking a stab at that, it'd be useful to learn a little more re: where you are. In particular:

-- You seem up on the MB lingo; are you reading "Surviving an Affair", or have you? Has your hubs?
-- Have you been in absolute no-contact; and if so, for how long?
-- How do you square this image of OM being a great guy with the fact that he had no overriding moral qualms about horning in on your marriage? And where'll that leave you if, 2 or 3 years hence, he feels the same re: you as you feel for your H, and he starts hanging out with the next "love of his life?"
-- Most importantly: Is your husband aware even there was an affair?

I ask that last question, because it seems to me that if you haven't gotten the affair out on the table, then not only are you are depriving yourself of a critical accountability factor (i.e., your H's knowledge would make it much less likely that you'll relapse"), but you'd be failing one of the most basic prerequisites for rebuilding your marriage, namely honesty (what the Harleys call "radical honesty"). With it, you'd have a fighting chance to make your marriage better than you think it can ever be again. Without it, you'd be maintaining a deception & being cruelly unfair to your husband, and probably wasting his time & money in the process.

So what's the rest of your story?

L2L thank you for welcoming me to this forum and recognizing that I am reaching out for help b/c I have been in the wrong and want to move forward on the right path.

It has been a big slap in the face to hear that OM is not a gentleman, and that he has only disrespected me. I don't appreciate the way some of you have lashed out at me, however. Please to not make me a target to take your personal anger out on. I am like any other person who has an A, then realizes that they have something worth fighting for in their M. Many of you may have forgiven someone for the same thing you are tearing me down for.

It has been a few months since I told my H that I was falling out of love with him and that things have to change. He has been putting forth a substantial amount of effort and seems to be working toward real change. I was so angry with him that it took time to decide that I need and want to put forth the same effort. It has only been one week since I broke off the A. I decided that I want to put forth all of my effort to date my husband, to see him for who he is now (like I've asked him to do for me), and to move forward on working on our relationship. It has been hard without OM b/c I have come to be so dependent on him emotionally. I love him and miss him, but I know I have to push that out of my mind and not to talk to OM about my feelings. Unfortunately I cannot cut off all contact with OM, but I can make sure that it nothing more than a professional relationship.

I cannot tell my H about this b/c that would be the end of our M, and there would be no going forward. I know you're thinking that I don't know, but I do. This is something we talked about before ever getting married, and has been talked about since during movies, etc. when A topic is there. He says he will never be able to get over it, and there would be no second chances period.

No, H does not know what he's been up against. I have been brutally honest with him about everything that bothers me, is upsetting, insulting, and things that I am not happy with. He has actually opened up to me more than ever as well about things he has been unhappy with and is frustrated about. The lines of communication are very open right now. He has actually expressed an appreciation for the challenge I have presented for him to be the man that he wants to be. It has been good for me to hear that I am not the only one struggling with unhappiness in this M. It's good to know what he's been upset about so that I can make changes and love him the way he deserves and wants to be loved.

It has been hard to make this decision, and that is what I was trying to express in 'romanticizing' about the A. I truly fell for OM and I know he would be amazing to me and that we could be happy together. The love I have for my H, even if it is not the passionate love I would like to have again, is very strong. H has been there for me most of my life, we have been there for eachother throught the some of the roughest times in our lives. The thought that finally brought me to my senses was 'he doesn't deserve this.' H deserves so much more. He has a great heart, he's just not the best at expressing love. H was putting forth so much effort and we were having good times again, so I got over much of the pain, the rift b/t us was closing, and I realized I wasn't ready to walk away. I want to give this another go around and I will always regret it if I don't give this everything I've got.

I don't know that the M will work. We could very well end up where we were in a couple of years. If that's the case, we should probably move on. However, I believe that if we both continue to give this our attention and to pay attention to one another, and stick up for our relationship, we can make it a continued success. Especially considering the improvement I see with just his efforts. I can't imagine what our M could look like with both of our efforts.

I konw I'm going to have a hard time not thinking about OM. I miss him terribly. I just keep reminding myself of my decision, and then pushing OM out of my mind.

So, I don't know why I'm here or how I ended up on this site. But here ... here lie my deepest feelings.

Thank you again for putting yourself out there. I can realte to many of your feelings.

I will say this as best I can. I ended the A and thought I could just focus on my marriage and put it behind me. I couldn't bear it. The bottom line is, the betrayal happened. Me keeping silent really had nothing to do with protecting my marriage. It was all about protecting myself. And I knew that the lie would always be there.

Telling your H sounds like the worst thing you could ever do. I fully expected my H to walk out the door the night I told him OR spend the rest of his life punishing me. But that didn't happen. There is no doubt in my mind that if I had not told my H I would have been a repeat offender. It has to come out. It just has to.

Living without the OM really feels horrible at first. Then it comes in spurts, and you have to be on your guard. Than comes that wonderful day when you realize that you were a fool to think the OM could even compare to your H. One of the main reasons things with the OM have seemed so intense is because it was new and forbidden.

I'll go ahead and tell you that there will be people coming by to be gut level, heart wrenchingly blunt with you. They are not taking out their anger on you for the most part. They KNOW this road, and they won't sugar coat things. Each time you open this thread, make a conscious decision to lay any defensiveness aside. The advice you get here is worth a few bruised feelings.

Like I said, I have been where you are. It does sound like you may be trying to shift some of this to your husband. I did that too. The marriage may be bad, but it is the wayward's decision to cheat. Own it 100%. Tell your husband. Come back here for help. And if you are on the edge, just say, "I feel like I am about to lose it, so please be gentle." Nobody here who really wants to help marriages is on a vicous vendetta.

Two red flags: 1. You haven't told your H about the A. 2. You haven't established NC with the OM.

You may not want to hear this, but you're going to, again and again, so listen. Your M will not succeed if you don't remedy the above problems. Your H must know. You must practice radical honesty if you want any hope at all of saving your M. I know how scary that sounds, but there is no way around it. Your H may not forgive you. That is his right. But you have to tell him anyway. There is no way you can even begin to move forward with this until you come clean about everything.

Also, you must establish NC with the OM for life. Yep, that probably means you will have to change jobs and maybe even move. Hard to do in this economy, I know, but there is no other way. The fog will never clear until you establish complete NC. Is your job more important than your M? I guess only you can decide that.

You're going to get slammed here a lot because, being only 1 week out (and actually, your A hasn't ended at all because you are still in contact with the OM) you are very foggy right now. You are mistaking your feelings for real love, which they aren't. Many of us have been where you are now, but we have the perspective of time and distance to offer. I absolutely thought I was in love with the OM. It felt as though my heart was going to explode when I realized that I could never see him or talk to him again. I didn't think I would live through the pain. I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight and was deeply depressed. It is the hardest thing you will ever have to go through in your life, but it is worth it in the end.

You have a lot of hard decisions to make. Don't assume you know better than everyone else or that your situation is "unique" or "different." Listen to what the people on here tell you. It's the only chance your M has of recovering.

LC, no one has "lashed" out at you. Rather, folks have described the affair in its proper context: an animalistic filthy act. It is not "romantic" and your fellow adulterer is not a "gentleman." I realize it is a shock to hear it described thusly, but this is only because you have been insulated by your own fantasy. Now you can see how others see it. It is ugly, sick and putrid.

What you have done to your husband is one of the cruelest acts one can commit against another human being. It is as psychologically traumatic as a physical assault, rape or the death of a child. It will take your H YEARS to recover from what you have done to him.

To continue to lie to your husband about his own life is cruel and manipulative. You would be keeping him in a marriage on a lie. That would be FRAUD.


By your own admission, you know he would probably want to end the marriage so you know you are tricking and defrauding him into staying with you. ARe you intending on DENYING him the right to leave? Your H has a right to make that decision, NOT YOU. He has a right to know everything about your affair so he can protect himself from you and the OM. To deny him the right to make choices about his own life is cruel, manipulative.................and DANGEROUS.

Your husband is not your PET whom you can keep in a marriage against his will for your own sick, selfish purposes. He needs to be told absolutely everything about the affair as soon as possible. The decision to continue the marriage needs to be HIS, not yours.

You are not qualified to decide his future for him.

If the OM is married, then his wife must told too, so she can protect herself and her children from you and the OM, in addition to getting STD testing.

You will ALL need to get STD testing.

This is a bald faced lie. You have not been honest with him at all. You are defrauding him about his own life. Adultery is about the cruelest act one can commit against her spouse, but to LIE about it is to compound the crime. Your H is not safe around you until you tell him the truth. The solution to adultery is honesty, not more lies.

Telling your husband about your affair is the ONLY way you can truly rebuild your marriage. You see...the LIE is like a desease that will remain a barrier to the creation of real intimacy....indefinitely.

MANY spouses SAY that they couldn't get over an affair but the truth is MOST DO. Especially when the formerly wayward spouse wants to and is willing to repent and make amends.

That being said, your husband HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE THAT DECISION HIMSELF. YOU DON'T HAVE THAT RIGHT TO MAKE IT FOR HIM BY WITHHOLDING CRUCIAL INFORMATION HE IS ENTITLED TO. His heart is NOT SAFE investing in you right now (it MAY become safe once you own your behavior, make amends and become accountable but RIGHT NOW...you are untrustworthy and frankly, not a nice person). Trust me when I tell you that MOST LIKELY he WILL surprise you and make an effort to save your marriage (and boy will THAT make you feel pretty good about him that he values YOU so much that he's willing to set aside your betrayal and try to make it work). However, to withhold the truth is manipulative. He's trying to work on a marriage when he has no idea what the REAL and LARGEST problem truthfully is (which is YOU). Withholding this information makes your husband your PET....not your most intimate loving relationship.

I know this will be a leap of faith for you. But telling him the truth is the most respectful and loving thing YOU CAN DO right now. Continuing the lie is just adding disrespect to disrespect. It's NOT love.

Love him.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - You MUST quit that job...immdiately. Continued contact whether you claim it to be just professional or otherwise, is continuing the affair.

This is so FOGGY!!! Is there a lighthouse around???!! DUDE