Settle in, this is a three page, single spaced document about 1692 words:
I am a BS, I have come around MB about a month or 6 weeks ago with the topic "Is My Wife Having An Affair", and got some good advice from Mr. Wondering, I think Melody, and many others. I posted my wife's recent behavior changes and her computer use with a friend from high school on Facebook. I was advised to snoop. Until the Forum corruption and loss, I was known as "Bye Bye Old Self" but nothing from that exchange is available. So I lost all that good advice.
The last you heard, My WW came clean the next morning and told all, and more than I wanted to know. My last post was about my confrontation, which went predictably badly, then the next morning as my wife first asked for a separation, she then suddenly found my laptop computer open and saw Mr. Wondering's post about her likley going to take the EA underground and to watch for it. She saw the notes from you all that said you were my "secret weapon" and she was even more confused and agitated and was inflamed into a burning hell-ball of rage at my (and your) ripping away her denial.
She was having the EA and then further, "loved him".
Since even before the "D-Day" (is what we call the day it's all called out into the open)? I have been practicing meeting emotional needs of my wife double time. My taker comes out with a rage in my mind at times, and I think selfish thoughts. But she has been listening, and I've been reading Harley's work on keeping it up for at least 6 months. I read about Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, and have been doing that even before D-Day.
So it's working, I think. I did not get a NC letter at first because I wasn't advanced enough yet in these methods, and sure enough when we had an argument about something particularly important to her, I find out later that she "smilied"
the OM's facebook page when he said something, when she went away for the weekend she e-mailed him again. I was getting a strange vibe and when she came back we talked about going one day at a time, etc., etc.. Then in the middle of the night I snooped in her e-mail and saw some responses from OM in a way that she did not think were out there. She had begun the practice of deleting all outgoing and incoming messages, emptying the trash bin so nothing could be recovered, changed a password to another account, and had all facebook traffic routed to that passworded account. I saw all of this before the e-mail switch was set up and it left a few footprints which seemed suspicious and I had enough to confront her with again.
Anyway, yes I awoke her a 4:00 am after I was having a panic attack of sorts, and we talked about this and more and more came out. This was the day we were to go on a recreational companionship retreat to a favorite place on the coast, I recommended a special place and she counter-recommended to go to our honeymoon location from 15 years ago, which is even more special. No pressure, no sex-seeking from me, just plain old recreational companionship and that was it.
Before we went , this 4:00 morning, she admitted to e-mailing OM again, for the purpose of ending it "her way" (instead of ending it my (and your) way as previously noted), or to ensure that she could be just friends with this OM. I had my computer open to NC Letters at the time and was reading to her about how WS's try to negotiate to keep the OM in the loop.
In the end she did write a NC letter which I thought was the best she could do. That was enough for me at the time to at least invest in the recreational companionship trip which we borrowed heavily for, but who cares if a marriage can be built one brick at a time.
The trip went great for the most part... some uncomfortable moments... as Harley describes as you begin re-building. Me trying everything to keep it light and non-heavy.
At the end of the time, I became incredibly anxious and paranoid that I was giving and giving and giving and was not going to get anything in return, (my Taker), not even basic affection or my most basic EN's met... predictably my Taker came out and I had an angry outburst. This did nothing but scare her and withdraw love units. She asked about how to best show affection to me, and on the way home I showed her Harley's "how to show affection" page (at her request). Then when things didn't improve right away, and her touching me and affection seemed so much like the dregs and the crumbs from her table, my taker was awakened again (compounded by almost running out of gas, getting lost in the country, spending 8 hours in a car with a the kids who were not on the best behavior, I started thinking, and allowed these thoughts to grow, that she was not serious about doing the MB stuff and that I was being stupid for doing it as well, that this was going to wind up according to the way she thought, a separation, and finally I thought "I'd better protect myself". I told her these things and of course this was another Love buster, and caused her distress and displeasure. But that's how I was feeling, and I didn't want to talk with her because I thought she was tricking me into giving, giving, giving and she could sit back and take it all in and not give me anything, and maybe, saving her openness for the OM instead of taking my love bank deposits.
You know from my earlier posts that she was not meeting my EN's in the marriage and I entered the "withdrawal stage" and at that point she entered into the EA with her highschool pal.
We finalized this when we got home, both feeling depressed, and I think that this whole thing was like I was essentially wanting to stop putting myself through this. But then she formally agreed to start investing more in the MB informationm and site, and really seemed to want to make this work, and agreed to formally try to learn to meet by basic EN's. I have instincts too and evenutally my Taker will arise and evaluate and I will be tempted to withdraw again.
I realize that her agreeing to do this was the result of a demand and possibly an angry outburst. So how do I know if she's truly interested, or just saying this to try to put out a fire. At least she continues in her individual counseling with someone who is not anti-marriage, and also is taking some antidepressant medications for a variety of reasons, some of which because she feels loss for the EA with the OM, some issues of family members dying, and some issues with identity/ mid-life, turning 40/ no more kids being planned anymore/m issues.
Now I ask you this: As if totally on cue.... enter stage right.... I just met tonight a woman from the workout room. You guessed it... blonde, athletic, shares my interest in sports. My wife has been getting into running as well, though I think her getting into shape and running more was for the OM and not for herself or for me. After the EA stopped, the running stopped too, all her interest has completely faded in this sport, which she and the OM were going to share in a 5k race this fall. This woman that I met is from out west, a special place for me individually. Then also this woman is a worker at my place of work, shares an interest and professional affiliation in healthcare... AND Dum, dum DUMMMMMM.... HAS NOW INVITED ME TO JOIN THE RUNNING CLUB WITH HER, WITH HERSELF AND A FEW FRIENDS!!!! O U C H...... G O D D A M I T! After talking with her and seeing Dr. Harley's words screaming up at me from my mind where I have been effused in it... and after getting the hell out of there, I came home and told my wife about this woman and that she, my wife, should join up with this running group, to resurge her interest in the sport and make some new friends, etc. I have not told her that this woman has the potential of being a distraction in our marriage... half of me beleives that my wife will rather encourage me, perhaps and make it easier for her to leave the marriage. She said that once that it would be easier for her if I was the one having the affair and she could more easily leave.
I've been sitting here tonight responding to other's misfortune and acting like a know-it-all, and in my heart is shooting up, out of no where an interest in this woman, which I will have No contact with... but of course the snake/imp Saccaris (an evil character from Wormwood by G.P. Taylor), comes up and helps me imagine, what if my wife did leave, and called it quits, could this woman be someone who could meet my EN's better and who maybe would want to? WAAAAAAMbulance!!!!!
This is a slipperly slope and I want to be a Marriage Builder. Clearly, I am not going to join the running club with this woman, won't go to the work out room anymore this is deadly stuff. I left no impression of goingm but I'm telling you this is a problem waiting to happen.
Sometimes I feel as though I am suffocating because even in giving and giving to my wife and looking for new ways to meet her EN's and making love deposits, it seems all painfully slow and with my recent angry outbursts, I get warnings from my wife not to expect any miracles overnight. Tonight I did take the WW's guide to recovery and offerred the link *without a demand) to my wife for her consideration when she is ready. I can't force these things down her throat but she can learn about what's been happening with us. Her reply is
I am going to hold off on reading this for now, if that is ok.
I am feeling VERY overwhelmed after today and not ready to read more things about how terrible my actions were, etc. I am just not in the right frame of mind, so I stopped reading after a few sentences. I don't think me having animosity towards this discussion is going to help anything at all, so you are right, maybe it needs to wait.OK Team... lay it on me. Here, you... have a 2x4... and you... here's a broken bottle... and here, you take a length of whipping cord.
-BRING IT!
L2L
Avoid her and stop letting your mind go there.