i am new to this. i think i have read all the rules and stuff so if i break any please let me know.

i am 30 years old. i have been married for 8 years, together 9. we have one child. my husband has had numerous A, probably more than i want to know. as far as i know, i guess they started even before we got married. he confessed them to me about 6 years ago. we never separated but we slept in separate ares of the house for a month or so. at that time i was the only one who went to therapy he wouldn't go.

i thought everything was well and good until about a year ago, when he confessed again that he actually never stopped the A. he says that they are just sex and that's all. he has always been upfront with the women he was sleeping with that he was never going to leave me. he said that every time he he slept with someone he felt ashamed and prayed to GOD to help him quit and then i guess for lack of a better word, someone would throw it up in his face again and he would sleep with someone again. for the most part, all of these have been with just random women met off of the internet. he has said that he never loved any of them and they were just sex. we both went to a christian marriage counselor this time. i saw my husband break down and cry like a child for the first time ever in my life. i honestly think he is remorseful for everthing.

my dilemma is, i know it has been a year since the last revealing but i just can't seem to get over it. i think about it all the time. i think that even though he seems to have cleaned up what if he is still doing it and i am just sitting here waiting for my next "reveal." i honestly feel like the life is sucked out of me. if i can't get my husband on the phone the first thing that goes through my mind is he is at it again. if he comes in from work and showers i want to accuse him of being somewhere. i dont trust him and don't know if or when i will ever again.

i love him and he says that he loves me. i don't want to be bitter and resentful but the A are all i think about. it has been just over a year and i just can't seem to move on. i guess i just want some advise. i don't know if i want to move on but i don't know if i can forgive again and again and again.

again, i am new and i know there are some lingo i haven't caught on to so if i have broken rules or offended someone i am sorry.

Mrs.

I can see and feel how badly you feel about your WH.

Please read more on the site to help answer some of your questions.

It has been said that you dont ever get over an affair you get through it , or even around it until you get to the other side.

But honestly you weill never get over it(them).

Please check out the following links.

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Dishonesty


Be well

Jeeping

Well, my H Affairs have been revealed (dday) almost 4 years ago and they lasted for two years.

I can't say I moved on. We are surely in recovery but not yet recovered.
I dont think about the A everyday but it's still there. And yes I still stress when he doesnt answer the phone specially if he's at any business event.

The thing is, I believe we could be much better if he had on the first months been much more tranparent. Also, his job is full of social events (where most ONS occourred)

So my question is: What is your H doing to make you feel safe?

Do you have access to all his mail, fb, etc over the internet? His phone, etc
Do you still talk about what happened and why?

Trust will take time and triggers might be everywhere.

Your WH's actions have made it impossible for you to heal, either as a couple or you on your own.

With so many A's (possibly a sex addiction?) it may not be possible to salvage your marriage. If you aren't ready to throw in the towel quite yet, I would recommend Plan B. (Of course if you are ready to throw in the towel, I would still recommend Plan B.)

A very short Plan A would be an option for you, but ONLY if you want to do it for your own personal growth as a person and for practice correcting any faults you may have as a wife. (Which are not to blame for the A's - that blame is all his.)

In the case of any type of addiction, sexual or otherwise, Plan A will not affect the WS. The only hope such marriages have of recovery is for the BS to go to Plan B and stay in Plan B, allowing the WS to totally crash on their own, and get help for their addictions all on their own.

That would be my very best advice to you. He needs to leave, you need to cut off communication, and wait to see what he's willing to do to get his family back. Set the bar very, very high.

Willow, you aren't really in recovery, and I think part of you senses that. By 2 years, if your FWS is protecting you and practicing extreme precautions, you will usually be over the worst and beginning to feel safe again. You don't, because he is not protecting you.

My advice to you is pretty similar - be the best wife you can be, take a week or two to list your absolute boundaries, i.e. without these things we have no marriage. Extreme precautions and extraordinary care need to be spelled out in very specific ways. Then lovingly present them to him. "This is what it will take for me to heal. I love you and value our M, so I hope this is what you will choose."

If he balks, ask him to move out and go to Plan B.

PB is not only for active A's, but can also be used when the (F?)WS is NC but still has a wayward mindset of unwillingness to protect their spouse in a way the marriage can recover. If R is still majorly stalled months or especially years out, Plan B is a MUCH better option than limping along till you can't take it any more and get a divorce.

How did the affairs start? What extraordinary precautions have been put in place to ensure those circumstances don't happen again?

For example, if he met them on the internet, do you have parental controls on the computer and a keylogger that sends reports to you so you know what he's been up to?

Where did he go w/them? Do you have a GPS on his phone and is it always activated and with him?