Hi guys,<P>As you know I haven't been around for awhile... Mostly lurking. But now I have a question, I have been talking with my W quite a lot since I posted last. More good than bad. Today while talking with her she said that if we ever got back together that we would have to shut the door on the past and move foreward. I told her that I still had alot of questions regarding what has occured and that if I were to ask her at a later time would she answer me??? She said probably No. <P>Obviously there is progress between her and I, There is alot more going on that I just don't have time to post about right now. But I was wondering if anyone else has heard this and if so is it something that is said now and may change later???? Looking for a little clarity on this. Thank you<P><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

My H told me the same thing when we began talking about reconciling. He wants the past left in the past, never to be brought up again. He thinks we should act like we are just starting a new marriage. So far I have tried to respect his wishes regarding his affair and all the other problems. But - it NEVER leaves my mind. I am haunted by his cruelty and infidelity daily. I cannot find the trust he says I have to have in him. <BR>Good luck to you.

Hi Rutger -<P>Been thinking about you and was going to make a thread asking how you are before I signed off tonight!!! Then, POOF - here you are!!!<P>Glad you guys are communicating and with more good than bad....<P>I have not experienced this, so I can not directly answer you question.<P>I do have some thoughts on it though!!<P>I can understand what she means by closing the door on the past.....that must be done to move forward and does not need to be held over each others head.<P>What she neglects to say (or realize) is that before any "getting back together occurs.....you both should be at a point where you are communicating well, have both realized the problems within the marriage, and recognized what you each have contributed and need to fix and/or change. <P>There should also be an awareness of "tools" (such as Harley's concepts with the Emotional Needs, POJA, etc.) and communication skills improvements!!<P>Without learning and practicing these much needed "tools" - the possibility of falling into the same trap is much greater.<P>So, in essence...she is right to close the door on the past!! As long as you have first opened that window into what it is that past consisted of and how it can be and must be changed to have a wonderful future....that includes your questions and hers (if she has any!!)<P>Hope this helps some.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

Alcoholics Wife,<BR>I do agree that we would be starting a new relationship together and the past is the past, But there are some key points that should be adressed before we close that door. I need to know that she will be absolutely honest with me forever. I think the basis for this will be how we deal with the past right now. I don't need to know specific details, I want to know how she felt during this time, what drove her to do and say the things she said and so on. If we can't bare our souls to each other right now what will the future hold for us? I am willing to stand up in front of her naked, For her to view all my imperfections, all my flaws, and I need her to do the same. That will be where my trust begins rebuilding.<P>Sheba,<BR>Thank you for your concerns, Glad I was able to beat you to the punch. So much has happen that it would take a super long thread to explain everything. Yes we are communicating and I think it is good, I hope she feels the same way. I spent some time with her today and it was easy for me to see why I married this woman. I love her. Pretty simple I guess for a situation clouded by complexity. <P>I do not intend on holding this over her head, I want to move foreward as well. I think we still have a long ways to go before we commit to getting back together. This was just a statement she made while I was talking with her. I guess in a way we were talking about reconcilliation for a split second. For about 2 weeks now neither of us has brought up the "D" word. That's good. I know I don't want it and I think she doesn't either. <P>We are working on the tools to communicate, But we can't truely use them together until we commit to our marriage. We have communicated more in the last few months than we ever did in our marriage, So it is improving without a doubt. <P>Thank you both for your responses...

I was glad to see you here... I was wondering about you, and your situation...<P>Some insight Ive gleened:<P>H feels soooo guilty that if anything gets brought up about any of this mess (that he's still in)then the walls come up and the insecurities become anger.... <P>My H said also that if we ever got together again that we would have to cut all 'talk' of this out.. But with my situation and the OW & OC he can't shut the door there... I really don't think we'll ever get beyond here. <P>Just wanted you to look at your wifes insecurities, because they show up in the weirdest way in disfunctional people..And ALL of us have some sort of disfunctions...<P>cozy

Cozy,<BR>Thank you for your thoughts, I see where the guilt would play a factor. She still seems to think the whole thing is her fault. It is not, It takes two to make a marriage successful and two to make one fail. I think our guilt and insecurities are driving alot of things right now for us both. I guess in time this too will pass. I still know that this can and will work.

Rutger -- I too was thinking about starting a post to see how you were doing. I am glad to hear that things are improving between you and your W.<P>As far as closing the door on the past . . .<P>I think the others have said this already, but if you do not clarify and address the issues which led up to all this in the first place you are dooming your marriage. I know that sounds harsh, but I think I have seen you say the same thing as well.<P>The past needs to be addressed before it can be left in the past. Does that make sense?<P>Anyway, I am glad to hear things are going well for you. I will be praying for oyu guys.<P>God Bless

I agree with Sheba and the others but wanted to tell you what I've learned...<P>H and I have turned a corner in our recovery because we have decided not to tiptoe around the affair and anything that might trigger a memory. Shutting the door on it kept it "special" and msyterious and that hurt me, thus hurting him. His affair and our recovery from it is what makes "us" us and so we make it a part of what we are, when it comes up.<P>Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

Thank you ES,<BR>I think, So far, we have gotten a good idea of what the issues were and are. There is a long way to go but we have the basics. I absolutley agree that we must address the past before it becomes the past. I think somewhere inside her she knows that, How can she not?

Thank you joanie,<BR>A question though, Did it come naturally over the course of time or was it something your H had to give into for you? Did you ask him to open up about it or did it just happen? I know what you mean about it being mysterious, I feel like she is keeping a secret from me and that is not a good way to begin our relationship again.

Rutger, My H also wanted to forget about everything that happened and have it never brought up again. I couldn't let that happen. I don't "hold it over his head", but it is a part of us. It is a part of who we are. I do try very hard not to bring up anything negative, but it does affect how I feel and how I react in many situations. I don't feel that I should have to deal with these feelings alone. When something triggers unpleasant feelings, I feel I should have the right to express those feelings. I am getting better at doing that without getting emotional, and my H is getting better at responding. The past cannot and should not be forgotten. We should use it to build a stronger relationship.

sounds like some small baby steps progress, that can only ge good. I read in other books and also I think in SAA book , that in recovery the couple should talk about the issues that led to the affair. What marriage environment was like before and how you both contributed to getting it there. And also what needs was she getting met by OM and what feelings is she seeking in her life companion. You should not discuss specifics about their relationship or sexual life. I think it can only hurt your recovery and give you more images/thoughts you really don't need. Stick to the reality of the relationships (her affair, you and her). I am waiting for that chance, but I am starting to feel alot like Chris. I am emotionally drained and moving to plan B soon.

Betrayed,<BR>I agree that the past should not be forgotten, I think that it should be used to build a better and stronger relationship. I have a feeling we may start off that way and as time goes by maybe she will want to discuss things. There are indead triggers that bring back memories, And when they come I don't want to hold it inside in fear that it will upset her because it is a closed door issue. I want to share EVERYTHING with this woman, Is that wrong?<P>Izzy,<BR>Hey pal, Thank you for responding. I am sorry that things are not going well for you, But from your post you have a great head on your shoulders. You will be a great partner in the future be it with your W or some other lucky woman. We have been talking about the stuff that led us here, There is so much more and I think that will come out in time. First I still need her to commit before we can really give it our all. I know what you mean about the images, I don't want to know about the specifics because I think it would be to difficult to bear. At the same time though my imagination is probably worse than reality. I am still waiting for what she got from the OM, I have my ideas but I haven't heard it from her. Again time will tell and these are items that we have to discuss in order for us to be in a healthy relationship. That is why I do not want to close the door to the past.

Rutger....<P>I think you & your W need to deal with the past and whatever issues you have questions on, before you can move forward. If you don't, then those past unresolved issues may pop up again because they weren't properly addressed in the first place.<P>Sometimes I have questions about my H's affair (by the way, our marital recovery is going well)..... I ask him whatever questions I have in a non-lovebusting & non-threatening way. That way he will not be afraid to answer any of my questions honestly.<P>You said that you are trying to figure out what the OM has that you have? The answer is probably NOTHING. Just him having an affair with a married woman, tells what kind of character he is. He has no integrity nor does he have any morals.<P>Your W was living in fantasy land and chose him at that time. However, she is with you now.....shows that she woke-up and realized who the better man is.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited October 21, 1999).]

HEEEYYYYY!!! Just read your updated profile for the first time - sounds good, doesn't it? (I have GOT to get around to doing that!)<P>You're doing good. I have my fingers crossed.<P>You're getting a lot of good advice here. You'll know what to do. <P>Keep going.<P>Lori

You DID notice that I kept my post short and sweet??????? Highly unusual for me. Just wanted to point that out! Yay for Lori!!!!!

Rutger....it came over time. I kept getting depressed when these triggers hit me and H would be at a loss to help me. The last time this happened we both decided that we both need to say whatever it is we are feeling or thinking about the affair when it hits us. We can do this because we have arrived at a very strong place in our recovery. I don't think it would have been as helpful say 4 months ago. But it is part of us and we are stronger for it...we need to acknowledge that.<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>