i cheated on my husband i feel horrible about my huge mistake that i made it was at a time when we were both unhappy and he found out and recently confronted me about it he says he doesnt know if he can forgive me that he has so much hurt and anger that he doesnt know if he can get past it and give me another chance he has made many mistakes which i have forgiven i dont want to lose my husband over this any advice would be great thanks

Hi Tsmith,

Details please. How long the affair? Your age? Children? How did he find out?

Don't be shocked if folk jump on you here. We have quite a few WW that can give you solid advice.

My advice to you is to tell everything and do not hold back. Trickle truth always delays recovery and extends your husbands pain. Make a diary so that he can read up the details at his leisure and allow him to ask questions.

How did you meet the OM?

Does your BH know the OM?

Did you write a NC letter?

Does the OMW know about the affair?

Is there NC with the OM?

Have you answered your BH's questions with the truth?

Have you given your BH access to your computer and internet account passwords to verify NC?

Have you gotten a cell phone with real time GPS for your BH to verify that you are where you suppose to be and not with the OM?

How close do you live to the OM?

Who else knows about the affair?

You need do these things to rebuild your BH's trust. It is a long slow process.

I am a FWW in R. It can work. I would like to know the answers to some of the questions posed by The Road, just to figure out where you are in this process.

I am also a FWW. After knowing more details, you can definitely get a lot of help here.

tsmith,

Sorry for you & your husband that you're in this situation.

Answers to TheRoad's Q's wil give us a better sense of where you stand.

There may be a good chance you can save your marriage, but it isn't going to be all-better & forgotten quickly or without lots of tought emotional digging by both of you.

Some things that helped me with my OWN self-inflicted marital train-wreck:

--Complete honesty on your part is essential. "Trickle-truth" will set you back. Trying to "protect" his feelings by hiding secrets from him will set you back & make your marital recovery that much harder. Tell him what he asks.

--Resist the urge to try to explain your actions. While there are explanations, please keep in mind that explanations are NOT the same as excuses (and there ARE no excuses for what folks like you & I did when we cheated). Unfortunately for you, a betrayed spouse is most likely not in any position to be a able to distinguish between explanations & attempted excuses. Don't let yourself come off sounding in his ears like you're trying to minimze what happened.

--Let him be angry & vent. (Remember, you -- the one person who swore to protect him -- have just taken his heart & dashed it to the ground. He's got a right to be upset.)

--No contact with the other man is essential. Any contact will set you back. This is non-negotiable. Non-negotiable.

--If you don't want to lose your husband, tell him so, unequivocally. This is the time to check any pride at the door. You want to be trusted again by him someday, so you're going to have to be willing to commit an act of trust, by placing your heart entirely in his hands, to see if he rejects it or (with time) accepts it.

--Patience on your part is essential. You probably want to forget this ever happened. But you won't; neither will your husband. You can make your relationship with him beter than it was before your affair, and you can get it back to a place where it won't seem like work; but it will take lots of work & patience to get to that place. Think in terms of months & maybe years, not days/weeks.

Are you up for it?

PLease more information......

GloveOil,

That is GREAT advice you gave the OP. I hope she follows it. If my wife had taken that approach with me it would have made a world of difference.

the affair was only a one time deal im 26 we dont have any children he found text message between us i have told him the truth he doesnt believe me thats all it was no he says its over i dont want a divorce but i cant force him to forgive me he says there is no way to forgive me that its too much i dont know what to do i cant stop crying and i cant live with the guilt i keep praying but he wont change his mind or his heart

just want to let everyone know to keep the advice coming because god knows i need it but im new on here and i dont know what some of the abbreviation mean where can i find out what they all mean

the other man was an ex boyfriend yes he knows him not all that well thought im not sure was a NC letter is the other man doesnt have a wife he is single i think nc is no contact right do i didnt right a nc letter i just havent spoke to him he lives 800 miles away so i dont ever see him i have told my husband the truth i offered my husband access to my computer and passwords he says that he shouldnt have to babysit me i dont have a gps phone but there is no way i could be with the other man some of my family and very close friends know about the affair although now he says that he could never forgive me and that he wants it to be over between us no matter what i say or do i cant stop him i dont want to lose my husband i want to have a family with him someday we dont have any children yet i dont a divorce what should i do

ts,

First thing, please stop having relations with your H, you may have STDs and these need testing immediately and some time down the road again. HPV can put you and possibly your H at risk for misc. Cancers. Don't want to sound grim, but these are the facts.

God Bless
NJ

TS,

This could not have been a one time event, you must have been in contact with EXBF for quite awhile and having an extended emotional affair, before the act.

NJ

Sorry, I don't know how to do a link, so I just cut-&-pasted the abbreviations from one of the moderators' posts:

Most Common MB Acronyms (Alphabetically):

BS = Betrayed Spouse
D-Day = Discovery Day
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling Husband
DJ = Disrespectful Judgement
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
FWH = Former Wayward Husband
FWW = Former Wayward Wife
FOO = Family of Origin
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed")
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
LB = Love Bust(er)
MB = Marriage Builders
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SF = Sexual Fulfillment
SO = Significant Other
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WW = Wayward Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")

Relationship Acronyms:
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
DD = Darling Daughter
DS = Darling Son
FIL = Father In Law
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
MIL = Mother In Law
SD = Step Daughter
SF = Step Father
SIL = Sister In Law
SM = Step Mother
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex

MB specific Acronyms (CB MB forum members)
CB = Coined By
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB… NSR... see Inspire (20))
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB… NSR... for Plan A to work!)
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB… NSR/RMA)

Generally accepted Acronyms:
BTW = By The Way
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
EOM = End Of Message

Divorce/Custody Acronyms:
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
FOC = Friend Of the Court
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome
_________________________

Do as gloveoil says. Show your remorse and show repentance. Write a No Contact letter with your H (there is a template here) and let your H post it. And get all of the truth out at once.

Realise that as WWs we can not truly understand the pain that we cause our H. Patience needed.

You have shown your H that you are willing to be transparent - maintain it despite his lack of interest.

Assure him over and over that it is him that you want to be with and do that with actions - spend time with him or if he isn't keen, make sure that he knows you are available for him.

NC = no contact.

How long ago did your husband find out?

Make sure you're being honest. As Jersey said, it seems you were in an emotional affair for a while. I'm guessing that it's not like you just ran into this guy in a grocery check-out line one day & decided, "Hey, let's go screw." You've OBVIOUSLY been keeping in touch, behind your husband's back, and you PLANNED to do what you did, deliberately, and you probably stopped for the same reason I did -- that is, you got caught. Don't go trying to fudge down your guilt, because your husband will pick up on that. Get humble. If you do, you might have a chance to save your marriage (although no guarantee). If not, you're guaranteed to be alone with your pride.

It's natural for him to be crazy-mad with pain/anger right after. That can go away; not saying it will.

"I'm so sorry, please keep me" is one of the things I said. From my knees. Because I meant it.
Might be the best card in the lousy deck you've dealt yourself.

Have you checked out the book "Surviving An Affair"? If not, I highly recommend it.

Do you guys have a pastor or a mutual friend who can speak with you impartially & whom you both trust to have both of your best interests at heart?

i just wanted to let everyone know i spoke to by husband and he says that he's still very hurt and mad about the affair and he still doesnt know if he can forgive me later on or not but i told him i would give him time and space and i would be there for him that i love him and im sorry and hes the only man that i want in my life but he says yeah right now he doesnt believe anything i say really and i cant blame him is there anything else i can do while i give him his space and time im so depressed and hurt by this to i would never risk losing him again he has even lost touch with god if any of the members are spiritual can you please also pray for my husband to forgive me and work on our marriage i want to be the best wife i can be for the rest of our live pray that he lets god and jesus into his heart and then after that me too i dont want to give up on our marriage or him i miss him and love him so much any other advice

tsmithcu,

You really need to do some soul-searching and ask yourself how and why you let this happen. Get counseling if you need to, if you really love your husband and want your marriage to work. You need to dig deep and expose those areas of your life where you are vulnerable and have safeguards in place so you dont hurt the man you care about again. Why would your husband believe you when you tell him he is the only man you want in your life? that obviously wasnt true. Talk is cheap. Show him that your willing to do anything to save your marriage and him. Your actions will speak louder than words. You need to give him all the time he needs, understand you caused this and will have to endure some hard times for awhile. I wish you the best.

�i just wanted to let everyone know i spoke to by husband and he says that he's still very hurt and mad about the affair and he still doesnt know if he can forgive me later on or not but i told him i would give him time and space and i would be there for him that i love him and im sorry and hes the only man that i want in my life but he says yeah right now he doesnt believe anything i say really�

What do you expect?

Talk is cheap.

What actions have you done for your BH to verify the affair is over?

�i offered my husband access to my computer and passwords he says that he shouldnt have to babysit me i dont have a gps phone�

Offering and doing are not the same. Writing a list then leaving it posted next to the computer, and leaving a short cut on the desk top titled WW NC Verification Info.

Same about getting a GPS cell phone. You don�t offer you do it.

�but there is no way i could be with the other man�

Why because you say so?

Why can�t the OM show up in your town tomorrow?

Your affair has given you zero creditability. This has to be slowly rebuilt over time.

Have bothered to search this site on what is a NC letter, how to write a NC letter, how send a NC letter?

jenkins im going through counseling with my pastor i do really love my husband and want our marriage to work he has made a lot of mistakes too stayed with another woman to two sometimes three o clock in the morning when i asked him not to leave me sitting at home while he was with her lying to me saying the husband was there when the other woman was separated from her husband had a secret myspace page sending her sexy messages trying to get a woman that he met online on myspace to send naked pictures to his email address everyone is attacking me but i endured a lot of pain with him too and forgave him i was unhappy about all of this and more someone else showed me that i was worth it and i made a bad mistake i know that but i want our marriage and i want my husband question what are some things that i could do to show him that im willing to do anything to save our marriage thank you for your well wishes