I�ve been reading many of the experiences here in the forum and also the MB website for a few weeks now. Here�s my story.

WW and I have been separated for a little over a year now. We separated because at the time she was being very elusive about her work and friends. When we separated she claims she was not seeing anyone but that she needed space and time.

What really got everything to come to a head was a phone call I made to her work when she was supposed to be there. She wasn�t and when I confronted her about it she became very agitated and said �that�s it I can�t take this anymore�. She asked me to move out but initially refused and that if she wanted to separate she would have to be the one to leave. She made life miserable for the next 2 or 3 weeks and I finally reluctantly moved out in order protect the kids from our arguments.

I really felt at the time that she was seeing somebody but had no proof (sound familiar?). In any case in Dec of 08 she finally admitted to seeing someone (a mutual �friend�) and that they had been seeing each other for three weeks which would have made it late Nov or early Dec. I didn�t believe her then and I don�t believe her now although she still sticks to her story.

My dad passed away in Jan 09 and when I asked if she would be coming to the funeral she said yes but that I shouldn�t think it was going to change anything about our situation. Those words hit hard because I thought they were totally inappropriate regardless of what our situation was. I was devastated and had an epiphany that really made me feel like I was ready to let go of her. I started seeing someone myself in Feb but after about a month realized this was not where I wanted to go. WW is aware of that relationship. It actually pissed her off to no end and I got the �I was going to start working on our marriage but not now� lecture.

I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. I still love her and have been trying to stay on an even keel with her for several months now. We have been getting closer but still have our ups and downs. She has told me she loves me but her actions still tell me she�s still with the OM.

Reading the info here on MB and these forums has been very helpful and now I feel it�s time to tell my story. Seems I�ve been kind of working Plan A but certainly not to the letter. We have become closer and she has been sharing with me but she still has a draw to the OM that she says is hard to let go of. On weekends I have the kids she still prefers to spend her time out partying and I know she�s been with the OM.

Exposure of the PA took place over time and most or all off her family, my family and our friends know about it. Her belief is that since the A started after we separated she is not cheating or having an affair (I�m nearly certain the A started well before we separated in Sep 09). Problem is she doesn�t want a divorce yet either but doesn�t seem to have the desire to really work on our marriage.

In any case, like I said above I feel like I�ve been in a Plan A for some time although didn�t realize it until I found MB. After reading the articles and SAA I know I can do a better job of Plan A but it almost feels at this point that I need to move to Plan B (I�ve already drafted a letter). My gut tells me to stay with Plan A longer since I did it more or less from intuition and without really knowing the guidelines outlined in SAA.

Any advice would be great. And fire away with the questions since there�s no way to outline everything in this initial post.

Plan B, but you may want to start divorce proceedings. You are out of there and she is in party mode. Tell us your demographics? Kids? How old, how long married? DUDE

Profile below. U really feel it's done? I'm not sure i agree.

Bridges are burned. Ashes are falling down. Your relationship is just about completely ruined already... there's only a teeny, tiny chance of recovery, and that's only after her affair has run its course.

Your wife has successfully put you into the corner she wants you in to pursue her affair yet still have your support (cake-eating). Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'd say $200 for a call to the Harleys for personalized advice on saving your marriage -- from a licensed counselor rather than random Internet forum-ites -- would be worth it.

If it were me, I'd move back in right away to perform an absolutely stellar Plan A for a few weeks. No angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgments, ignore her affair like it doesn't exist (except to occasionally be honest about the hurt it's causing to your marriage and children), no demands of any sort, consistently meet her emotional needs better than the other man... then go to a dark, dark Plan B to save what little love I have for her in hopes that after the affair runs its course she'll realize the error of her ways.

But you're banking on a long shot if she's already convinced you to leave your home. And you having your revenge-affair really depleted what little balance she has left for you in her love bank.

No offense, but the age difference concerns me as well...DUDE

Wow. Come here for a little hope and bam. I don't mind a dose of reality but based on the way the situation is right now I don't feel that hopeless. I'd like to move back in but I'm not sure if i have that option. I pretty much have been ignoring her A to the point where she actually feels comfortable bringing it up. Not that I like to here it but isn't that part of meeting EN? Developing a cleaner Plan A is also something I'll work on. I've done Plan B (again more from before I found this site) in bits and spurts and it seems to get her attention but she sucks me back into her chaos.

L4S,

You use the word chaos.

I go to yoga and my instructor has an uncanny knack of saying things about yoga that make me feel better in my personal situation. Previous two sessions were:
1. Pain = growth
2. Experience is what we need to go through

Yesterday he said: "calm has to become chaos before it can beome calm again. We have to ride the storm knowing that calm is on the other side".

Take heart and don't lose hope. It's depressing. I know.

Question....

How has your PLan A been workin for you?

It sounds to me like no glory , no help.

I agree Plan B is the way to go.

But keep in mind , that before you can execute a good plan B , you have to be willing to say goodbye to your marriage and your wife forver.

Plan B is not a trick or tactic , it is the last course you take before plan D.

Jeeping

Looking,

I will totally admit I haven't read on your situation. And a good many people on here think I am stupid, nuts, etc. But if you want your marriage and you want hope, you can believe and have it.

I was one of the worst, hopeless cases and I can tell you that even after TWO YEARS and the A lasting almost 5 years, plus there were many others we are on the road to recovery. We aren't there yet, we have a lot to learn and work through, but TODAY we BOTH desire a new marriage.

So... if you want HOPE. YOU HOLD OUT and let G-d do what he does best. Repairing lives.

I was taught that you are fighting a war and that sometimes the best defense is just simply staying out of the way and letting G-d work.

I was SO AFRAID of Plan B, but it turns out it was the best thing I ever did.

Thanks for the support TM, Jeep and QA. As far as Plan A I've been working that but not ideally as outlined in MB. More off instinct. It's been up and down but since I found this site I've realized I've done some things right and some things wrong. I need to cleam that up and focus more on the positive and stay away from the negative crap.
WW seems to be responsive but she still hasn't or can't make any kind of comittment to R.
TM Great words on the Yoga
Jeep, what do youy mean by no guts no glory? Are you saying go dark and see what happens?
QA your spot on with letting go and let G-d. Been prayin for serenity.

Yes, in all honestly you need to become a master at depositing emotional needs and STOP all love busting.

Part of Plan A is have NO EXPECTATIONS of any kind that anything you may or may not be doing is working. You simply don't know when, if or how anything is effecting them or not. I was totally off base on my assumptions. I think that's why it was drilled into me. NO EXPECTATIONS. Pla A is about making the changes in you. Not worrying about the effect it has on the WW.

As you pray for serenity, ask G-d for guidance on what you need to be doing in the mean time. I am a firm believer there are lessons in this for you as well. So maybe take this time to see where you aren't living such a grand life and seek HIS counsel on the next step.

Heyll NO!!!.....talking about her affair with her as if you are discussing the weather is in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM a part of Plan A. When you do this you make it "seem" as if having an affair is normal behavior. It ain't!

Plan A is advoiding Love Busters, meeting all emotional Needs, and No expectations.

There is a thread called "The Carrot and Stick of Plan A". Read up on it and hopefully it will help clear any confusion you may be having. But talking about the affair so flippantly with your WW is not part of it (which is WHY your conscience is telling you this is wrong)....I suggest you put a STOP to this immediately

Oh and Queenie is right, you CAN save your marriage BUT it is going to take a lot of hard work...... And welcome

not2fun

What you're doing isn't working and you are enabling your wife to be cakeater. You need to read the following and get serious with action to have any hope of saving your M.

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

What it takes for a WS to recover a M.

Harley response to unfaithful wife

By faithful Wife

And go to the Newsletter Forum and read about exposing Affair.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2267126#Post2267126

If you don't take action and be consistent in following through you can kiss your M goodbye.

You can't trust anything your WW is telling you now - she is in a fog and will dish out fogbabble.

GG

L4S,

Look at this from my Musings thread.

Mark

Thanks for the recommendations. been away from the board for a while trying to figure out which direction I should go in. A re-invigorated plan A or plan b. I'm opting for Plan A at this point.

As I mentioned it's been an up and down week or so and there've been times when we've been close and comforting to each other.

Last night i was over the WS house and we had a decent discussion. At one point i got upset, but stayed calm, because she brought up the fact that she's at home most of the time with the kids and i have 4 straight days every other week without them (did i mentioned she asked if I could whatch the kids on the days that she has them this week so she could go on a vacation with a friend? I believe that it honestly was a girlfriend but i wasn't going to enable her to go on a 4 day party binge). I calmly stated that this was not the position i wanted to be in and that the arrangements for the kids were agreed upon prveviously because of our schedules (my work and her school). I also suggested that she always had the option to switch. I could move into the house and she could find an apartment.

Neither one of us really got upset but I said that I needed to leavebecause I was getting to the point where i thought the conversation was heading down hill (I wasn't sure how much longer I could remain calm). When i got ready to leave she went to study and after saying goodnight tot he kids I said good night to her and kissed her cheek. She grabbed my hand and didn't want me to leave.

Good sign I felt even though I know she's still in contact with OM. (She claims they haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks but still talk and txt).

Today I'm thinking about making a suggestion to her regarding ENs. During the past few weeks we've been having some close discussions in regards ENs but they seem sporadic and with really no well defined boundaries. I also don't want to have such heavy discussions every time we see each other. It gets kinda too heavy too often. I'd like to get to the point where we can just have fun also (there's been a few of those but few and far between).

My suggestion would be for us to meet one night a week for an hour or two to simply discuss our needs. No kids, no home. Out some where we can be comfortable and quiet. No distractions, cells included). I've read the part on ENs when only one S is familiar with Dr. Harley's En questionaire etc. I think i can make this happen but my question would be how often should we do this? Is once a week too much or should we spread them out to maybe once or twice a month? Any suggestions?

Lookin,

Do you know who OM is? Is he married or has GF? If yes, have you exposed affair to OMW or GF?

Yes I know who OM is. Mutual friend who is single in his mid 40s.

Update: Today i gave the WW Plan B letter. I was going to work on creating a better foundation with a re-vised pan A but this weekend made that difficult to do because of her deciet this weekend. It just sent me through the roof. I drafted up the Plan B letter and read over it several times comparing it with samples from this site. I waited until my emotion was out of it and decided it was time.

My Plan A has been going on for about 6 months now and has been up and down. Even though not followed exactly as outlined here ( I wasn't aware of this site until about a month ago)I know it had an effect on WW based on some things she has said to me and her most recent behavior.

Problem was she stated she was not seeing OM but was still talking to him. I let her know that that needed to stop alltogether if she wanted to work on our marriage. She said she was aware of that. She also had a brief PA with another OM back in the spring but she says they are only friends now. I said that aslo had to end.

I gave her the letter yesterday, I know it should have been given to her by our mediator but the situation arose quite suddenly yesterday. In any case, she read it and later sent me an F*** U txt.

That's the last contact I've had with her. Is this a normal reaction from a WS who gets a plan B letter? I did not respond and don't intend to based on Plan B but any advice on what i should look for as far has her rection in the future?

A previous affair is a major detail. Have you only just learned of this?

It seems to have taken place at the same time as this affair. Is this correct? Who is this OM?

Hi Sugar. been aware of the EA since last Feb but it became PA after WW and original OM had a brief falling out. Was made aware it was physical in July. Since then she has re-established her A with original OM.

BTW I also let my 18 yr old S read the plan B letter. He has been aware of the situation since day 1 and has little respect for his mom.

I want to speak with my 7 and 9 yr old Ss about the plan b letter also. is this a good idea? How would you approach them about it? They are somewhat aware of what's going on.