not all WS are the same...yes I loved my kids
I loved my H

I hated, hated, hated myself...what I did was about me, not them or my H...my actions hurt my H, they hurt my kids - but saddly it wasnt about them...thats what being wayward is - so focused on yourself and your issues, your wants, your needs...often a BS cant see that the A is more about the waywards seriously messed up mind...

so yes a Wayward can love their kids - some are so selfish and self centered that they believe their lies to themselves that it wont hurt the kids...some - once they see the truth change...others i guess are still to selfish to care.

Yeah, I think my XWW loves the kids. But, she loves herself more, I think.

I think many waywards do love their children, but when their selfish interest collides with the child's best interest, selfish interest wins out every time.

And that even extends to USING the child to further their selfish interest. How many times have we seen a WS who introduced the child to his affair in order to give it a false air of respectibility?

My own father cared more about being my "friend" than being my father in order to feel good about his wrongdoing.

Yeah, my insane XWW , brought this guy(whose [censored] i am still contemplating kicking), right into our daughters lives.
As soon as she moved out, this guy was snaeking into their house every night after the kids went to sleepand sneaking out in the morning before they arose.
Their 'loving" mother began barricading her bedroom door at night, preventing the kids form entering in the event of a bad dream or sickness, so as to keep this guy a secret. She actually told our kids that she was doing this "in case burglars came into the house".
So, while I am sure she feels affection toward our kids, perhaps there is a distinction to be drawn between love and fondness.
Maybe I'll head over tongiht and kick this guy's butt. How am I fixed for bond $$?
I know my dad loved us kids. Never stopped him from driving around from Tavern to Tavern with us kids in the car, puking his guts out the driver's door, drivig with one hand and his head hanging down by the street( we did get free popcorn and beer nuts, though, and every bartender in town would give me free cokes if istopped in).

OMG, ML...No I absolutely cannot imagine that. That is horrendous.

You know, some guys just don't desrve kids.

I definitely love my kids. I never even stopped loving my H, not even during my A. I think waywards can love their kids. Of course, every wayward is different. Any man who could walk out on his family with a kid clinging to his leg crying certainly seems heartless and incapable of real love. I couldn't even imagine doing something like that.

I think the selfishness often causes waywards to do things that are not in the best interest of their children, that's for sure. When I was involved in my A, I was not putting the needs of my kids first. It doesn't mean I didn't love them, but I certainly wasn't taking into consideration how my actions could affect them. I didn't introduce them to my AP or involve them directly in my A in any way, but that doesn't mean my actions didn't affect them.

For me, it was the realization of what my actions could mean to my children that ultimately made me end my A, to a large extent at least. In my case, the OM started talking about moving to where I lived (he lived 3000 miles away) so we could get married and he could be a father to my kids. He basically wanted me to move my H out of my house and move him in. Nice and neat. It scared the crap out of me and finally made me wake up and take a good long look at what I was doing. I couldn't even imagine putting my kids or my H or anyone in my family through something like that.

Yes, this is what mystifies me about my XWw, as well. I mean, I can see , she obviously cares for her kids. But , going this far, seems incomprehensible. IS this degeneration into abject self interest gradual, or aomething that has always been within, but remained dorman.
People are very complex.

Not really. I think those in a wayward mindset don't think much of the future effects of their actions. For example, in your XWW's mind, she probably thought she was showing a great deal of care for the kids by keeing her activities with the OM hidden from them. She wasn't considering the likely future effect of her actions.

My FWW did allow our kids to interact with the OM at least once, but it was NEVER with the suggestion that he was some sort of special person to her.

Im still gonna go with the "abducted by aliens" theory.

My ex moved POSOM into the house the minute she filed a protection order to get me out of the house.

My H ended up telling my kids, which was a very good thing. My DD had already imagined something terrible, and she was afraid it was her fault. My DS never really seemed to notice anything, but he's not a big talker, so we could never know for sure. DD and I have generally discussed it a couple of times - she's 13 now so she definitely gets it. DS and I haven't talked about it. He is 11 now, so I know he knows the "facts of life." I don't know if he has really connected the dots yet.

I can't think of any reason kids shouldn't know. They sense way more than we give them credit for, and do we really want them drawing their own "It's my fault" conclusions? I think it sends the message that covering something up is fine. Not something I want my kids to learn. And if my DD goes through some kind of rebellion and throws it in my face, then the fault is mine. If I had never cheated in the first place it wouldn't be a problem.

I have a hard time accepting that WS's love their kids when they can do so much damage to them and much of it openly. Sure, they may hide their AP and activities from them, but even the risk of the affair itself on ripping the kids' family and home apart is akin to holding a baby out a 17-story window. If they do love their kids, it is not true parental love. It is a selfish love - as in, any gesture the make towards their kids is really a pat on their own back for being so wonderful and loving. It is not for the benefit of the kids.

I agree....Esp. when it is a LTA and the WS leaves the family for OP. I dont think that these people even know how to love another person, even their own children...They only love themselves, truly...

I guess I agree that it must be a different type of love than one typically thinks of. Same with the assertion that a Ws never stopped loving the BS.
I think if we look at this realistically, it is hard to reconcile the actions with the profession of love. I mean, as Harely points out, it is abuse. Does a guy that beats his wife really love her? Does a woman that beats her husband really love her kids? Hard for me to accept.

I always thought that the love a mother has for her child was unsurpassed, even by a fathers love...but it has been proven here time and time again that there are mothers who do this to there children and fathers who would never dream of hurting them.

My guess is that these people may be missing something inside of them that doesnt allow them to truly love anyone...I mean how could they leave there family so distraught and many of them never look back...

I would do ANYTHING for that little boy of mine and I see many on here that would do the same and have...That is what is missing..putting their childs needs over their own selfish, childish needs.

And I really am not referring to the waywards who go back to their family and realize they made a huge mistake and are willing to do what they can to heal their family...I consider that to be different, everyone makes mistakes, its what you do after that counts....IT IS WHAT YOU DO AFTER THAT COUNTS!

Leaving a spouse or family that loves you and would do anything to try and save the family, for OP, is just incomprehensible to me...

I still think that one day someone is going to discover a virus that causes people to be wayward, or something similar. And certainly, some people are born "missing" whatever this is. When you really think of it, you wouldn't treat an acquaintance or even a total stranger who you care nothing about in the manner that a wayward treats their spouse and children. Common courtesy would prevent it.

I agree, Tabby...I mean they say that serial killers have damaged frontal lobes, neglect or abuse in childhood. It is like a formula to make a serial killer.....I am sure that there is a formula for waywards that leave their family, and I am pretty sure it has to do with BRAIN DAMAGE....

And the worst part is that they do treat their family worse than a total stranger and they STILL dont see that they did...My WH thinks the way he treated me and DS is perfectly acceptable.




PS I am not saying that waywards are like serial killers or anthing like that..

Thank you for making that distinction. I don't see how anyone could abandon their family for good either. It was the thought of losing my family that finally snapped me out of my A.

I have a friend who abandoned her H and 3 kids for a man she met over the internet. She just picked up and ran off to Texas to meet him. She ended up in a very abusive relationship. In the meantime, her ex-H met someone else, remarried, and moved away with the kids. By the time my friend figured out she had made a huge mistake, she could no longer locate her ex-H or her children. She has since left the abusive relationship and remarried, but she hasn't seen her children in many years. She had her tubes tied after the birth of her last child, so she can't have more children. I only see her every once in awhile now, but the whole thing makes me unbelievably sad every time I think about it. I know she has suffered and that she regrets the things she did to her family. But her mistakes can't be undone. She lost the opportunity to watch her children grow up because of her selfish actions. That's something she is going to have to live with for the rest of her life. I don't know how her children are doing. Her oldest would be 17 now.

It just makes no sense to me how a mother or a father could simply walk away from their family like that and never even think about the consequences.