?<p>[This message has been edited by Latrice (edited August 15, 2000).]

Latrice--<P>I think it's your own need that will dictate how much you want to hear. Seems like some people are satisfied with basic information about their spouse's affair, and others must hear every single detail before they can get over it.<P>You might want to start out asking basic questions and, depending on how you feel with your H's replies, ask for more information as you need to. Small doses at one time might be best, for both of you and your H.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Hello -<P>I've heard that if you ask, be prepared to hear things you may not want to know!<P>Also, do you consider him truthful? If you think he will be honest I would go ahead and ask, but there are a lot of reasons to lie; sparing your feelings, guilt, etc.<P>And also have a plan to handle hearing the things you don't want to know.<P>In my case he says "This is why I lie because you always get p***d off!"<P>So I haven't handles it well, good luck to you.<P>jt<BR>

My h affair was with a friend so I had lots of questions. I asked the ones that I really needed to know. There are still some that I would like to know, but not really. Knowing is aweful, but so is not knowing. The only thing about asking the questions is that it makes your h relive everything all over again. I am at the point that I need to let things go. I don't want him reliving anything that I ask him. He does that enough on his own. Ask what you can't live without, be prepared for him to be depressed afteward because he will be thinking of her. Hang in there. This whole process stinks and there are no good answers. We are 8 wks into withdrawal. Things seem to be getting better, but there are still times when he just checks out mentally.<P>------------------<BR>Mary<BR>

I have a feeling he will get upset if I ask. But if he loved me wouldn't he tell me so I can get over it? I want to know the whole truth so I can learn to trust him again. He thinks that since he apologized that the subject is closed and we should live happily ever after. But everytime he walks out the door, I cringe!

When I originally found out, I asked a few things, but had many questions remaining. I kept them inside for many months. When I finally did ask, the constant wondering stopped, but I now have more "triggers" which cause me to start thinking about the affair. (places they went, cars, streets, etc) I am glad I asked, it was hard to hear, very hard, but the answers I got were not as bad as what my mind was making up.<P>About 3 weeks ago, I found out who she was, and since then, I have even felt better. I was imagining someone VERY pretty, and she definately is not. I still can't believe that he liked her. It made me realize it was caused more so by lonliness than him looking for something physical.<P>I guess it's really a tough call. I agree that you need to be prepared for the worst answers, if you ask the question. I know that I was lucky (if that's possible in an affair situation).<P>PS. I agree with you that they should be willing to answer ANY questions you have. I know many aren't, my H was. I don't think I could have dealt with things if he still was trying to hide things from me.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Shoni (edited August 18, 1999).]

Latrice -- The betrayed do have a right to know as much as they feel they need to. Often it is the betrayer who is reluctant to talk about things, and in some cases even admit that an affair ever took place.<P>Yes, you do need to prepare yourself to hear things you will not like. I guarantee that you H will say and tell you things that absolutely tear you apart if he is willing to talk at all.<P>The decision you have to make is how important is it for you to know those details. That in and of itself can be a very difficult question to answer. Only you know how much you want/need answers.<P>In my case I needed to know EVER detail. It hurt almost as bad as finding out about the affair itself. But that is how I process things, and without the details, I flounder.<P>It will ultimately be up to your H however, if you ever get any of the information you want. You will need to evaluate how important this is to you, then you need to explain that to your H. There are many many ways to have these conversations, but none of them are easy.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Be careful what you ask for . . . You just might get it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Keep this in mind, because the details will hurt.<P>I wish you luck and will be looking forward to hearing how things turn out.<P>God Bless

Latrice:<P>Details are a hugh OUCH! When my H 1st fessed up, I asked a zillion quesions, boom, boom, boom, one right after the other. Don't think I shut up long enough to give him a chance to answer any of them! I had always had this funny gut feeling something was up, but when he told me in front of the counselor at the 1st session, WOW! He told me I didn't need to know the details. Even the counselor agreed that details were not important, and they would only hurt me more. To this day, 3 months after being told about this affair, I WANT ALL THE DETAILS!!! I want to know, where they went, how they "did it", how often, what she looks like, I mean I want every minut detail, knowing fully that it will sting badly. But I don't care. The not knowing kills me more....

It will HURT...BUT...I thin kit is worth it. <P>I asked all of my questions up front. (or most of them at least...the only questions that I have left are kind of silly and will be answered in time.) It did hurt but the nagging NOT knowing would have been far worse. I couldn't disagree with your councelor more. I think you need to know details to help you heal. Some people need more some less. I needed (like you) to know everything. EVERYTHING...even what some people here would call the gory details.<P>In the end I'm glad that I have all the knowledge that I need. It helped me heal. It helped me to know that he was being honest. He was willing to tell me everything, even through tears at times.

Latrice,<P>I also had the need to know and my W was willing to tell me everything ( I THINK).<BR>Not too sure if that was my wisest decision of the whole thing. I still occasionally OBSESS!!! However I do comend her for having the guts and strength to do so.

Latrice,<P>There have been times when I have felt that I had to know ALL of the intimate details too. But thank God I haven't asked too many questions because I know me and one thing will keep leading to another and most likely hamper our healing process. <P>A friend once told me, to be careful of the questions I ask, unless I really want to know the answers. <P>I am not sure what purpose it would serve to know all of the details because it doesn't change the fact that these things happened. I think It will only hurt you more. But then If you are like my best friend, Ms. Channel 7 News at 6:00 with Rick Sanchez, go ahead and ask! (LOL)<P>I'll keep you in my prayers.

I had a man who once cheated on me and I asked every single question about his affair. I had every right to know who she was, where they went, everything. I had the right to be angry and hurt, and to experience these intense emotions in front of him so he could see the damage he had done to our relationship. I found out who she was and made if very clear to her that I was not going to take someone coming in and trying to rob me of a my marriage. <P>My question to Latrice is you were only married a month and he was sleeping with another? chances are he was sleeping with her before you were married and you never had an honest beginning. He can vow that he will never fool around again but I would make him prove it to you time and time again until you don't "Cringe" every time he walks out of the house. You don't trust this man and considering your time line, if I was you, my gut would say, get out while the gettin is good!

Latrice - <BR>I asked many questions of H and he answered them honestly. That hurt. If you asked be prepared to feel pain. I am just nosy, I had to know. I would have been wondering and my imagination would have driven me crazy. <P>I'm not telling you what to do, just be prepared to hurt. I needed to know where they were, what happened, how they met, what things they shared because I didn't want to do something that reminded him of her.<P>It's not easy, but hopefully he will be honest as mine was. He needs to understand you will ask some questions over and over until you get an answer that pleases you. I did and it drove him crazy answering the same questions but now I know what I needed to know. Communication is very important. I hope you make the right decision.<P>dc

In the initial stages, I, too, wanted to know all of the gory details. W responded with some minor lies and refused to answer most of my questions. It's been four months since discovery and I have come to realize that, for the most part, I don't want to know the details. I would much prefer the opportunity to try to resolve some of the issues between us.<P>She's not allowing that now, and even though she has said on three different occasions that she would agree to joint(marital) counseling, when push comes to shove, she says she doesn't want to right now, she's not ready, etc.<P>I may have made things worse last night, but I told her that if we did go to counseling, that I could assure her that I wouldn't use it as a forum to conduct and "inquisition". She had no reply to this, because, I think, she is close to making the decision to divorce.<P>I am the type of person that knowing everything would haunt me the rest of my life. So even though there is a part of me that is desparate to know, I have made a conscious decision not to ask. It was hard to do, but for me it was necessary.

In the beginning I too needed all the details. And he gave me some....and I later found out many were untrue! So that leaves me questioning (only in my mind) the ones I cannot possibly verify. So IMO knowing the detail is a double edged sword. You see I think the details help in your recovery but only those that are actual facts....and if you cannot trust someone (and in my case I can't) you don't have valid facts to go on.<P>I'm having a hard time expressing my self on this one.....but unless the details will help the two of you sort through this mess, I think they do more harm then good.<P>I wish you the best in this mess!

I really appreciate everyones advice. I tried to ask him for the details, but froze! In his mind everything is going good between us and I was afraid he might get angry. I want to know, but he gets angry when I show signs that I don't trust him. He made the statement "I have apologized and if you don't trust me then whatever." Giving me the impression that if he thinks I don't trust him, then he is not going to try to make our marriage work. He thinks his apology meant that I should trust him whole-heartedly. Which I don't. I don't want him to stop trying to make our marriage work. What do I do, because I do want to know? I hope I'm not confusing everyone

Latrice, I am in the same position as you. He gets upset when I ask questions. I think its because of a couple of reasons:<BR>1: The behavior is embarassing for them.<BR>2: The fear the marriage will end because of <BR> the details.<BR>3: They are terrified to hurt us, so if they<BR> make it vague, they are still safe in <BR> denying that SEX actually place. Since <BR> they were not the victim, its easier for<BR> they to sweep under the carpet.<P>My counselor advised that the details are not for everyone. If you are like me perhaps the details are not important. <BR>I could not stop obsessing. Where he was, if he said he loved me, what he was wearing, what car he took out, if he had his ring on etc etc..<BR>My counselor had put me on Paxil to stop my obsessive thoughts. They were controlling my life. Now that the paxil started working at least I am free from obsessing, but I still wonder, but only sometimes.<P>What my husband did say is that It had nothing to do with me and that I am wonderful.<BR>I am satisfying my self with the fact that he was "swept off his feet" because of his mid-life crisis. I think someone different just came along and boosted his deflated EGO.<BR>He got swept into the whirlwind.<BR>What IS important to me is the fact that is is OVER. I still keep looking for signs.<BR>

Rainieb-<BR>I think you are right. Because my husband also tells me that it isn't my fault that he has cheated and I am a good person. Even though I don't feel that way. I had to have done something wrong....<BR>They love trying to sweep the affairs under the rug like it never happened and we should just forgive them, just like that. I think the details will help me trust him more. I feel honesty is the only way I can put things in prospective.

Latrice,<P>Is it possible that you did nothing wrong? And if you did, its up to him to communicate that to you prior to him choosing another woman to "solve the problem".<P>I kept telling my husband, "I must have done something wrong". I said it over and over again.<P>Sometimes, depending on how fragile the ego is, their needs are just so tremendous at that time, someone else comes along and makes them feel extra special. Something they feel foolish about later on. Hopefully what brought my H out of it, was that our marriage was crumbling because of it.<P>I hope he loves me enough that it will not happen again, because he knows he will lose me.<P>My point is, yes the details are important for you, but If you never ever find them out, or if you did something wrong or not, how will you ever come to terms with it?<P>I felt so guilty about my H's affair, that I caused it, but his reassurance and love shows me he was the one that was deficient in some way.<BR>Let me know.<BR>

I'm going to jump in here as a betrayer just to say that not wanting to answer questions about the affair is not necessarily a desire to sweep everything under the rug and forget about it. I talked about the feelings I have when my H questions me about the affair in a thread called Why does H want to know all the details. I should add also that I have burning questions myself about the OP. How is he doing, etc., but I have decided that I will never know the answers. Some things are not resolved by knowing details but by looking at the conditions which led to the situation and looking at ways to move beyond it. This is extremely difficult for both the betrayed and the betrayer!<p>[This message has been edited by TryingAgain (edited August 25, 1999).]