(( Catgirl))

I really feel for you, it really does stink that it looks like they are getting all the rewards. I know I would feel the same way if my exWH marries the OW. I would much rather see him with anyone else but her.
I know that this may be easier to say but I have been where you are... focusing and putting all my energy into what they are doing. You need to let it go, this is eating you alive. Focus on the small positives in your life. Each day think of one thing to be thankful for... soon you will see the many blessings that you do have in your life.
It worked for me. I started with being thankful that I had a job that I love, my kids who I love more than anything on this earth, finding somrthing that I had been looking for. Look at the good in your life not the "good" in the waywards life.

(((Cat)))

Still

Still,

Yes it is eating me alive, it's just so hard not to think of what they have.

And you are right, I think it would have been alot easier if he would have remarried someone else, not the person that had a role in destroying my family.

She had a H herself, she knew ExH had a wife and kids, yet she went after him anyway.

Another thing that is getting harder for me is that now that they have a new baby, they are going out with DS as a "family" when ExH has him for visitation. DS, ExH and OW never really went out much when ExH had him, it was either ExH had him alone or took him to his home with OW there.

Now that the new baby is here they are going shopping, out to eat etc. like one big happy family. It hurts me to think people/strangers look at them and think my DS is hers!

Silly stuff to clutter my mind with, but that's what I'm dealing with now...

Cat

Prettypearl, what have you done with yourself over the last 20 years? Did you have children? Did you remarry?

Cat, unfortunately there are affairages that last. I know that the stats say less than 3%, but it sure seems like there are more. I know of a few myself. In one case I know that the WH had extreme guilt. But whatever happens, your WH's new marriage will eventually turn into the typical marriage. That means there will be a screaming child, dirty dishes, trash to take out, toys to pick up, bills to pay, overtime at work, and bad hair days. Will they make it? Maybe. They have both already proven that they are more likely to bail than do the hard work. But by that time, you won't care.

I agree with whoever said that you are wasting time by giving it so much attention. That takes emotional and creative energy away from getting on with your life. Set a goal Cat. Whatever it is, throw yourself into it. Maybe it's to get a better job, more education, finding a date, whatever. Think about what you want your life to look like in ten years and go for it. Get a plan and work it. You will never forget the hurt, but if you focus your attention to something else it may not eat at you so much.

Hi Chai
Nope, no children and I didn't re-marry or re-partner. Not even really "dating" over those 20 years. I tried it a bit but didn't like the whole scene and would rather stay home with a good book! I still have zero self esteem after being dumped by the one I thought I was going to be with forever and who I dearly loved.

I really don't want to sound like "woe is me" as that is not my life at all. I have a fantastic network of friends (mainly divorced women) and we have terrific times together. I also have a fabulous job that I love and that pays well and I really enjoy coming home to my beautiful apartment each night. The thing that sticks in my craw is the fact that they were the cheaters and they've prospered unbelievably. It's just not right but then hey, what's the old saying "life's not fair".

I could even make mischief with them if I so desired by calling his ho wife and telling her about the times he's called me expressing regret over what happened with us, inviting me out to lunch, dinner etc. but you know what - I couldn't be bothered. They deserve each other.

Cat,

Our exWH made a choice to have an affair and leave us. It was a decision that was taken away from us, especially for us who didn't want the divorce and did everything we could to save our M. We have a choice to make also, are we going to let thier choices define who we are?
Are we going to make the choice to stop looking at that closed door and ignore the door that God has opened for us? I had to stop looking at the closed door. Yes it still stings when I see obits about the beloved spouse left behind, wedding and anniversary announcements because I'll probably never have that with my childrens father. That doesn't mean I will never have that with someone else. You know the moment I stopped dwellng on my closed door it wasn't a few weeks later I met a great guy. If I had continued to be focusing on my ex I would of missed a great oppurtunity (sp?).
Cat I never thought I could be happy again, I never thought that I would feel love for another man. You know what I am the happiest I have been in many years. When I was in IC my C was always telling me I don't know what it is to have someone really love me (she also knew my ex), because what I was getting from my ex wasn't love. She would also tell me that when I did meet a special someone that I would be amazed at what it like to really be loved and think why the heck did I waste so much time thinking about ex. She was right.
D treats me like I finally realised I deserve to be treated.
Don't rush into dating if your not ready, but don't close yourself off to the possibilty either. It took me a long time to get here, I am healthier emotionally then I would of been if I started to soon.
Recently I had a new family portrait done of my new family (sans exwh), the photographer had us sitting in the distance on a log looking up stream. After he used creative license and changed the sky... to one that had clouds in the background and a beautiful sunset in front of us. You know what he told me, that he was compelled to do that because of of the hurt and pain we had been through is now behind us and the beautiful things are in front of us.
Cat look to the beautiful things right in front of you.

Still

PP, I dont even know you and it sticks in my craw too how they have seemed to prosper too!! You deserve a good relationship...get out there and find the love you deserve...and I am SURE that there is another good person deserving of your love, There are a lot of good people that would love to stay home with you and read a good book...You sound like a very loving and caring person...Spread it around, it sounds like that is what you need but you wont find it if you dont try....I think you are ready!

There are good people out there, I dont think I would beleive that either if I didnt read their posts on here...There out there...

There are some good people out there. THere are a boatload of divorced(betrayed) women out there. DUDE

Just please do not get into a relationship with those divorced betrayed people and then tell them you want to change to being friends with them and go back to your spouse.

Like your own wife?

I dont think that will happen, PP hasnt been with her spouse for 20 years...

Touche! DUDE

Well, at least you got some sort of apology and regret. That had to at least give you some sort of closure. Most of us only wish that we could get something even close to that.

So if he is so happy, then why did he keep calling you? Gotta wonder....

Good point, Chai...

Yes you're right Chai - why indeed contact me if they're so "happy"! And let me tell you this went on for YEARS, him calling me on a regular basis to say hello. It wasn't until I discovered this wonderful site and got a bit of a clue that I started to Plan B him about 3 or 4 years ago and stopped taking his calls.

I have put my toe into the dating scene and have had a few pleasant "dates" but I'm totally out of my comfort zone doing so. I will push on with it though as I know there's someone out there for me. I have lots to offer a good man. You've only to read posts on here to know there are fantastic, decent people in the world. The level of disrespect some of these people on these boards have to tolerate from their spouses just confounds me.

Thanks for your kind words Stillhere - much appreciated.

Good for you

They all have a crisis of conflict at some point that sends them reeling back to those from there past. Like they some how suddenly discovered a 12 step program.

My Ex husband and I had a lot of difficulties.

I was a WW. I came home and by his encouragment we started marriage counseling to try to save our marriage.

Somewhere along the way XWH went nuts and began a revenge affair with a woman who suspiciously was introduced to him by his best friend (ex girl friend before me). In the end He decided to leave our marriage and family (our son was 1 years old) to be with OW and her adolescent son.

The had a complete plan to be a ready made Betty Crocker family...and I was to be best friends with OW.

Did I mention i am Italian?

XH did not like my reluctance to obey into his perfect fantasy. He started cutting out things like helping with the baby, helping me when I was sick. He was always to busy. My fight and love died for him when he left me to suffer and didn't seem to care what happened.

I became VERY sick. I was so sick I could not hardly get off the couch...I had severe migrain that debilitated me. I begged him to take me to the hospital because I had never had anything like this. He refused said it would cost too much and then said he had to go he had "plans".

My family stepped in furious with him. My uncle drove 2 hours to take me to the hospital since I couldn't drive and he watched the baby while they tended to me. I recieved 2 bags of fluids as I was severly dehydrated, an MRI, and lots of Pain meds.

When i was released my uncle took me to his home he had here in our area to rest. He called my XH and MADE him take the baby.
The next day my family called the hospital because they thought I had been admitted. There was a miscommunication and they thought I was missing.

My XH called crying fearful of what had happened to me.
When i returned to my house where he had stayed with the baby I was going through some computer files and noticed a chat log. XH had been talking to OW from MY computer. They were making plans to take our son (who was to be no where near OW) to a local aquarium for a secret day out. But my Missing status ended up ruining there plans. God was watching out for us that day.

I packed that bit of information away and never said anything to XH about it. I was so disgusted with him leaving me to die I let my anger help me move on.

That was 5 years ago.

Today I only talk to XH on child related matters and I could really not care less what he and his wife (ow) do. I know Karma has hit them numerously since this all went down. I left it to god and he did what he saw was fit.

Well about a year ago XH called me confessing a lot of things. I was thinking ok.....well the past is the past move on ok I have. Then he tells me about the plan they made and apologizes profusely for what he did.

I simply told him...I know. I have always known about it.

The silence was deafening. He then said OK well I will talk to you later and that was that.

Waynerds are generally really slow. Eventually tho it all catches up to them.

I was hospitalized with a tumor in my chest when my son now 8 was 6 mos old. I remember my H stayin in the hospital with me crying being so comforting, sayin he didnt know what he would do if somethin happened to me....flash forward to after dday when son was six years old....I tried to commit suicide but chickened out before it was too late...the nurses told me if I didnt get help I would have died, They had to shock my heart in the ambulance and I was having seizures....

The first thing I remember is waking up to my WH saying how selfish I was to attempt suicide and that the nurses told him I almost died....WH said just tell the doctor that my he loves someone else now and doesnt love me anymore...Then I was put in the phsychiatric ward when my WH came to visit he was adamant about the fact that I needed to know that he didnt love me anymore and that he loved someone else....They brought my mother in and he made sure he told her too...

I have never in my life felt such pain....and to this day he could care less if I live or die...I dont know what I did to make this change in him, which of course his change of heart, according to him, is because of stuff that I did....He recently gave me back my suicide notes and said these read very sad...not I am sorry I put you thru this....

After all that he has done to me I still love him, but I dont know If I could really ever get past the way he treated me the mother of his only son... I really dont think he will ever get it.

stillhere8126, it's not something you did what could in any way justify a behaviour like this on his part - I beat myself up for months as I thought it must have been something I did to make WH change so drastically.I think I know better now - it doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes, because I did - who doesn't - having said that, it doesn't justify the bahaviour.

Yeah, I guess I know that deep down, BSFY...