Hi
( this is kind of long, and for that I apologize)
My husband had been using Facebook chat with a woman from work. ( he is in the army, and was her "boss"). It seemed to start innocently enough, but soon he was chatting with her for two or more hours a day- even eating his supper in front of the computer sometimes. After about two months of that, I told him that it bothered me, and he agreed to stop, but told me that he considered her a good friend, and asked if it would be okay if he took her out for coffee to explain to her why he couldn't do that anymore- it made no sense, but I agreed. He was gone for about three hours, and when he came back, he seemed "different'. The next day ( this was during the first week of this past July) he told me that he wasn't happy with me anymore, that while we had "fun" together, he didn't feel the same way about me, and he didn't know what to do. We talked, and he said he wanted to stay and work on things, and agreed not to have anything more to do with that girl outside of work. That seemed fine, and we had a nice day. The next day, he got an email from her saying that she had a "problem' and would he come over to talk about it. He asked if I would mind- i told him yes, but he went anyway. he came home about five hours later- and I got angry with him. He burst out with" I'm not happy, I want a separation", and then he left and started staying at her place- told me he was sleeping on her couch. He had to come home every day to do courseowrk on our computer, but he'd go back to her place after wards. He would tell me that they went places together, etc. Then about a week later, he left his email open, and i found email from him to her going on about how much he loved her, etc. I freaked! We had it out ( I told him that he could lose his job, be charged with harassment, etc. if he didn't stop seeing her)- he said that he would, and that he wanted to work on things, but still be separated, and that he wanted to start staying at home but in a separate room again. That was okay. A few days later ( the end of july) he started staying out all night again, wouldn't tell me where he was or how to reach him ( we have three kids, two of whom are autistic, and one of them has other medical issues too). I went out with my kids for a walk one night ( he was never home by this point) and I walked by a house that turned out to be her house and there he was with her in the driveway. It was awful! The kids went running up to him crying" daddy', and I yelled at him ( I never yell) and asked him if that meant things were over for good- he said yes, and I left with he kids and started walking home. He followed me, and got angry with me saying that "I didn't want hi to have any friends". Arrgghhhh!!!!
He kept coming and going for the next few days, and we talked and he said we had problems, but that he would agree to see a marriage counselor. The night before we were supposed to go, he went out ( he was going out every night anyway) and didn't come home until the next afternoon. I was really angry, and asked him if he still "seeing her". He finally admitted he was, and I just gave up. I called the base duty padre and reported what he was doing ( it's a big "no no in the army) and called a lawyer about a divorce. I told him what I had done, and was so upset, but also told him that I felt really stupid, as I still loved him and would still try and work on things. he started to cry and said that he wanted to. We went to see the counselor together- she was great,and as far as I know he stopped seeing that other girl ( we are all in our 30's) and hasn't seen her outside of work since. That was in mid August. We kept seeing the counselor, and tings seemed to slowly be getting better> he put his wedding ring back on, etc.
The problem is that he deployed for six months in October to Afghanistan, and things really hard for me. He says that he loves me, but i get all freaked out if I don't hear from him on email every day ( not fair, I know), and I find myself wondering how he really feels about me. About a week before he left, we were talking and he wanted me to tell him how I felt about everything, I didn't want to, as it didn't seem the right time. he got angry, so after a while I finally told him how much he hurt me- he got angrier, and I told him that I wanted to know why he stayed. He just said " I'm trying- I told you I would try and I am" and that he was really hurt to. then he fell asleep.
Now I'm here alone with my kids and it's awful. Part of me wonders if he's still in contact with her, and I can't say a definite" no". He's thousands of KM away, so how do I talk to him about it? I really think that this whole "separation thing' was just so that he could see her without feeling guilty. He says he never meant to start seeing her, but I don't believe that.
How do I get past this so that I don't feel so bad all the time? Can I ever believe him when he says that he loves me or will I always feel so bad?

Trust is earned. And you haven't had nearly enough time yet to determine whether or not you can believe him.

Have you read the MB book, Surviving an Affair? It's a good start. His deployment really throws a kink in things though. It's hard to work on the marriage when he's not around. I would start by reading that book.

Above all, give yourself time to sort out your feelings. And, you could polygraph him when he gets home to see if he's been in contact with the other woman.

Does his family know about his affair?

Hello coldinthenorth,

It is ok about posting long things because you are trying to let people know the full picture.

You have many things to unwind in your situation that is going to require time and skill from a counselor. I highly suggest Steve Harley here at Marriage Builders. Steve's father is an expert in the field of infidelity and I am sure has taught his son Steve here at Marriage Builders very well.

Steve's counseling has really helped my husband to understand logically and practically what he has done to me and our children. We are not out of the woods yet, but this journey with Steve has been a good one.

I want you to know that you are definitely not alone!

Cindy

I actually just came back from talking with the deployment support coordinator at the local MFRC. I know him personally as well, and he was really helpful. It's just so hard to know what is going on, as sometimes there are "coms lock downs" ( usually if there's been a casualty or if someone important is coming to visit the base or something else happened), and I might not hear from him for a few days. Also, he is really busy ( working from 7:30 until 6;30 every day, with PT besides that and night patrol duty sometimes too), so he might not be able to be int ouch as much as I would like ( or, really, to feel any better, need right now). But when I don't hear from him my mind starts going, and I wonder if he's emailing her, or does he not care, etc. Mind you, he says he loves me sometimes and that he misses me, but he said that before, and I believed him , and I found out that probably wasn't really true.
My counselor says that right now, there's not a lot I can do about him, as he is so far away and it's hard to work on things with someone when you can't even talk with them, and that right now, all I can really do it work on trying to be happy myself and with my kids, and that nothing I did or didn't do justifies his actions. She tells me I shouldn't blame myself for what happened, and that while we had problems, there's no way that makes what he did okay.
Logically, I know what she is saying makes sense, but it's hard to do, as I keep going over and over what happened and how he feels in my ind ( like a record skipping that I can't make stop)

yes, his family 9 his two sisters at least) know. and they both asked me if staying with him after what he has done is what i really want, as they both feel he treated me and our kids horribly. His parets don't know, but mine do. Mine are trying to get past this, and treat him well, and called to say goodbye to him before he left and have sent him a holiday gift.

been reading some more posts on here, and it occurred to me- I still hurt, but now I am also angry. really, really angry. The idea that he could say to me" well, you hurt me, so that's why I did what I did" _ he didn't say those words, but that is the core of what he meant- is not fair. Whatever I did ( and he can list of reams of "little things" ( like stuff around the house gets broken- but hey, we've got two 3 small kids- two of them are autistic- so yes, stuff around the house does tend to get trashed sometimes), money was always an issue, etc. but to say to me one day, out of the blue, "I don't love you anymore" and go and start sleeping with someone else and somehow feel that those two things are the same isn't fair or right.
I actually just got off the phone with him ( he is given so mnay minutes every week to call) and it was almost impossible to understand what he was saying due to static, etc. But, and I know this sounds really weird after what i wrote in my first post, talking with him jts made me angrier. This anger bothers me, as I can't really talk to him about it when he's so far away, it's so hard to let it go, and what if it just completely destroys any feeling I have for him at all?

part of my problem too, is that when we agreed to work on things, he didn't seem "happy" about it- he seemed more angry than anything else. we only had about two months from the day he ended their relationship until he left for deployment to try and work on things, and one of the things that I asked him to do before he left was to write me a letter about how he felt about us, as I knew that when he was away, I'd probably start feeling insecure about things and a letter like that would have given me something to read and hold onto when he was away. I asked him when we were at the counselor's, and he said he would do it, but then later on, he told me he didn't want to as writing somehting like that would make him feel uncomfortable- like a "goodbye letter if something happened to him"

does that even make any sense?