I think that this forum is too full of too many different opinions. I know I have it better than some, I KNOW THAT. But, the shock that my angel had that in her. The shock that she could look at me every day and hide THAT. The selfish part of me, can't help looking at what I thought I had, then compare it to what I didn't really have. It is crushing, the details are really irrelevant, IT JUST F______ HURTS. I feel for all of you, if you are here, it's probably a really bad time for you. Anyway, something happened last night that I think superceedes any opinion on this forum. I wish you all the best, Restore_happy signing off

R_H,

What has happened and what are you going to do?

JL

""something happened last night that I think superceedes any opinion on this forum""

WOW!

I think R_H has left the building.

Wow this just keeps getting better. OM has VIDEO, is keeping it for "insurance". I am so ashamed of WW. I just want to be rid of this shame and pain. I just went through this once, I don't know if I can do it again.

Apparently not.

So how did you find out about the video?

why is OM keeping video for 'insurance'? what kind of insurance is he talking about?

so sorry you're having to deal with this. it sucks.

Keep your head up. You have nothing to be ashamed of. They are the ones who should be ashamed.

R_H,

""OM has VIDEO""

3 year old video?? AWWW GEEZ my brother, what a kick in the teeth.

Who says and why do we believe this??

""is keeping it for "insurance""" or blackmail??

Remember this all happened 3 years ago, although to you, it just happened yesterday, i e dday.

She better get it ALL out in the open NOW

You are experiencing the death of 1,000 cuts.

What is her state of mind. Is the cancer over with? Is she still healing from that?

What rights does she/you have litigation wise toward the low life to get the video back?

""I just went through this once, I don't know if I can do it again""

Is she begging you to stay or go?

Stay strong, my friend. My heart goes out to you.

kirk

I finally got OM to admit to some of it. He was really about WW not telling anyone. I think video is just her. She is acting like it was just a picture, that she told OM to delete. NOW she wants to come clean and start fresh. . . .. . . again. She has admitted to some pretty harsh things. Things she would try to hide if she were still covering her butt . . . . .I think. Heck I don't know, but she said she would wait for me to see that she is not the same person she was two years ago. I can see some hope for us, but I have to get myself straight before I can really even look at us. I did forgive her, honestly, I can't look at her some days, because all I can see is what she did. Some days, I have a lot of hope, some days not so much. I have no idea if we have any legal rights, with the video. OM is a snake, and just our brief conversations, I can tell he is a vindictive [censored].

Well, I hate that he has this video.... but, this is a consequence of her actions. She should be embarrassed by it. If the OM goes and shows it to people, it will just solidify what a slimeball he really is.

Give yourself time. Just because you think you've forgiven her, it's still going to be hard. There will be good days and bad days. It's been a few months since I found out about my H, and I still have days where I think I can't do this.

I would recommend asking her to submit to a polygraph. Only because she has a history of lying about this to you- (as did my H). A polygraph will provide you with some assurance that you are starting from a place of honesty with her.

My H admitted to 1 ONS and then when he realized I was still going to go through with the poly, more truths came out, and I found out it was 4 ONS's. She may be telling you partial truths. If she is telling you everything, then the poly will prove that and serve as the first step in rebuilding trust. If she refuses to take one, then that tells you a lot right there.....

It was $500, but worth every penny, IMO.

Mabe someday, I would look into a poly. Right now we can't even afford counciling. I think I am so far into denial, right now that I just can't process this. The man I was before, I would turn this hurt into anger. Which is strong enough at this point, I think I would kill OM. That would not help anything, or anyone. I have lost the abbility to cry, I try to "get it out". But, not much happens. I just went through this two years ago, when she had the A. I snooped a little, but she covered her tracks well. I was told by several people, that if I kept pushing, she would leave. So I gave her the bennefit of the doubt. I never thought she would be capable of this. I have always had a jelous streak. And we talked about it before we got married. I told her that I would keep it under control. So I did, at my own expense. I sat at home, in a way knowing she was with someone else. But, I kept it to myself. Now, Here we are again. And I have the truth finaly, or some of it anyway. . . . I think. Last night, we took, "the night off". We just lived in denial so that we could get some peace and rest. The night before last, we just fought and hurt all night, no sleep at all. We are going to see our pastor at church soon I think, he told me that he can smell a lie well. And for both of our sakes, he said he would not accept one. I think it is a good place to start. I am so ashamed of her, I don't know how she can make this one up to me. Don't want to set things into affect that are going to put us back here again, by being "off balance".
P.S. what are the annagrams. . . ONS?

R_H,

ONS - One Night Stand

""I am so ashamed of her, I don't know how she can make this one up to me.""

I hate to be critical, but I am sure this is not a helpful attitude to have. "make this one up to me."??

Then you are forever expecting her "to make it up to you", which, in her mind, might not be on the top of her priority list or she may not have a clue that is what you are expecting, or she may not have a clue HOW to make it up to you. So your expectations will disappoint you, which will breed resentment.

She may just be trying to continue on with the "wedded bliss" you both were enjoying.

kirk

Affairs can not be made up for. Compensation can not be given for the affair from the WS. The affair can never be undone.

Though the marriage can be recovered.

I told WW to take a HIV test. It's a little late now. But, I'd like to know, she said okay. It still feels like this is someone elses life. We had only ever been with each other, I actually found a virgin to marry. And she does this AFTER we are married. I don't hate her, I can see how ashamed she is. I can see how much she has been hurt from this. I can see how cheap he made her feel. I love her still with every piece of my broken heart. And when we talk about it, I usually find myself comforting her. I think I resent her for the power she still has over me. I have become a pretty trusting person, and not trusting her is so strangely new. I find myself wondering if she is finally really coming clean, or if she is so damaged that she really thinks she is. Or if there is something else that she knows would cost her everything. I have asked two things that have not been answered to my satisfaction. "what is the date that you first gave yourself to him?". And, "What is on the video?". To both, her answer, is "I don't remember, I have been trying to forget". Now she has the best memory I have ever seen, she could tell you what she wore on her first day of school. And every boy she ever kissed. Looking for feed back. Is she just not willing to remember, or has she really forgotten? She has a bad habit of repressing her emotions. Any thoughts?

R_H,

""Any thoughts?""

The truley remorseful wayward will want to blunt the details so as not to hurt the betrayed anymore than they are already.

Hopefully this is the #1 reason. They are also ashamed, embarrased, fearful of reaction, they want to get over it and forget about it, so do not want to dwell on it and remember.

kirk

But the facts are known, that there was a PA and roughly when it happened.

Why would the details of the start date be so damaging that they need to be "blunted"? How bad can a start date be? What is the difference between March 21st and March 3rd?

Well, it would be damaging if the affair started long before you have been told it started.

It would be damaging if it started on a significant date, such as your birthday, your child's birthday, your wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day, or the date your mother was taken into hospital (or similar).

She knows the date and she has not forgotten it. Do you really want to find out why she is hiding it? It won't be pretty.

There is nothing pretty about any of this. It really doesn't mater, I would think that the date of such a thing would stand out in ones memory, if the marriage even was important at that time. She tends to candy coat things. And I have lost my tolerance to it, truth and facts, that is all I want from her, and if I can't count on her for that still. Well, I think I have invested enough of myself in deceptions. Like I said, She represses her emotions a lot, some of why were not in good shape at that time. She doesn't like to deal, so she tries to forget. I want her to go see a counselor alone, as well as with me.

I am seeing some things now that were such blatant signs of an affair. And I feel like such a fool, I feel even more betrayed with that knowledge. Last time we went through crisis, she told me that all the cards were on the table, that she was done lying to me. She said that this would be starting over with a clean slate. Now not only do I find out that our marriage covenant was broken, but that she never intended to honor her promis from our "round one". and that she knew full well that she would have to lie to me to keep this secret, and that there was a secret. The affair I could have dealt with, it would have been hard, but I think we would be doing pretty good by now. Now, I see that she made promisses that she never intended to keep, told me lies and said she was done with them, and continued to keep secrets when she said there is none. Now she again says she is done with that, how many second chances should I give her. I have no desire to have an ex-wife, I have no desire for any other woman. But, can I risk myself with her AGAIN! My big things that I wanted from her were faithfulness, honesty, and respect. If indeed her unfaithfulness is in the past and will never be repeated. That still leaves two things where she has failed me, that I have seen as recent as two weeks ago. Is there any hope for her to really change her ways? Did she really learn her lesson? How would I know? I don't know if I can do this AGAIN! We were walking around each other like strangers in the same house, just two years ago. Also during the holidays, now here we are again. I don't know If I have the stomach for it again. I know if I tell her to leave I will probably just be done with her. But, I just can't take this awkwardness again.

R_M,

""Did she really learn her lesson? How would I know?""

Which leads us to the POLYGRAPH TEST. THE LIE DETECTOR!!

It sounds drastic, but this is a rather drastic sitch for you.

People here in the Halls of MB have resorted to this. The truth usually comes out in the car on the way to the test...but you still go through with the test.

Then you know.

kirk

I agree with the polygraph. Sounds like you need a looooong one!

Also, what other special precautions are you enacting? She CAN learn new habits if you set them up and keep up with it for awhile, and keep checking every 6 months or so.

A polygraph sounds great, just don't have any money now. Medical bills are mounting, savings is small and work is really slow. Winter is coming, and I don't know how we are going to make it as it is. Also I don't know if I want to invest into her at this point. Just more of the same, all those things that I thought I saw in her two years ago, that made me want to bee with her, that made me think this is the woman that I can grow old with. Were just stripped away. I thought I saw strength, integrity, faithfullness, honesty, and self-respect. All just another facade, I just don't know if I want any more of her. Now with the A exposed, I kind of get a free pass to walk away. I do love her, I do in a sense want to be with her. It just feels like there is no change in her. Like she is the same person, she was before, still unable to deal with issues, she just wants to distract herself, or ignore the problem. Would she tell me if she had any emotional feeling for another guy, if that would happen again. I don't think so, not after this. she would try to handle it on her own again. Thinking, that if she told me, I would be upset, or leave her. She lives in constant fear I think. Now, Thanksgiving, again her timing has devastated the Holiday season. Dinner with her family, I don't know if I can do it. "Keep up appearances", never been my strong suite. But, our son, what would be best for him? I am tempted to just tell her to leave, just to have some deffinate direction. She worked late last night, didn't call to tell me. I mentioned it when she got home. She said,"I thought you might get mad if I called you late, and woke you up". It feels like she is trying to make this all better in a week. I just don't know if I can go through this again. Anyway, just venting, happy holidays to all. Keep your heads up, I am trying too.

R_H