I touched on this is another post and Mel explained that she felt men have greater endurance or stamina which enables them to do the plan A deal, where the BS is starved, longer.
Is that the reason?
I was thinking that it was bcause WWs are said to be more emotionally enmeshed and it takes a lot longer for thme to want out of the affair.
In general, why do we make gender the determinative factor on things like this time in Plan A deal? I mean, maybe we should look at other personality traits , rather than gender.
Say 6 week plan A's for introverts, 6 months for extroverts. Or, differnt time requirements for folks with high sex drives vs low ones. Or, varying times based on ethnicity, intellectual abilituies, emotional IQ, etc.
It just seems an awfully broad brush,this gender differentiation.

I always [censored]-u-med that it was because men can compartmentalize whereas women cannot. In general.

So guys are more able to put the affair in its own room, and keep rooms for work, and the gym, and family. But women can't do that as well and it exhausts them to try and function with the affair ongoing.

I'm not saying it's *easy* for guys to compartmentalize something like an affair, just that they are more successful at it.

Whatever the reason, though, Harley is clear that his observation over the years is that men are able to persevere in Plan A a lot longer than women; women have breakdowns and suffer PTSD much earlier than men. In general.

Z,

The guidelines are a general rule. They are based on Dr. H's years of experience. They are not written in stone. He doesn't say EVERY man MUST do Plan A for 6 months and women 3-4 weeks.

The determining factor for how long is dependent on how well the BS can hold up psychologically. Not on the gender....

Some men can only do 3-4 weeks, and some women can do longer than 3-4 weeks (my Plan A was 4 months....). It depends on the PERSON.....

I think you just trying to pick hairs on this whole gender thing. This is the third or forth time you touch on a subject bringing in the gender issue.....are you trying to find a subject where everyone here will agree with you that men and women are the same????

not2fun

Thread For You

Zelmo, it isn't me that "feels" that men and women are different, it is a true fact and that was stated by Dr. Harley, a clinical psychologist. The plans are different because men are different from women. Here is Dr Harleys explanation over on the weekend forum:

Do you mean Dr Harley? Who is this "we" to whom you refer? The plans are prescribed by Dr Harley, not us.

No, Mel; it is you that decided this, it seems. Your feelings seem to be the basis of the 4 week/6 month deal:

Were you or were you not explaining your feelings here? Remember; everything said here is on record.

Dr. Harley has simply noted that women are more likely to suffer long-lasting psychological damage, such as PTSD, from a lengthy Plan A than men are. You should sustain Plan A as long as you are not doing damage to yourself doing so, within a reasonable time frame of winning your spouse back.

A licensed mental health therapist would be the best one to evaluate your psychological condition and provide ongoing appraisals of your success avoiding such trauma in Plan A; they should be fully informed so they can track your mental health using objective measurements if possible.

I was feeling that DR. HARLEY had said that men had greater endurance. I feel like Zelmo overlooked dat.

These affairs have just about killed some of the BHs I know. They were disfunctional at work, lost incredible amounts of weight, aged, could not sleep.
No, I disagree that it takes kless of a toll on men.

No. I realize some will disagree. I just like to hear folks take on these things and their rationale. It is one of the ways I learn and it is interesting to me.

I don't know. maybe I just have low testosterone, but I cannot imagine this having less of an effect on a guy. I mean, we seem to die a heck of a lot younger.
Maybe Harely is not seeing all the physiological changes this type of stress does to men.

Z,

No one, not even Dr. H doesn't say it doesn't have no effect or a less effect.

Honestly, how many of his books have you actually read???.....
I think when you read one, you will have a greater understanding on where he is coming from.....It really does all make sense....

not2fun

I'll check at the library. The legal fees and $2500 a month in child support have left me too destitute to buy his books.
Who said infidelity does not pay?

Just curious as to why he makes the distinctions based soley on Gender vs other factors , like income, sex drive, intersts,ethnicity, etc.

Because that is the EASIEST way to start. When affairs infect the marriage, the Betrayed Spouse is either a man or a woman. Plain and simple......if he went through each of the other factors, can you imagine how big that book would be???....

(I don't find this question one of your brightest ones Z..... )

Z, this made me laugh. Not sure if that was your intent, but it worked for me.

And maybe I'm suffering from gender bias, but I'm kinda with you on this one.

Try Abe Books. I got mine used on there for $1 each.

http://www.abebooks.com/

Brain function is lower than usual , today. Johnny depp beat me out again in the Sexiest Man Alive poll. First Pitt, Clooney and now Depp. WTF? Gotta work on my pecs(or sensitivity).
Harley needs to start attacking the hard issues. What happens in civil unions between gay couples?

Zelmo, you really should read Dr Harley's books before you discuss what he does or does not write about!

Put Defending Traditional Marriage on your list. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6027_dtm.html

Forgive me if I am wrong, but you seem to have been on this site for over a year and have not read much of Dr Harley - even the free materials available on this website. If you have, you seem not to have understood him, not agreed with what you have come across via other posters and pushed instead the theories of Michelle Langley and Marc Rudov. You have, incidentally, managed to read their books.

This whole thread is started from the premise that MEL believes that men can stay in Plan A for longer than women. If she randomly decides to choose gender, why shouldn't anyone else choose ethnicity or other factors. You do not seem to realise that the programme and advice come directly from Dr Harley and that Mel is not responsible for any of it! This whole thread is based on a misunderstanding, and so raises a straw man that you then successfully knock down.

I thought your thread about Dr Harley advocating telling the kids was yet another challenge from you about his credentials. I suspect he thought so too, and that is why he posted to you. You don't seem inclined to accept his qualifications, experience in practice and empirical research and yet you post to his site.