Me and my wife have been married for 26 years, 3 kids (grown) 2 Grandbabies. She left me on Mothers Day this year and moved into a rental with my daughter (youngest and grand son). The reason she left was i had an addiction to the internet (which I have overcome with counciling) My youngest went into the history in the internet and found a picture that was attached to an e-mail showed it to her shesaid she was done and it was over. she has been gone since. she did not have any communication with me for over 2 months and she called one night at 1245am and wanted to talk to me. we met and all she said she wanted was to say she didnt hate me???? she wanted to be friends but she was never comming back. we ither communicated or saw each other for over a month she came home and left again in 4 days stating "the feelings were not there" she has been known to be seen with men as young as 25, and calls when I don't contact her in 5-7 days, she texed me on nov. 5th she had made her desision and was not comming home and wanting a divorce, and was not changing her mind. this she stated was what was best for "her". then 6 days later called and talked to me like nothing had happened. I have realised I have been dominated and minipulated this whole marrage. She has only once had sexual relations since being gone and I dont know him, the day after she did this, she called and and was completely devistated and turned to me for answers. I forgave her and as soon as she felt better (2 weeks) she was not communicating again. I love my wife and I want this to work itself out but shes hot then cold, wants to go to church with me then does'nt I am confused. Please advice, I mean good sound advice is what I need.

It sounds to me that the problems here may run a lot deeper than what's being described. It's good that you're getting counseling, but your wife should too. In fact, you should try to convince her to go to couples counseling with you.

Your wife is old enough to be a grandmother but has relations with men as young as 25? She had had a sexual relationship with someone only a couple months after leaving you and then called to talk about it? That is unusual enough by itself. Your "internet addiction" doesn't really sound like what most people would call an internet addiction either. If it was a photo attached to an email that caused your wife to walk out, it sounds like the problem isn't the amount of time you were on the internet but what you were doing on the internet. If you're being sent pictures by email, that sounds a bit more involved than spending time looking at dirty websites. That it was a photo attached to an email that got your wife upset could mean a lot of different things, but none of them are good. Counseling sounds like a very important first step. Both individual counseling and couples counseling. If you're churchgoers as it sounds, then counseling with your pastor would be a good idea too.

Well new developement as of last night .. she called nad is filing for divorce. Her sister is helping her to get it together over the internet and wants 150.00 for half of the filing fee. She states its over. As far as the pictures are concerned they were in my spam folder and from a long time back. I never had a affair at all emotional or otherwise and she will not go to counciling ...says she doesnt want to tell a stranger her problems. I did have a problem a while back with internet porn but it was more of a looking/investigative thing that i got over very quickly. I love her very much, but she told me last night she never loved me like she felt she should. She stated she stayed with me over the years out of security and convience...??? I have prayed and fasted over this and even asked God to rip her from my soul, I quit praying that because it seemed when I did I loved her more. and I aatend church, she does sometimes. I think this is a middle age crisis and it will pass but I dont know how long it will last and having lived through 7 affairs in 26 years I dont know if i can do this. She is a very unhappy confused person and has admitted being a "emotional desaster" but will not seek medical help. She is not the person I married or loved but if she files for a divorce I guess its over, I just hope in a few moths she doesn't regret the desision she made .. Am I crazy or does anyone have insight on this?

You don't have to go along with the divorce.

Slow down everything.

Talk to her sister.

And read up here about Love Busters. Find out all your LBs against your wife, and STOP doing them!

Find ways to spend time with her - grandkids time, etc.

Talking to her sister is really useless' she has despised me since we got married for taking her little sister away. I never stood in the way of her and her sisters relationship, but she was always tring to rub her against me . I have tried to talk to her sisters in the past to no avail, even their own brother says i should get out of this, II dont believe in divorce and I do still love her unconditionally. I know i sound like the victim here and I dont want anyone to get the idea I am completey innocent, unfortunately all her past is a secret to everyone and all the bad I have done is on display. I was never abusive, and she herself said I was kindhearted, sweet, and loyal and any woman would be proud to have me, she feels secure, wanted and needed, and knows I would take care of her forever, but she does not love me like she should. Actually that is the only reason she says she wont come home, I was told at prayer at church not to give up, I have faith in God but not to bring her home but to do whats best for me. I just dont understand her feelings and why but I never justified or showed unjustification for them. I guess the best discription of my actions would be begging.

What about her parents, aunts, or uncles? Do you not have sway with any of them?

As for getting her back, write your story here, so we can see what your marriage was like. Maybe we can find something that can help her come home.

Oh, and please break your stuff into paragraphs. It's really hard to read all in one glob.

ok Here goes
We married in 1982 in October. I was 21 she had just turned 18, she got pregnant in December had first child in uagust, left me in November for what I cant remember

She came back in Jan, stayed until may left again for 6 months said she didnt want to be married

She left again2 years later said she felt trapped and couldnt breathe, I attempted seucide spent 2 months in pavilion got out filed for divorce. She called me up 2 months later, wanted to talk Found her at her apt. crying ...She was pregnant took her back raised child no Questions asked, Child still does not know.Shes 21 now(child)

1989 went into service while gone to war she had an affair, I got home she told me I forgave her went on ... 2 months later I went on detachment she had another affair with same guy. Forgave her again ...went on

Got out of the service had trouble with internet porn, she caught me looking promised her never again, Caught her during my daughters Graduation party talking on the phone with old boy-friend, she said there was no harm, so I began talking to a old girl-friend (casual she is married husband knew he is a pastor of a church we also spoke Friendly only) She saw number on my phone tolsd her who it was, she called her husband and made more of it than what was there, he of course knew better she got angry and left.

She came back 7 months later now using sex as a punishment, while we were seperated she had affairs. Told me all the details I prayed forgave and went on

let me add I had off/ on problems with internet porn (not to seem like I am an Angel) She constantly accused me of affairs (drove me crazy) NEVER had one or even close. She didn't believe that because of internet problem.She left again in april 2006. I was through this time (I thought ) went stir crazy and for the first time I dated. she was never comming back, she was through , so I began dating, As soon as she found out about a girlfriend she came begging back, as I was shocked, because usually I was the one begging, I took her back.

The internet problem reared its ulgy head again May 10th (Mothers Day) not by me but in the spam box, I went to a life group in my church for addiction, to make sure even though I had not done this in quite some time, I wanted to make sure I didn't have a problem and to show her I was through with it.

Sorry this is so long but we are talking 26 years

She has been gone since, like I said before I cant talk to anyone in her family because they know all the dirt on me and I have promised never to tell them anything on her.

As rocky as this may seem I have never lost my love for her...ever, I don't know what to do I am at the end of my rope . I have prayed for God to bring her back or kill me I cant suffer this pain. But I hold on still. even though she says shes getting a divorce, has had affairs, basically gone crazy and is going through what I think is her middle age crisis.

I have given my life to Christ, not for getting my marrage together , I needed to do that for me. She has noticed a change in me, and I knoe how good our marrage could be with God leading us. She knows whats right but won't soften her heart
.
So theres the story ...Science fiction ... right ... no this is my reality . Any insight?

Oh by the way her sister that is advising her married at 16, divorced at 45 went wild and remarried 2 years ago for money.

Amidone, I have to tell you that this sounds like an extremely toxic situation all the way around and that the most important thing--beyond anything else--is that you need to focus on yourself and your own emotional health right now, something that it doesn't sound like your marriage is helping at all. I can tell that you love your wife, which is great, but it also sounds like you're experiencing things that you need to deal with before you can deal with her. With a suicide attempt in your past and this talk of praying to god bring her back or kill you, I strongly suggest getting intensive counseling right now. You need to be in a place where you'll be okay if even if you can never reconcile with your wife--even if you're hoping that you still will. No other person, no marriage, is worth what it sounds like you're going through. It's very scary to think that a marriage of so many years, and all that goes along with it, might come to an end. But life does go on, and another person, no matter how much you love her, shouldn't be the entire world.

I think you should go ahead and divorce. She doesn't understand what marriage is, and will never give you what you need.

That said, if you DO divorce, you would hold the control in whether you ever take her back; i.e., if she wanted, and you wanted, it would be under YOUR conditions. IMO, those conditions would include intense counseling on her part, to get at whatever demons she has, that have removed what should be her morals.

Was your wife abused as a child? She seems to have very little self worth.

Before I begin Thanks to you 2 for what seems the most sound advice I have had in 7 months.
I do need counciling and have made appt. next monday.

I know I need to take care of myself and learn how to do that. I have taken care of her so long and made her the center, I actually dont know how. I guess this will be a learning process in itself.

I quit giving her any money and emotional support 2 weeks ago and I feel this is the best thing I can do is no contact whatsoever. What do you think?

After re-reading my prior post I would think me to be a fool. I know I love her but will we ever have a relationship that is successful?

I still dont want a divorce but I cant stop her from doing it and as you can see she thrives on control. I guess I will fix me first and let God do his thing with her.

And as far as abuse she has never spoken of it, although she did have hard teen years with her Father dying when she was 15 and he was a acholic. but as far as I know all the abuse she ever had was listening to her mom and dad fight.

See? You already know the answer!