I need some advice. There is a single woman at our church who always approaches my DH and talks to him. She waits until he is away from me and she avoids me like the plague. She doesn't talk to me nor does she speak to me. She catches my DH whenever he is alone. She found out that they work for the same govt. firm. Not the same office. Last night at Bible Study she cornered my DH AGAIN while I was talking to someone else. When I approached her and my DH she literally put her head down and ran away. I was wrong and I told him in church that I was tired of the skank being in his face. When we got into our car I told my DH that it makes me uncomfortable that she always has to talk to him. My DH explained to me that he would never cross the line again with her or any other woman but I just lost my temper and unfortunately I began in rage with AO. I went on and on and my DH finally after we had reached home, began yelling back about how I am stuck and he feels like nothing he can ever do will ever help me. It got really ugly. I am kind of stuck. I have always had a hard time forgiving ppl and I have created an unsafe environment for my DH to even talk about the A. I am just so insecure since his A. I know this woman at church has ill-intentions. My DH says that he doesn't care what her intentions are because he knows that he would never cross the line again. My DH has always been too friendly with women IMO. I really believe that my DH is trying so hard. He told me that I should talk to her and tell her that I am uncomfortable with her always cornering him and ignoring me. He says that he will avoid her and not entertain conversation with her in the future. I do want to let her know that I know what she is up to.

Should I talk to her? If so, what should I say? This rebuilding is so hard.

Your H does not have his EPs in place, YOU should not tell her anything, in order to protect his EPs and protect YOU, HE needs to tell her this. This is not on you, it's on him.

Why don't you call the Harley's and do phone counseling with them? Let Steve or Jennifer explain to your H what he needs to do and why. It's truly not worth it trying to do it on your own. Let a professional help you...it will be worth it.

I agree. Its all on him, not her. How many skanks do you have at your church??!

Maybe you should change churches? DUDE

Have you considered role-playing with your H about how to handle these approaches by the OW? Pretend to be her, talking to him like she does. Have him respond back, and then discuss his response. Is it appropriate? Is there anything he says that may give off a false impression/encouragement to the OW? Work on those things until you both are satisfied that his interaction with her will not encourage her. I had to do this with my H, who always had a certain (non-boundaried ) style when it came to talking to certain women - understand that your H, because of loose boundaries, may not have the tools to interact in a pleasant, yet discouraging, way. Role-playing may help give him those tools. Also, you can't be around him every time there's a woman around, so he needs to learn this communication skill for life in general.

I'd suggest that you talk to her, but I don't know if that's a good idea right now. It may serve to drive her underground and make her more careful about when she approaches your H.

Consider the role-playing, and see if that helps.

cobolgirl, your H is not handling these situations correctly. If he is approached by this woman, he should politely end the conversation and move on. If she is pursuing him, as it seems, he should avoid her. This is your H's issue, not this womans. This is about learning to affair proof your marriage with PROPER boundaries. Your H needs to establish good boundaries.

Don't talk to this woman, talk to your H. And stop lovebusting him!

cobol, have you ever asked your H what she talks to him about? How does she open the conversation? Is it the usual "so what do you do?" or "good sermon today" type of opening? What does he think about the fact that she only talks to him alone, and scuttled off when you recently approached? Does he think this is odd? Does he think she is trying to befriend him?

It seems to me that there is no appropriate level of conversation that your H can have with her if she insists on trying to get him alone and on avoiding his wife. I don't think that keeping things light and not giving encouragement is enough. I think that talking to her at all, after she has sought to get him alone, is inappropriate. I think that the role playing should focus on getting him to say "well hello again! Yes it was a good service today. Let me introduce you to my wife - she's over there".

You should be brought over immediately each and every time she starts a conversation. She will probably not like this and stop approaching him, but if she does not, she will be given the message that your H does not want to talk to her alone, ever.

If she makes her excuses and leaves just as your H offers to introduce you, then problem solved for that day. He must do this again and again until she stops.

He should be happy to do this. He should be dying to do this. He should be trying to honour his marriage and protect you, forever. You should not have to confront or challenge her. You should not have to say anything about this to her. Your H should be falling over himself to show her that her attention (and intention) is not wanted because he loves you.

Additionally, the next time she approaches your husband, why not join them and say in your most FROSTY, I CAN KICK YOUR [censored] ON THE FRONT LAWN voice: Can I help you with something? Then smile sweetly.

But the onus is on your H to cut her off and avoid her. She wouldn't be pursuing him if he had done that in the first place.

Mel's solution is the simplest and best!

Why can't she say "I can kick your [censored] on the front lawn"? Is that too rude for church?

cobolgirl, while you shouldn't be yelling at your H, but he is largely responsible for TRIGGERING it. He has not created a safe environment for YOU. A big part of the problem is his failure to create good boundaries so YOU FEEL SAFE. You have every good reason to feel insecure. Your H has had an affair and to make matters worse, he does not PROTECT YOU by observing good boundaries.

If your H would observe good, solid boundaries, you would be LESS INCLINED to be triggered into lovebusting him. This situation - OF COURSE - would make you feel insecure and would trigger you. He needs to change that.

jes' trying to be poe-lite! Besides, I don't think the good Lord would appreciate a fist fight on the front lawn, he is probably not IRISH and wouldn't understand.

Yep, your H is messing up, big time. With a history of cheating, he should be proactive.
His ego is being stroked by the attenation and he likes the fact that you are competing for him.
He's already had enough stroking in his lifetime, via his cheating.
These married guys that are flirty with women are sickening, IMO. They are slimy and greasy. Most are weenies who need their asses kicked.

A married man that flirts is a WEASEL who dishonors his wife.

Once you have cheated, you have no right to ever have any private conversation with a member of the opposite sex. Ever. Part of the deal. I had a father of a student offer to help me with after school chorus this year, and I said no thank you. Even with 70 kids in the room it isn't proper. They aren't called comfortable precautions. They are called extraordinary precautions.

Interesting choice of words (slimy/greasy). My FWH used those to describe how he was during his A. Also 'sleazy'. Yep, yep, and yep.

Thanks for the excellent idea. We will try role-playing. He says that he wants to modify his behavior if it offends me. I am going to try that with my DH. I am also going to talk to the woman. I just want her to know that I know what she is up to. I just hate the fact that she thinks she is so slick. My DH is on board with whatever I decide. He told me that he would talk to her and tell her but I just want to do it for some reason just to let her know that I know if that makes sense.

Just like nice women can spot skanks when , sometimes, men are oblivious, decent guys watch these weasals who think they are "playas" and are sickened. The amazing thing is that these guys, like the skanks, are sometimes successful, paricularly with women with self esteem issues.

CB, this is the key right here. That is all you need. This statement shows that he cares for you. Better boundaries on his part will make it less likely that you are triggered into angry outbursts.

And you can also stop beating your self up for feeling insecure. You are RIGHT to be insecure. That is a normal, sane response to a dangerous situation.

Zelmo has pointed out an EN of your H .... Admiration.

This need is to be filled by you, might you be coming up short with this one????

This was pointed out to me once when I was describing my WH's A.

Don't get me wrong, everything that everyone has said here, I agree with,
I just didn't feel the need to repeat it since it was already said so well.

Something I told my H when we started to role-play was that it wasn't a punishment for him. It is a TOOL I wanted to help give him, as my H and best friend, to help him navigate his world and strengthen his boundaries. We approached it as a team. When he gave a 'negative' response during role-playing, I didn't get angry. I stopped and repeated back what he'd said, and said things like "Okay, do you see where I, as the OW, could take that sentence and make it more than you meant for it be?" Very calmly, very team-like. And then we'd try it again. It was very helpful for him. I don't think he'd ever really put much thought into the words that came out of his mouth while interacting with women.

If you feel that strongly about approaching the OW I'd say go for it. Your gut is directing you, and I have great respect for gut instinct.