I am confused about how to handle my situation. Ten years ago I had the second of two affairs. Since that time I have been committed to my wife and family and have admitted to her having an "emotional" relationship. We have worked hard on our marriage and have what I would call a strong relationship. I have read Dr Harley's notes on honesty and understand his points. We are going through a difficult time with our business/finances and it seems as though bringing this up would create additional stresses.

Are you saying she hasn't been told the truth about your affairs?

I did not tell her about any physical relationship

She does have a right to know the truth, you know. This is information about her life that has been wrongfully withheld from her. Have you had STD testing in all this time?

This is not true. Your marriage has been based on a lie if you have lied to her for all these years. A strong, healthy marriage is based on honesty, not deceit.

Read up lovebusters and "Honesty".

You may call it a strong relationship, but that's not what it is. A strong relationship is built on openness, honesty, and trust. How could you possibly have any of that if you have been lying to your wife for 10 years?

This may be an "old" affair to you, but that isn't how it is going to feel for your wife. For her, the pain is going to be very new and fresh. You are going to have to start all over again rebuilding your relationship and your wife's trust in you. It's unfortunate that you didn't allow your marriage a chance to heal in the first place by being honest, but you need to tell her the truth now. You are living an illusion and it isn't fair.

You need to tell her the full truth. And understand that when you do, it will feel to her as if it happened yesterday. The fact that you did it years ago will be irrelevant. I tried to be a great wife for a few weeks before I confessed my affair, and even now my H believes that it was just a lie to butter him up so he wouldn't take it so hard. And you know what? He has a point.

This isn't you forgetting to tell her her hcarged a new suit a few years ago. This is a BIG lie. There is no way to have an authentically strong marriage with this hiding under the table. She has to know the truth.

Skeew,

My wife admitted to an EA even though all signs point to a physical affair. I have no proof of the physical affair and my W will not tell me anything about it.

I am begging you to tell your wife everything. Odds are she already "knows" but has no proof, so she cannot confront you. If you have an ounce of dignity left in your body, confess to her everything and let the chips fall where they may.

'skeew'....tell her now, or let it come out later, or worse, let HER find out and she will eventually....Karma's a [censored]. If you want, search my story. My wife had 5 A's 21 years ago. I suspected two, confronted her over those and she denied them 21 years ago. Over the years, usually several times a year, something would come up, usually a fight, and I'd throw out the, 'well I KNOW you slept with those guys back then'...again, always denied.

Well 3 months ago Karma came back to bite her on her azz for all of those years of lying to me. Now we both are suffering. If she had of admitted to it back when it happened, or anytime BEFORE I found out for myself, it would be handled differently.

I know the old sayng is admit to NOTHING, but it will come out man, even 21 years later, and the pain is the SAME as it happening 21 days ago. I know some on these forums that found out even 30 years ago, same thing. It will come out, when you least suspect it. My wife was freaken totally blind sided by it. We were doing very well in our marriage, prior to Dday. Now I believe nothing she says. I consider our marriage based on lies, even though in 8 months we are SUSPPOSED to be having our 30 wedding anniversary.

Just my 2 cents man.

My husband is still lying to me about his cheating. He has only admitted to ONE ONS from years ago, but I knew he had cheated because he passed on a nasty little infection to me. He STILL denied it for 13 years. I don't believe a word he tells me, even though we're still married and he finally quit his cheating.

The only reason I'm still married to him is that our financial situation is very precarious, and I am now unable to work. I will not leave unless/until I know that I can put a roof over my head and eat. He can have whatever little bit we have left.

I hear you 'LC'...my wife is so not transparent and has not fessed up to everything. She fails to realize until she comes clean our marriage will suffer.

If we ever get on 'topic' she totally deflects, or doesn't answer, or as what usually happens, she gets very angry and says how she has told me everything....uh, yea, sure dear.

My WW just told me about her A of two years ago. Since that time we went through councelling (while the A was going on). Things have been amazing ever since March 2007. Well until Nov, this year, when she confessed. Now I feel like I was violated, like I loved a lie, and the woman that I loved was just a story. It is really a respect thing, don't you think she has the right to make her own decisions with all the facts? Quit being selfish, this is going to be bad for you now, it is going to hurt her now. But, if you are going to have a really strong marriage, that decision has to be hers, after having ALL the facts that she needs. That's how I feel anyway. R_H

Yea 'RH', our marriage was in a good place, well until Aug 26, 09. You're right, its going to hurt them both now, if he delays its going to hurt him even worse later.

Man up brother.