Please see the latest from our prized horse's mouth. Dr Harley has just given his views on the concept of MLC over on 101.

here

Great post by Dr. H and IME he is dead on.

My hero.

Except I just wish that he would step in more often when we struggle over concepts on these forums. I can see that he cannot cherry-pick individual problems to solve, but he could make such a difference on the "theory" threads.

Are you listening, Dr H?

I have no problem with his advice. But, it does get kind of old how he seems to predominantly target men as having thse problems. I sometimes wonder if he is unaware that women are cheating just about as much as guys.

I think everything in Dr. H's statement could just as easily apply to women as to men, though the term "midlife crisis" has more generally been used to refer to men. I know women can experience them as well. There are plenty of areas on Dr. H's site that deal with A's by women.

In the case of a MLC, it's much more COMMON for men to have them and it is usually more OBVIOUS, so directing his answer to men having MLCs makes the most sense.

I don't buy this. I just spotted a middle age woman with a bare midriff and spandex.

Although my last conversation with Steve wasn't specifically about MLC, it was about H's unhappiness, lack of direction, drinking, etc.

Steve's opinion was consistent with his father's. Resolve to help him make his marriage better and stronger and that should in turn, help him with his other issues.

Problem is, I can't get H on the phone with Steve so I'm getting dangerously close to Plan D.

Have you read SAA? About half the book deals with a woman's affair, though the principles apply for both.

This site addresses the problems of men and women both. I think the Sexist and Unfair Hobby Horse has been ridden just about into the ground.

Yes, I read the whole thing and I know it's about a woman having an A...however, she didn't seem to be having a MLC, "merely" an A.

I thought we were talking about men who have MLC coupled with an A. I am thinking of the stereotypical male MLC...things that might typify this could be new sports cars, motorcycles, piercings, tattoos, etc. That is different than a man OR a woman who, on the outside, appears to be the same as he/she has always been, but is having an A and there is no obvious external signs of a MLC.

oh quit already. He has never suggested that cheating is exclusive to any gender. One of the reasons you jump to conclusions like this, Zelmo, is because you can't be bothered to read even ONE of his books.

I don't think he was commenting that men "suffer" mid-life crisis more than women, rather, I think, he IS saying men are more prong to use it as an excuse than women where infidelity is involved.

Speaking of generalities between the sexes:

Since neither EN's nor MLC's are EXCUSES for infidelity...why is it that one sex (men) are more likely to blame it on MLC (seemingly a personal problem) whereas the wayward women seem prone to hanging their hats on unmet needs ("If you hadn't neglected me") which to me is more of a blame shifting thing?

In short...

Wayward Men say "It's not you, it's me"
Women say "It's not me, it's you"

(IN GENERAL - wayturds, no matter what sex run the gambit of all the common rationalizations and justficiations. You just don't see women saying "I'm having a MLC" nor men saying "She didn't meet my needs")

Further, it's interesting that the social stigma associated with being a betrayed wife vs a betrayed husband kind of goes along with that. The betrayed wife is pittied but people will question her ability to keep her man on a leash and satisfied. Maybe she just wasn't exciting enough or she let herself go. Men are men afterall and she shoulda known better. Whereas a betrayed husband generally gets LESS sympathy from the public. Instead he gets chastized for not being able to keep his house in order, working to hard, and neglecting his wife as if it's all somehow (or MOSTLY) his fault. If the betrayed husband dares to reconcile, he's viewed as cuckholded (a term I haven't seen used on BW's) and somehow controlled by his apparently/evidently domineering 'former' wayward wife.

Anyway, just a comment.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - my dad told me years ago that he went through a mid-life crisis and that is when he decided to golf 1-3 times per week. My mother picked up a golf club for the first time in her life at the age of about 40. She didn't initially join him golfing very often but she learned on her own and in a women's 9 hole league. Over time they played together more and more (and often as a family particularly with me). Now they play together at least once a week and more rarely separately. They are in their late 70's now and quite healthy. It's interesting that they practiced Dr. Harley's recreational companionship plan's on their own. Married 51 years.

I need to finish reading the "Why Men Leave Women" section on this site, first. Oh. wait....

snicker...I said "prong" instead of "prone"

Again, that doesn't prove your point unless you want to say that he implies in Surviving an Affair that only women have affairs since the prime example in the book is a FEMALE CHEATER. In that post he never said what you implied, Zelmo. He was using a man in the example, not saying that only men have affairs. C'mon......

Aren't we splitting hairs, here? What about menopause, the "change of life?" I completely think that part of her behavior is based on this.

Cause they DON'T ----generally.

You are a testament to that...you said your first wife spent something like 250 of 365 days one year out at the bar until at least 2 am while you sat home with two young children, one of whom, is physically/mentally handicapped.

Yet...you didn't "LEAVE"...she had an affair and left you.

There is something about men GENERALLY that they aren't the ones that initiate divorce and split up their families. EITHER they are much more capable of handling abuse and choose to overcome it or cope with it or ignore it OR they are much more incapable of handling abuse and stay out of fear. One way or another...they don't leave.

That being said...SOME MEN DO LEAVE. They generally have affairs when they do and that's HOW they leave. (edit to add: because the OW MAKES them, often they'd be content maintaining BOTH relationships) So for convinience sake...just take any article or book Dr. Harley has written and switch the pronouns. Maybe even download it and use the find/replace edit feature within your word processing program.

Mr. Wondering

IME I have not noticed men "admitting" to a MLC. It's more like it's blatantly obvious to the outside world but they won't acknowledge it. I believe deep down they know how ridiculous they look but they won't admit it and won't stop the craziness.

I have another thought...does anyone wonder which comes first, the MLC of the A? <The chicken or the egg?>