Well, it's 4 yrs after the A and i still don't trust H. I'm pretty sure nothing has gone on, but he definitely has not "turned over a new leaf". H may not be up to anything, but he is still closed off and does not communicate. I don't trust him anymore today than I ever had. The marriage is not good. But, we have 2 beautiful DDs who we live for and neither of us is ready to tear their life apart with a separation or divorce. Sometimes i think H is in complete denial. We will go to the movies, and he'll hold my hand like everything's fine, and i just don't feel it. i can't get past all the issues I have with him to be intimate, and then I feel guilty. WHAT TO DO?!?!?!

I am not in a good position to give advice. But I think taking a look at Mark's thread - Mark is turning into a grumpy old man - on the recovery forum might be a good read for you. I think there is a link be on this forum with a thread title of "everyone should read this thread".

Sorry you are still struggling in your M.

AM

What AM said!

Confused,

Are your ENs being met? Doesn't sound like they are. Conversation, being open and honest? Has he eliminated the LB behaviors?

In a nutshell, is he onboard the MB train?

One more question to follow MicheleG's......

Are you meeting 15 hrs each week (minimum) of Undivided Attention?

Confused: I'm a 3 years post A and in a similar position. Bottom line, I'd have to say it's because H still seems to think "it could have been worse" (it was an EA, not PA), that I "need to get past it" and while he seemed remorseful in the months immediately following D-day, well....I'm not sure that really was the case.

Then there are the other obvious things. My ENs are nowhere close to being met. He meets whatever ENs he THINKS should be my ENs and wants the appropriate credit and kudos and appreciation. We spend nowhere near 15 hrs week together because I can't stand to be around him. He has no interest in counseling, MB or anything similar.

Hopefully, your situation is different and you can work out a plan to emerge from the doldrums.

Welcome back, confusedsahmom. I am sorry to hear how things are going. I remember you because you posted to me when I first got here and you were really kind to me I believe you told me that your story was similar to mine ~ that your H had an EA with a coworker.

If I remember your followup threads, wasn't your H still in the same school system or something along those lines as OW? I am not sure if that was your story, but if it is, that is definitely something that would prevent R.

If that's not the case and there is true NC now, this also popped out at me.
is it possible that you never got the full story? like he only admitted to an EA but it was actually a PA? The only reason I ask was that this was exactly how my H behaved when he was still hiding details from me about what happened.

Hang in there and keep posting!

hi michelle- it's questionnable whether he's ever been on the MB train. he is extremely passive aggressive and I walk away from every conversation about our marriage feeling like i hurt HIM. when the A first happened, i printed every policy and we went over it together...he agreed in true P-A fashion, then continued to lie and sneak around behind my back...don't know HOW to get him to comply....

Susie- I remember you too- our stories are very similar...he did leave the school district...but as he is an administrator, and as i'm discovering...women can be pure evil...there are always opportunities for ea'S/pa'S. The problem is not the OW, it's our relationship. It's the fact that he never opens up, so my mind is always running wild with accusations...most of which are probably not true, but that seems to be the nature of the beast. i accuse, he retreats and is ALWAYS the victim...how does that happen??? I've detached myself so much that i don't even ask questions anymore...I've taken the "what I don't know can't hurt me' stance. i've pretty much given up on communication with him, but despite the fact that we don't talk, he thinks we should still be physical, and I feel somewhat of an obligation since we still live together, but there is NO emotional connection between us. Lately I'm having a really hard time separating the physical and emotional. I've completely detached myself emotionally, and physically as well...did you ever get your H to comply with MB policies??

Yes, my H did like MB, I got him the audio version of HNHN and we also had a little phone counseling with Jennifer. I also think we may go to the MB seminar next year.

I can relate to the conflict avoidance, that is my H as well. Does your H recognize that in himself? Luckily, our MC saw that he was PA, so she addressed it w/him. After reading up on it, I think I handle it better. Before it felt like I was banging my head on a wall and I would love-buster him.

How was your M pre-A?

Have you told your H how you honestly feel, that you two don't have any connection? There have been a couple of times that I felt my H was really slipping into old habits and not meeting my ENs and I would start to feel very resentful over the A all over again. The way I handled it was to tell him how I was feeling and it definitely seemed to help.

btw, did something happen with another woman?

i have read on p-a behavior as well- that's how i'm positive he's p-a...still trying to work out ways to deal with it. i thought M pre-A was good- not perfect, but good. he became involved with someone on-line...or quite possibly more that 1 on-line...that's when I saw things decline in our M, but didn't know the reason at the time...then the EA came along with the woman at work...these are the facts I know for sure. Nothing has been offered by H that didn't have to be dragged out of him. So, i definitely have doubts as to whether I know everything...those doubts as well as on-going trust issues leave me feeling resentful all the time. But this is not me. Every other aspect of my life is great- love my job, kids, friends. i am not unhappy or angry by nature...that's why i hate the fact that he can turn me into this angry person literally by saying and DOING nothing at all.

Confused:

You are in real danger of becoming a walk-away.

Your needs are not being met, you are frustrated in trying to get them met -- so you are withdrawing.

You have to get him to buy-in and lead your marriage. Please see if you can get him to a MB weekend.

i feel as though I already have walked away. i occasionally have glimpses of happiness and remember the things i loved about H, but they are few and far between. we are both completely devoted to our kids and giving them a "normal" childhood. neither of us will literally walk away. H has always been somewhat detached, and I have become detached as a defense mechanism. Anger got me nowhere. MB policies make sooooooo much sense to me, but h is all about lip service. Yes, he agrees with all the policies, but has no intetnion of following through. again...head against the wall. So, I've detached. My only defense. can't imagine H going for a MB weekend....possibly counseling again....I'm definitely losing hope and becoming restless. i appreciate all the advice and opinions. I love to hear your success stories.

There are a lot of good books out there about dealing with PA behavior. Your best chance is educating yourself.