I would like some help or insight to try to understand what is going on here.

I have not been here for a long while- some of you may remember me. Here is a short recap.

D-day was 10/08- WH immedately moved out to his sisters and took the OW along with him(a co-worker and also married with 4 children- which she left with her husband). OW husband filed divorce immediately. WH did make an attempt to come home Thanksgiving '08- didn't sighting it hurt him more to leave her than it did to ever leave me or his kids.

I continued Plan A- until March 09-He spent lots of time at my house while he was still living with her-Still at his sisters. Then a confrontation happened- where he said he was going to come home but I did not give OW any respect. go Fiqure! He threatened to file Divorce- never happened.

I delivered a plan B letter- they finally moved out to a place of their own- where they still are- this has happened all in the same small town. I have had contact a few times- unavoidable children health emergenicies and one planned meeting to talk about financial things. At this meeting WH said at one point"What do you want me to do? Divorce you?" I did not reply.

WH still carries my health ins- I also use the flex card-for prescriptions and office visits. He continues to give me money each month- although less since moving in to a place of their own. He also has paid for things he didn't have to- recently the whole bill of car registrations.

I work at business that is on our property- mine. also took a full time job in town at a store- to help with my finances and secure access to health ins if I need it in future.

Ok so my Question--OW divorce was final in Oct09--I really looked for him to file--surely there is pressure from her.WH has never made good on threats to divorce- no papers filed. Why is that? I have always maintained that it is his mess- he should take responsibility for it. This has been going on for 14mos- he seemingly has a new life- I am not part of it at all.

And what should I do- I have asked this before- just leave it like it is? I know the question you will ask- would I take him back- The answer is I don't know- I do not want the man he is right now- Is my real husband even alive inside the man I see now? I have always said that I just wanted a chance at reconcilation- that doesn't mean that my marriage could be recovered- you just can't predict that.

Maybe some of you former waywards have been in the same situation--what were you thinking?--Or is there no answers.....just limbo. Bottom line--Do people just live this way?????

firenice, if your marriage has not reconciled within 2 years of Plan B, then it probably never will. It is at that point that you should make a decision. And maybe you will decide to stay married so you can retain his financial support, but if you wanted to get on with your life and start a new relationship, that is when I would do it.

I don't know of any BS' who just lived this way forever, but there is no reason you can't if it suits your purposes.

I am in the same sitch, fire...Idk, I guess I was just gonna wait until I felt I was ready to date to file and I am not quite there yet.

What's going on? Could be a number of things...

If you took on a f/t job and he is paying you less than C/S and alimony (have you looked at any support calculators?), he may figure the longer you are legally married the less time he will have court ordered support and that your job will reduce any/all alimony. Paying the car regs may be motivated by guilt or an attempt to show he's really a nice guy or even a way to show that YOU need him in some capacity.

What is going on with the children visiting WH when OW is present and any contact with his enabling family? Are your children aware of the A?

If you have not consulted an attorney by now, you should. If you are not legally separated, you could be liable for WH's debt while he plays house with the skank.

At times I think I should just file...mostly when I am feeling down and that WH has someone to share his life with and I don't. I have had opportunity to have relationships with men- have actually though about it- but something holds me back....
I guess there will come a time that I will be ready for that.. In an odd sorta way I think what prevents me is my adult children- even though they say go ahead--I think the reality of it would hurt them--like I walked out on the family too.

By letting him be the one to decide to end the marriage legally- I guess I wouldn't be blamed that I gave up- down the road-it would be all on him- spiteful- yes probably- but that is the way I feel..

I think if you are not sure if you are ready for a new relationship then you are probably not ready...There is nothing wrong with waiting until you are ready....

firenice, if you got divorced, you shouldn't blame yourself. If someone blames you, that is their problem, not yours. Your life's decisions should be based on your will, not on the opinion of others. If someone blames you, so what?

I have consulted an attorney- last April when WH said he was filing--That when I found out(long story)that he had not even filled out preliminary paperwork. The amount of money he gives me may be more than the court would award-filing risks coming out worse financially. My children are over 18- They have to decide for themseleves as far as a relationship with their father and OW. It only works against me if I object- believe me I have tried.

You are probably right about the job- and working more- but it is reality- and I am doing it so I learn some skills and will be more employable in the future- if I am alone.

I quess one of my clients said it best about this mess and him not filing. Her words were" You can't get married if you are married". And maybe that is his thing and his way out of marriage with the OW..

I think you may have something there....My WH said he would never get married again and maybe this is his excuse with OW not to get married that he is not divorced...and who knows what they are telling the OW...they could be saying that we are holding up the divorce or something, ya know?

Melodylane- it isn't anyone placing the blame on me- me placing blame on myself...Nobody would blame me for divorcing him- in fact their probably would be loud applause. I have to come to terms with the fact that I moved on-ending any chance of our marriage surviving-

I quess maybe that is the wimps way out-- maybe I will feel differently as time goes on- In some ways I think I am ready to be done--if WH would be the one to file--maybe I should ask him to??? Ha! would love to hear his response to that request.

I would really like to pick the brain of some FWH that were in the same situation--I know each person has their own reasons- but does this follow a pattern and as time goes on what are the odds of marriage surviving? Anyone know the answer to that- or how may couples in recovery have made it through to the other side after the wayward was living with and making a life with the OP???? For a lengthy time? While willingly giving support to BS?

Ok I have slept on this---The being in Limbo thing---has anyone ever just said to the wayward spouse after they have moved out and lived with the OP as a couple for over a year--" You have chosen to enter into a relationship and build a new life with someone else. Go file Divorce "

Maybe not quite like that- but I keep wondering if what is delaying the process is my WH wanting my permission- he has said on many occassion" What do you want me to do-file for divorce" I really don't know what he is expecting to hear back.

In some ways I wonder if not doing it is a form of punishment to the BS. Especially when they know that you wanted a chance to save the marriage.

I know this is not in the MB way- but has anyone done this. My WH seems to have moved on and resigned himself to his new life.

And a question to those who have recovered after a long time seperated- what was the pivotal point- if any that you started the journey home? What could have your BS done that would have made a difference or was it something you had to fiqure out on your own.

The OP in my case has no motivation to leave- she has gotten what she wants- out of her marriage, out of being a full-time mother, and someone to help support her- financially she could have never left on her own. And seemingly my WH got what he needed- to play the Knight in shining armour. I wonder why he doesn't look giddy?

Food for thought--In some ways I would just like the final brick to tumble to the ground- he took the sledge hammer and started swinging- and just walked away- does he hope the wind will finish off the rest?

And maybe I need to be the one to set him free- If you love someone set them free- if they come back to you they are yours- if not they never were.

Guess I have rambled long enough- but I feel like my life is a bad crossword puzzle....you know the kind..3 and 4 letter words you don't have a clue about-so you can't solve it...

Firenice -- I remember you since we seemed to have a lot in common. Nice to see you back.

I'm two years past d-day and nearly one year in the D process, so things do take a while. Like you, I refused to file knowing that I didn't want that deed on my soul. Plus, an attorney adviced me that financially I was better off married "even on paper" since he was paying all the bills. I'm sure the only reason he DID file was because OW pressured him to do so.

So it's been nearly a year and we are no where near finalizing anything financially. I did get temporary support recently since WH got angry and stopped paying the bills. His anger has grown to the point that he's chosen to cut short even the temporary support so we are headed to court soon.

But... BIG BUT... WH doesn't seem to be pushing as much as I think he should be pushing if he really wants me gone so he can marry OW. Why?

Well, during the past two years, I've been a busy, little bee. I've dug up damaging financial doings by WH in money "lent" to third parties, nonmarital (affair) charges on the credit cards, lines of credit depleted, gambling sprees, etc. that may hurt WH's notion that everything (assets and debts) will be split down the middle. If things go the way I hope they will -- the marriage will end with him walking away with the clothes on his back and me being OK.

So my question to you... do you have any goods on WH that might come into play should you divorce? If so, perhaps that's a reason he's stalling.

Like your WH's OW... mine has everything to gain whether or not we divorce. She has a live in companion, someone supporting her and her kids, etc. If we divorce, she ends up with an old, stressed out guy in huge debt who now HAS to pay child and spousal support.

If... WHEN... we divorce, WH's debts become real since they will -- again I PRAY -- end up in his name only since he incurred most after he filed. And debts while we were married are primarly his, too, but that's harder to prove.

Have you done your homework this past year, Firenice, to see what this will cost you if you push the divorce as opposed to waiting? When WH was paying all the bills and I was coping pretty well, I joked that I was like a "kept" woman without the man.

What is right for someone else may not be right for you. In my situation, I don't know if I would have had the heart to ever file. He did so the decision was out of my hands. I had to contest or he's have walked away with everything. Then I had to get an attorney because WH had the job and the money and I needed some fight on my side.

This is just my story.... and I don't expect WH back anytime soon. He and OW are a couple and I've yet to hear of any fights or breakups. In fact, they seem inseparable so the addiction is still in full swing.

And weird -- but getting a divorce might be what brings us back together. If he ends up with only the shirt off his back, I expect OW to dump him. And with most of the debt in his name, that helps me move on. And with him having to pay spousal and child support, he MIGHT wake up to see that paying me each month hurts when he can't benefit from it. And he can't benefit from it if we are not together.

But that's probably not how my story will end.

Good to have your input Holyheart- yes we do have similar situations. I feel for you in every way!

The thing about digging up dirt on my WH to use as ammunition- well there really isn't any- seriously! By all accounts he was a very straight shooter-not a scroundrel- before all of this...financially I was the one who did the bookeeping so really nothing to hide there. Since he left- I really don't know-but anything he has done since he left will be on him in the end. That is why it is so puzzling- it was just like snap-and we have a whole different man--or maybe I was blind to it all and it was all a charade...

He has many times in the last year did the "right thing" as far as I am concerned. Not that it really matters when he is at the same time doing a very big wrong thing. I believe that this is a direct result of him feeling a sense of guilt and realizing that his children would have severed all ties with him if he did not.

I also know that the OW will not let him out of her site. this fall while she was gone during the day on a weekend playing mom to her kids at one of their events- WH called to ask if he could come and work out in the shop. I really had not had contact of any kind with him- his shop is on our property- so I said that would be OK- he really did not do much but spent most of day out there-basically picking up around the building, picking up trash etc.

I ignored him- was outside pulling the weeds that were out of control around the patio area.

He did do some of that also- no conversation really-anyway- he came back the next day- for several hours. I thought this was odd- but when I realized that OW was gone- it made sense. And yes I broke the no contact--but really no exchage--he is very guarded around me- almost like a like a lost pupppy.

So I guess- it is what it is- I know part of the problem lies within me. It is my nature to know what the plan is--I do not like winging it. I have got much better with taking things as they come-realizing that I do not have control over others actions--or lack of action.

Doesn't make it easy- but I was never promised an easy life- nobody is..and in the scope of things I have many more things that are positive in my life---enough that most of the time they outnumber the negatives!

Oh and Question --At the end of this month DS- 18 will have surgery- much like the one last year in Nov. just previous to WH false homecoming.

I need to be there for my son-And I know WH will also be there. We are looking at a long day in inpatient- I have conceded many times to WH because of the no contact- DS will not make him stay home- I know that- it is me that is uncomfortable he says.

Should I just go- come out of Plan B- for the day and be pleasant but unattached-- or maybe ask him to make out in the car for a bit?!LOL-I bet it has been a while since he cheated on his girlfriend!

Seriously at this point- what would be the best thing to do????

Funny about cheating on his girlfriend....Wouldn't that be deserving? Yep, we're not suppose to give the OW any power, but it would be great for us to burst their bubbles from time to time since we KNOW they are and will always be jealous of US.

Have you seen the trailers for the new movie with Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep called It's Complicated? The couple rekindle while he's married to OW. It's a comedy I hope works out well for the BS.

Be thankful that you will have no financial surprises. Mine will be very ugly because WH's two year affair involved a two year spending spree that basically exhausted every source of money available in both our names. Now HE's complaining about money and possible bankruptcy! He should have thought of that when he booked his ELEVENTH trip to Vegas for New Years!

I don't have any advice about Plan B or breaking it. I guess you just need to do what will make your son feel better. He shouldn't have to worry about this when he's probably already nervous about the surgery. Think if him and do what is right for him.

I have given the surgery thing some thought- alot. Because of Plan B there has been so many times that tension has surrounded any good or bad scary moment of my DS. I know he can't begin to understand- I hardly can- and usually we all come out losers. Recently I always seem like the one who makes his life difficult concerning anything that envolves his dad.

At least WH has gotten that where the kids and grandson are involved the OW is not welcome. But it could be that this time it might not be the case. I know she pretty well makes sure he doesn't have any time alone with me---she is probably wise to fact that the very reason he tried to come home is because of just that. And I am sure she will not like it that we will be together the whole day. Glad I won't have to listen to the text message sound- since cell phones have to be off in the surgery wing!

I thought I would maybe send an email to WH- telling him I will be there the entire day and would like to be parents to our son- he is the most important thing at the moment. We have had to indure 2-3 hr Drs. visits together- but my son is always there to act as a buffer. This will be different.

Or should i just leave it all to chance?

I need some advice what to do about the holidays.

This is the first time ever that i will have to work on Christmas--ever. I am self employed so have always been able to set my own schedule- and accomadate family life.

I am not complaining. I will work Christmas eve until 7pm and then Christmas day from 8am- 6pm. And then it is also my weekend for manager duty so I work Sat and Sun 5am-3pm. This is all at the 2nd job I started working 40 hrs a week- plus I still run my business.

And to complicate things further--my daughter works Christmas eve until 10:15. And it is also her weekend- day hrs til 5pm.

I can see that our time will be hard to juggle at best- Christmas day in the evening is the only time anyting will work for us to be together. It will be different to sya the least.

What I can see happening is WH not making plans until the last minute and then choosing the same time. This happens all the time- and at the last minute- making my children caught in a bad spot. I usually am the one to loose out- fair no- but that is the way it is. His family all lives here- mine doesn't- I have conceded for 22 yrs.

I am thinking of contacting him now to say this is when I will do christmas with my kids. Hoping that this will deter him from choosing that time also.

Just need input- and don't shout out about my children just telling him no- It doesn't happen. Even though they both know how hurtfull it is to me.

My opinion is go with contacting him to say the time you will do xmas with your kids....why should you always lose out on time with them?

I agree. You have just as much right to choose what YOU want as he does, perhaps more, considering that traditionally he gets his way and that your schedules are binding.