Starfish is right. You need to get on Plan B to protect yourself from any more hurt from this monster that your WW has become.

My story is not too disimilar. My WstbxH left me for OW. He ALMOST had me out of my house. Heck, he almost had her IN my house before I left. I got the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, he asked for a divorce and swore up and down there was no affair. He convinced me that it would be best for everyone if he kept the house so I could move closer to my work and our DS would still have a place to come home on weekends. I had actually qualified for a mortgage on my own and had begun looking. At this point, I found out about OW and the affair. This is where our stories differ - I dug in my heels and refused to allow her to have my house.

It made no difference in the end - WstbxH moved out 3 weeks later in with her. (she had been given a deadline to get out of her house and the original plan was for her to move to mine - she had even registered her DD in the local school!!!!) There was nothing nice in the way WstbxH treated me in those days. I had begun snooping in earnest and uncovered all sorts of lies and stolen money etc. At this point, I abandoned recovery - any love I had for the man evaporated completely - and I went onto Plan B. Doing so is what saved my sanity and what keeps me going today.

My Plan B was similar to the MB plan B with one exception - I sent no letter. I just went dark. I had the luxury of having a grown child who didn't live at home anyway and could facilitate his own visitation with either one of us. It's harder with small children, but many here have done it. Plan B removes you from the drama. It protects you from the things that waywards say and do. It has allowed me to move on with my life and let go of the past a little more. Don't get me wrong, I am still scarred and I still hurt. It's just more bearable now. I've made a lot of accomplishments since then and I'm increasingly proud of myself for standing on my own. WstbxH and OW are still together but I have no idea of how "happy" they are. She is a proven serial cheater and I suspect WstbxH is as well but I will never know. It bothers me sometimes but not seeing him or being reminded of them is the best medicine ever. The best thing about Plan B is that it doesn't close any doors. It just protects you - that's all.

I agree with Melody and others who say the OP should never have moved out. But what's done is done, and hopefully he'll take that lesson to his next marriage (if there is one).

The thing is, even though many men do willingly leave their households, in the mistaken belief that it will help their marriages, not all men who leave have a choice. There is a suite of dirty tricks women can pull to force men out of their homes, thanks to this society's hypersensitivity towards even the suggestion of abuse against women and children.

An example of this is what happened to a former coworker of mine some years ago. He was guilted by his wife into leaving their home, "for the good of the marriage, 'cause I need space from you", so she said. In the middle of preparing for the move, he learned she was having an affair and there was a good chance she'd move the OM in after he left. So, naturally, he dug in his heels and refused to move.

After a screaming fight with his wife over his discovery, all the was quiet for two weeks, so quiet his wife refused ot even speak to him. Then he came home from work one day to find his belongings (the ones she didn't want) on the lawn, the door locks changed, and an order of protection filed against him saying he couldn't come within 500 feet or so from the house, the kids or her, citing him as a "threat to the family's safety and well being" or something like that. She was able to file this without even having to provide proof of abuse! He had to walk away under threat of arrest.

So he was summarily barred from his home, and forced to secure legal help. By the time his lawyer finally overturned the protection order, several weeks later, the OM had been moved in and he apparently had few good alternatives to get him out short of selling the house out from under them all, and he didn't want to do that to his kids. He couldn't even file for custody since most of his money has been going to legal fees and he could barely afford a shoebox apt in a not so great neighborhood, which he naturally did not want to expose his kids to.

After a long hard fight (which his wife drew out with more false accusations of abuse) he finally managed to get back into his house-at which point his wife took the kids and ran off with the OM for parts unknown. This was about 3 or so years ago, and as of a year ago (the last time I was in contact with this former coworker) he still has not found them.

Since then I've heard similar tales of women using allegations of abuse (or threats of same) to crowbar reluctant husbands out of the marital home. I'm not saying a man should leave the home just because his wife says so, I'm just saying that there are possible problems he may have to deal with if he doesn't. Basically, guys, if your wife asks you to leave, say no and then GET LEGAL ADVICE! You can bet your (possibly wayward and/or StbX) wife will....

Read PSUBiker's thread for much the same story.

I also know of a nearly identical story - WW cried abuse and managed to get BH locked up in jail overnight - twice! The BH did find lots of help (from his parole officer who was dealing with a bunch of these) and managed to get full custody of his kids and his house back.

There needs to be a fact sheet at the top of this website specifically for men. It seems what men do very early on has the greatest impact on what the end result will be - moreso than women. Not just staying in the home, but also everything with respect to exposure, custody etc.

Walsh, like you when I started posting I too was looking for sympathy...What happened was I got hit with 2x4's by the vets within the first 5 posts. I was horrified, hurt, shocked. I thought I would be given support -- but not what I planned on.

Since then (and yes it took awhile) I have come a long way. Will my M be saved? Only God knows but I have toughened up in both my situation of my M and just life. I always tried to be the peacemaker and never could say No. Had no backbone.

This board has helped me to grow a second skin with my H. At the beginning I almost gave him 40K just before me moved out because I thought it would make him love me again... :twobyfour: :twobyfour: WTH was I thinking about.

But before I came here the WS or aliens confuse us. They make us question our own sanity. We look for our real spouses and don't realize that they no longer exist.

This has been a painful time but it is turning into a recovery time no matter what happens.

That's right, I had forgotten about PSUBIKER's case and how it began-it's gone on so long! I forgot his StbxW (or is it ExW now?) also forced him out of the marital home with false accusations.

Unfortunately, whether the husband leaves voluntarily or is forced out, it seems that once he's out of the marital home, the marriage is truly doomed. If it's the wife who leaves, there's still a chance she could come back.

It's still on the first page (as I write this). There are many lessons to be learned from his thread. His story looks to be headed in the right direction for now, but it's not over yet.

Unfortunately I have to agree with you. Society overall is still geared towards thinking of woman as victims or incapable of being heartless. After all they can cry. :RollieEyes:

Pre-A, FWH used to joke that I was evil LOL. Yeah so...I'm evil in a good way. :twobyfour: Post A he'd be treading on thin ice to say that again anytime soon.

Sorry you are hear Walsh. The library doesn't charge and is a great resource for finding help. I'm not ashamed to say there were some self-help books that changed me for the better. You have two choices, continue to be angry about what has happened, something you can't really change or Pick Yourself Up, Brush Youself off and Build Yourself Up (and don't let anyone knock you down). Start working on you - learn from this experience and move forward.

GG

Hey Walsh:

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for what happened to you. Although I cannot make the hurt go away I just want you to know life can be better after what you have been thru.

I divorced my cheating wife and it is far better than it was living with a cheating woman. I don't have to worry about the lying, cheating anymore and no more worrying.

My mom was a WS who cheated on my dad. The one thing I learned thru that was a BH should be very aggresive and never put down your guard. My poor dad was a nice guy who was raked over the coals. I learned a lot from that. That is one reason why i don't advocate taking a cheating wife back unless she stops all of her cheating right away and proves her worth. Otherwise get the lawyer and file to protect yourself since you can always stop if she changes.

Anyway nothing I can say will make it better but you could meet a better woman and who knows you may look back and be very happy that you don't have your cheating XW anymore. I know it does not seem possible but it can happen. You deserve better than her and it is up to you to heal and get the best revenge of all and that is to be happy without her.

Excellent Remark especially since there's a 90% chance her new M will fail and she'll be miserable or find someother smuck to suck into her lies.

GG

Hey man, I see you're getting acquainted with MB, and you're not finding it much to your liking.

It is unfortunate that you found this place after your M ended, you would have at least been warned what to expect had you found this place sooner. That's just the way it worked out for you though, nothing that can be done about the past.

But, your interactions with your XW are far from over. You have a young child together, so you are going to be forced to interact with her like it or not.

Recognizing the mistakes you made in dealing with the destruction of your marriage will help you in the future. Your XW is still a lying cheater. She will be until she decides not to be. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself and not be victimized by her choices. This place can help you learn how to do this, and the first step in that endeavor is your recognizing your own faults and mistakes and learning how to act differently in the future.

Pretty much everyone here has been touched in some way by infidelity, most of us as the betrayed spouse. Some of us found a way to save our marriages, some of us didn't, but all of us give and recieve help from the rest of the community.

As you study this site you will begin to recognize where you went wrong and are still wrong. Everyone thinks thier situation and what they went through/are going through is so very unique and complicated. As you read about other situations and Harley's thoughts on infidelity you will start to see your situation mirrored in everyone elses plight. Once you realize this you will be able to pull back a bit from your pain and take a more objective look at what has happened and is happeing to you. This is a GOOD thing, for you and for your child. You can't learn from a mistake that you don't recognize, can you?

Welcome to MB, sorry for what you went through. All of us feel for you, either because we went through something similar, or because we know that we very easily could have.

Walsh your wife was wrong to have an affair and you were wrong the way you responded to her affair. If you had found MB when you found out about the affair maybe we could of helped save your marriage. There is not much to be done now.

You responded the best you could, but how many wives have cheated on you before? Exactly, so how could you know what to do to save your marriage.

This thread is months old and Walsh is probably long gone, but I thought I should add that I don't think Walsh's actions would have made a difference in saving his marriage. After all, if I read the sequence of events right, his wife moved out FIRST to her parents' house, THEN her PARENTS asked HIM to come stay with them, and HER to move back to the marital home.

I'm inclined to think from these events, and from how quickly she moved OM in and married him after the divorce, that even if Walsh had refused to move out, his XWW would not have moved back home with him, she would have just gotten her own place with OM and married him anyway. If she didn't have the money to do this herself, she would have talked her parents into financing it and they would have done it just to get rid of her-they obviously did NOT enjoy her company.

They may even have known of her affair back then, and talked Walsh into moving in with them so THEY didn't have to LIVE with it or possibly finance it. Which would make them not very upstanding people either if true...

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