Over on the SAA forum a thread was started about SF, how it is not the same as other EN's, about people who deliberatly withhold it, and people not wanting it.

Here is a link to page two where I made my first reply (3rd post down)

We got kinda side tracked with my need for SF and my wifes apparent lack of a need for it. But since we have an OC, that thread got kinda off topic, so I wanted to continue it here.

Yes on most nights she sleeps through the night. Yes she is teething.

On days she works (2 days per week) the baby goes to her grandmas, I pick her up after work and almost always have her asleep and somthing fixed for dinner by the time wife gets home.

On nights when she does not work, I will usually watch the baby as much as possible when I get home wile fixing dinner. Then wife puts her to bed wile I clean up.

On the weekends I get up with the baby in the morning and watch her till wife wakes up or noon when we go wake her up.

We rarley let the baby stay elswhere over night. But it does happen every few months.

I feal like I do as much as I can to give wife time without baby and take care of the other domestic choors so she is not overloaded.

Yet SF is what got wife into this mess....

See the Irony?

Good wow or bad wow?

And here we are

A little, every now and then. But mostly no.

Nope

Troubling....
Not really, nothing I would not expect from a wayward who is earley in recovery. I snoop quite a bit, I have not found out anything alarming.

I think the fantasy part of the fog has been preatty much shattered. But I do think she is still going through withdrawel.

Could be.
Like I said, I think her problem with SF with me is I am not a poorley tattoed, fellon who pushes a lawnmower for a living.

Things are progressing, recovery is a long process and I know that. Overall we are more loving, spend more time with each other, and are far kinder to each other than we had been before the A.

Exept for this one thing.

I still think a lot of your W's problems with SF may be related to the natural changes that a woman's body goes through after giving birth. I'm a member of another board of new moms (it's called The Baby Center, if you're interested) and the one thing I have heard from many of the moms on that site is how having a baby has negatively affected their desire for SF. It takes time for things to get back to normal after having a baby, and some things just never are the same.

Another thing I was wondering - what type of birth control are you guys using? When I was on the pill, my desire for SF went way down. If your W is on the pill, or any other form of hormonal birth control, that could also be a contributing factor.

It sounds like you're doing everything right. An OC can definitely lengthen the time it takes to get over the withdrawal phase. For me, I harbored a huge amount of guilt knowing that the OM was missing out on the opportunity to watch our OC grow up. In the beginning, he very much wanted to be a part of her life, but my H and I decided, for the sake of our family, that NC would be best. The OM finally agreed, but my guilt was still there. Every time the baby reached a new milestone - her first smile, the first time she rolled over, when she started to crawl - I would get hit with a pang of guilt knowing that the OM was missing out on watching such a beautiful little girl grow up. But it has gotten better with time, and what made it better for me was finding this site and getting affirmations from others who had been in my shoes that I was doing the right thing by choosing NC with the OM. Having this place to come to and others to talk to who had been in my shoes was a godsend.

I'm wondering if you have talked with your W about this site and if she would be willing to come here? It really might do her a world of good to realize that she's not alone and that others have been where she is now. Just a thought. I don't know if she would be open to it, but it never hurts to ask.

I think you are doing an amazingly difficult thing. There probably aren't many men who would accept an OC with no COM's. I think it makes your situation unique, and probably more difficult as well. But it does sound as though you and your W are doing pretty well, overall. If your W is more loving towards you, as you say, I wouldn't think she's still hung up on the lawnmower-pushing felon. He sounds like a real winner. It seems to me as though your W figured out who was the better man when she decided to return and work on your M.

No, this is my opinion of OM.

He is a poorley tattoed fellon who pushes a lawnmower for a living.

That is a fact.

However, this never comes through in the real world.
We almost never talk about OM.

I think so too, atleast I hope so. :MerryChristmas:

I think you missed what Pep was saying. You don't have to talk about OM but you are knocking yourself thinking like that and some of the things you have said do show resentment....which is normal and completely understandable. This may come out in your behavior even though you don't literally say the words. You have been dealt a hard hand and it sounds like you are doing rather well in spite of it. Have you specifically spoken with W about the lack of sex, how it makes you feel, and what is her take on it? And I'm not talking about dropping hints, assuming or "she should know" sort of thing.

I agree. It's very difficult to keep your true feelings about something from shining through. You may think you're doing a good job of not showing any lingering resentment, but usually people aren't anywhere near as good at hiding their feelings as they think they are.

I was reading over at SAA and wanted to add my 2 cents if you don't mind.

Do you think maybe your wife is not interested in SF because of how she feels about herself physically and emotionally?

If she is uncomfortable with her body after the baby, she isn't going to want SF.

If she is continually beating herself up over the A, she isn't going to want SF.

I'm not familiar with your story, so I don't know where your wife is at mentally in regards to her A, but I do know that how I feel about myself has a direct line to how I feel about SF. And believe me, what I have done to my H, my marriage and myself has had a huge affect on my desire for SF.

I'd bet my left big toe that it's this reason.

Even after being m'd to my hubby for 15 years, I am STILL ashamed I was ever with my ex...and the Wookie just LOATHES him...which makes it worse.

Maybe, but I try hard for it not to show.

Yes

Yes

I have gotten a myriad of excuses, everything from "I feel so bad about what I did to you that I almost cry during it" to "I am just not interested in it".

The funniest, and most disturbing was when she tried to educate me on what men want. It seems I am weird for still wanting sex after marriage.

No, we have had direct talks about how much this bothers me, and the way it makes me feal (Worthless, unwanted, unloved, not manley, etc) I have explained to her that it is my #1 emotional need, and that it is not being met. There is no possible way I have not been clear about this.

She just does not understand.
Or does not care.
Or just finds me disgusting sexualy.

I don't know witch.

I don't think she is uncomfortable about her body. Pre A/OC my wife was a super hottie, and she new it. (She even did some modeling) Post birth, she is 5lbs lighter, and does not have one single stretch mark, not one. Everyone comments on how quickley she returned to her pree pregnancy state. Her sisters are insanley jeliouse, and she has no problems wearing a bikini at a public pool or beach.

We are preaty early in recovery. I dont think she blames me for the whole thing anymore, but I definitly don't see her beating her self up over it.

I think she is in the "You need to get over it so we can move on" stage, but I'm not sure.

> I definitly don't see her beating her self up over it.


What you see and what's going on in her pointed little head are two different things entirely.

Just sayin'.