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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 91
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Brief synopsis: Discovery of H's affair with "friend" 4 months ago. H was very remorseful at first then after about a month he was like so many other H here, he didn't want to discuss it. Just wanted it to be in the past.<P>This morning he found out that I am archiving his emails to my computer. Somehow my archive file got screwed up and it posted an error message to his computer that my file didn't exist. He asked me if this was how I was checking up on him and I said yes. Now he is acting very strange. I think tonight he may say he has had enough. I fear he will say he has hurt me too bad and he can't handle the hurt and distrust, etc. so the best thing to do is split up. He has had no contact with OW to my knowledge. <P>The bad thing is that I have done very well not LB for months. Last night I just had a very bad night and cried and cried while he held me in his lap. We didn't discuss anything, he just held me. This just about killed him though. He can't stand to face the hurt he has caused me. I think his answer will be to get out so he doesn't have to face it.<P>We have had no counseling (he thinks its malarkey) and have been doing pretty well so far I thought. Are there others out there that held their feelings in because their SO didn't want to discuss the affair after a period of time?? Are we (the betrayed) wrong for having brought it up again just so we can have a reality check???<P>Maybe I am wrong to snoop, but my trust level is not back to par yet. Help....if he wants to split, what do I say.... I can't help the hurt that I feel.

Joined: Jan 1999
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If he is serious about working on the marriage wants to stay to begin with, he won't leave over this. If he was unwilling to discuss/answer questions you might have had, what else can he expect in order for you to regain your trust for him. How come it always comes back to being our fault that we can't trust them????

Joined: Aug 1999
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Thanks, Janie. Sometimes I think I am losing my mind and my perspective. I have told no one about the affair so this site is my only sounding board (which i am addicted to). I feel that way too. H and the OW got off scot-free and I get blamed for not trusting him.......<P>AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Joined: Apr 1999
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I hate to say it, but it does say in SAA that if the betrayer wants to separate, it is usually because it is more convenient to get back with the op. This is not always the case and it may not be in yours, but be fully aware of the fact.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Joined: Oct 1999
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Good to talk to you zombie.<P> I hoe I will be of some help. I to have cried in my W's Lap. She also has told me that when she sees the pains she has caused that she feel that I deserve better then her. I have told her that I choose whom I love & I have chosen her. I to have a hard time trusting her about OM they still work together. But guess what I have found out something very special. That I do have the power to change how things are. I do not need to sit around & wait for her or in your case His Decision. I am learning about me my wife & problems that I did to cause this problem. Let me give you a small example of what I am talking about.<P> When my wife stays at work late I feel insecure & worried about OM.<P>No matter what I do I can't change what she feels for him but I can change the way she feels for me & the way I feel about me. Let's reverse this and then you will see the same thing I did. I went into shock it takes a couple of days for this to sink in. When it does you will feel much better that you can make changes. You just have to be patient & remember that you do have the power to make things work out.<P>When I feel insecure & worried about OM my wife stays at work late.<P> I have found out that our feelings of insecurity & hopelessness don't help our situation we must learn to be strong. Share our feelings but don't let them frighten your spouse. I still need to find the right way to share them but for now I will share them with all of you until I have learned the right way to share them with my W. <P> We do have power to make things work. We can pray I bet you do every day. We can talk to friends & family we can also share with our spouse but we must not love bust when we do. And when we cry in their laps or make them feel guilty we are love busting. We need to deposit all the Love units we can right now.<P> One Last thought you are right that this is so unfair. But if you want to sit next to you being right all alone then you have made your choice. I know that I want to sit next to my wife next year & tell her how much I love here & want to here her say she loves me Back. It is going to be hard but when it is come here & tell everyone about it. It helps<P><BR>Hugs & prayers for you zombie<P><BR> LotsofHope<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>

Joined: Apr 1999
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Hi Zombie,<BR> Your H is most likely using this as a reason to justify the affair and/or get together with OP....be aware(like Chris said). My H said the same thing and was seeing the Ow again , it's SO nice that they are so concerned about us that they want to separate(to spare our feelings)....bull.....Lu

Joined: Sep 1999
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Zombie:<P>So sorry to hear of your problem. I know I told you about the e-mail thing, but I did temper it with advise on not snooping. I understand your need, though. My W still can't keep from it. She distrusts me still after a year and a half. If I get up too early or work on the computer, she is constantly looking over my shoulder and asking questions. I tell her that her queries are more like interrogations. <P>Lu: I agree with you on your point. I got to the point that I wanted to just leave and go with OW just to find some peace. I finally realized that I was the majority jerk so I took all she had to throw at me and believe me she still throws it. She doesn't want me to forget how much I hurt her and I wish it would just go away. But I know she has just cause so I just pucker up and take it. But I have to tell you that for a moment I thought it would be best (for me) to just leave and jump into the OW arms. I'm glad I didn't do that but it has been a challenge.<P>Flip

Joined: Sep 1999
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Zombie:<P>So sorry to hear of your problem. I know I told you about the e-mail thing, but I did temper it with advise on not snooping. I understand your need, though. My W still can't keep from it. She distrusts me still after a year and a half. If I get up too early or work on the computer, she is constantly looking over my shoulder and asking questions. I tell her that her queries are more like interrogations. <P>Lu: I agree with you on your point. I got to the point that I wanted to just leave and go with OW just to find some peace. I finally realized that I was the majority jerk so I took all she had to throw at me and believe me she still throws it. She doesn't want me to forget how much I hurt her and I wish it would just go away. But I know she has just cause so I just pucker up and take it. But I have to tell you that for a moment I thought it would be best (for me) to just leave and jump into the OW arms. I'm glad I didn't do that but it has been a challenge.<P>Flip


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