RH,

It is a little weird to say "I will forgive her." Now if you say "I will forgive her if .... or when ...." then that makes sense to me.

BTW, I think the counselors are crap for saying that to you. I would have stood up and left.

I think, forgiveness should not be conditional, nor love. I DO love her, and I WILL forgive her. But, commiting my life to her again, that is conditional. I can love her and forgive her as my ex wife too. Things happen, I am not perfect, I could have been the one to stray, under the right conditions. But, the fact that she withheld this from me. The fact that I can't even fathom the hurt inside of me. I don't know how to get through that, and I don't see, how we can move on in a marriage until I can come to terms with that. I am looking for someone else to talk to about this, I might try to talk to this guy again, just to see if I was missing his point. Or if he was missing mine, or if we just don't agree. There was not much understanding in him for my pain, so I don't see how that is any help to me.

RH,

Love and Forgiveness are both conditional. TO illustrate this, suppose she started cheating again in what ever would be the most painful to you, and was unrepentant, and refused to leave. At some point you would not love her. I stopped loving my XWW and I have not forgiven her. I don't really care about her at all anymore.

I also do not believe that I would ever have an A. I wouldn't harp on this but ideas like unconditional love, that you could stray under the right conditions, are a little too wayward thinking for me.

I am sorry to hear about that. It's a God thing, unconditional love and forgiveness. I am not capable of it with out Him. But, If she did this again, I would still love her, and I would still forgive her, though probably as my XWW. I am not so errogant as to say that I am not capable of infadelity. I am a little to, not the outgoing type, so the odds of me actually meeting another woman is slim. And I am not very open to my emotions to make a connection. But, I have been tempted before, had the situation been a little different.. . . . . ? I don't think I could do it, but I am not going to say never.

RH,

I wasn't trying for sympathy. I'm very happy now, happier than I have been in many years. My children are joyous and doing well, I have a fantastic grandson. My life is as good as it could be.

I'm atheist so the god things are impossible for me to understand. I've tried and I can have good friends who are religious but on that one thing neither of us can see the others perspective at all. It's kind of interesting.

As to me, I will never cheat period that is it, I will never rape, I will never steal... I won't do those things ever under any circumstances.

Okay, new struggle has arisen, sex. I just can't keep from thinking about someone else knowing her intimately. I have never had that before, I thought I was her only. Every time we have had sex from D-Day to a few days ago, I thought about it but I could perform alright. But, a few days ago, we were having sex, and right in the middle of it, I just, was overwhelmed by the thoughts, "were you like this with him?" I had to just get up and walk away. Then, yesterday, I was feeling that desire for her, and seeing her naked was fine, but when I started touching her, BAM. I just couldn't get there, I could tell she was a little off as well. It was like work, more than enjoyment. Sex with her always felt so pure, so clean, and right. Now it is tainted, and not pure for me. I don't know if we should stop having sex for a while, or if we should keep at it and try to re-establish that it is just us now. I am feeling very imasculated, impotent, ashamed of her. She just keeps talking like we will be fine and things will be great. I dont' really want to talk in those terms yet. This decision is not made yet for me, whether to keep her or not. It feels like once again she is making decisions without me. Anyone else been here? Can anyone else relate? On another note, I am seeing a trend in those who have been unfaithful. It seams like they are all, "compartmentalizers", and most of us betrayed are lost to that thinking. Is there, anyone else seeing this?