Atena, I don't think my WW is a serial cheater, I just think she's not capable of maintaining a relationship when things start getting tough. In her case, it's a twist on the old saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

In her case, the "going" = "leaving."

And no one should dilude themselves into thinking that an abandoned betrayed spouse has a 93% chance of their WS returning. That is just false my friend. Its probably remote at best..DUDE

Is there a term for "serial monogamist?"

I think it probably exists. Sort of a "seasons of life" person. They aren't a cheater, they just get bored w/ the current relationship, end it, then start a new one! DUDE

Serial monogamist=cowardly cake-eater

How is that cake eating? I thought we used cake eatin for married folks enjoying all the benefits of marriage while having someone on the side. DUDE

Thank you everyone. I think I am going to be like my Boston Terrier, Sadie, I am going to be happy. She is the happiest living thing on this earth. I have never seen her be anything else but happy. She plays with everyone and all other animals. She even plays well just by herself. I am going to take a page out of Sadie's book and be happy with myself and life. I like and respect myself and so do my family and friends. And Sadie loves me and thinks I am great and so do I.

Everyone here has great advice and thoughts. I know that Plan B is for me to heal and recover myself, but it would be nice to have my husband come back. I know that everyone of us has thought that as well and that hasn't happened for everyone. If my WH doesn't come back I will survive and I know that. My Christmas wish for all of us is that we have a good one with or without our WS. They are the ones who will lose out in the long run. We just have to remember that.

Its tough, I know. Have a good weekend. PEACE

DUDE

Okay, Cat, that really made me laugh. I just pictured this lizard guy with a long tail walking in the door saying, "Hey Hon, I'm back....." Kinda like that Geico gekko dude......

Well, thanks for the chuckle -- even if it wasn't intended.........

Well, Well, guess who texted me today? My WH. He had heard I had been having trouble with me internet connection through our DD 19. That was 2 or 3 weeks ago. I fixed itmyself. He just volunteered to come over and fix it for me. I didn't respond. He has to know when I am on the internet because we have AOL and it shows when our family and friends are on it. Please, I am not that stupid. Wonder what he really wants. Not looking into that too closely. Don't trust him. Probably wants to talk about the divorce again. Today I don't really care, just want things to over with. I know I am rambling again. Some days I want him back so bad it hurts and other days I could care less and could care less if I never saw him again.

I just found my DD 21 Boxer, Baby, dead outside. I couldn't get hold of either of my daughters. I was doing fine digging a hole in the backyard, but when I had to put her the hole I lost it. I started crying and sobbing and then it started to rain. This has been a crappy year. First I hadn't been working much, then my WH accidently killed my dog, Winston, then a week after that I discovered the cell phone calls, then a month after that my H leaves me, my daughters are rarely home anymore, and now Baby dies. I feel like God has abandoned me. I am tired of hurting. I know that isn't doing this to me but I feel like he is letting it happen to me. What am I going to tell my daughter, she turns 22 in 2 days and now her dog has died. I feel so abandoned right now.

{{{Traci}}} I know it all seems horrible right now, but things will improve; they have to!

I'm sorry about your loss; it's so hard to lose a pet.

Wow Tracy! You are an awesome woman.

Sorry to here about your DDs boxer

I have been reading through the 10 pages in this thread and one theme keeps jumping out at me. You have worked hard and held his hand for most of your marriage. Paying for his stuff and bringing him to your gym.. Did you ever consider that for most of your marriage you have been the giver? Its a characteristic that is mostly possesed by women who take responsibility. Men can be responsible and love thier wife and marriage but I see more women that are willing/able to nurture than men.

I see that you have taken the right steps for your recovery. You have done everything that you need to do and have the patience of Job. You are experiancing the pain and holding up, bracing yourself, nurturing the right things in life and for yourself to live healthy. You are heading for a success story for you.

You say that you want him back. I say why? If my suspicions are correct he has allways performed at a level below you. Job maybe, IDK, but is he the type of guy who will sit down and ENTHUSIASTCALLY work with you to build up your marriage? I smell a man with low self esteem, something you know about allready and have given him grace with. I also suspect that he is attracted to the other women because she looks up to him. Something that he either isn't capable of earning from you or that you have made it to easy for him so he didn't have to in the past. With his health issues and the probability that his age and lessened testostrizone <sp> his A is probably mostly emotional needs being met by the simple-minded younger women.

I say this to you to give you hope. I also want you to know that if he is going to hide away from what I can only describe as an awesome wife,(you are BTW), than it is his own loss. You cannot make him see what he is missing or nurture him into whatever confidance he is lacking. You have been stellar as a wife. You did not cause this because you loved him too much.

The principals on this site will help you work this out if he will do them with you. He will have to grow up some more, yeah, he is missing out on what could be an awesome chance to build his marriage and therefore himself. I say you let him crash and burn in this A. It will happen and I hope he seeks help. The consequences of his actions will be what drive him to revelation. He might need to be totally alone to realize what he is missing.


Of course God hasn't abandoned you but he is allowing it to happen. He has a better plan for your life and is drawing you near. Please realize that the healthy and responsible life you are leading and the convictions you embrace are catalysts for positive change and growth. Your H was the one who ran away from the marriage. Let God handle him.

BTW I wouldn't need statistics to see that he will regret leaving you. and in the future he will probably want to come back. Don't let him untill you both agree he needs to take responsbility for himself and works to sweep you off your feet.
If you allow him back before he mans up and seeks help for himself you won't be doing anybody any favors. I agree that he should be in the house with you if he will admit he needs help but its up to you to expect his full compliance.

His text message is telling me that he is thinking about you. Either to manipulate you or because he had a fight with OW and things do not look as good. HOwever, you did well not to respond and to keep up plan B. Don't you love it when you decide?
Boy, thinking about the situation your H is...really maybe him leaving you is g-d's way of saying: let's get this man out of this great woman's life so she can accoplish xyz and truly be happy.
I see it htat way. Everything has a purpose and g-d is only trying to tell you this: you need to be alone for a while, just you and figure out who you really are. Then you will be ready to go on with bigger and better plans for your life...which might include a man who deserves you. Imagine being with a wonderful man who meets all your EN without you having to spoon feed him thru a R!
blessing

I'm with atena, in a way. While I am not a religious person, I do believe that every thing happens for a reason.

A.A. teaches us a number of principles that, in times like these are sometimes hard to grasp:

1) Acceptance. The first step in 12-Step recovery programs requires us to admit that we are powerless over (people, places, things), and that our lives are unmanageable. A friend of mine says that if this is hard to understand, try replacing the word "unmanageable" with "unbearable."

2) OUR plans don't work. OUR plans get us where we are. So it's necessary to find something more powerful than ourselves and to work to understand that a greater plan is at work.

3) TURN IT OVER. Some people misinterpret this concept. What this really means is that we BECOME WILLING to have our problems handled by this Higher Power or Greater Plan.

In many ways, MB proposes the same principles: Your WS has taken a course of action that angers, saddens and befuddles you. No matter how you feel, you are powerless to change that person or the current status of the situation. Since we too, are not in a healthy, sane state of mind, we are the LAST people who should be making the decisions on how to handle it. Part of the reason for the situation has been (and I'm ready for the flame-throwers) our inability to recognize what we were not doing to keep things growing and blossoming (in other words, OUR PLAN). So we come here and find people who have FOUND A PLAN. Our next step is to find the willingness to listen to these people and to follow their SUCCESSFUL PROGRAM OF RECOVERY.

I have learned just recently that tribulations teach patience; patience,experience; experience,hope. This is what God is teaching me and everyone else if we let him. I feel better today. I know that I will have ups and downs, good days and bad days, I just have to learn by them and develop patience. I have hope and that is what matters.
DD 21 was told yesterdayy that her dog,Baby, died and she was devastated and through the tears said, "Happy Birthday, to me".
I think that I am doing ok right now and was kind of proud of myself for not answering my WH text message.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs wit a 2 and 3 yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Yep, you should be very proud of yourself for going thru all this with dignity and strenght and by accepting reality and not fighting it. Acceptance is a powerful tool. When we start being friendly towards events that seem to make no sense we are being friendly to life and life (g-d) knows that we have learned a lesson and can move on. "Difficult situations" become less and less because we not longer label them that way. They are what they are and who are we to judge?
I read somewhere that if now, in this very moment...if all our problems would disappear we will be, in 6 months time, in the same situation we are in now, with the same problems hidden under a different form.
When we fight life we get more of the same because it means we have not learned what we needed to and we have not reached what g-d wants us to reach or be.
We must have faith that what we are going thru has a purpose and a good one indeed.
blessing

Great, now my WH has text me again and wants to know what I have done to get his name off of the loan on the house. There is no way I will be able to refinance the house. My name is connected to his truck, my car, and my youngest daughter's vehicle is in both of our names and I have co-signed on my oldest daughter's car. He can't make me refinance the house and plus we are still married. Why can't he leave me alone?! He has left me alone for 5 1/2 weeks and now he is at it again. I didn't return his text. I am at work and now I am upset and I feel like my nerves are shot. I have no idea what to do except ignore him.

How did you get him off the loan? DUDE

He is still on the house loan. He wants his name off of it because he trying to get rid of his truck and then in a year he wants to try to get another truck and he wants to be able to finance one on his own. He will not be able to get rid of his truck because he is about $3000 upsidedown on it.