PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TRAITS
*Will make dates and stand people up.
*May be in denial about passive aggressive behaviors, claiming only good intentions.
*Are frequently in trouble in work situations for excessive tardiness and incomplete tasks.
*Have high rates of somatic complaints and headaches.
*May abuse alcohol and substances.
*In relationships may complain about partners to third parties instead of discussing issues directly with their partners.
*Chronically "forgets" to do important tasks whether for self or others..
*Sensitive about being requested to do things.
*Fearful of being disliked.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
Passive aggression is learned and it can be unleaned. Often it's developed in childhood as a way to cope with being overcontrolled by parents. Later this overcontrol may be projected onto authority figures, teachers, bosses, and spouses. Passive aggression is sometimes modeled within families.
What are the signatures of passive aggressive behavior and those who've learned to operate in this indirectly aggressive way? Persons who act in passive aggressive ways tend to:
*Have difficulty saying no to persons viewed as authorities/bosses/teachers/spouses/. In seeming to outwardly comply with requests, the passive aggressive person will procrastinate, leave tasks undone, obstruct, do an insular job, do what was not requested, misplace, or "forget" to perform the requested tasks. When asked about their problem with delivering, the passive aggressive individual is likely to make excuses, blame, or become sullen while claiming only good intentions.
*Often feels put upon, controlled, pressured, and victimized.
*Frequently is involved in fibbing, omitting information, or lying to avoid direct confrontation.
*Often has challenges paying bills in a timely manner and may have a poor credit history.
*People are angry with me for no good reason.
*I forget sometimes, doesn't everyone?
*I hate being told what to do or being pressured.
*I'll do this in my own time. I'm in no hurry--screw them.
*I hate deadlines. They can wait.
*Being angry isn't me--I won't give in.
**I know I promised, but things came up.
*People try real hard to control and dominate me.
*I'm nothing if I let others take advantage of me.
*It's easier to fib than to get in a possible argument.
*Others put too many demands on me.
*They have no right to be upset with me--I really tried.
*Bosses, lovers, teachers are always trying to get over, get the most out of me. They can wait.
The term passive-aggressive clearly describes a discrete behavior, but it is not certain that it describes a discrete diagnostic category. A more comprehensive concept of a negativistic personality that is not so narrowly focused upon the one essential passive-aggressive trait of resistance to external demands. He believes that the negativistic personality reflects both this general contrariness and disinclination to do as others wish and also presents with a capricious impulsiveness, an irritable moodiness, and an unaccommodating, fault-finding pessimism.
An essential feature of PAPD is a pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational settings.To be diagnosed with this disorder, individuals must meet the general criteria of a personality disorder and at least five of the following:
*Deliberately slow or poor work on unwanted tasks;
* obstruction of the efforts of others even as these individuals fail to do their share of the work;
* avoidance of obligations by claiming to have forgotten them
* passive resistance to fulfilling social and occupational tasks through procrastination and inefficiency;
* complaints of being misunderstood, unappreciated, and victimized by others;
* sullenness, irritability, and argumentativeness in response to expectations;
* angry and pessimistic attitudes toward a variety of events;
* unreasonable criticism and scorn toward those in authority;
* envy and resentment toward those who are more fortunate;
* alternating behavior between hostile assertion of personal autonomy and dependent contrition
Most essential features of PAPD are irritable affect; behavioral contrariness, obstructiveness, and sulking; discontented self-image, e.g. feels unappreciated and misunderstood; deficient regulatory control, i.e. poorly modulated emotional expression; and interpersonal ambivalence. They are noted for their interpersonal conflict, verbal aggressiveness, and manipulative behavior
PAPD resistance to external demands is manifested in oppositional and obstructive behaviors. These individuals resent having to conform to the standards set by others. On the other hand, they fear direct confrontation. The combination of resentment and fear leads to passive, provocative behavior
1. those with anxiety or depression (about one third);
2. those who are self-defeating and locked into punishing relationships;
3. those who are vindictive; and
4. those who begrudgingly put their lives on hold to care for others, e.g. an ill relative
DEALING WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR
Fear is always under anger. And the term passive aggressive is about passive subversive ways to show anger and resentment.
sometimes referred to as Narcissism
First, you must make feel safe by backing off and refusing to do anything that makes them feel controlled - at least, for a while. This means do not ask them for anything and do not expect them to do anything for you. This is not permanent, of course; it's just a way to try to turn things around.
Refraining from what frightens them just gives you a break. It makes not difference to them, they still need their fix. Like leaving a drug addict alone does not stop them needing a fix.
Second, when you see that THEY are trying to control YOU - as in keeping secrets, witholding information, making plans and decisions without you - you simply tell them you know it's deliberate and you're sorry they've chosen to treat you that way. Then you walk away.
These two things might - might - open your partner's eyes to their own controlling behavior and show them that it's really not getting them what they want. All it's really doing is getting rid of you because you are no longer willing to be controlled, either.
The experts say, that the only thing that works is to call them on it. Say it how it is and leave them to it. THEN if they eventually get it, they may go and work out the demons they have brought from their past and stop needing the fix to overcome their incessant anxiety and fear.
They often marry people who are very able in dealing with stress and very loving, being attracted to someone who they think can love them enough to make them feel safe or cope with whatever they encounter/cause.
It's amazing the similarities between handling PA's and kids. I dont have kids, but I watch the nanny shows. Per the nannys', bad behaviour gets immediate repercussions. (I cant spell). You have to be prepared to leave any store, any resturant, any event at the drop of a hat.
They start acting up, the event is over.
I was doing that with my exH. I'd make sure to have a ride or a car so I could leave without him, if needed. I'd grab my keys and leave the house, if I had to. If I was stuck and wanted to leave, he's say no, stay, and continue to sulk and pout. See, if he really didnt want to be somewhere he'd welcome any opportunity to leave. No, what he wanted was to yank my chain. He wanted control. Like kids, you have to remove any forms of control.
I am judgmental and proud of it!!!
Judgment- The capacity to assess situations or circumstances and draw sound conclusions; good sense:
Judgmental- Of, relating to, or dependent on judgment:
What I do not do is pass Disrespectful Judgments.
So I assess the situation and say it sucks so I am judgemental of you. No the situation sucks.
See my FWW does not discern from situational judgment and personal judgement.
Aha if I am judging the situation I am judging---- that is the forte of the P/A - they marry people who will take responsibility for their own experience. That way they get away with it for a long time before we wake up. Then we still feel that somehow we have done something wrong.
Truth is .. I feel SO OUT of control, it's pathetic. I feel I have NO control, because he controls me and the situations with his anger. Somebody here mentioned that that's abuse. I feel it in my heart and spirit, yet I keep blaming myself for things. Reply � Quote � Quick Reply �
By intimate, yes I mean romantic .. but I also mean hmmmm, how do I put this ... he can't connect. It's as if I'm there with him, but I'm not there at all. When we're together, he's constantly looking everywhere at everyone, he never 'connects' to me, even in a restaurant, unless it's a booth where it's all by itself.
I never feel 'visible' with him, in public or private. I can't really put it into words,
It often strikes me that P/As are very immature in a lot of ways. Even the experts say so - that P/A behavior is essentially what 10-year-olds do so they can have fun behind Mommy's back and not get in trouble for it.I know the PA goes through life thinking something is wrong with everyone else
That makes you the crazy one. If I polled everyone who knew my FWW very few would describe the person I know. That is because she is very nice and giving to people that need her help. IMHO that is because she does not percieve them as someone that can control her.
They do it for for fun, for a high, not from fear, it is BORN of fear, created in their childhood from fear, and that is where they get you. They pretend, and we looking for a nice excuse join the pretense that they fear being controlled - no, NO. They get over that when they perfect their spousal abuse techniques.
Then they know they have the control to access the high they get from the POWER they develop. AND the unknowing spouse offers them that excuse - FEAR - and they jump on it, it echos their youth, the patterning, and they can really commit to believing it is fear,
I have noticed that the MB principles do not seem to acknowledge P/A behavior at all. I can tell you that I was getting NOWHERE until I saw this thread and finally realized what I was dealing with.
All of this felt like divorce to me, but WH did not fail to notice these things. However, I was still far too attached and still having severe panic and anxiety attacks that just played into his hands that I was "crazy" and "needed help".
learning about P/A, I did the following:
Started calling him on his behavior when I saw it
Told him that I knew now that he had been deliberately and intentionally sabotaging every effort I made at being a couple for many years, in order to keep me at a safe distance so I could not "control" him. He said, "Yeah, I guess I have. I'd say that's true."
Ever see a cat playing with a mouse and another tries to take it away
Last edited by myopia; 12/15/09 02:56 AM.
