Its been a very difficult few days. I did not go to the party. I could not find a babysitter; I even asked my neighbor. However, that night I exposed the A to my family, her parents, and the OM's mom who already knew.

My WW flipped out, and went mad when she found out that I told her parents, which are actually not her parents. Her biological grandfather and his second wife raised her. They took her in when she was 11. She has come from a very chaotic and abusive childhood and I feel like this has a lot to do with her self-fulfilling actions. It also worries me that she is not the person that I thought. When she revealed the A, she said, "I am ****edit**** and have always been, I just learned to be really good at convincing everyone around me that I was not."

After she found out that I exposed the A to her parents, she left for hours and did not talk to me when she came back. She was still furious. I stood my ground, but I broke..yes I collapsed and went from the cool James Bond to my old self. I appologised, and told her that I loved her and that I was lost and needed to talk to somebody. Since then I have been smothering her with affection, like I was doing before to make myself feel better.

I am afraid that I am a lost cause, and will do anything to keep the family together, even take the abuse. The only good thing that came out of the battle was that I gave her an ultimatum to break all contacts, or we are done.

UC,
You're not a lost cause - you are human. Your next step is to follow Plan A. Go back to my post that provides the link on finding out about Plan A. I think you'll like it because you can be affectionate but still use the Stick part to start to change things around and end contact. You cannot believe anything she tells you. Did you expose to her boss?

Gg

UC,

One more time. Do the DNA test so you have all the facts.

Another critical thing to work on is lining up MANY babysitters who know the score and could be utilized at short notice for the future.

I do know how difficult it is to get this support system set up. It, quite frankly is largely why I was not meeting important emotional needs of my WH's and why there were gaps for OW to fill in my place.

Babysitters are gold. Many on a list to call critical to the future of your plan A.

Be brave. Work at the support system.

I see.

Good luck to you.

Huh? You're willing to take the abuse but you're done if there is no NC? UC, get it together and find some backbone. Your child is doomed if you are a doormat and WW is a mental case.

The exposure was necessary and with exposure comes heavy wrath from the WS against the BS. Now, their affair will be scrutinized by others and that changes the game. Affairs flourish in secrecy and don't do as well in the open.

She will turn on you for busting her and for her belief you betrayed her. Tell her you did it for one reason and that was to help break the affair. She has probably threatened to end the relationship for what you have done to her, but what you did was important and necessary.

It is unfair what you must endure but you must accept the abuse for now. It is part of the breaking of the relationship of the lovers.

Be strong and be patient. Do not let her abusive words eat at you. She doesn't want her feel good relationship to end and she wants to protect it. You just threw water on her fire and she is pissed.

TooSoon

Don't sweat it. You did fine. You exposed and that's what counts. Just remain calm ALL THE TIME now. If she comes at you, smile and say 'want a cookie?' cos nothing she says will matter for the next couple weeks.

Remember to watch her actions... not her words. Ignore the words, they are going to be hurtful, mean, and if she ever recovers from the fog she won't believe she ever said them. They are just noise right now. Be confident in yourself. Don't let her corner you into an argument or extract concessions from you. Do love her, meet her needs, avoid all Love Busters, and do your best to Plan A while you can.

My friend, I've caught much flack for this before, but I will offer this thought to you:

I respect that you wish to save your marriage. I've been there and felt exactly as you did. I too did the James Bond thing and then fell into the whiny and whimpering man I look back in shame on.

You will be proud looking back at the times you were strong and will cringe at the times you fell. But you are human.

Your wife sounds like she has MANY demons to overcome. My guess is that you're a rescuer and that is why you're with someone with an abusive past. I read just a little of your situation and I immediately thought that abuse was a likely thing due to the way she is acting.

A woman like her is broken and will be broken for a looooong time.

You could Plan A till the end of time and she'll still be broken.

An emotional pullback would help you. She's the only woman you have known and have been with, so in many ways you don't know any better.

Trust me when I tell you that quality women are out there who don't have that baggage.

The laws have changed now and you would have a significant amount of time with your kid in a share custody arrangement.

Am I saying you should divorce? No. You will see this through to whatever outcome you choose to go to.

However, there is life after this type of disaster. If I could go back in time now I'd kick my ex out the door and then take her to court and unleash holy heck on her and try for full custody.

But I very much remember how I felt when I first found out, the devastation, and the emotions. My heart literally felt like it was going to explode.

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and hungered to see the warmth and love with the woman I had a family with.

But it's been four years now since that time for me and I've very happy now. No, the situation is not ideal, but I was married to a messed up woman just as you are married to one now.

I'd like to share more specific info with you but will only do so offline. You can notify one of the mods when you end this post and let them send me your email and I can contact you that way.

Put it this way: I've recently seen what other people saw when they saw me with my now ex. I'm very happy I am not sentenced to be that man anymore and am thrilled to have a well adjusted and wonderful woman in my life now.

The only thing I'm saying to you is that you will be better someday whether you save your marriage or not, but hind sight is 20/20 and I would kick my ex to the curb the second I found out the truth if I could go back in time.

There are many good women out there who aren't messed in the head. Your WW has massive issues which will require major therapy on her side and a willingness to change.

You can't make her do any of that.

I will support your efforts to save your marriage. Continue to follow the advice you're being given. But kicking her to the curb and freeing yourself from a life of constant wondering as you deal with a woman that is broken in the head is another option.

If she is as messed up as you say she is, then the outcome is likely heartbreak after heartbreak if you stay with her.

Just some food for thought.

UC, at the risk of raising the ire of some of the veteran posters here, I'm going to suggest that you chew on helpforlostdads' food for thought.

One of the reasons I like MB so much is that the differing viewpoints expressed by many is so well articulated that even if I don't want to consider what they are saying, their arguments are articulate and persuasive.

What HFLD has suggested resonates deeply with me, even though it's not the position I want to take. Sometimes what we want and what we need are two different things. I lie awake at night (again, tonight - see my thread) and find myself at war with this very question: Do I truly want my WW back in my life, or don't I?

Fortunately, I can't make that choice right now. She's left the house in an active A and the state requires me to wait six months before taking any action to terminate the M. So what I need to do now is fill my days and nights with MY LIFE. By the time I'm in a position to make that choice, I should be much better able to do so.

Think about it.

UC,

Now that you cracked and placated her, do you feel better?
Do you feel that your family is on a good track?
Do you feel that your children are safe from divorce?
Do you feel that she appreciates that you cracked?

I am thinking the answer is No, No, No, NO on your part.

I know the answers are NO, NO, NO, and heck NO.

You need to learn that you are not doing yourself or your family any favors by accepting her bad behavior or allowing her to brow beat you with her anger. It just teaches her to keep doing it.

If you kid stole candy from the store would you reward him with more candy or slipping him/her a quick $20?? I doubt it. But you are doing exactly that with your W. You have no chance of having a good marriage with you on your knees.

You have noticed that her messed up childhood may be the problem. So what are you going to say to your children when they look back on their messed up childhood, and don't know how to act, be responsible, honest, and surly caring???

Son, straighten up. You are not wiped yet. You will have more...many more opportunities to feel the WRATH of your W and sooner or later you are going to figure it out. If you don't not only will your marriage fail,but you have doomed your children. The daughters will mirror their mother's behavior and the sons will likely mirror yours or worse and rebel and be like his mother.

Not a pretty picture. Time to stand up and get in the game, this isn't really about your marriage you know? It is about your kids. It is about your family and giving in to her is the fast road to predition.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

I so agree with this. I could have written it if I was as talented a writer.

UC - Her blowing up and having a total meltdown over the exposure is exactly what SHOULD happen. It means YOU GOT TO HER. It means YOU BUSTED DOWN THE WALLS OF THE FANTASY.

Of course she is raging at you and trying to bully you more than ever. Bullying worked really well for her before, didn't it? So of course her first reaction will be to bully you more and more and more and to get more and more and more and more furious.

She's trying to get to you again. She's using the only tricks she knows, which are anger and bullying, and she's pushing those buttons over and over again, harder and harder, because she's trying to make them work and she's REALLY angry now because they didn't work and YOU stood up to her!

Good lord, man, don't back down now! Don't throw away all that hard work for nothing! The exposure and the raging sh*tstorm were just part 1. Now you've got to batten down the hatches and STAY PUT for the rest of it - just ride out the storm and DO NOT LET HER BULLY YOU INTO SUBMISSION EVER AGAIN.

If you do, you've wasted all the effort you put into doing the best possible thing you could have done for your marriage and family - blowing up her fantasy world.

Don't quit now! You're almost there! Just get up off your knees and start moving again, just like you were before.

As somebody said above, You cannot save your marriage on your knees. Just get up again and get moving!
Mulan

Fred_in_VA,

You live in a state that still acknowledges adultery. Gather your evidence and make sure to bring it to court in regards to marital misconduct.

You have no kids with the woman who cheated on you. Be glad she's out of your life. She was lucky to have you, not the other way around.

There's plenty of women, especially as you get older as a man, who would appreciate a good man, regardless of his faults.

That applies to our friend UC here as well.

I'm not a defender of marriage at all costs. All circumstances are different. But there are good folks who are human and go astray and are salvageable and then there are the broken souls who will continue to fail over and over again unless they choose to fix themselves with massive therapy or finding God or something to alter their behavior.

UC is married to someone like that. I dated women like that who are still royally messed up after 4 marriages (which is heading to another disaster) and after marrying a woman who had her own demons which are still unresolved.

Some people can't be fixed regardless of how much Plan A or B we do. They have to fix themselves first before the marriage has any hope. That is likely to take a personal revelation followed by years of effort.

I am merely saying that it is an alternative route that UC has every right to consider as the BH.

I don't want to t/j. See my reply in Sleepless_in_VA.

Unfortunatly appologizing and begging are the worst things you can do to keep your family together.

You must be strong

She probably ran off to OM

You must stand by this.

And whatever you do, Do not move out!!!!
If she wants to have an affair, she goes... Not you!

You need to get NC between WW and the OM.

The best chance to do this is you must expose the affair at work.

Why do you only do things half muled?

How many times do you have to be told to not let fear make your decisions.

Folk,

Just a gentle reminder.

There is a Profanity filter on this site for a good reason. Bypassing the filter by using **** to mask letters is not acceptable from anyone.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Dufresne
MB Moderator

I hope you enjoy her being out all hours of the night and cheating on you and walking all over you like a doormat because if you do not put your foot down she'll be doing just that.