I don't know what else I can do. It's been almost 18 months since I've seen him or had any communication except through the lawyers. That's supposed to help, right?

The divorce was final almost a year ago. But I don't feel any better. Christmas was pretty awful, frankly, and there isn't much but pain everywhere I look.

I work full time, I keep house for 4 people and 3 cats, I do what I'm supposed to do - but nothing makes me feel any better. My kids are great but I cannot live through them.

Too much has been lost, and I live in fear of losing much more - I cannot refi the house because it lost too much value in the housing crash, and I have no health insurance so if I get sick or hurt - oh, well.

I hate it that I have lost so much, I hate it that some wh*re or six is living the life I thought I was working so hard to build and most of all I hate it that XWH takes no responsibility for what he did to our family.

Oh, and I really really hate people who act like being able to dump a family and a 27-year marriage and blithely start over is healthy and normal, but grieving its loss and wanting it back (horrors!) is sick.

I have spent most of my life alone and ignored, no matter what I tried to do to remedy that, and I am still alone. I'll be damned if I know what I can do about it.

I guess the point is, some things just can't be fixed. I feel completely broken inside and I don't think I'll ever feel whole again. It's exactly as if I'd cut off my own arm and then people are b*tching at me to start climbing mountains and hasn't your arm grown back YET???

So what if I'm broken? I tried my damndest to fix it and it just couldn't be fixed. I'm not ashamed of that and I really hate it when so many act like I should be.

I had to cut off my own arm because that was what HE wanted. Everybody said to go ahead and do it! You'll feel so much better! Well, it didn't make me feel better.

Not everyone can recover - not fully, not anything like you were before.

Oh, and if you say anything about feeling like sh*t every minute of every day, you'll just be told you're feeling sorry for yourself and gee you just don't WANT to feel better.

Talk about being gaslighted.

If there's anyone else out there who feels the same, hey, you're not alone. I know exactly how it is.

I guess the point is, whether you are divorced or still married, if you have RECOVERED either way then please try to have a little understanding for those of us who never will. We're doing the best we can and we sure as hell wish we could be happy, too, but sometimes there are just too many pieces missing. So let us grieve, okay? We wish we could be you, too, but we're not.

We're just not.

((Mulan))

I'm sorry and I do understand. Its been 2 1/2 years since the start of his affair, and he can still hurt me. I have just gone in plan B ( I think, he doesnt talk to me anyway) I am trying to recover myself and its hard. We were "only" together 10 years before the affair but it was like everything thing I believed was gone. I didnt know how to even comprehend to start over. People who havent gone through it dont understand.

Someone at work told me the other day that I "needed to find a man that will show my kids how I should be treated"
1) the fact that I am not with him, shows that you cant treat someone like that
2) I cant even comprehend getting involved with someone period.
3) if I did get involved with someone it would definately show my kids something worse then the marriage with their father

I also hear it was a blessing that he has this latest gf because it will give me closure. How does it give me closure? The first 2 gf didnt, why would the third? I had already decided I wouldnt take him back if he wasnt going to meet my list, so it wasnt shocking he got another woman. However, it didnt make it hurt less.

There is one woman in particular who makes hurtful comments. I have tried putting her on mute, but that remote doesnt work.

I am sorry you are having a hard time, but you went in plan B and you probably saved yourself so much hurt. I wish I would have, because there is so much stuff that happened or I found out that has scarred me

Mulan
Sometimes the only thing we have left is to hang on to God's hem.



The Prayer:
Lead us to our place,,
Guide us with Your grace,,
Bring us somewhere we'll be safe........




No, it's should however make you realize that it's over and God wants you to start you new life. Shake the dust off your sandles and move on.

The best of the rest of your life is yet to come. The grieving over the past should end now. You did your best but it was not meant to be. be mindful, that God would not want you to have less than what you deserve. Keep your heart open, change is coming very soon to you.

Stay focused on God's desire for your life.

All Blessings,
Jerry

(((((Mulan))))

I am a newbie and still muddling my way through. Just wanted to offer hugs.

Jer. 29:11

OK, Mulan. I'm a guy, and guys don't usually hug women who aren't their wives (or aren't supposed to, anyway), but people in A.A. hug each other regardless. So here: {{Mulan}}

I am not sure what I can say -- or if I can even say anything -- to offer you some comfort. A.A.s bond together because of their shared experience. No one knows what an alcoholic goes through like another alcoholic. It's the same here.

My recovery in A.A. has been the direct result of working the program defined in its literature. From the A.A. Big Book: "We believe that God wants us to be happy, joyous and free." And so, because A.A. has worked for everybody who has worked it, I believe it, too.

This event has been harder for me to deal with than quitting drinking or quitting smoking. A.A. tells us to "turn our will and our lives over to the care of God," but it seems sometimes that God is so cruel to allow this to happen.

But I've heard that "God's will won't take us where God's grace won't keep us." As I've said before, I'm not a religious man, so talking about God and God's will seems almost sacrilegious. But through this I get my faith and hope that there will be a day when all of this will be seen as a stepping stone to something better and brighter.

It just has to be!

In the "there are no coincidences" department, I just came across this book in one of the piles of WW's I'm moving to the garage. It's title is "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can by Caroline Myss, Ph.D.

This is not a book review, since I haven't read it, but the title caught my eye, and since we were just talking about healing...

Here is a link to some information on it.

Mulan, you took the words right out of my mouth! My devastation is much more recent, and I was not married for as long as you, but I put my whole heart into it and I know that I will never be the same after this.

I am certain because my first marriage ended differently. Yes, there was pain, but not neverending pain. I felt like we had done everything we could to make it work. We were young; I think it's a lot easier to recover then...there were no kids hearts breaking that I had to witness, while the WH escaped and pretented none of us existed.

I'm sorry for your sorrow, I feel it too.

Mulan... maybe it's not that things will "never" heal, but maybe things will take a long, long time to heal.

And my guess is that various factors affect this time frame... like length of the marriage, if first/only love, religion, upbringing, family dynamics, if parents are still together, our age, kids, behavior/attitude of other spouse, etc.

Just know that you are not alone, Mulan. I feel the exact same way as you...

Yep, I am there, as well. When I feel like this, it is often because I remember only the good times and have forgotten the bad aspects of the relationship.
I did find a nice girlfriend, for a while. That helped and I felt much better. But, with young kids, at my age, she was scared off. Not too much of a market for a 55 year old with 5 kids, some still in elementary school
I was talking to a friend tonight and we agreed that starting over at this age is too tough.
So, I will focus on my kids and my golf game. Maybe that is enough.
Molly says hi.

Mulan, You were and continue to be an inspiration to me. Why? Because you kept fighting when there was nothing to fight for in your M. You kept fighting for yourself.

You are so right, you will NEVER be the same. And you might NOT HEAL in the way you think. But G-d will absolutely heal you in his way and his time. I am convinced of this.

Life will take on a NEW normal is whatever form it takes and I certainly don't know what that will look like.

But what I know is that you are LOVED by many people on here and whatever you walk through we will be here with you if you let us.

Mulan, you are not alone and I feel that if my WH doesn't return that I won't get over it. I will probably be single for the rest of my life and he just left me 5 months ago. I don't think I can go through another relationship again. My DD 22 father left me when I was pregnant for the post whore and I mean that literally. We were both in the military stationed in Germany. Now my present husband left me for a much younger woman who left her husband and got an apartment just so she could get my husband. She planned this out. I have read many of your threads and my heart goes out to you. Don't listen to anyone about what to do. You will heal in your own time and your own way. It may take years and some ways you may never heal. My MIL never had a boyfriend after she left my FIL for being a womanizer for many years. I admire her because she had the courage to leave him and to make her own life. My WH either doesn't realize what his father was like or has blocked it out because he idolized his father. I found out about his father from his older brothers and sister. Good luck, Mulan.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and now 4yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 22yrs now
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Good point on the time to heal. It takes 2-5 years with a remorseful spouse who is willing to do a lot of work. It takes longer when you are just left, no acknowledgment, no apology, nothing. Makes you feel disposable.
It also sucks to not get custody and to pay $$ which support your XWW's new lifestyle with her affair partner.

I agree with this, it does make you feel disposable.

Having just been disposed of myself, I can attest to this feeling. I choose to listen to, and to believe my friends and relatives that I WILL heal. No, I will never be the same, for the pain of this betrayal will sear my soul. But rather than turn it into an ugly scar that dominates my being, I hope to make it part of my character so that the experience will help me help others, to be more understanding of others in similar situations.

I hope that doesn't sound too lofty or grandiose. I haven't been as deeply injured as many here, so my healing is likely to be easier and swifter. If I can use that to help others, then I will have managed to turn pain and adversity into advantage.

(((Mulan)))

Always one of my fav posters - I'm sad you are in so much pain.

Mulan - Things will get better and you will have a good life again. It takes lots of time, much more than we would wish.

I can really relate to what you are feeling. Sadly, some of my most hurtful moments came from my family and friends. They just didn't know any better. They all think that I should be over it, that I'm better off without him.

Mostly I don't talk about what happened, even though from time to time there are constant reminders. I've learned to ignore them and move on.

I wasn't married as long as you, but did put a lot of effort into raising 8 kids. It is as if a HUGE chunk of my life was all for nothing.

Then there are the other consequences. I'm older and never was beautiful, but have met some men, and even had a serious relationship. That ended too, and it was not HIS fault. Mostly it was my problem. After all, if you have been married for many years, raised kids, and your partner left, your trust level is not high.

Or maybe it isn't your trust level, but your ability to surrender yourself. I don't know.

It has been six years for me. I do feel like life is good again. But I don't think that I will ever "get over" what happened to our marriage.

Except the eight little lives generaeted from your soul and good keeping.

Mullan, "moving on" does not necessarily mean a new man. You can forge your own path and find your own place in this world without a man. In fact, I don't think you are ready for a relationship with someone else if you're not happy alone. So don't let anyone push you into something you're not ready for. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. And then, if there's still time, find others to help out.

When I find myself longing for the past, I review in my mind:
1. What I THOUGHT I had back then
2. What I REALLY had back then
3. What I DO have NOW

For example,
1. I THOUGHT I was married forever to my best friend.
2. What I REALLY was married to was a cheater and an addict who was just pretending to be my friend when it got him what he wanted
3. What I have NOW is many real friends who love and support me.

So, while I may long to go back to what I THOUGHT I had, in reality what I HAVE today is much better. So I'm thankful for the friends I have today and it reduces the longing for what maybe never really was anyway.

This time of year can certainly trigger a lot of emotions as we are reminded we are supposed to be one big happy family. So now not only do we get the chance to feel rejected we get the chance to ask ourselves why did we fail? So braced with the feeling of failure and rejection the insecurities of self worth get kicked into overdrive and we then ricochet between asking "how could anyone love us" and despair.

So the question then becomes how do we attain our identity. One day I was safe in my role as a married family person and now that is gone. Part of my identity is stripped away with separation and divorce. Whether we like it we are forced into redefining who we are. It can be a scary process. We feel lonely, and I am finding I am having to redefine my social circle as a now non married has a harder time fitting in with the established married group of friends.

No wonder it feels like our world has been turned upside down. I took part of in a group called Divorce care and it really helped with processing the emotions and trauma brought on by separation and divorce.

One of the things they brought to our attention was it takes approximately 1 year for every 4-5 years you were married to recover from a divorce. So if you were married 30 years it can possibly take 6 years to recover. The recovery process takes time. And we have to learn how to deal with a situation we did not choose but was thrust upon us. It is quite likely one of the most traumatic things you will ever have to endure.

So what can a person do, here are some of the things they suggest
1) Exercise at least 4 times a week where you get your heart rate up for at least 20 - 30 minutes
2) Spend time involving yourself with your spiritual pursuits, prayer, meditation, praise, worship.
3) Establish a support group of people who understand what you are going through and a safe place to talk.
4) Try to develop some new interests or hobbies, try to avoid isolating yourself
5) Ask for help when you need it.
6) Reach out and help someone else in need.

These are a few of the ideas.

It is OK to grieve. It is necessary to grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams. One of the suggestions of Divorce care is to write down all the things you are grieving or fearful over, it can be helpful to facilitate the grieving process.

And I think you touch on an important point. We have experienced a life changing event and our life may not look like it once did. So part of the healing process is getting to a place of acceptance (I am still working on it too) and having the courage to take one step at a time to develop a NEW normal.

And that is all you can do is the best you can. There are a rainbow of emotions to experience, the desired emotion we want to experience is happiness as it feels good, but I think it is naive to expect to feel happy all the time. I think there are moments we can experience happiness and I think we need to relish, remember and cherish those moments. I think we can retrain our thinking to perceive or experience happiness more frequently, but to expect to experience happiness all the time is to set ourselves up to feel like we have failed yet again.

To answer your question I do understand how you feel. And yes it really does hurt, some days more than others, but tomorrow will be a new day, and we will have another opportunity to choose how we want to participate, respond, and react to life's challenges.

It is not easy, but as the scripture says "rejoice in your tribulation". I am beginning to understand this more each day as our character is not developed in the good times, but in the times of tribulation. (I am not sure if I want my character developed further.) However we have to play the hand we are dealt. We press on in faith and hope that this too shall pass.

((((Mulan)))))

I can only offer the above and understanding. Like all of us here, we have all walked in each others shoes, so we all know the pain you feel. I hate it when my FWW or therapist says, "I understand your pain", or, "your pain is the same that I felt when I screwed those guys".....I feel like jumping into a running woodchipper.

Her many A's were 21 years ago, D-day was 4 months ago, I know I will never feel the same about my spouse, EVER....no matter if we are divorced or if we stay together, when I look into her eyes she will NEVER be the same woman I knew before.....

We are all here for you 'Mulan'