Getting divorced, almost final, as in proposal submitted by my attorney and all she needs to do is sign and done. WW has been dragging her feet on this. I gave her everything that she is asking for. I have custody of the kids, the house, and she will eventually pay me child support. We celebrated the holidays and I gritted my teeth aroud her, but it ended up being an enjoyable time, and it did re-ignite some of the feelings that I ahve for her.
At this point I do not belive there to be any more contact with her BF, and I feel confident in this as she has moved back in with her parents, and they dropped the hammer on all her partying and going out.
We are about 6 months into the separation/divorce process and it has not been pretty. I have offered numerous time to allow her bak into my life, with some less than enthusiastic replys that she would consider it. She sayd that I am an alcoholic, and I have offered to give it up and attend meetings as proof of this.
I feel like the responses from her are very accusatory, like "well I never wanted this, but it's because you are an alcoholic that I cheated..."
I asked her last night if she ever thought about working things out and she said all the time. Here are the problems...
I do not trust her in the least. I know that she would lie for months just to get a foot-hold back into the kids lives and I am concerned that it might end up in me ultimately going back through the custody battle that I have already won. She is broke as hell and up to her eyes in debt from this divorce. She does not have a job, and was looking at her truck getting re-possessed this month but I paid the payment in exchang for child care. She lives with her parents so her social life is nill, and he access to the kids is limited by the state. She has two charges one for DWI and one for another Class C misdy.
All things being equal, I would consider bringing her back into the picture, and I do not know how to approach it without sounding demanding or controlling and freaking her out, which, I do because she cannot be confronted. And I do not want to compromise all the progress I have made in the divorce. I would be embarrassing myself in front of everyone I know, unfortunately, who has supported me through this, and not to mention I am loosely dating about 4 people at this point. (nothing serous at all)
She has a natrually rebellious streak, which scares me as well.
The deal is that we were married for 12 years, and I have three kids. I really would like to try things again, but I fee like this migh be a last ditch effort on her part to try to get back in the door.
We tried conseling for a while, and she would not really participate o show up at all, at this point, though, she was having a affair.
I do not know if I can get over the images in my head from the PI videos, either. I do not know if time will heal this wound.
Can you give me some ideas on how to handle this and maybe some tips on keeing her at a distance but testing her sincerity?

I'll give you the advice I've seen here given to others in your shoes. Divorce her, then date her. She needs to straighten herself out (you can't do it for her) before you can begin to deal with recovering a marriage.

Gg

Yea, that's what I was thinking might be the best avenue. It would protect me finaically as well. As well as my interests with my children.

We can get what is called Rule 11 letter that puts the divorce on hold as well...I have started to notice that there are some personality traits tat really just piss me off, lately. They always have, but now that I have some prospects, it's a little obvious that maybe I did marry the wrong woman...

She accuses you of being an alcoholic but she has two DWIs? Harley writes when there is an addiction - that needs to be treated first before trying to R a M.



If this is true about you, then you also need to get help because this will affect all your relationship, present and future. I know - I was raised in alcoholic family.

Gg

Yea. I am making a lot of changes in they way I am dealing with life. Almost a complete 180. Fully integrated in AA, working out, and dedecated to my kids and nothing else but supporting them. I think this might be another big part in the wanting t come home, other than the fact that I just bailed her out again, like a dummy.

Great!

You'll need to start setting some boundaries to teach your WW how to behave and act with you. She can't continue to expect you to bail her out. She needs to take responsibility for her life and her choices. You need to avoid being or becoming an enabler.

Gg

Warning: 2x4s

First, why would you postpone it? There is no reason to. Given her selfish personality, she will NEVER grow up if you keep giving her handouts. She needs to grow up, and she needs to do it on her own.

THEN consider dating her again. Maybe in a year. After she's been through really good counseling. And is out of debt.

Do not put your kids through that hell.

Second, why are you already dating? Is it just for SF? If not, YOU really should be holding off. You are confusing the heck out of them by jumping into dating so soon, and you're not even divorced yet! What kind of example are you setting? That it's ok to do whatever you want, as long as you're happy? They've already got their mom for that bad lesson.

Come on. Take the high road. Be a good example. Those kids already think they come in second place after grownup women and men that their parents spend time with. They need to know that THEY are your #1 priority; not your dating life.

Do some reading on the devastation that dogs kids all their lives after their parents do what the two of you are doing.

Third, you're here telling us that you don't like her traits; why are you even considering dating her? If it's for the kids, she needs to get her act together first, or she'll do them more harm than good. If it's for YOUR need to have a woman next to you, then I'd suggest you take some time off from dating to learn more about yourself, and why you HAVE to have a woman at all right now. You need to learn to be OK - by yourself - and learn what part you played in your divorce, before you involve other people.

Yea, I realize that...By bailing her out, I made her go to work for me to get money to pay for her car payments. Now I regret it, but I hated her to lose the truck that I've been paying on for 3 years! Plus my name is on the title....I know I need to cut that crap out.

Hold on Catperson...I do not ever bring any date around my kids. I haven't slept with anyone, and definitely do not plan to in the near future.
I am considering dating her because I do still love her, and most people have a lot of baggage that I have been talking to, and I figure, why not just try to sort out mine. Obviously, I am very confused,which is why I posted here...
There ae things that I love about her deeply, and things that just annoy the piss out of me. You undestand, she has changed...
I hear you underlying meaning, at least what I get from your response, and do appreciate it. Thanks again!

Understood. But where do the kids go when you are dating? You are dating 3 women? How much time is that taking away from the safe home environment they need?

It is generally recommended here (and elsewhere, according to many experts) that you do not date anyone for at least a year after a divorce. For many reasons, including your frame of mind and your children's needs. You're not even divorced yet, and you're dating 3 women.

Your wife needs time with herself. She needs a lot of work to deal with her issues. Many many people will hook up with just about anyone, just to keep from being alone. So they don't have to look at themselves. By dating her now, you are keeping her from having to do that soul-searching she needs to do.

And by dating anyone, you are keeping yourself from doing the work you can be doing on yourself, to get a better handle on what happened, if you're an enabler, if you still have anger toward her, if you had any hand in the problems (so you don't repeat them)...things like that.

Basically learning to be ok with yourself. Something we all can use more of, lol.

What actions has she taken that demonstrates she has changed?

Gg

Respectable reply. I am afraid that once I cut th ties, and I mean, this week, finalize, then she will walk for good. That's reality though. I really am not hearing what I would expect to hear from a person who sincerely wants to work things out. Still very distant. Still making a lot of excuses for her actions, and really has not made any pro-active progress in mending her truly f-ed up mind.
My kids are far more stable with me. They have a routine, and definitely are better off.
Good advice though.

No she has not done anything showing that she has changed for the positive, only the negative...

Well, why would she when she knows you're there to bail her out. She'll be remorseful when you're not around to support her and her habits.

There is one thing you can try if you have some small hope remaining to save your M. Use the D hold option and go straight to Plan B dark. Plan B is where you would have no contact with her until she can show you by actions that she is intent on making changes and meeting your terms. You would have to write a Plan B letter which explains the pain caused and what it would take to make the M work (your terms).

Plan A & Plan B

You can also read about Plan B in the Notable Posts forum.

Or stick to D and then decide, based on her actions, if you really want to date her.


Gg

Loaded (what a name..)

Have YOU stopped drinking? Going to meetings and stopping the sauce are two diffrent things.

Your thread had been one solid b88ch about your STBXW, what was your part in all this (not any A, but marital breakdown?)

I am sorry that you are here, but what are you asking us for help with?
You should complete the D, you seem to have gotten everything you wanted.

She seems toxic to herself and her family. You both need some serious time to work out issues before things can get better.