Quick recap... been D'd 2 1/2 yrs. ExH M'd OW who is 17 yrs. younger. They just had a baby.

I have been having a VERY hard time dealing with all of that.

Well a few months ago an old boyfriend that I had dated almost 30 yrs. ago came back into my life. I dated him for 4 yrs. back in the day...He was my first love...

His wife died of a terminal illness 5 yrs. ago. He has no kids. He basically took care of her the last several yrs. of their marriage due to her illness. They were M'd 17 yrs.

He treats me wonderfully. A big issue with ExH was that he never noticed me, praised me for stuff. This guy does. For the first time in a VERY long time I think I am happy. He truly appreciates me for who I am. He brings me flowers for no reason.

What's the problem then? I think there's a motive. There's not, but that's just my twisted mind not believing anyone can be nice and actually care for me again. I think... he must be bringing me flowers because he wants sex, or wants this or that. No one brought me flowers for no reason before...

I can't trust him, even though he's done absolutely nothing to make me think otherwise. He's completely transparent. He told me during the last several yrs. of his M there was no relations with his wife due to her sickness. I asked him if he ever thought about cheating then. He said absolutely not. He was M'd to her no matter what happened.

I feel like I am deliberatly pissing him off so he'll get mad enough to walk and then I won't have to worry about him ever cheating on me or lying to me or hurting me. It's like I'm sabotaging the relationship before it even really gets started.

We've talked, and he promises me he will never cheat, lie etc. He knows I've been hurt and would never do that to me again. He's been very patient with me listening to my fears etc. I would have probably walked by now if I were him, after I've unloaded all my baggage at his feet.

But how can I trust him? ExH told me the same things and he cheated and lied...

How much therapy have you gone to in the last 2 years?

I don't think you're ready for a new relationship. The healing scab on your wound just got ripped off again with the news of the baby. It's like you're back to D-Day-1. It's not fair to your old friend to get involved with him, until and unless you get further along in your healing. Have you done any IC?

(((Catgirl)))

You are not healed and are not trusting yet. You need to heal and then consider dating this dude. Let him go for now or keep it purely platechtonic....DUDE

Cat,

How do you emotionally feel about the guy?

Do you miss him when he is not there? If he hasn't called you for a while do you call him?

THERE IS NO HURRY!!...but don't do things to PISS him off!!

Relax, enjoy his company, dis-engage your brain. You seem to be overthinking it.

If he did take a hike would this be a terrible thing? Would it be regretable looking back on his leaving? Would you be OK if he was no longer in your life?

Or quit reading this and contact a REAL THERAPIST..

kirk

I've been in IC pretty much since ExH left me...

Haven't gone in awhile though, as I felt like all I was doing there was venting...

I was considering making an appt. to go back again in the New Year in light of what has happened.

Yes, I do have feelings for this new guy. I do miss him when he is not here. I don't call him if he doesn't call me though.

I used to spend alot of time thinking about ExH, OW and new baby...how could ExH do this to me, what are they doing now, etc., etc. When I am with this new guy, I can honestly say that I don't even think about ExH. It's like he doesn't even exist...And that's a first for me...

I'm not sure if these feelings I have for this guy is just me being needy, as I haven't had the attention of a man in 3 years, or if I truly do have feelings for him. But as I said, I feel wonderful when I am with him and I think I would regret it if he ever left...

He tells me the same thing... I think too much. Just enjoy the moment and not think about 5 years from now...

Cat

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. This could really be a great and sincere guy. Try to remember that when you're feeling this way, that it's about you and not him. I mean it is after all, right? Try to keep it in perspective. Have someone other than him that you can talk to about this. If you load too much of this on him, it could push him away. And is it really fair to him to put your fears on him for something that he may or may not ever do? Your XWH did what he did to you because of him, not you. Spend some time searching for the treasures in your heart and soul. I guarantee there are plenty!

Catgirl, is this the first relationship you've had since your divorce? I read somewhere here that it's not uncommon for BS in their first relationship to "sabotage" it as a means of healing themselves (I'm sure I'm mis-stating that somewhat, but the essence is there). First relationships can be very tentative for exactly the reasons you state: you've lost the ability to trust, to believe and to be "in the moment."

I think the thing to do is to practice Dr. Harley's Policy of Radical Honesty and tell your new guy exactly what you're feeling and why. From your description, he sounds like someone who would understand, and be patient if he truly wants a relationship with you.

Very,

I agree. It is so unfair to him, to already assume he's going to lie to me, cheat on me, etc. just because ExH did. This might be premature, and it might be that I want to believe otherwise, but deep in my heart, I truly think he would never do anything to hurt me. In these few short months that we've been together, he's been so kind and genuine. Although he has never experienced D, he has lost a spouse and he does have empathy.

But that still doesn't stop me from being afraid that down the road he will do what ExH did. I know there are no guarantees. It's just ExH told me he'd never be unfaithful etc. and I believed him, and look what he did!

I have been brutally honest with this guy about my feelings. I told him right out that I didn't trust him, although I didn't have a reason not to, just that I was scared of being hurt again. He told me he understood and that he would earn my trust over time.

But he also told me that he wasn't my ExH, and all because he did that to me, didn't mean that he would also. And he is right. But it's still hard...

Fred,

Yes he is the first relationship since the D. I did go out with a few guys, a few times, but they just didn't click.

I'm thinking that maybe it clicks between him and I because we knew each other years ago. Familiarity. But he did point out that almost 30 years had passed between us so we really aren't the same people as we were in high school.

But being with him, feels right...

It's very confusing. I'm scared to let myself open up to him and maybe be hurt again...

Cat

Catgirl,

You have been D 2.5 years. Look at how much power you are giving your xWH and he's not even around. You are allowing him to control your happiness, your future. You're making him the standard in which you measure other men. Only you can release this kind of bond you are allowing x to have on you. Life is not perfect and it doesn't come with guarantees.


I believe in going with your intuition. This doesn't mean you have to marry this new guy. Take it slow - if he truly cares about you he's not going to rush into something you're not ready for. You now have the luxury of taking your time. Please don't measure him against your ex. It really is not fair to him. The BF sounds like a great guy.

Gg

Why did you break up first time round?

{{{{Catgirl}}}}}

I can only imagine how hard it is to trust again..... Just hang in there and take a day at a time.

Another thing.....have you started thinking about forgiving your XWH? My IC has told me that I will eventually need to forgive my WH and that it will be totally for me and not him. It would be releasing him and giving up my desire for revenge, etc. He never has to know because it really has nothing to do with him now. I just have to release the past. I have no idea how to or how long it takes or when someone can even begin to think of forgiving. But I think until you can forgive, you still have that crap dragging you down in life whether it be a lot or a little. It will still effect you somehow. I know your's is an especially brutally painful sitch. Anyway, just something to think about. I'm not saying it will fix the trust issue. It might just help overall. Close a door, open a window ya know?

This is one way to also break the bond that is binding you to your xWH and giving him control over you. And it's true what Verysad wrote - forgiveness is not about forgiving your xwh but rather forgiving yourself and releasing you from him.

Gg

Cat,
You've been D'd for 2 and 1/2 years now.
Have you considered that God may have healed your heart by now?

To reengage in life means the same thing that drew you into M in the first place. You gave in and made your heart completely vunerable to your first H. It didn't work out and you got hurt badly.

To reengage you will have to once again become vunerable again. It's a tall task to anyone who has been betrayed. Some will never overcome that, and will lose out if that is so.

I say GO FOR IT!!

You can't be hurt any worse than you already have been.

Pray to God for the right answer, He will answer you.

Good Luck and All Blessings,
Jerry

cat:

We try to make up for the past by controlling the future, sometimes, you can not control this future, this man is not the man that hurt you, he can not make up for what the first man did. your mind tells you this but your hear does not care., reel your heart in, your mind is right this time.

let yourself have love, feel love, let you win this time, you have done everything right, you have communicated with him all of your needs, your desires, your vulnerablilities, he is not perfect, but he is not the man that hurt you, he just might be the man to love you better than you have ever been loved.

let him do that. let those that have done wrong feel the righteous hand of judgement, let those who have not done wrong feel the righteous hand......... let your hear go......let your love flow.......let this man please you.......then please him riht back

Thanks to all of you...

Shine,

I WANT to let him into my heart, it's just so hard to think he might break it...

Very,

As far as forgiving my ExH, I honestly don't know how to do that. My IC has told me that forgiveness doesn't mean that I forgive him for the A, but sad to say, deep down I still want him to suffer for all of the pain he has caused me and my kids...


Gg,

You are right, I am giving him too much power over my life. Even when I am trying to move on, he's still there. My IC has told me that so many times. I have to stop letting him control me...


Imagine,

Funny you ask that as I asked him the same question when we started seeing each other again. He just broke up with me after all those years. I never got a straight answer. I always thought it was because I wouldn't sleep with him. Imagine that! Going out with him for 4 years, and I never did sleep with him. Not that I didn't want to, guess my upbringing wouldn't let me. I was a goody two shoes back then!

Yeah talk about a patient guy! All his friends were getting some and he wasn't. After asking him about how he felt during that time, he told me that it was difficult, but he knew that I didn't want to for my own reasons and he respected that.

He did say that he couldn't really remember why he broke up with me, but it wasn't because I wouldn't sleep with him. He thinks that it was because he knew I wanted kids and he really didn't. Not that he doesn't like kids now, but I guess at the time he felt he didn't want them and didn't want to marry me knowing that I did and he didn't. Wish he would have told me that back then! I imagined all these years it was becuase I never slept with him!

Blind...

He too has said that to me that he was not the one that hurt me, to give him a chance...

Cat

""When I am with this new guy, I can honestly say that I don't even think about ExH. It's like he doesn't even exist...And that's a first for me...""

I think this says it all....

LIFE IS SHORT

YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONCE

TEMPUS FUGIT

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE THE HAPPIEST YOU CAN BE

CARPE DIEM

BETTER TO HAVE LOVE AND LOST THAN TO NEVER LOVED AT ALL

Please feel free to add to the list

Cat, are you spending New Year's with him?

HAPPY NEW YEAR :happynewyear:

kirk

krusht,

Unfortunatley, no I'm not. He had these plans months ago, and is in another state right now visiting family. He'll be back Monday.

He did call me today and I teased him and told him to behave himself while there. He told me that there was only one person in the world that he wanted to be with...me!

Yeah, that was sweet, and you are right. I am going to go for it.

It's been so long since someone has actually wanted me unconditionally, and I truly think he does...

I just heard that song from the current American Idol winner, titled....Live Like You're Dying...so true...

I'm hoping 2010 will be a much happier year for me and for him. We've both had several years of he##.

Cat