Question for BS's. My BW and I had a discussion about our friends. I read here a lot of anger BS's have, but is there also embarrassment?

Regarding those friends (hers and mine) that know about my A, she doesn't want to be friends with them any more because she is embarrassed. Even those that she suspects may know, she doesn't want to face. So under MB, let's say BS exposes to friend A. Would it then be normal to want to avoid friend A because they know?

I know it is a POJA item, so I have told her we do not have to do anything or go anywhere if she doesn't feel comfortable. Thanks for your input.

Hi ImStaying,

I have imagined how I would be with our friends if WH ever decides to reconcile. I exposed to all our friends and would not be embarrassed at all to remain friends with them after reconciliation. There is one of WS friends who I would not like him to socialise with because he knew of WS cheating and I don't think he said anything to WS about it, even though he did not know me personally. And one of our friends, who was my friend first, suspected WS of bad behaviour, did not mention anything to me, and has now befriended OW. Not being friends with him at all would be a condition of reconciliation, I'm afraid.

Your wife might feel that your friends will think that she is a push over by accepting you back but personally, I would be happy if my WH decided to put the effort in.

Maybe you could offer to apologise to some of them, if they are close friends and had to watch your wife suffer from your affair.

TM

Staying,

I'm from your side of the tracks, so can't answer from a BS's perspective.

I can't know, but if I'm embarrassed by my behavior, then I'm sure it's mighty embarrassing on some level for a BS who had this spouse that he/she was proud of, and who then felt humiliated/let down & all that awful stuff.

It's been interesting to see who's stayed in touch and who's been supportive and who's honored our confidence and who's drifted away. I think a traumatic even like this can strip friendships down to the "core" ones -- re: your wife, my guess would be that the friends she's content to let drift are ones who haven't really been there for her much -- is some of that going on?

TWC & I have been very fortunate insofar as in our case, there was not a lot of exposure (in terms of the # of people) that had to occur to end my affair, and we (as well as the OW & OW's xH, apparently) have been pretty circumspect overall in keeping this "below the radar". My wife & I got to POJA-stage early on, and for the most part, we basically have been able to choose which friends became aware of the affair, and so we tended to choose only the more trustworthy ones who we were pretty certain would "have our backs" as a couple. I certainly realize not all affair situations are that way.

People almost always feel better after they speak honestly with people. For BSs as well as WSs. We get all bent out of shape worrying about what we 'know' other people are thinking or doing or saying about us, when in reality, they're all too busy worrying about what people are thinking about THEM.

My advice is to ask her to go to them - together - and let you admit to them what you did and ask their forgiveness for making them uncomfortable. Once the elephant is led out of the room, you can all relax and be friends again.

I'd hate to think you're leaving a trail of 'can no longer speak with them' people in your wake. What a pity.

Thanks TM. You make sense. Those "friends" that enabled the A are now no friend of the M. I get that totally. Thanks.

Everyone in the world knows what my fwxw did because I went nuclear exposure for punitive reasons. That combined w/ an RA and we both sort of surprised everyone on the downside. If anything, my friends think I got away w/ murder using her A to go have a guilt free MLC..I'm not embarassed at all, she might be though. WHAT A LIFE!! DUDE

Thanks Cat. It makes sense. This might be difficult for my W, since she is a very private person, combined with the fact that we don't know who knows. Like GO above, exposure was not widespread. In fact, I have told a total of 3 people, and she has told none. So basically we don't know who knows, if anyone at all. This makes your last paragraph all the more apropos...

Well, then you can always assume NO one knows, and move forward as such, and prove to them all (whoever they may be) that you HAVE rebuilt your marriage. In fact, you can show them all by example that YOU TWO now have the best marriage on the block. They will all be green with envy.

In the early months after exposure, there were times I felt embarrassment and discomfort about who knew but today I don't care. I do not think it is healthy for a BS to avoid people but it is a process. Your BW may feel different down the road. If she doesn't, she is likely a conflict avoider and that can lead to other problems in general.

I don't feel embarrassed at all. WHY is she embarrassed? How does she explain this. What about it embarrasses her?

What I gather from our conversations is that she is embarrassed that I pulled the wool over her eyes during the A. Nothing in particular, just the fact that WS's play their BS for a fool. I cannot argue with that.

ahh ok. Well, this could be a learning experience for her to learn to not be overly invested in the approval of others. If someone judges her a fool for not knowing sooner, that is their problem, not your wife's. I learned that looking outside of myself for approval is a frustrating exercise in futility. The only approval she really needs is from God, her husband and the lady in the mirror. Everyone else can go hang themselves. If she is looking outside of that then she is sabatoging herself.

IM, will BW post at MB? Has she read anything here?

I asked her way back this summer, but she wasn't interested. I will bring it up again. The timing might be better now that time has passed.

I am embarassed in my weaker moments. I think that staying with my WW my seem like a gauge of my self-esteem to others. For the most part I don't care what other people think. I know my WW doesn't want anyone to know about it. She says it's just between us. That is certainly how her parents feel about it - they don't want to hear anything about it and haven't said a word to her about it.

Sweeping it under the rug is no way to heal my friend..DUDE

IM,

For me as a BS i started with some feelings of embarassment, but that will hopefully pass for her. More likely she is fighting the feelings of betrayal.

The embarassment may also accompany anger as in, "How could I have sat there with you friend, laughing at a cocktail party or having dinner with a group, completely oblivious that everyone knew and I was the only fool that didn't?"

This will prob turn into, if it hasn't already and she isn't telling you, "How could you sit here with me laughing at a cocktail party or at dinner and all the while you, my friend, knew I was being betrayed?! I never want to see you again because you betrayed me as well."

I know those were my thoughts on the matter and still are. I never want to speak to any of those people ever again. Even what i assumed were old, good, trusted friends.

SWW

It's also possible that she suffers from toxic shame. If so, it may take your help to get her to be able to deal with other people. With toxic shame, you are convinced that everyone is judging you and finding you unworthy of being around.

I am not in the least bit embarrassed, i did nothing wrong why would i be embarrassed?

I agree with anyone who "helped" the A in anyway is no longer a friend to the M and any of my friends that did not support my desicion probably were really not my friend anyway. I mean they might not have thought that is what they would do but if they got upset with me or ridiculed me then they weren't my true friend IMHO.

There is a type of person who is ever worse: the man/woman who thinks your spouse is still "pursuable" even after the two of you marry! I discovered one man who for years and years I thought was a good friend of mine. When WW went off on her A, he immediately thought she was a "target of opportunity" and started cozying up to her. Keep in mind, WW is now a married woman committing adultery and this guy thinks he can vie for her affection still. What a piece of work!