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what am I not getting ? What do I need to turn around ? That we are not judging you, we are trying to help you. If you cannot see your that what you did was a wrong and keep justifying it we cannot move forward yet.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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My advice earlier on this thread was wholly serious. MB principles aren't successfully adopted by affairage partners. You've got two young children and one on the way and you foolishly married your mistress just 9 months ago after a 8 year "affair". As you are remarried...you can't go back to your ex-wife (as she is biblically forbidden from taking you back since you married another) and I'd rather your young kids have the two of you than have you two adulterous persons running around torturing other married persons with your carefree adulterous and disrespectful of marriage ways. Thus...my advice IS serious. The best way to keep a mistress/wifstress happy is to CONTINUE the fantasy of the affair the best you can. Ignore what she did with whomever and hope you can stop the next one (and there will likely be more) by being the most soulmate type fantasy lover you can. Don't bog this affairage down with trying to develope real intimacy as that isn't possible....you'll just be perceived as a drag and she'll likely cheat on you even more. Be fun. Be spontaneous. Most importantly you must feign overwhelming confidence because she thrives on your seeming self-esteem to fill her empty self-esteem. If you expose your REAL lack of self-esteem to her...you'll be destroying the essence of the fantasy and she'll seek [her] self-esteem from another...AGAIN, AGAIN and AGAIN. It's GOING to be miserable but don't you dare show it. Just accept yourself, internally, that those are the consequences of marrying your affair partner. You've got a 3% shot of making it to your 5th wedding anniverisary....my advice is the best way of making it there...FOR THE KIDS. Dr. Harley, the founder of MB and owner of this site, has written about Affairages (affair marriages). The issues you're experiencing are the consequences Dr Harley describes occurs in nearly 100% of adultery-based marriages experience. Read on. ----------
I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.
While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.
I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.
I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.
There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.
But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.
I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.
The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.
While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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i'm not a wayward for goodness sake. I wouldn't be here if I was. That precisely the sort of judging that must damage a great many who come here for support. Funny, because to me, you are here BECAUSE you are wayward...Only a wayward could dismiss the reasons why someone in an affairage should not be here in this venue seeking help for affair maintenance - asking for help from a community filled mostly with victims of the same crime that you committed...Logic is suspended in a wayward mind... And the whole "don't judge me" thing has a GIANT WAYWARD STAMP on it...You aren't the first to say that here and you won't be the last...Though I can't quote it exactly I love what Pep once said about the "don't judge me" crowd..."Don't Judge Me" is like a flashing neon sign alerting others of BAD BEHAVIOR...which should be judged...No one ever says, "I take excellent care of my children, don't judge me!"..."I eat healthy foods all the time, don't judge me!"..."I get a physical ever year, don't judge me!"..."I give money to charity, don't judge me!"... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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im gone. it just sounds like a lot of bitter divorcees here. I am sorry or you, but I cannot change your pasts or mine. I am however going to change my future so that I never have to be anywhere near this sort of forum again.
Good bye ....  cruel world
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You cant move forward without fixing yourself and part of that is admitting past mistakes, quit justifying them and work on yourself so you dont make those mistakes again.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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how can you help who you fall in love with, thats ludicrous bingo, you should not allow someone other than your spouse to meet your needs, that is how you help who you fall in love with. If you and your wife had done the same things you and your OW did, you would have fallen in love with your wife. But you didn't. By your own admission, you traveled and completely neglected your marriage, making romance impossible. Even so, falling in love with someone outside of marriage is no excuse to destroy your marriage and the lives of your children. Seeking happiness is no excuse to wreck the lives of others. Is that what you want to teach your kids? What if it makes them "happy" to use heroin or give blow jobs to boys on the bus? Your example teaches kids that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." See what a dangerous example you set for kids? This is why it is somewhat ridiculous for you to complain about your wife's ONS. If it is ok to do what makes you "happy" then why is it wrong for her to do this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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im gone. it just sounds like a lot of bitter divorcees here. I am sorry or you, but I cannot change your pasts or mine. I am however going to change my future so that I never have to be anywhere near this sort of forum again.
Good bye .... cruel world Is nobody going to tell this poor man that Pep's icon is a queen (wearing a crown) having an "it's not fair! They're all so mean to me!" moment? It's a drama queen, bingo!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I have just read your entire thread and am a little speechless. How is all of this helpful to your current M? People who will not admit past sins are doomed to repeat them. Your "It all turned out OK in the end" mentality is rather undermined by your current wife's adultery. You may not have had sex but you did have a safety ney, an exit strategy, someone loving waiting in the wings, an excuse to not honor the vows you made to your first wife.
That may now all be water under the bridge but the truth remains that if your current WW would cheat with you, she wiil cheat on you. That has been proven whatever justifications she has used (and you have allowed her to use)for her adultery.
Now, you can knock the chip off of your shoulder and begin again in this M aided by the excellent and free, I might add, advice that you have gotten here during your pages of denials and justifications or you can get mad, take your ball and go home. Your choice.
These very good people have taken there time and resources born out of intense pain to post to you to help you through a situation that we have all walked through with varying degrees of success. You will not find anywhere the experience that you find here to help you to fix what is wrong in your M and yourself. Again, Bingo, the choice remains yours.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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ok, ok. I did do wrong. I understand what you are all saying. I didn't see it that way, nor did my current wife but maybe that is why I have been such an a$$ and she got too tired of it. We are past that stage now, looked doom in the face and decided to make the whole thing work the right way. That's why I am here.
We adore one another and when I made my vows to her, i meant them absolutely. We just did our wedding in front of our children as she too wanted to do this thing for life.
The way we got together in the first place was wrong we have survived for 9 years and in that time she was wayward for a few minutes. We know why and how we got to that point and it was entirely down to my neglect of her and I admit whole heartedly that it was lessons not learned from a previous failed marriage.
I did try hard the first time, I am at peace with that. I am imperfect and am at peace with that .
Let's to get past this, imagine that I am one of the 3%.
What next ?
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READ THE MB CONCEPTS 
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will do.
Thanks and goodbye
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im gone. it just sounds like a lot of bitter divorcees here. I am sorry or you, but I cannot change your pasts or mine. I am however going to change my future so that I never have to be anywhere near this sort of forum again.
Good bye  No offense taken, bingo, but if you read these threads thoroughly you'll be astonished at how many of us are in recovered Ms after going through horrific As. Do we need to be on here, talking to strangers about their angst? Hell, no! Geez, I've got kids getting up who are going to want their breakfast and I'm blowing off baking the biscuits so I can respond to you! (I'm not gonna be happy if I get flour wedged into the keys of my laptop.) We are survivors of the terrible crime of an A - either our own or one inflicted upon us by our spouse. We are driven to do everything we can to help others who are trying to survive because we know what they are going through. This forum is a little different than others you might find. We don't just sympathize with fellow victims. There are tools here! We can tell you how we did it. We can tell YOU how to do it! It won't affect my existence one iota if you recover or if your M goes down in flames, so why would I bother with you? Your outcome does not personally affect any of us on here. That should flag you that we are trying to HELP. If you don't want one-on-one posting with us, I hope you'll continue to lurk and read these threads.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Let's to get past this, imagine that I am one of the 3%.
What next ? Well, imagine you're one of the 3% who succeeding in breaking up a marriage as one person tried to do mine. You come here for help with this marriage that broke up mine. What next?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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... cruel world !
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Hold it a second...
Your wife "cheated" on you a year ago...but you just got married 9 months ago. She didn't even commit adultery. You weren't even an affairage yet.
Let it go. She was an unmarried woman at the time free to date and have sex with whomever she chose. A free agent if you will. I can understand you being somewhat upset about the competition but it all worked out in the end....she CHOSE to MARRY YOU.
Yeah...Fantasy Affairage wins out again. You two were MEANT for each other.
Can you say a ssoulmates?
Mr W
Last edited by MrWondering; 01/08/10 10:43 AM. Reason: It's chose, not choose
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Hold it a second...
Your wife "cheated" on you a year ago...but you just got married 9 months ago. She didn't even commit adultery. You weren't even an affairage yet.
Let it go. She was an unmarried woman at the time free to date and have sex with whomever she choose. A free agent if you will. I can understand you being somewhat upset about the competition but it all worked out in the end....she CHOOSE to MARRY YOU.
Yeah...Fantasy Affairage wins out again. You two weren't MEANT for each other.
Can you say a ssoulmates?
Mr W 
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Eck...Why did we all even bother.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Hold it a second...
Your wife "cheated" on you a year ago...but you just got married 9 months ago. She didn't even commit adultery. You weren't even an affairage yet.
Let it go. She was an unmarried woman at the time free to date and have sex with whomever she chose. A free agent if you will. I can understand you being somewhat upset about the competition but it all worked out in the end....she CHOSE to MARRY YOU.
Yeah...Fantasy Affairage wins out again. You two were MEANT for each other.
Can you say a ssoulmates?
Mr W I think he was M for nine YEARS, unless I misread.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Hold it a second...
Your wife "cheated" on you a year ago...but you just got married 9 months ago. She didn't even commit adultery. You weren't even an affairage yet.
Let it go. She was an unmarried woman at the time free to date and have sex with whomever she chose. A free agent if you will. I can understand you being somewhat upset about the competition but it all worked out in the end....she CHOSE to MARRY YOU.
Yeah...Fantasy Affairage wins out again. You two were MEANT for each other.
Can you say a ssoulmates?
Mr W 
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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So sad. God lead him to the right place at the right time and he still may manage to blow it.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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