Hi

I'm very new here. I and my husband are having problems at the moment. And I don't know where to start.
I think it started when he went for holidays with his friend in phuket last year. Before that we were having some small fights already but gladly we managed to resolve it whenever we have fights and arguments. I know I somehow hurt my husband at somepoint. He told me that, one thing he didn't like is when we had fights and I don't say anything. I usually shut up and don't say anything and cry and usually wait for 24 hrs before I can start to talk. But whenever we have situations like this, we ended up ok and we forgive each other and sometimes he realized that it's his fault and we tried to promise that it will never happen again. I usually don't delve on the past although sometimes it's a hurtful experience. I tried to forget it and move on. I didn't know that my husband are carrying all of these until we had a big fight after his holidays.
Late October last year, most every week we were arguing some petty things and then it will lead to big fights. He became impatient with me and I became very sensitive in every thing. He told me that I don't have tolerance with him. The cause of our fights includes for example, if I asked something and if I don't understand it, he will suddenly shout and sounded aggresive. Most of my reaction was is to cry and don't talk to him anymore and felt sad. This was usually the case. Until I piled up all those things and I felt that my husband doesn't care for me anymore. Even our sex life was also affected. He's not most of the time in the mood and always tell me that it has nothing to do with me, his reason was always that his tired and he needs more sleep. So I tried to understand and accepted it even if its sometimes difficult for me.
With this re-occuring small fights that lead to big fights and even sometimes hurting each other's feelings, I didn't know that my husband is keeping all these and sharing these to his friend, which I also consider like a brother and one of my favorite friend for him.
I realized later that he always go out with this friend and eat in one of the fancy restaurants. But I never complained because for me it's also important that he can meet his friend once in awhile. We are actually open to this situations, like going out with our friends alone. And it was really never a problem for me before.
And if I go out, I also have to see if we have enough budget for the month, since my earnings is not that high compared to my husband. Actually he's paying most of the expenses we have and what I earned is usually a back-up in case of emergency. We also talked about our financial status and since he's doing our payments, he told me once in awhile if we still have budget or not. But most of the time, I always heard from him like this: "We have to save because we don't have much money left in the account and we still have to pay for our tax this year". That's why whenever we go out, I usually don't want to spent much even though if I like something for myself or if I like to eat to this restaurant because I know what's the status of our finances, based on what my husband told me.
Now the worst part last year was this, he usually said that we have to save because we still have to pay for our tax and I have to help him. Of course I was ready to help him because that's what we've agreed. But during the course of the month of October, we saw some cheap flights and I told him maybe we could go for a short weekend holiday. He also said that would be nice but we don't have budget in the moment. We can do that next time, as soon as we can pay our taxes this year. I said its ok, it's not really a problem. One day he went out with his friend for dinner. The following day he told me what they had for dinner and he shared me their stories and then at the end, he told me his friend told him that he would like to invite him if he'll win from stocks for holidays. When I heard that I didn't have a doubt and I was happy for him when I heard, that his friend will pay for his holidays. I even jokingly asked him what if his friend will win, he said no, because his friend was only joking and he think he can't do that because he don't have any holidays left. I even teased him that he can go. But we didn't talk about it anymore. I even said that his friend is very cool because he will invite him for holidays. But later we were out one night, he asked me again, if it's ok for me if he'll go for a week in phuket. I happily said yes. And he even asked me three times, and I said yes, I also told him that if he can get a free holiday he has to grab the opportunity because its not always. I saw how happy he was and I was also happy for him. Maybe it was also my fault because I said yes without thinking that he also needs some pocket money with him. But I was thinking since it's in asia its not that expensive compared to the continent where I'm living now. So I really didn't ask because I was so excited for him.
When he told me that time we were out for a drink, and I went to the bathroom. When I went back I saw him texting and I asked casually who's that. That time I felt something strange his actions was quite weird but I didn't mind. He then kept his mobile phone and told me that was his friend, he told me that he already informed his friend that I said yes that he can go. I was surprised because usually when he wants to talk or send sms to his friend we're usually together. Or maybe he would even sometimes suggests like :"Ok I'll text my friend now etc..." But that time, if I can remember he looks like he's hiding something. And even don't want to show me what he told his friend. But I didn't mind that time because I thought it was just nothing. I wanted to ask but for me it wasn't really a big deal.
The following day his friend wrote him an email telling him that he will only pay for 200$. And the rests are taking care of by his friend. I was still joking that time, that I'll call his friend and tell him what about me?;-) But it was all a joke and my husband knew that as well. His friend actually called that time and I even teased them that I also want to go, but his friend explained to me that they are going there because they're going to attend a sailing race of their friend. And it's only for all guys. And then I said no it's ok that was just a joke. Of course you can enjoy the sailing race there. Lately I told my husband that even he'll contribute 200$, I think it's not enough and I think he also have to pay sometime for his friend or even invite his friend sometime while they're there. And then he told me that he'll actually pay 400$ because they were not able to get the cheapest offer. Then I start to wonder, 200$ actually is still ok, 400$ is already quite expensive, because at the end I was thinking he also need some pocket money and I asked him how much would be his pocket money he said he might bring 1000$ for him if in case. I was more surprised because he told me that we don't have money anymore and one of my course he asked me if I could pay for it because he doesn't have enough money for our next expenses, which I didn't question. But then he told me that he will spent 1000$ on his holidays. I felt sad about it, I didn't react because I said it's ok. And then I asked him maybe I should also go to Paris and he was so annoyed and angry and even said in a shouting voice, "What! Paris that's very expensive". All I was expecting was: that he could also maybe happy for me, then he started to mention about our finances again that we're kind of tight at the moment. I felt so sad because I see that it was not fair. We fight about it. And I even told him that I thought we don't have money anymore, but now why he's spending 1000$ and I know if he comes back from holidays he will ask me to transfer money on his account because what he has is not enough. He explained his side, he told me that of course he also need to eat there and pay if they go out or do some shopping. He even asked me back angrily what will he do then, should I let him starved during his holidays? which I think not the point there. Because in the first place he kept on saying that we are tight and now he has still savings on his own. But later we tried to resolve it and I tried to understand again and accept that it's ok. So far it was ok, but of course we were hurt at the same time, because we threw words back and forth. And later he told me that he understand what's my point and even blamed me that I should have said no in the first place. So that was the start of our hurt feelings. I went to Paris 3 days only. And at first we agreed if I go to Paris we have to leave on the same day. But I was able to find a cheap flight week ahead of his flight by using my miles. I asked him if its ok for him that I'll go a week before. He was not actually happy about that. But I tried to explain that its cheaper and if I leave on the same date he leaves we will pay double. We had quite a discussion again but at the end he agreed. I didn't know that after that trip he'll use those action as an attack on me.

I went back after 3 days and we had a good times together again. For almost 3 weeks of planning their holidays they didn't mention where they're going. I was thinking that they're going to Bangkok only. But 3 days before they left, we were looking in the map some countries and then he ended up pointing their destination. He said that they're going to phuket. I told him I thought they're going to Bangkok, and even told him that Phuket is a place for girls who work in a bar. We had discussion again. Because it looks like that I was the last person to know where they're going. We fought again because I told him that this place is not really a good place to go. Because I've heard from a friend, who went there with her bf, she told me even they're already walking hand in hand most of the girls are trying to grab her boyfriend away from her. And it annoyed her and she said that she'll never come back to that place again. We fought again just because of this and he told me that what I did going to Paris was kind of childish, because he see it like this, if he goes, then I should also go. And even going a week before his departure he found it weird. I didn't know why....I thought everything was already ok. But we tried to resolve it again and I tried to be patient with how he treated me. And even tried not to start any topic for discussion before he left because I don't want that we'll have bad feelings when he's away.

They left and the first 2 days were so far so good. Although I felt something was not right. He sometimes texted me that he can't read my MMS even I didn't send one. And if he sent sms and if I replied it will take him quite late to reply back although we just sent sms. But I didn't mind because I was thinking that they were always out or maybe he's relaxing so I didn't bother. And lately I realized that they always went back to their hotel between 4-5am. And then he told me that they went out for dinner and then after that they went for bar hopping and drinking until 5am. Although I wasn't really happy of him going back to their hotel 5am in the morning I didn't complain and I just let it be. Because I don't want to ruin his holidays. But we had misunderstanding again because he accused me that I didn't send him any reply from his sms. That time he just sent me an angry sms telling me, that he don't know why I was angry or what but he will not also send me sms until I show interest to his sms. I was surprised about that, because in the first place I replied to his sms and I even got a delivery report that it was delivered. When I read his sms that night, I didn't reply instead I called him and told him that I sent him reply. He said that he didn't get any. He didn't even apologized for that and even told me that I shouldn't make any drama out of it. We almost fight over the phone that night. But we managed not too because I don't want to ruin his holidays but I could feel that there was already tension going on. Two days after we had misunderstanding again just because of sms. I told him that I got his advent gift for me and said thank you. He even replied to it. Since he was 6 hrs ahead of me, and it was again 4am on his side, before he went to bed, he told me what they did and asked me again if I opened his gift already?...I was kind of annoyed because it seems that he wasn't really reading my sms very well. I called him again and told him that I sent him that information already & he said that he didn't get it. I was surprised again because he actually reply to that earlier. And then he kind of shouted me over the phone telling me that I shouldn't make any drama out of it, just because he forgot what I wrote. We fought a little and at the end I said it's ok, and I cried over the phone. That was like the trigger of all.

The night before they left to the airport, he sent me sms, that they're not going to sleep anymore, instead they're going to stay in the bar until 6am for their bus directly to the airport. I was again surprised about it because usually when we travel together he's the one who always on the first line to mention, that we need to have a good sleep for the next day flight. This little things he did differently makes me wonder why he's instantly acting like that. When he texted me that time I also told him that I was also out having a drink in the bar. And I went home quite late already. They were surprised because until they board I was still replying to his text which means I was still awake until 3am.

I picked them up at the airport the following day and even prepared a welcome note for them, bought apples, water and chocolates to welcome them when they arrived. When they arrived, I gave them the welcome note, water and the chocolates I didn't even hear that they say thank you. His friend commented on the chocolates and he said "that must be an expensive chocolate". And I made a joke, yes that's right, it wasn't my money and I laughed. I didn't know that this joke is offending on their culture. His friend was kind of annoyed on me. How will I know if I offended them, they didn't tell me that it was a bad joke. They simply kept quiet and started to think some bad things towards me at the back of their mind. In my culture, it's just normal and others would laugh about it as well. So we rode in the train and they start to ask me why I went home so late so I told them where did I go and the drinks I ordered. They were so surprised when I told them that I had long iced tea and strawberry daiquiri. His friend commented I should have gone to bed already and I even joke at him "yes father". I didn't know that he was so angry about it until we had fight again with my husband and my husband told me this. The worst thing was when I went to the bathroom and I heard them talking about me when I was almost back to my place and they were talking that I was so weird and I mentioned that I was out and he said that they heard me that I said that I wasn't out. I was confused....because I can't really remember that I said that but they're trying to insist that I said that. I even apologize for the misunderstanding and to make things clear I said, I was out that night. And he even questioned me why I had 2 drinks. Because even himself couldn't sustain that. I was so confused because even I apologized for the misunderstanding, he still wants to believe what he heard which was not true. It seems they want to imply that I was lying when I was telling the story.

Not only that when we arrived home, I asked him what did they do last night and where did they go, he told me that they went to a bar and they drank and they played jackpot. He even shared to me that he paid a drink for a bar girl because he felt pity to her because she was sitting there beside him the whole night. And his friend also had also a girl who entertained him. When I looked at it, why he should do that to me? I mean although nothing happens, because he assured me that there was no sex involve aside from paying a bar girls drink, for him it was normal and he then told me why I don't trust him? Because it was only like that, and he told me why should I react as if he brought the bar girl at the hotel and had sex but it wasn't... I was so sad about it and I didn't know what to do. I cried and he was so angry at me...I don't know if I just over reacting.

Now that was not it, a common friend asked me why I allowed it that he'll go to that place without me. I said that was ok, but it will never happy again. He was there when I said that and he was not happy about it. Last week we had discussion again, and I asked him it seems he changed and why he was not talking to me. After that, he admitted that he has something to say. He said he was not happy when I said that I will not allow it anymore that he'll go on holidays again. Because 2 weeks prior our discussion he said that they're planning again to go back on all guys holidays next year and he will be the organizer. And I told him I'll not welcome the idea again that we go on holidays separately. And he was so angry and then reacted that his interests and well-being comes only on the second place. And that makes him sad as well. I told him that he lied to me in the first place because when they were there they didn't even see a single sailing race of their friend. Instead they were out all night drinking in a bar. I'm not happy and he's not happy as well.

another problem i have now is that, he's listening more to what his friend told him rather than me and he always share all the discussions we have to his friend instead of telling it to me and resolving it...

Now I don't know what to do...Am I over reacting? Please help me.... I really need advice badly :-(

Thanks for the help...

ps. we're actually thinking of seeing a counsellor, not sure if it can really help.

It doesn't sound like you have a really terrible marriage. It sounds more like you two don't communicate very well. If you do go to counseling, look for someone who simply teaches you how to talk to each other without getting hurt feelings, and who teaches you how to find solutions you are BOTH happy with. It sounds like you are both protecting yourselves, instead of each other.

If you read the material here, you'll see that you can eliminate Love Busters (things you do that upset your husband) and you can meet his Emotional Needs (what makes him happy, such as a clean house, or showing him admiration), and that MAY be all you need to restore the marriage.

You can also see if you can make a phone counseling session with the people who run this website, but it's about $200 for one hour. They are VERY effective, though.

Ask him to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire, and then focus on not LBing him for a couple of months. See what happens.

Independent Behavior is listed as one of the love busters on the love buster questionnaire. Sounds like there's some of that going on, perhaps from both of you.

Also sounds as though your husband is getting some of his emotional needs met through his friend, to the point that they are actually talking down about you. That would disturb me if I were you. I am not sure your husband's friend is a 'friend of the marriage.' Both of you have a responsiblity to choose your friends carefully and protect the marriage from people who work against it. How you convey that to your husband is another issue...

I would also read about POJA and spending more quality time together.

Thanks for your reply & for the insights.
I'm just confused about this Love Buster things, maybe i didnt mention that I & my husband are not of the same culture. He's from europe &im from asia. I understand that if you're living in a foreign land, usually you have to adjust with their culture, the environment & the people around you. The first time i arrive here, i had a culture shock because it was completely different from where i came from. But i didnt take it a hindrance of staying here with my husband. Even if it was so hard for me to understand i accepted the fact & that im living in a different culture now & different environment. I had many bad experiences with the people around but i tried not to take it personally although its quite upsetting sometimes. I learned their language very hard even if it was difficult for me but i told myself thats the only way i can integrate with the society but sometimes even if i can speak with them i can sometimes feel the different treatment. These feelings I shared to my husband but sometimes he dont understand it. He could not sometimes listen instead he tried to give me advices which i think i dont need & sometimes he would tell me that i have to be like that or like this. Which is sometimes i dont expect. A friend of ours commented that, it seems my husband are trying to change my culture into theirs which is not really good. And everytime i shared my feelings he became impatient. For 1 1/2 years I tried to understand it & lately I realized that I always have to give in & understand the situation. And if i start to share something he'll judge it right away. And it offended me a lot because why cant he seems to underdstand my feelings & my point of views?
In your response you mentioned that here there are lists of how to eliminate LB. I understand it I made my husband sad by not allowing him to go on vacation with his friend next year. Does that mean i'll just let it be, that my husband will flirt with bar girls & drink with them & even pays for their drink?
Maybe there are some married wives here would appreciate their opinions & ideas... Will you be happy about it?

The only girls he should be buying drinks for at a bar are his wife, his sister, and his mother. The rest of the human race is, imho, off limits. From what I'm reading, it sounds like your H lives as a single man, while you live as a married person. That is simply not sustainable, and I do think it would be wise to bring in a third party counselor.

It is okay for you to enforce your boundaries (like "I will not remain married to a man who flirts with girls at bars").

Thanks for feeling my situation. The last time we had discussion about this paying a drink of a bar girl is: he told me thati didnt trust him he said that nothing happens which means there wasno sex involve he just felt pity to the bar girl coz she was sitting beside him for the whole night. Is that ok? H

Just some comments:

If you don't already have children, I would not consider it at this point in your marriage. I realize you didn't mention it, but if you don't already have that to worry about, I suggest you hold off until your marriage situation is on better footing.

My immediate thoughts in that regard are:

1) Your husband seems immature and rigid in his thinking and quite possibly isn't prepared for such changes or responsiblity.

2) His rigidity in terms of trying to get you to change to his culture and not allowing you to maintain your own culture in some form bothers me from a parenting standpoint. Parents from different ethnic/religious backgrounds should have the freedom to educate their children about each background. That's just my opinion, of course.

Besides these things, if your husband wants to live like a single man, it is good to know this now so that you can make decisions about your own future accordingly.

I am in total agreement with canwemakeit in regards to it not being proper or marriage-strengthening behavior for your husband to buy other women drinks. It's inappropriate and 'playing with fire' as they say in America.

One idea is to try to get him in a thoughtful moment and ask him how he would feel if he had to uproot himself and live in Asia, learn the language, merge into the culture, and be encouraged to deny his culture of origin? Remind him that your Asian features, Asian culture is quite likely part of what attracted him to you in the first place and is part of who you are.

The marriage building concepts were formulated by professional counselors who happen to also be American, but quite a few of the people who come here and benefit from the program don't live in the USA. So...I believe a lot of these concepts, if not all, can be implemented into your European/Asian marriage just as well, at least to some extent. At any rate, you are here seeking help and would benefit from reading all you can here. I would start by asking you first if you think there is any chance that your husband has cheated on you and if you think there is another female who is coming between you. If there is, our advice to you would be pointedly different. Any infidelity will need to be addressed first.

They talk a lot here about 'emotional affairs' or 'EAs'. In my understanding, these are relationships between your spouse and any other source, basically, that causes him to have needs fulfilled that should be filled by you. This could include a same-sex friend, an addiction, work, or even a hobby. If it's drawing him away from the marriage in an unhealthy way, it qualifies, as far as I'm concerned.

Dr. Harley talks about 'Undivided Attention' or 'UA' time. Ideally this amounts to about 15 hours a week for a healthy marriage. It should actually amount to more if a marriage is in trouble. It sounds like a lot of time to spend together, but it's something to think about. How much one-on-one time do you and your husband actually spend together doing enjoyable things where you aren't distracted by the television or other people? If his time with his friend is cutting into those 15+ hours with you that are required to keep the marriage strong, then it's a good way to determine if he's spending too much time with his friend...or doing other things he shouldn't be doing. It basically would indicate that you two need more alone time together (doing fun things) to stay connected emotionally.

thanks Soolee, when you said that I will not consider at this point in our marriage does that mean, about going to the counsellor? We don't have kids because we decided not to have.
I can't still confirm that my husband is trying to change my culture into his culture, that was the the comment of one of a friend. Because she noticed that my husband always make remarks about me not eating so much vegetables. And here in their place, most people are eating vegetables. He usually make fun of me when we are invited which was actually not a problem for me because I know him and it's only a joke. But the people around us, especially his family, were quite surprised with his reactions, like me not eating vegetables.

Like last time when I mentioned that how would he feel if somebody would pay for my drink, he said he would be happy and that would not be a problem for him. If somebody pays for my drink. Or I pay a drink of someone.
He also mentioned last time that his quite disappointed when he knew that I'll not let him go again to phuket next year for another week with his friends. By the way his friends are one is single and the other one is divorced. He told me that if I want to do anything for myself he would be happy to support me as long as I'll be happy. But I told him my side, it would have never been a problem if he didn't lie to me, telling us that we don't have budget anymore and that he needs the vacation alone badly. And plus the fact, that he paid a bar girl's drink. At the end he actually mentioned that he needed the vacation badly, and I was surprised about it because why he didn't tell me in the first place. Why he had to tell that they have to see a sailing race event of a friend which in the first didn't happen. His friend told me as well, that he was also surprised that it didn't happen. They didn't expect it as well. But for me it turned out that they lied....
Now my husband is telling me that his interests and well - being are not important... He also told me does that mean now that if one is married then he has to be jailed?...
I'm actually letting him do what he wants like going out with friends, etc...
And it was not really a problem for me, until this phuke holiday they had.

This makes me sad also because I can't understand why my husband can't understand my feelings :-( I don't know what to do?....
I have the feeling that if we go to a counsellor, it will just worsen the situation plus the fact that the counsellor is also a native, I'm not sure if the counsellor will also understand my side?.....

ps. last time i also heard that the friend of my husband suggested that he has to send me home, if we're having problems.:-( I thought he's a good friend but with the help he's giving me to my husband it's just worsening the situation.
I don't want to fight with him anymore, but it seems now that he don't want to talk....
Please help:-(

Will he agree to phone counseling with the Harleys?

Read the basic concepts here and see if your husband read them as well. Tell him phone consultations with someone on the Harley Team/Steve Harley are available (although they are a bit expensive). You would have to schedule an appointment.

I think what is happening here is that your husband doesn't understand that it takes work to make a marriage strong and that the marriage has to come first. It needs to be a priority in his life. His relationship with you should be his most important relationship.

It sounds to me as though this friend is not a supporter of your marriage, and that's a problem because it seems as though he has some influence over your husband.

Thanks again for your words. Im not sure if he'll agree to phone counselling here. His brother told us to go to a counsellor here & even gave us the contacts. We wanted to call since last year but it didnt happen because we were always busy. And also this year, he told me that he forgot to call last week. I was thinking that if we go to a counsellor, it only shows that we are incapable of solving our own problems & that makes me sad as well. My idea is either we will have to work our marriage work or not.
What's worst was when we told his mother that I was sad & upset knowing that my husband paid a bar girl's drink, his mother's reaction was ok. She told me that, it was only a drink & nothing happened. So i should not worry about it. because these bar girls are also human & its their way of living. Before we told his mother, my husband
told me that he'll not do it anymore if it upsets me & after hearing that from his mom, that it was ok I asked him if he still do it & he said yes. He'll still buy a bar's girl drink
when he'll go on holidays with his friends next year. And i was very sad because he
insisted that it's nothing bad doing it & its he told me that its nothing sexual. I was
surprised with his idea, because it only shows that he was not consistent of what he's
trying to say :-(

i have the feeling that my husband don't want to talk about it anymore & he's just angry
of me now that i will not be happy if he goes holidays with his friend again. Although
he's not showing it but i can feel that he's angry of my idea :-( What shall i do?shall i
just let him go?
Ps : where can i find the links of the basic here? Thanks for your help.









Ps his friend who told him some suggestions is his close friend. He was not a supporter of our marriage. I get to know him as well whenever we meet him. Before he's always nice to me & even gave attention when i tell a story or something. But since my husband shared our problems to him, his friends treatment towards me changed.

Do you do your own plumbing, and electrical, too? Counselors are counselors because they have years of professional training to see what your problems are and know how to fix them. If you had it in you to fix it, you would have done so by now.

Tatiana - In the end, you cannot control what your husband does. You can tell him how you feel. You can express that it concerns you and that what concerns you should concern him. You can expose him to the basic concepts:

Basic Concepts

And see how he feels about them, if he thinks he might be interested in learning more. Your best bet is probably a phone appointment with Steve Harley, but there is a lot of free information here, a lot of good resources to start the two of you on your way to understand each other better, at the very least.

So, I would read the basic concepts above, and then I would see how he feels about making an appointment. If he says 'no', you can ask him if he'd be interested in exchanging a questionnaire that you can print off of this site. It's called the love buster questionnaire, and there is a separate one for the wife and the husband. The idea is to help each of you identify how you're hurting the marriage so that you know what behaviors you need to stop.

Love Buster Questionnaires

If you can get rid of those behaviors, you can then move onto filling out and exchanging the emotional needs questionnaires, which are designed to help you each understand what would make the other person happier in the marriage.

Emotional Needs questionnaire

There are lots of other things here that could help you as well, but like I said...I think a phone consultation with Mr. Harley would be ideal.

If you can get a handle on the concepts and successfully work through the questionnaires and put them to good use, I would also recommend that you read about POJA "Policy of Joint Agreement" and see how your husband feels about implementing this in your marriage later on.

@catperson: sorry for the misunderstanding, i didn't mean to offend anyone here. You are right, counselors are professionals and I do respect their profession. I have read some informations over the internet that couples who go to a counselor during their marriage don't work out at the end. But of course, every situations are different.
I was riding the train last week and these things just came into my mind, feeling sad why we always fight for such small things and and now we're deciding to see a counselor. I just can't imagine that we as titled the most in-loved couple is now having some difficulties and problems. I know not all marriages are perfect, otherwise life would be boring. I sometimes can't comprehend why we are having these problems and now need a third party in our marriage.
Anyway, we talked last night about seeing a counselor again which was being recommended by his brother, I told him my concerns and if I don't feel like seeing the counselor, it would also be ok for him. But at the end we decided to call counselor this weekend. And if we are not satisfied we could try the phone counseling from Dr. Harley.

@Soolee: Thanks for the links. I know I could not control what my husband does, I just wish that he would also understand how I feel.
We also have another problem which makes me very uncomfortable in our relationship. It's about him masturbating. We had a discussion also about this before. Because in our 1 year of marriage I noticed that our sex life was not that active anymore. I noticed that he was always tired and I sometimes felt that he's not that turned on. One time (on our 1 year of marriage) I asked him, if he do it alone, and he told me yes. He was doing it in the office. I was so sad and hurt. My feeling was then, he's not satisfied with our sex life. But he told me it has nothing to do with me. It's just that sometimes if he's so stressed at the office he need to release and do it. And he also told me that, being him masturbating and making love with me has no connection with each other. That time, I cried and told him that I'm not comfortable about it. So he came up with an idea, if I don't like that, he will not do it anymore. I thought it was ok for him, but I had the feeling that he was not happy suggesting it to me that, he'll not do it.

When he arrived from his holidays, we were talking about our sex life, and I asked him if he does it while he was in thailand. He told me yes only once. I reacted only once, and he then re-stated it, no twice.
I didn't react anymore, because even we'll decide that he'll not do it, I'm sure that at some point he can't avoid not to do it. I'm quite sad. But he told me that it has nothing to do with me and it has no connection with our sex life.
Before our marriage, he's always on the mood to do it. But after awhile I always found myself initiating all the time and had been rejected many times as well for the reason that he's always tired and not in the mood. It was quite difficult for me, but I tried to understand. But sometimes I really have the feeling that, I just have to wait for him if he's horny and on the mood to do it, otherwise, I also neglect my feelings and just wait again if he's on the mood. I don't know what to do anymore. So during our discussions last year, I told him that if he really wanted to do that, it's ok as long as our sex life will not suffer. Even I don't like the idea, I agreed just to make him happy. He even told me that I can also play with myself. But I told him, I am not into the idea. It's like telling me you can find other men to satisfy you if you feel horny and if I'm not. I was kind of shock but he told me that most women here are doing that.
I told him that if we do it alone, I'm afraid that it will take away the intimacy between us. But he insisted that it has nothing to do with our sex life.

Last week, he told me that since I said ok he can do it, I should not think that he's doing it every day in the office because if I notice now that we are not making love most of the time. He just want to make sure that I should not think like that. Now I don't know what to say and what to think about it. I told him what will I do, if I'm on the mood and he's not?. He answered I can play with myself or he don't know either.

I don't understand. Please help me, is this normal in marriage that couples masturbate without the knowing of the other spouse?

Thanks again:-(

I hate to say whether masturbating is right or wrong. I think for men and women who want to abstain until marriage or to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, etc., I actually see nothing wrong with it. In a marriage, it gets a bit more complicated. I believe you are right that it takes away from the intimacy between the two people. Making love is one of the best ways we can express our feelings for each other, to strengthen the marriage. The question is, why would he want to masturbate if he has a real, live woman who is ready, willing, and able?

With modern technology and the ability for people to access the internet at any whim now, some men are becoming addicted to pornography on the internet and masturbating to it to the point that it does, indeed, interfere with their 'real' sex life with real women/wives. You could start by checking the history on his computer to see what websites he's been accessing. The history can easily be deleted anyway, but you can also install a keylogger on his computer at home to see what websites he is visiting. You can also check his cell phone records for repeated numbers you don't recognize. You should also know that people with addictions often find it difficult to work on their marriage properly. The addiction, itself, becomes more important.

My general impression so far is that your husband may not have been prepared or ready for the committment of marriage. He seems to be acting out with some independent behavior and has some traces of a wayward mindset. I could be wrong, and I hope I am. This is why I think it's important to inform yourself of any activity that may be sucking the life out of your marriage.

This doesn't mean a counselor won't be able to help you, but statistically I've heard that most traditional marriage counseling has a surprisingly low success rate. I would continue to talk to him about Marriage Builders and encourage you, if not both of you, to begin reading more on the website here.

Tatjana, here's an article that speaks to your questions
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html

@NewEveryDay: Thanks for the link. The advices of Dr. Harley are good. Thanks for sharing, are their any other letters regarding this subject?

@Soolee: My husband always keep on telling me that it has nothing to do with me, and I don't know what to say. Before we get married, and it was only my second visit to his place, I saw on his PC that he has a collection of porns. That time when he was browsing I asked him if he still needs that, we had a slight discussion about it, but maybe he didn't want to upset me, he deleted every thing. And after that I think he's feelings towards me also changed slightly. Maybe he resented it that I'm involving too much on his privacy. So now, he don't have any copies of it. His friend shared us some porn website and we visited that together. At first I was not comfortable to watch some scenes and I made some comment. But later on, I thought we could actually watch it together. We tried that one day to watch the site together and while watching we became both hrny, but during that time as I was watching I noticed that my husband don't want me to watch it. But I didn't say anything.
I hate to do this (checking his PC, cellphones and mails) because we had a history before. Before my I visited him, he had a dance partner who usually go to his place and they practice salsa. Actually he had 3 dance partners and of all those girls, even I haven't met them, I only feel strange on the other girl. Because when I was not yet here, they practiced until 6PM together and after that they watched movie and dinner together at his place. I thought it was just one time or two times, but it becamse constant and I feel something strange. He also shared to me that this girl likes him, but he only consider her as a friend. I asked him if something already happened to them and he admitted "yes". He told me that it was nothing it was just that they were both horny and that was it and that was only one time. I'm not sure if it was before we get to know each other or when we were together already in the relationship. He told me that he can't even remember. I cried and I didn't understand why. He explained to me that every time they have practice on a sunday afternoon it's only all about dance and nothing more. The girl has a boyfriend as well so I don't have nothing to worry about. I also don't want to stop him on his passion because dancing is his passion. But what I don't understand that time was, that after their practiced the girl would even stay until 12midnight because they still watched movie after dinner and he'll prepare for the girl. So we had discussions until I visited him on his place. He introduced me to the girl and my first impression was: I don't like her. We had so many fights before I went to see his place just because of this situation because he always told me that I have to trust him.
When I visited him, he also taught me some basic dance and I was eager to learn. But I was not that happy that time because he used to compare me to his dance partner but I still tried to learn it because I wanted to dance with him. Later we had some discussion because the girl was still calling him even she knows that I'm visiting my husband. Since I was only visiting for 4 weeks, so they were not able to practice every week that time. My husband sent her an sms, and I later found it out, I was so curious that I copied the sms because I couldn't understand their language that time. When i went home, we decided that I'll enroll to a course to learn their language. Luckily my teacher is a native and I asked his help to translate the message. He translated it and the message was something like this: "hello (name of the girl) we are quite doing fine but now we have quite a discussion.... i miss our dance practice every sunday..."... i can't remember the whole words but the last message which was like: I miss our dance practice every sunday made me sad because why he still invited me to his place and he still have other things in mind. I wanted to end our relationship that time because I don't want to live with a dishonest person. He called me that time and I cried, I told him about the sms and even forwarded it back to him. He was shocked how I got that sms. I told him it doesn't matter and he was quite angry at me because I invaded his privacy. We talked about it and he asked sorry about that. We were able to solve it at the end and we were back together again. On my second visit to him, that girl kept on calling him and I was so mad because it seems that the girl would still like to steal some of his time from me. We fought, because I know I couldn't imagine that we were still seeing a girl whom my husband had sex before and she'll even teach me some dance steps. He couldn't understand why i'm so sad and angry. The girl even suggested that she will bring her bf. Which made me more sad because in the first place I was keep on asking him, why she doesn't spent her sundays with her bf? And my husband explained to me that the bf doesn't like to dance and he has another interests. I was so mad when I heard that she'll bring her bf when I arrived here. We fought so hard and I don't know what happened but my husband told me later on, that he already spoke to that girl that they will break their communication because I was always sad and we always had discussions. Until now, they don't communicate anymore. But my husband later on admitted that and he was sorry and he understand my feelings.

This was our history. He always kept on telling me to trust him and every time I started to ask anything he always complained that I'm controlling him and I don't trust him. Which is also unfair on my part because I don't usually think of these things like doubting him, or controlling him. Now checking his things again like his Pc, email and phone, is quite a delicate thing to do because of our history.

I'm not sure too, if he's still browsing porn. Which I think he's not because we're sharing most of our files together although we have 2 separated computers. But what destructs me now is his secret communication with his friend whom he went for holidays together. I know they've been writing most of the time at work, because last time I was able to glance shortly at his office mail and I saw the name of his friend. I don't want that we will make the same mistake again. I know my husband doesn't have much friends except this one, and I'm afraid that I might also not like the idea of him always communicating to him mostly about what's happening to us. I don't want to tell him what to do and don't want to experience the same situation again.

Thanks for the links as well and the questionnaires. My question is, after we answer the questions what are the next steps?

Thanks again for all your kind words.

Tatjana...

I'm sitting here shaking my head because I can understand that you may be too close to the situation to see it objectively.

Wouldn't you want to know the truth? Isn't the truth better than living in denial? Don't let him know what you're doing for now. Keep quiet about it. Just because he says to trust him, doesn't mean you have to. He has to earn your trust, and if his history and recent independent behaviors are any indication, perhaps he doesn't deserve it. Now, that could be American thinking. Could be in your culture if a husband tells you to trust him, you should. I don't subscribe to that mindset at all. His history is important and can't be ignored. It's part of who he is and tells a lot about his values and his integrity.

Tatjana -

Any sort of hiding of information, what he's doing, etc. etc. is not a good indication. In a healthy marriage, spouses know all about each other, what they're doing, etc. There is no hiding because there is no need. Why would your husband want to keep parts of his life private from the one person he has committed his life to?